Sesame Street "Sing-Sings" A New Tune...

“Sesame Street” has introduced a new Muppet named Alex who has a parent in prison. 

- The announcement was brought to you by the letters   C-O-N-V-I-C & T. 

- Miss Piggy is already demanding conjugal visits with Kermit. 

- Bert and Ernie said they’re cool with it as long as they get to be cellmates. 

*****

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a claim by NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft that he stole Kraft’s 2005 Super Bowl ring. Putin says it was “a gift”. 

- Sounds to me like Vlad just likes “Putin on the Glitz”. 

- Hey, they’ve been stealing our military secrets for years…maybe Putin thought it was a secret-decoder ring. 

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly handed out a special present to guests at his own birthday party back in January…copies of Hitler’s infamous “Mein Kamph”.

- He’s also insists that everyone refer to his wife as Eva Braun Jong. 

- He got copies of Mein Kamph at the “Our-Tanks-Will-Soon-Cross-Over-Your-Borders” bookstore.  

****

Insiders say Un has also been doing things to try to “build his charisma” like “yelling really loudly at people and throwing things at them”.

- Sounds like somebody needs a prescription for Prozac!

- One guy said Un even threw a missile at him…but it turns out that’s the only way they can get one in the air. 

*****

CNN reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. 

- I’ve seen some dynamite cleavage in my day but c’mon!

- Why spend the money when they can just have the ladies take off their Spanx and blow away an entire city block? 

- Of course the doctors who perform the surgery will be immediately killed for looking at a naked woman. 

*****

A Delaware man has become well-known after he sued his doctor for a penis implant that gave him an 8 month erection.

- He would have sued sooner but he was too embarrassed to stand up in court. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#82) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

"And The Emmy Goes To..."

A Big Congratulations to my daughter JoAnne Purtan for winning the Television Emmy for “Best TV News Anchor” in Michigan! We’re so proud of you Jo!!!!!

*****

Hope you all had a great Father’s Day! And that includes Kanye “Garantuan Ego” West! His “Baby Mama” Kim Kardashian gave birth to a girl over the weekend! The baby was only 5lbs. and was delivered 5 weeks early. 

- 5 pounds? That means Kim only has to lose about 200 pounds  to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight! 

- Kanye taped the birth, but ticked Kim off when he insisted that “Beyonce had the greatest giving-birth video of all time!”

No word yet on what those two crazy kids will name their little girl, but they told family and friends it will “start with a K”. 

- My money is on “Ka-ching”!

*****

In an interview Chelsea Clinton said it’s time for a woman in the Oval Office. 

- Apparently she was too young to remember all the one’s her dad had there! 

*****

New England Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft said Russian President Vladimir Putin stole his 2005 Super Bowl ring.

- He didn’t even know it was missing until Edward Snowden leaked him the info.

***** 

A new Rasmussen poll found that 57% of Americans are afraid the government will use the massive data collected by the NSA to harrass government critics. 

- The other 43% were afraid to take part in the poll. 

*****

Columbian poet Raffel Medina Brochero is offering to sell his testicles for 20 grand to fund a European poetry-reading tour. 

- His wife will now refer to him as “The Old and Chain”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan has transferred from the Betty Ford Center

in Palms Springs to a Rehab center in Malibu.

- Apparently Betty Ford only offers Pepsi products, but the place

in Malibu has Coke!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #82: "It's Father's Day Weekend So I Guess This Is A Pop-cast"

Happy Father’s Day Weekend! Time to fire up the BBQ, enjoy the great weather, and prepare to open a boatload of socks and ties! (Just kidding…I hope!)

Today, I give you “the gift” of Podcast #82 which, along with Me and Jackie, features returning special guest and former “Tonight Show” monologue writer Tom Delisle. 

He tells a great story involving Johnny Carson, Richard Dawson, and…yes…Winston Churchill. 

And being Father’s Day Weekend, we talk about very “Manly Things” like the invasion of those white puffy cottonwood things that are flying through the air in record numbers. And speaking of invasions, I’ll tell you the little known and very interesting (I swear) story of the Battle of Tours, France from the 700’s. Beleive it or not, one guy was responsible for saving Christian Europe from the Muslim Army. (Although his legions of soldiers didn’t hurt either!) 

While we’re on the subject of history, Jackie reveals how her admiration for Eleanor Roosevelt almost got her kicked out of Junior High School. 

And what would Father’s Day Weekend be without some historical sports talk? To that end, Tom recounts what happened in Montreal back in 1955, when Maurice “The Rocket” Richard of the Canadians punched out a ref during the last regular season game against the Red Wings. He was suspended for the entire play-off season and let’s just the fans were none too happy, eh? 

And just for good measure, Tom will tell you about the time the great Ted Lindsay confronted me on the ice during a charity hockey game and I “verbally” punched him out!

So treat yourself to a pre-Father’s Day (or post-Mother’s Day for you ladies out there) “skate” through a ton of fun stuff in Podcast #82

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #82  (45:02)

"Smile! You're On Candid Flower Pot!!!"

The IRS has quietly cancelled a purchase order for spy equipment including cameras hidden inside clocks, flower pots and coffee trays. 

- A hidden camera in a flower pot? Who knew “Oopsy the Clown” worked for the IRS? 

- We know that “Bozo the Clown” works for the IRS…In fact there’s a lot of them.

*****

Two-thirds of Americans believe the government is eavesdropping on private phone calls. 

- The other third are Amish people who don’t have phones. 

*****

Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin has proclaimed that “Tang sucks.” 

- With the statements he’s made lately, it seems like Buzz is a couple of boosters short of a rocket. 

*****

A New York Observer poll found that Anthony Weiner might be doing so well in the NYC Mayoral race because he’s the only one of the many candidates that most voters even recognize. 

- Unfortunately it’s not his “face” they recognize. 

- If he loses, Weiner says he’ll do what most failed politicians do: Return to the “Privates” sector.

*****

New research finds that email can raise your stress levels. 

- Especially the ones that start “I don’t usually pass e-mail jokes along, but this one is hilarious!”

*****

Pope Francis reportedly acknowledged that there is a “gay lobby” inside the Vatican. 

- It’s similar to the “Straight Lobby” but with way better decorations.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an ALL NEW Podcast! (#82). 

-Dick

2013 Is The New 1984!!!

Sales of the classic George Orwell novel “1984” have skyrocketed 91% on Amazon.

- The only people not reading the book work for the government. They’re too busy reading your computer messages. 

*****

A San Francisco elementary school has started a toy gun buy-back program. 

- If they think I’m gonna trade in my Roy Rogers’ autographed Six-Shooter, they’ve got another thing coming! 

*****

Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, under fire for telling Congress in March that the NSA does not intentionally collect data on million of Americans, said he answered in the “least untruthful manner” possible. 

- He then announced that his wife is “sort of” pregnant.

*****

Scientists report there is a new species of ant that is attracted to and actually eats electronics. 

- They are particularly fond of Blackberry’s.  

*****

According to a new survey, one-third of dads who do online dating, lie on their profile about having kids. 

- So don’t expect your dad to show up with a hot blonde at your Father’s Day BBQ.

- You can’t blame NBA players because to be honest, they have no idea how many kids they have. 

*****

Iran says it has set up a space monitoring center. 

- Turns out it’s actually just an iPhone with lots of alien-looking pictures of Mahmood Ahmadinejad. 

*****

Cher will give her first live TV performance in 10 years on the June 18th epitsode of “The Voice”. 

- Insider’s say she’ll perform a special rendition of “Gypsies, Tramps & Plastic Surgeons”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

You're So Sex-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

A study found that sleep-deprived men are more likely to overestimate a woman’s interest in sex than a well-rested man. 

- Apparently Bill Clinton hasn’t slept since Nixon was in office.

- Aren’t women the one’s who always say they’re too tired? 

*****

The source of the NSA surveillance program leak- where the government has been listening in on and reading our phone calls and computer messages - 29-year-old NSA contract worker Edward Snowden, came forward and revealed himself. 

- Fortunately there were no photos of him revealing himself like there were with Anthony Weiner. 

- Apparently the NSA has been “surveiling” everyone but Edward Snowden. 

- You think they would have caught on when he kept wearing the “I Can’t Keep A Secret!” t-shirt to the office. 

*****

On Friday, staffers forgot to put President Obama’s remarks on the teleprompter before his speech in California.

- So instead, the President just told some really funny jokes about the IRS screwing people.

*****

Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife are getting a divorce. 

- She gets the kids and he gets to keep all the nuclear weapons. 

- She told him the old fashioned way…she sent him a “Dear Vlad” letter. 

- President Putin has already signed up for a dating wedsite: eCommunist.com

*****

At a taping of “Britain’s Got Talent”, a woman ran up on stage and threw eggs at Simon Cowell.

- Simon said the eggs were “rotten and a little pitchy”.

- The woman got the eggs from the ones Simon keeps next to him to throw at the contestants. 

*****

Justin Bieber has signed to go on a trip into space with Virgin Galactic.

- Admit it…your fingers are crossed that it’s a one-way trip!

- Isn’t Virgin Galactic the name of one of the Bond Girls?  

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out Podcast #81 - with special guest and former “Tonight Show” Comedy Writer Tom Delisle - up now on the homepage! See you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #81: "Every Tom, Dick, & Jackie's Got An Opinion!"

It’s June 7th…and I’m pleased to say that today we’re gonna hit a high of 81! No…not 81 degrees - but Podcast #81! (It won’t give you a tan, but hopefully you’ll find it amusing). Today Jackie and I welcome a very special and extremely interesting guest (his words) back to the table. Yes, Tom Delisle, a former Purtan’s Person and big-time Hollywood Comedy Writer back to Podcast Central (or as we call it on Thanksgiving - “the dining room table”) 

Join us as we lament the deaths of Jean “Edith Bunker” Stapleton and the great Harvey Korman. (NOTE: Jackie read a post on Facebook that Harvey had gone to that great “Carol Burnett Show In The Sky” and was pretty torn up - until we explained that while he HAD died…it was back in 2008). Ah…the Internet! 

We also reveal the AFI’s Writer’s Guild top picks for the 5 best written TV shows of all-time. Agree? Disagree? Discuss!

And prepare yourself for a bonafide Hollywood SHOCKER, as Tom shares some bombshell info about one of television’s now-deceased most iconic hosts. (Even Carnac couldn’t see this one comin’!)

Plus…we’ll weigh in on Michael Douglas’s new film about Liberace - “Behind the Candelabra” - and explain why we just couldn’t get “behind” the movie. 

So sit back, listen and who knows…maybe #81 will make your list of our Top 5 best Podcasts!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with our regular blog!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #81  (37:20)

The Beginning Of The End For Hitler...

69 years ago today, June 6, 1944 the greatest seaborne military invasion of all time began with the landing of US, British, and Canadian troops on the beaches of Normandy, France. “D-Day” as it’s known, marked the beginning of the end of World War II. With 600 US WWII vets dying everyday, the numbers of these brave men are dwindling. We’ll never forget them, nor the sacrifices they made during that bloody war. They have our eternal thanks and our promise to remember - and pass on to our children, grandchildren and beyond - how they literally “Saved The World” with their sacrifices.

God Bless Them and God Bless America. 

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick is out of jail having knee surgery. He asked to be allowed to recouperate at home claiming he “doesn’t feel safe” convalescing in prison. 

- I’m sure they’re are plenty of guys in the slammer who would love to give him a sponge bath. 

- Kwame allegedly hurt his knee while walking into court for his Federal Racketeering Trial and tripped over his own lies.

*****

The IRS said they can’t find receipts to account for spending $4 million on a conference in 2010. 

- Hey…why don’t you try this next year… and see how that works out for you! 

- You really can’t blame them for misplacing the receipts…I mean they were all pretty drunk at the time. 

*****

The winner of the record $590 million Powerball lottery was revealed to be 84-year-old Gloria MacKenzie of Zephyrhills, Florida. She says she only won the ticket because of a kind stranger who let her go ahead of them in line. 

- The “stranger” says this shows that “random acts of kindness” can positively effect the recipient’s life… and screw you over big time. 

*****

Taco Bell fired the employee who posted a video online that showed him licking a stack of taco shells. 

- If watching a guy lick taco shells doesn’t make you sick, just eating the regular food at Taco Bell will. 

*****

A thief broke into a car in Oregon and stole a trunk full of sex toys the owner was collecting for a bachelorette party. 

- He was picked out in a line-up not because of his face, but because he was the only guy vibrating. 

*****

Have a great day…and remember all those who made it possible for us to live in Freedom.

- Dick

Madonna's Ego AND Face Now Both Swollen!

Madonna was skewered on twitter for showing up at a charity event with her face swollen from plastic surgery.

- She did it on purpose to distract from the limp she was sporting from her hip-replacement surgery. 

*****

Tiger Woods kicked his girlfriend, Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn out of his house, thus ending their relationship.

- Apparently he’s learned it’s better to kick the woman out before she chases you out with a nine iron.  

*****

President Obama will appoint Susan Rice as his National Security Advisor this afternoon.

- Her first job is to go on five Sunday morning talk shows and explain that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a spontaneous reaction to an anti-sushi YouTube video. 

*****

A new study found that more than a third of US marriages now start online, and those that do, are slightly happier than couples who met offline. 

- Or as “offline” used to be known…actually going on a date.  

*****

The New York Office of Mental Health is selling a refrigerator from the Morgue, on eBay. 

- The morgue fridge is described as “previously enjoyed”. 

- It’s a great place to keep expired food until garbage day! 

*****

German doctors say a man spent 15 years with a pencil stuck in his head after a childhood accident.

- The man was so traumatized, he actually erased the event from his memory.

- This explains why everyone called him “Dixon Ticonderoga” even though his name was Bob.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Disney: "It's A Small Increase After All!"

Disneyland announced that it’s raising adult ticket prices to $92 a day, but insisted that it’s still a good value. 

- Finally! They’ll be able to buy Donald Duck some pants!

*****

A letter obtained by the Associated Press indicates that al Qaeda fired a terrrorist from it’s North African Branch. 

- On the bright side, he’s already been offered a job at the IRS. 

- So now he’s gonna have to get his 72 virgins the old-fashioned way…join a College Fraternity. 

*****

Starbucks is going to forbid smoking within 25 feet of it’s stores. 

- I suggest they tell they’re customers BEFORE serving them a Dark Roast Grande with six shots of espresso. 

*****

Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a new breakfast menu item: fried egg and bacon inside a split glazed donut “bun”. 

- If you order the combo, it comes with a small coffee and a portable defibrilator. 

- And for a buck more…you can get sausage sprinkles on your donut!

*****

The Vatican refuted Pope Francis’s suggestion that even Atheists can get into heaven. 

- The Pope then announced that people who work at the Vatican CAN’T get into heaven. 

- This takes “going over your bosses head” to a whole new level.

*****

Germany has officially dropped the longest word in the German language: Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgavenubertragungsgesetz. 

- It was actually Hitler’s pet name for Eva Braun… before he killed her.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"Pomp & Kazoo-n-stance"...

As we bid a fond farewell to the month of May, and (warmly!) welcome June - I thought it appropriate to take a moment to honor all of the students who have - or will be - Graduating this summer. Whether it’s from Pre-School or High School, Junior High or an Institution of Higher Learning, let’s take a moment to Congratulate all those who are flipping their tassels this year! 

In tribute to these fine students, I am posting a video I found on YouTube of one families rather memorable (and humorous!) musical salute to the graduate in their lives.

So kick back, grab your kazoo and play along as we salute THE CLASS OF 2013!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

Wednesday-Wings-Will-Win!!!!!

The Wings lost to the Blackhawks Monday night forcing a Game 7 in Chicago Wednesday night. A lot of mistakes (including some by the refs according to many angry fans) led to the Blackhawks getting and scoring on a penalty shot, giving them the fourth goal and a 4-3 victory. But as they say, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings. Here’s hoping Rosie O’Donnell is nowhere near the ice Wednesday night! GO WINGS!!!!!

*****

The Pope upset some religious traditionalists by saying that even atheists can get to Heaven, if they do good works on earth. 

- Of course the Atheists don’t believe him.  

***** 

Target now sells a line of wedding dresses. 

- Walmart is going even further by offering dresses for sale, and renting out their greeters for the “Something Old & Something Blue” parts. 

***** 

Last week Jodi Arias said if her life is spared, she’ll start a prison recycling program. 

- She may be a cold-blooded killer, but at least she cares about the planet! 

- Jodi went a step further saying that she would never dump any future boyfriends that she murders in our over-crowded landfills. 

***** 

Spain’s National Statistics Institute reports that the most common names in Spain are Maria and Jose. 

- No wonder so many guys are walking around Spain singing “I Just Met a Girl Named Maria”. 

***** 

Universal Studios is creating a “Simpsons” theme park in Orlando. 

- All the rollar coasters have a sign that reads “You must be as tall as Marge’s hair to ride this ride”. 

- They expect the most popular attraction to be “The Homer” where you get to sit on a couch drinking beer in your underwear. 

- Test-riders on “The Donut” were said to emerge with a glazed look in their eyes. 

***** 

A Buffalo Bills fan is getting attention for having a large tattoo of O.J. Simpson’s 1994 mug shot on his thigh. 

- If that won’t have women beating down his door I don’t know what will. 

- He’s also having a small tat of Kato Kaelin inked…on what he call his “guest kneecap”. 

*****

Have a great day!

-Dick 

You Pledged Your Life For Our Freedom...

This We Pledge To You:

We Will Never Forget. 

We Will Always Remember.

And We Are Eternally Grateful For The Sacrifices You Made And The Pain You Endured For All Of Us.

*****

Happy Memorial Day… And May God Bless All Who Have Worn - And Continue To Bravely Wear - Our Nation’s Uniform.

-Dick

Louis Armstong - “What A Wonderful World” - from the movie “Good Morning Vietnam”.

Unofficial Beginning of Summer Kicks Off With Fall-Like Weather...

Welcome to the unofficial beginning of Summer…Memorial Day Weekend! Although with the weather right now, it’s more like “Happy Halloween”. In today’s all new Podcast, my wife Gail, Jackie and I cover more topics than you can shake a stick at (Does anyone know what that actually means?) From Jodi Arias and her revolving views on the death penalty - at least when it comes to herself - to the monkey in Justin Bieber’s pants, Gail’s real-life run in with Mr. Wonderful (no, not Anthony Weiner, we’re talking the one-and-only Liberace, to a “sexy” portrait of a rather “non sexy” celeb (especially since she died) that broke records in the auction world.

Plus we’ll dish the latest on the big tree White House Scandals - including the story of the NFL player who Instagrammed a picture of himself, uh, relieving himself on the IRS Building sign. (Does that count as a “National Security Leak”???)

So enjoy the long weekend…grab a hot dog off the grill, and “relish” Podcast #80! 

- Dick 

Purtan Podcast #80

P.S. And don’t forget to check back Monday as we pay tribute to all the brave men and women who have served our country, so that we can continue to live in Freedom. God Bless America!

Wings Try To Make It "Blackhawks Down!"

The Red Wings will try to take a commanding lead against the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight. A win would put them on top 3 to 1 in the series and just one game away from moving on to Round 3 . GO WINGS!!!!!

***** 

By making a statement that she was innocent of all wrong-doing during her appearance before a Congressional Committee yesterday, IRS official Lois Lerner may have forfeited her right to “Take the Fifth”. She may be forced to return to Congress and testify. Experts say her attorney gave her bad advice. 

- Guess whose lawyer is about to get audited by the IRS? 

*****

The Philadelphia Eagles’ Evin Mathis Instagramed a picture of himself urinating on the IRS building sign. 

- Guess which Pro Football player is about to get audited by the IRS?

- Does this count as another “leak” in the Scandal? 

***** 

It’s official…disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner announced that he is running for the Mayor of New York City. 

- Unlike current Mayor Bloomberg, Weiner says he not only supports 32oz. sugary drinks, he encourages his followers to tweet pictures of themselves enjoying one. 

- Weiner’s campaign slogan will be: “Hot Dog! I’d Relish Being Mayor!”

***** 

NASA gave a company a grant to develp a 3D printer that can form layers of dehydrated ingredients into an edible substance that resembles a pizza. 

- This is news? Elementary schools have been serving this stuff in their cafeterias for years! 

- NASA noted that it will take longer to print out the deep dish version of the edible substance. 

***** 

A new poll says that people edit and Photoshop the vacation photos they post on Facebook so the vacation looks better than it actually was. 

- The first clue came when the Captain of that Italian Cruise Ship “Concordia” posted a photo of himself standing upright at the wheel of the ship. 

- So you may have to take your Aunt Helen with you to Cedar Point, but you can make her and the “Aunts Do It At Picnics” T-Shirt disappear!

***** 

Archie Comics’ only openly gay character Kevin Keller kisses his boyfriend in an upcoming issue. 

- To be honest, I think most men would way rather see Betty & Veronica making out. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an ALL NEW Podcast!

-Dick

NEWFLASH: Joe Biden Makes People Laugh...ON PURPOSE!

At a speech in Washington, DC last night, Veep Joe Biden said that the standing joke in the White House is that “Barack is learning to speak without a teleprompter; I’m learning to speak with one.” 

- Obama had no comment as his teleprompter was down. 

- Meanwhile White House Spokesman Jay Carney says the White House had no knowledge about the use of teleprompters until they read it in a newspaper article yesterday. 

***** 

Lois Lerner, the IRS official in the “non-profit group unit” who apologized for targeting conservative groups, plans to “Take the Fifth” and refuse to testify before a House Investigative Committee. 

- Nothing says “I didn’t do anything illegal” like taking the Fifth!  

***** 

Porn stars are complaining that the big banks are suddenly refusing to accept money that comes from the porn industry. 

- You don’t want to screw with porn stars! 

***** 

A new study finds that 10 percent of Facebook users aren’t human. 

- So a lot of your FB friends aren’t only fake…they’re aliens! 

***** 

O.J. Simpson says if he can get his armed robbery conviction overturned, he’s going to go on a nationwide tour to speak about the Nicole Brown murder case. 

- Right…like he know’s anything about THAT! 

- He’s already telling inmates he’s hired Kato Kaelin as his opening act. 

***** 

A British driver said it’s a miracle that George Michael walked away alive after he fell out of a car at 70mph on a freeway and she nearly ran over him. 

- Luckily, she wasn’t asleep at the wheel…which George usually is. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#79) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

Yet Another Tragedy...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to those whose lives were forever changed by the massive and deadly tornado that struck Moore, Oklahoma yesterday. And to all those who were hit, hurt and suffered so mush loss during the massive series of storms and deadly funnel clouds. 

This time it was Mother Nature who turned on us. But between the horror of Sandy Hook, The Boston Marathon Terrorist Massacre, and now this - It’s getting harder and harder for parents to assure their children that they’re safe. 

People are always saying “I wish things were simpler…I wish I could be a kid again.” 

Regretably, I don’t think today’s children are afforded the innocence that we took for granted. 

Prayers.

-Dick

Big Night For Taylor, Justin & His Monkey!

At last night’s 2013 Billboard Music Awards, the big winner with 8 trophies was Taylor Swift. But Justin Bieber won three awards, performed twice and was booed by the crowd one time. 

- Only once?

Justin was dressed in leather pants with a crotch that came halfway down his thighs.

- In prior days he had a babysitter for his pet monkey during performances. Apparently now he keeps his monkey in his pants. 

***** 

54-year-old Madonna accepted the “Best Touring Artist” Award, clad in fishnet thigh highs, black leather and chains. 

- Don’t you just love it when stars age gracefully? 

*****

In July, a bar in Brooklyn is hosting a “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” contest.  

- At last year’s contest John Wayne Bobitt and Anthony Weiner tied for first. 

*****

As OJ continues to fight for a new trial in his armed robbery and kidnapping case, a prison insider told the National Enquirer that “The Juice” is still a chick magnet. The unidentifed source said OJ receives thousands of dollars from women for him to spend in the prison commisary, and who will “wait for him” until he gets out. 

- Apparently these are young women who don’t know about that “other trial” he had back in the ‘90’s. 

- Why not hook him up with Jodi Arias? He’s looking for a girlfriend and she’s looking to die. 

*****

The toilet paper shortage in Venezuela continues. 

- It’s so bad, the government has made it illegal to eat at Taco Bell. 

- Why not just use Bounty Paper Towels? They’re the “Quicker-Picker-Upper” and you can “Select-a-Size”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#79) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #79: "That's Just How We Roll..."

Welcome to the weekend and a brand-spankin’ new Podcast! (#79). Having finally figured out how to get my microphone turned on, I sat down with my regular partner-in-podcasting daughter Jackie, and a very special returning guest, my wife Gail. 

The three of us weigh in on the hottest topics in the news from the Scandals rocking Washington…to a South American country that has literally run out of toilet paper. (I think they should ask Iran for help since they’re  always threatening to “wipe” other countries - especially this one - off the map). 

Plus we have the very latest on everybody’s favorite felons - Jodi Arias, O.J. Simpson and of course our very own Kwame Kilpatrick. Talk about “Trials & Tribulations”. 

From the IRS to the AP to an abundance of BS from OJ…it’s all here! 

So sit back, grab a roll of TP (just in case) and tune in to Podcast #79! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #79

Look Out! She's Back In Town...

After 37 months in the slammer at the so-called “Camp Cupcake”, former Detroit Congresswoman Monica Conyers is back on the streets and working full time at a collision shop here in Detroit. She says she’s very happy. 

- Her actual quote was, “I’m so #!@% *(%@ F—- happy to be out of that *%^# jail!”

- A collision shop is perfect for Monica! She’s really good at fixing things…like city contracts. 

*****

A noticeably heavier O.J. Simpson took the stand yesterday in an effort to get a new trial in his armed robbery and kidnapping conviction in 2008. 

- He denied gaining weight and is publishing a new book called “If I Ate It”. 

- Simpson looked so old, he’s now being referred to as “O.J. Mixed With Metamucil”. 

- With all of the scandals it Washington, O.J. actually came off as believeable. 

*****

A CPR machine brought a man who was clinically dead for 40 minutes back to life. 

- The machine will next be used to try to revive the Obama Administration. 

*****

Ohio University evolutionary researchers say they’ve identified the point at which monkey’s split from apes. 

- It was the day Davy Jones was hired as the Monkees’ lead singer. 

*****

A Florida chiropractor is accused of forcing his employees to engage in Scientology practices such as yelling at ashtrays. 

- The chiropractor was accusing the cigarette butts in the ashtray of being out of alignment…which could could turn out to be the smoking gun. 

- So now we know what Tom Cruise does when he’s not jumping up and down on couches. 

**** 

Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Apple turns 9-years-old this week. 

- She will now be known as “Apple 9.0”

*****

An obsessed fan was charged with trespassing after he allegedly swam to Taylor Swift’s beach house in Rhode Island. 

- Taylor has decided that instead of pressing charges, she’ll date him for a while, break-up with him and then write a hit song about it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an All New Podcast! 

-Dick