With the first Democrat Presidential Debate just two weeks away, 9 of the 23 candidates are showing 0% support in the polls.

- Turns out there not Socialists… they’re OPTOMISTS.

*****

The US Army announced that Brigadier General Laura Yeager will become the first woman to command an Infantry Division.

- The Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said it’s “High time” and the only downside is that it’ll take her twice as long to get to the battlefield because she’ll keep stopping to ask for directions.

*****

Felicity Huffman was all smiles as she watched her daughter Sophia graduate from High School - just weeks after pleading guilty to paying $15,000 to get her into college.

- This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Freshman 15”.

- Sophia was even the High School Valedictorian! At least that’s what it said on her college application.

*****

A video has gone viral of a cocker spaniel FAINTING after spotting a group of ducks.

- In a follow-up video a cat was seen spitting on another dog and calling it a wimp.

*****

Officials in North Carolina are warning residents about a “Zombie Snake” that is 4 feet long and plays dead to trick humans.

- He learned the trick after watching the dog.

*****

A man in Florida called the cops after his girlfriend squeezed his - um - “fellas” so hard that they bled.

- I’m beginning to think the people in Florida are nuts.

- It takes a lot of cajones to admit that kind of thing to the cops.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick