“Dishes Accomplished!”
Tuesday, former President George W. Bush promoted his memoir by appearing on “Oprah”. In addition to serious issues, Bush revealed that on his first day out of office, his wife Laura made him do the dishes. He said, “so, I’m lying on the couch and I say ‘free at last,’ and she says, ‘You’re free to do the dishes.’ So I say, ‘You’re talking to the former President, baby,’ and she said, ‘Consider (this) your new domestic policy agenda’”.
- World leaders immediately condemned him for “waterboarding” the dishes.
- His first foreign policy move was putting French’s mustard on his bologna sandwich.
- In honor of George W. Bush’s visit to the show, Oprah gave everyone in the audience a picture of Barrack Obama!
Buy Hooker Buy Crook?
The hooker who ended up locked in a hotel bathroom while Charlie Sheen trashed their room has decided she will press charges afterall. Capri Anderson has changed her tune and now claims that Sheen held her against her will and that she was in fear for her life. But some skeptics think she’s just looking for cash saying she could just have easily left the hotel room.
- So basically we’ve got a hooker looking for money from her client. Isn’t that why she’s called a hooker in the first place?
- It looks like once again Charlie’s gonna have to hire himself “Two and a Half Lawyers”.
At Least The Passengers Won’t Gain Weight On This Cruise!
4500 passengers and crew on the Carnival cruise ship Splendor were stranded off the coast of Mexico Monday after an engine fire shut off the power. They were adrift without a/c or hot water until tugboats arrived and they should make it to San Diego by tomorrow. As for food, U.S. Navy Helicopters dropped them 70,000 pounds of supplies including canned crab meat, Pop Tarts and Spam.
- What do you wear for formal night on a tugboat?
- Luckily someone found a spare generator so Kareoke Night went on as planned!
- The people who signed up for “late seating” dinner got screwed. By the time they ate, all the crab meat and Pop Tarts were gone.
- I would love to see all the waiters parading around the dining room on formal night with flaming trays of Spam!
- James Cameron has already secured the rights to make a movie about it called, “Spamtanic”.
Here’s Some More Spam For Your Computer…
Researchers at McGill University say they’ve discovered that just the sight of meat is enough to make men less aggressive. Psychologists expected that it would bring out ancient hunter bloodlust, but the opposite was true. Men who were shown meat calmed down – possibly because of a genetic disposition to associate it with comfort and gatherings of people who share your DNA.
- The only exception to the results were men on a Carnival Cruise Ship who became enraged after looking at Spam.
- So Maury Povich should give up on the whole “DNA Testing” thing! Just show ‘em a strip steak along with the infant in question, and if he stays calm… we’ll know the kid is his!
But What About Nancy and Sluggo?
20th Century fox has bought the movie rights to Bil Keane’s 50-year-old, single-panel comic strip, “Family Circus”. Despite countless jokes about its mind-numbing blandness, “Family Circus” is the most widely-syndicated comic strip in the world, and Fox plans to turn it into a series of movies.
- If I want to see a mind-numbingly bland movie, I’ll just order “The English Patient” from Netflix.
- To be honest, I never got the humor behind “Family Circus”. Now I’ll be able to not get it for two straight hours!
She Knows All About “Big Bangs”
Monday, scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva created the first mini-“Bing Bang” in the lab. It briefly created a record temperature a million times hotter than the center of the sun.
- When asked for a comment, Paris Hilton replied “That’s hot!”
Todays Almanac
On this day in 1886, the first dinner jacket was worn by its creator at a ball at the Tuxedo Park country Club in New York.
- Thank god the ball wasn’t held at a hamburger joint or today you’d hear people saying, “He looks so sharp in that Fuddrucker!”
And on this day in 1969, “Sesame Street” made it’s television debut.
- And just to tell you how times have changed… back then, they made Bert and Ernie sleep in separate beds!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!
- Dick