Octomom Nadya Suleman is so desparate for cash, she is reportedly planning to star in a porn movie.
- The cops better make sure her co-star wears a condom or she’ll end up with eight more kids!
On this day in 1921, West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax.
- So now you had to pay extra to get the license to marry your sister.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with a new Podcast (#41) on Friday!
-Dick
President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan on Tuesday.
- Even more suprised than the troops were the Afghan Hookers who made a killing off the Secret Service!
If you don’t want to know how it ends… don’t read any further! Yes… Newt Gingrich is finally dropping out of the Presidential race today.
- Newt’s goodbye is sort of like Cher’s Farewell Tour without the see-thru costumes.
- Mitt Romney was considering Newt as his choice for VEEP, but only so he and Calista Gingrich could share hairspray.
Ann Romeny, Mitt’s wife, said the press unfairly depicts her husband as stiff, but added “There is a wild and crazy man inside there.”
- So that explains where Steve Martin has been hanging out lately.
- As proof, she said he once drank an entire non-alcoholic beer and stayed up until 10pm watching a cable marathon of “Matlock”!
Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will issue their first IPO on May 18. They’re trying to raise $5 Billion which would raise the entire company’s worth to $100 Billion. He also announced that Facebook is now helping to find organ donors by letting people post their wish to donate on their profile page.
- NOTE: Do not accept a brain transplant from someone who spends most of their time playing “Farmville”.
- In a related story, there’s a new game on facebook that let’s you play Scrabble with the Kardashian sisters… it’s called “Words With Rear-Ends”.
Police in Newtown, PA, are searching for a man who allegedly exposed himself to a woman inside the Bucks County Association for the Blind.
- A police woman who did see “the evidence” said the case will most likely end up in Small Claims Court.
Jessica Simpson gave birth to a 9lb. 13oz. baby girl yesterday and named her Maxwell.
- The kid’s teenage years are going to be tough… I can just hear every body saying, “Let’s head over to Maxi’s Pad!”
On this day in 1536 Henry VIII accused his wife Anne Boleyn of adultery and incest.
- True or not, one thing we know for sure… she had a good head on her shoulders!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The White House is reporting that according to reliable sources, Osama bin Laden wated to change the name of Al Qaeda.
He’d apparently narrowed down the list to the following:
- “Al Qaedarashian”
- “America’s Next Top Turban”
- “Two-And-A-Half Jihadists”
- “Really, Really MAD Men”
- “DWTSB” (Dancing With The Suicide Bombers”)
- “Kanye East”
P.S. He was going to go with “Charlie Sheen” but even Osama wasn’t that crazy!
Mitt Romney said that contrary to President Obama’s campaign ad, he would have given the go-head to kill Osama.
- His attack plan would have been the same as Obamas, but Romney would have had a dog cage strapped to the roof of the Blackhawk helicopter.
A new report says that one third of all U.S. workers don’t get enough sleep.
- The Obama campaign seized on the news touting the high unemployment rate as “our plan to get more Americans the sleep they need.”
- The two-thirds who do get enough sleep were mostly pilots who have a few, and fall asleep in the cockpit. (That is, the ones who don’t run up and down the aisle yelling “We’re going to crash!”)
The 2nd most popular App on iTunes right now is called the Ugly Meter. Basically, it judges how ugly you are.
- Michael Moore downloaded the App and his cell phone exploded.
- Lucky for me they didn’t have that App when I was a pimply faced teenager!
A San Francisco man is suing BMW, claiming that the seat on his 1993 BMW motorcycle caused a medical condition that’s given him a 20-month erection that won’t go away.
- Needless to say, sales of the motorcycle are on the rise.
- His wife now calls him “The Ultimate Driving Machine”.
A survey in Great Britain found that about 3% of respondents are so addicted to texting, cell phones and the Internet that they often go up to 48 hours without speaking to anyone in person.
- The number was actually a lot higher, but people were too busy updating their facebook status to respond.
On this day in 1941, General Mills introduced Cheerios.
- Which really gave little boys something to shoot for.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
In the wake of the Colombian hooker scandal, the Secret Service has been issued a news set of conduct rules. Among them: They must have chaperones on some of their trips.
- The first person to volunteer? Bill Clinton.
- The Chaperones will still let the Secret Service agents have sex with prostitutes, but they’ll have an 11pm curfew.
A new book by CNN’s Peter Bergen claims that Osama bin Laden considered himself to be a ladies’ man, but he had to drink a homemade Viagra-like potion to keep his four wives interested.
- Now we finally know how SEAL TEAM 6 located his secret hideout… satellite photos spotted Osama and one of his wives sitting in bathtubs out in the yard.
- When he took the potion, his wives referred to him as “The Underwear Bomber”.
President Obama’s current TV advertising campaign is touting the fact that he had Osama bin Laden killed and states that Mitt Romney wouldn’t have issued the order to kill him.
- We’ve checked, and Romney admits he would have given a much harder punishment: He would have put Osama in a cage, strapped him to the roof of his car and gone on a road trip.
While Metro-Detroit’s own Circuit Court Judge Wade McCree has apologized for a serious error in judgement for sending a picture of his naked torso to a court employee, the woman who received the pic (an unidentified baliff) says she doesn’t consider it sexual harrassment and thought it was a joke. BTW… McCree specializes in “Sexual Misconduct” cases.
- It’s weird… in most pictures of Judges they’re at least wearing a robe!
- I just hope this doesn’t give Judge Joe Brown any ideas.