More Gore-y Details…
The massage therapist who claims Al Gore of assaulting her like a “crazed poodle” has gone public with an interview in the National Enquirer. Molly Hagerty claims she has DNA evidence on her pants, a witness and hotel surveillance cameras to back her up. Police in Portland Oregon have re-opened the case.
- This is one of the first cases ever of the masseuse claiming the client “rubbed her the wrong way”.
- Too bad Bill Clinton has allegedly cleaned up his act or he and Al could double date!
MEANWHILE…
The therapist says when she first mentioned it to her liberal friends about the incident, one told her, “keep quiet or we’ll all be destroyed by Global Warming.” She did keep quiet for a while, but now claims, “Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator”.
- This explains it! He invented the Internet so he could watch porn!
- And according to her, he’s got a Dimpled Chad! (And you thought we were going to say “Hanging Chad”!)
*****
Word on the street is that Tiger Woods wife Elin has agreed to a $750 million divorce settlement. As for custody – Elin gets the kids and Tiger would not be allowed to bring any single women near the children unless he was engaged to marry her.
- So she gets the kids, and he gets to keep his putter!
- $750 mil… Talk about your Double Bogie!
- Tiger just entered the “Sandtrap of Doom”.
*****
British Jeweler Christopher Michael Shellis has created a pair of women’s shoes that might even break Elin Woods’ budget… The “Eternal Diamond Stilettos” are made almost entirely of gold inlaid with 2,200 diamonds. The price tag? $155,000.
- They’re only available at DSW – Diamond Shoe Warehouse
- Elton John and Adam Lambert are worried sick that they’ll wear them to the same event!
*****
A woman from Seattle has won this year’s Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the worst opening line of a make-believe novel. Molly Ringle wrote, “For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss – a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.”
- Sounds like one of Kwame’s texts to Christine…
- Actor Richard Gere said he thought the line was great. Especially the part about the gerbil!
- That reminds me… I went for a boat ride last week and you’ll never believe it… “The sea was angry that day my friends.”
- The cover of the book features a bare-chested Fabio gazing longingly at a Habitrail-Home.
*****
Police in Chalmette, Louisiana, tracked down a man who was seen taking a duck from the pond in a local park. They found the man at home; the duck was in a bucket in his van. The man explained that he had planned to eat the duck – at which time he was arrested for theft and the duck was returned to the pond.
- His prison jumpsuit color is described as “Duck a la Orange”.
- The name of the arresting officer: Paul Blart: Mall-ard Cop.
In other Duck News…
Donald Norman Duck was arrested for a DUI in Ohio.
- But you’ve got to give him credit, unlike another Donald Duck, this Duck was wearing pants.
*****
After 60 years, Wonder Woman is getting a make-over. In order to make her less sexy they’ve dumped her skimpy Stars and Stripes outfit and put her in a dark jacket and black leggings.
- To make her less sexy, they could have kept the outfit and just re-drawn her face to look like Helen Thomas.
- They had to put her in leggings because at age 60, instead of Wonder Woman she’s more like “Vericose Vein Woman”.
- Big Al’s favorite was Betty Boop. But he kind of soured on her when he heard rumors that she’d had a Boop Job!
Welcome to July! See you tomorrow!
-Dick