Note: Coming tomorrow… Find out how you can win Dinner For Two and Tix To a Great Live Show! (It’s the first of many contests to come!)
At a campaign rally for Democrats in Chicago, former President Bill Clinton begged the crowd to just, “give us two more years”…
The same line Bill used on Hillary after she found out about Monica.
Don’t politicians usually beg for FOUR more years? I guess EVERYBODY’s downsizing.
Not Tonight Honey, My Head Is Wired Wrong
It’s possible that some women with low sex drives are physiologically different from women with healthy libidos. Wayne State University researchers did MRIs on women with low sex drives as they watched a TV that alternated between a blank screen, regular programs and erotic videos. Parts of the brain that light up when most women are aroused didn’t in women with low libidos. So it’s possible that for some women, a lack of interest in sex isn’t psychological; it’s that their brains are actually wired differently than other women’s.
Women’s brains lit up the brightest when they watched a video of a man vacuuming.
In a study of MEN, the only time their brains DIDN’T light up was when they were shown a clip of the women on “The View”.
Man, She’s Good Looking!
Police in Ohio say that 16-year-old Rufus Bowman thought he had an easy robbery victim when he lured a prostitute into an alley to conduct business, then pulled a gun. But the hooker fought back. Even after being hit in the arm, the “lady of the evening” grabbed the gun, grabbed him by the hair and, “beat the (BLEEP) out of him. Turns out Bowman’s hooker was transvestite prostitute Joshua Bumpus, who is 6-foot-1, 290 pounds and was wearing a pink halter top and pumps. Bowman has been sentenced to 3 years in the slammer.
I’d love to see who he picks as his date for the prison dance!
In his defense, Bowman said he’s a basketball fan… and that the hooker reminded him of Dennis Rodman.
You’re Twisting My Words!
The Collins English Dictionary has accepted a new set of words. They include “funemployment”; which means an enjoyable period of freedom while jobless…
— “funemployment” is quickly replaced by “recession-depression” when you realize you can’t afford your house payment.
“Intexticated” also made the list. It’s defined as “getting distracted while trying to text”.
— You know… silly distractions like driving seventy miles per hour down the freeway while you’re trying to send your girlfriend a message.
— In Detroit, we call it “Kwamefication”.
After reading the list, we came up with a new word of our own: “Crosstitute” – That’s the name for a transvestite hooker like the one that beat the crap out of the guy in the last story.
He’s Gonna Win Hands Down!
Conan O’Brian may be going to court to fight NBC over who owns the rights to his regular character, “The Masturbating Bear”.
— Rumor has it that Conan has hired attorney Gloria Allred to represent the bear.
— She plans on calling Pee Wee Herman as a character witness.
Today’s Almanac
On this day in 1885, British pottery maker Thomas Twyford built the first porcelain toilet for famous London plumber, Thomas Crapper.
— In those days people would say, “Excuse me, but I have to go to the Twyford.”
Have a great day and look for our first-ever contest announcement right here tomorrow!
- Dick