Public schools in Jackson, Mississippi, are no longer allowed to handcuff students to poles.
- They are still free however, to handcuff them to Germans and Australians.
- What’s next? No super-gluing kindergardeners to their chairs for coloring outside the lines?
NASA has asked other nations that launch moon explorations to stay away from the place where the first astronauts landed, to preserve the footprints in the dust that they left behind.
- The Rolling Stones have released a song about it called, “Hey… Hey… You… You… Get Offa My Moon!”
- Can the other astronauts help it if they want to land in a spot close to a nice golf course?
- Obviously those nations don’t realize the gravity of disturbing historical places.
On this day in 1990, “Seinfeld” debuted on NBC.
- The money he made from the show will allow Seinfeld to be the “Master of his Own Domain” for the rest of his life.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a very special Podcast about “The Motown Sound” and the people who made it!
-Dick
Federal Prosecutors may call as many as 500 witnesses to testify in their upcoming racketeering and corruption trial against Kwame Kilpatrick.
- His wife Carlita said, “Not a problem… the way I see it, we’re battin’ 500.”
- So if 500 people “RSVP’ed” yes… can you imagine how many said no???
Prosecutors say text messages will be key in the Kwame Kilpatrick case and are fairly easy to authenticate: They said his former dis-honor used signature lines like “COOL!” a lot. As for his friend Bobby Ferguson… his texts were filled with mispellings and improper grammer.
- So all they have to do is prove that Ferguson sent those texts as opposed to any teenager in the country.
- Sounds like Kwame may end up sending his texts from “THE COOLER!”
The NY Times has put out an article on President Obama’s “Hit List”. Those are the people he allegedly plans to take out with drone attacks.
- The White House insists everyone on the list is a threat to the country which explains why “Snooki” from Jersey Shore is right at the top.
- Up until now, a “Drone Attack” meant you were forced to sit and watch Congressional hearings on C-Span.
The judge in John Edwards’ trial lectured the jury after they deliberated for seven days and still couldn’t reach a verdict.
- They actually reached a verdict four days ago but are involved in a really great game of UNO in the jury room.
- Edwards is so nervous he ran his fingers through his hair… then immediately called in a stylist to fix it.
Justin Bieber allegedly assaulted a photographer who was standing in front of his car.
- In this case “assault” means Bieber gave him an “atomic wedgie” and a “nuclear noogie”.
- Witnesses said the photographer was very brave… for actually claiming that he needed medical attention because he got hurt by Justin Bieber.
On this day in 1821, the rubber fire hose was patented by James Boyd.
- And the very next day, for the very first time, someone said, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!”
Have a great day, I’ll see you back here Thursday, and don’t forget to check out Podcast #44 - with the inside scoop on Johnny Carson! It’s on the DickPurtan.com homepage!
-Dick
Chris Hayes of MSNBC is catching hell for saying on the air Saturday, during the Memorial Day Weekend, that he’s uncomforable calling every fallen US military member a “hero” because it’s “rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war.”
- Well now we know who went to college!!!
- Guess who didn’t take any ROTC classes?
- When he goes to Subway, he never orders a “hero” because that would be “rhetorically proximate to justifications for more sandwiches.”
The government is trying to raise airline prices by five dollars to help pay for TSA security in airports.
- They ask that you pay the $5 bucks in singles and slip them into the TSA agents waistband as they grope you.
- Five extra dollars… this means you’re going to have to skip that pack of gum you were planning on buying in the airport gift shop.
- The program has been dubbed “Grope-A-Dope”.
A new report finds that current memebers of the US Congress speak at a 10th grade level - down a full grade from 7 years ago.
- That explains why I heard a Congressman quote the “Gettysburg Address” as, “Um, like four or five score and like twenty-something years ago, our like, four fathers (yeah, like you can have four fathers!) laid down on top of this totally incontinent…”
- The study also found that most male Congressmen spend a lot of time doing the same thing as 10th grade boys… sitting around all day “Twittering” their thumbs.
A Toyko man who says he’s asexual and had his genitals surgically removed, cooked them and served them up to five diners for 100,000 yen.
- Hey… you can get five hot dogs - plus a bag of chips - at your local coney island for a lot less than that!
- If it’s true that “You are what you eat” then I know five guys in Tokyo who are now asexual men who’ve had their genitals removed.
On this day in 1987 Michael Jackson attempted to buy the remains of The Elephant Man.
- It was too expensive, so he bought the remains of the “Donkey Man” instead.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Over my last few years on the air approaching Memorial Day Weekend, I recited the following poem in honor and in memory of the brave men and women of the Military who have laid down their lives that we may live ours.
That poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to me by a listener, Paul Reside. Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned it around 1932. The poem was picked up and published in the the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”.
Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.
I hope you will share “The Inscription” with your family and friends. In these turbulent times, it is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.
Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written so long ago… that still resonate today.
“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones
I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!
-Dick
P.S. Here are two songs that I find appropriate to play today…
Today former “Purtan’s Person” Tom Delisle returns to the table, joining Jackie and me with a unique first-hand account of behind-the-scenes showbiz stories from the good old days. (You know… before “Jersey Shore” and “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”). We’re talking Johnny Carson here! Tom had an intimate relationship with “Family Feud” & “The Match Game” star Richard Dawson (no… not THAT kind of intimate relationship). Tom wrote monologues for Dawson, who regularly hosted “The Tonight Show” when Johnny took vacation. The encounters between the three of them are not only funny, but also offer fascinating insight into “the real Carson” - the man-behind-the-man who put us all to bed at night. And so, without further ado, “HERE’S……. THE PODCAST!”
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with some of my favorite patriotic music as we honor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.
-Dick
The Internet is buzzing about a new diet pill containing Gila Monster saliva that’s been shown to reduce food cravings.
- There’s also a pill that makes you look like a Gila Monster… it contains the saliva of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
- It tastes a lot better than the diet pill containing toe-nail clippings from Big Foot.
Queen Elizabeth’s old panties, which were left on a private plane when she visited Chile in 1968, were auctioned off for $18,000.
- You should have seen what they got for Prince Charles’ ear muffs!
- In a related story, a Secret Service agents underpant’s that were left in a hotel room in Colombia haven’t gotten a single bid on e-bay.
- A saddle left in a barn in Wales by Camilla hits the auction block this week.
A professor in Turkey claims the recent earthquake in his country has caused an increase in cats attempting suicide.
- Doctors describe them as “Cat-atonic”.
- He says the cats seem to prefer strangulation since they have all that yarn on hand.
A new poll found that Obama’s embrace of same-sex marriage made 25% of Floridians less likely to vote for him.
- I’m amazed. Judging by the blinkers on their cars, I think they’d go left no matter what.
- 75% said it doesn’t make a difference since they’ll probably have passed away by election day anyway.