Somebody’s in a Bad Mah-Mood!
Over the weekend, Iran fired up its first nuclear reactor, which it swears will be used only for peaceful purposes. Iran also unveiled its first unmanned drone-bombing plane, which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called the “ambassador of death”.
I thought Jack Kevorkian was the “ambassador of death”…
All he is saying… is “Give Peace a Chance” – and if you don’t, he’ll kill you.
Speaking of People Who Want World Peace…
America’s first Muslim Miss USA, Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih will attempt to win the “Miss Universe” title in tonight’s pageant. And she’s dedicated the barely-there costume she’ll wear to the President’s work “to bring peace to the world.” It’s a Victoria’s Secret Angel style version of an eagle with gold lame wings and not much else. Rima calls it a celebration of “life, liberty and all that is American”.
One look at her chest and they’re going to change the lyrics of “America the Beautiful” to “From C to shining C!”
When the Taliban heard about her costume, a bunch of them exploded… and they weren’t even wearing suicide vests.
UFOhhhhhh!
Yesterday was “Go Topless Day” – an event celebrating the anniversary of women getting the right to vote. Rallies were held around the country, promoted by the Raelian religious cult that believes humans were put on earth by UFO’s. They believe it would please the alien scientists who invented our bodies to see them sans clothing.
Thank God Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist and not a Raelian!
NOTE: A Raeliean spokeswoman says some men do come to gawk and take pictures, but “they get used to seeing women’s bodies and return to normal within an hour”.
It’s a good thing it doesn’t take four hours… then they’d have to go directly to the hospital!
I saw my first naked woman when I was 12 and I still haven’t returned to normal!
Big Al doesn’t believe any of the Raelian UFO nonsense, however he does believe the topless part.
Al also supports the Raelians by wearing a sports bra for his manboobs every day of the year.
A Human ATM
19-year-old Nicholas Ryan Harris was being booked into a Florida jail on charges of DUI and pot possession when the cops gave him a strip search. They were startled when dollar bills started falling out of his rear end. By the time they were done, a total of $45 dollars had dropped from his derriere.
What happened to the good old days when people hid money under their mattresses?
Gives a new meaning to the word “Assets”.
“I Can’t Come To The Phone Right Now… I’m Robbing a Bank”
Police in Eden, New York, are looking for a bank robber who was caught on video taking a cell phone call DURING THE ROBBERY! They suspect it was his getaway car driver, reminding him that he’d forgotten to put his mask on. It was still hanging around his neck.
The cell phone company’s slogan? “Reach out and Rob Someone”.
Great Scot!
Last week in Devon, England, Scottish bagpiper Bill Millin died at 88. He became famous in World War II when he came ashore on D-Day and stormed the beach at Normandy with no weapon other than his bagpipes, playing Scottish songs to inspire his fellow British troops. He was even portrayed in the movie “The Longest Day” – which gained him worldwide notoriety. Two German snipers interviewed after the battle were asked why they didn’t shoot Millin as he came ashore, and they said they assumed he was insane and wanted to die.
The real reason he wasn’t shot was that the German’s heard the bagpipes, started screaming and ran away.
He was responsible for capturing more German’s than Sgt. York.
“Bach to the Basics”
A Reader’s Digest survey of over 1500 people found that while 61 percent of people say they like some classical music, they have no idea who wrote it. Most people not only couldn’t tell Tchaikovsky from Vivaldi from Rossini, but four percent identified Bocconcini as a classical composer. It’s actually a type of cheeseball from Italy.
Reading further in the survey, I found out that Rossini wrote “The Barber of Seville”. I always thought Bugs Bunny wrote that… and that Beethoven was a St. Bernard.
And isn’t The Lone Ranger’s real name William Tell?
Have a great Monday! See you back here tomorrow!
- Dick