Surprise Stories of the Weekend…
Lindsay Lohan finally admits flunking drug test…
Paris Hilton agrees to plea deal …
And the Michigan State Spartans beat Notre Dame on that great overtime fake field goal. (Coach Mark Dantonio recovering nicely from mild heart attack suffered after the game).
All in all, a great weekend!!! (Except for the Lions but hey, we’re used to that!)
Will This Get Her Broomed From the Party?
Last Friday, Bill Maher released some decade-old cutting room floor video of Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell in an appearance on his show “Politically Incorrect”. There was a Wiccan on the panel, and O’Donnell, laughing, said she’d known kids in high school who believed in witchcraft. She also said she’d gone out on a date with one and later realized they had a picnic on his “satanic altar”. The Democrats are trying to gain political capital from this…
The Republicans immediately took down the pictures of Christine O’Donnell on her campaign posters and replaced them with a picture of Nancy Pelosi.
A lot of Republicans actually consider the set of Bill Maher’s show to be a satanic altar.
At this point, she better hope her opponent in the election in Harry Potter.
Your Stim-u-Less Money At Work!
The City Controller in Los Angeles audited two public works programs that received $111 million in federal stimulus money to create jobs. And it did! A whopping 55 of them. The original goal was 238 jobs, but auditors say red tape and poor oversight led to the problem. Bottom line: Each of the 55 jobs created cost taxpayers $2.2 million dollars.
And 55 people in California have hailed the program as a complete success!
Who knew it could take $2.2 million dollars to teach a person to say, “You want fries with that?”
Bonnie & The Clod
Last Thursday, a Wisconsin man entered a gas station convenience store around midnight and asked for change. When the clerk opened the register, the would-be robber leaped over the counter, grabbed all the cash he could and fled. Unfortunately for him, he was only able to grab a few coins. Police estimate his “take” as less than one dollar.
And they say crime doesn’t pay!
A witness overheard him demanding the dollar, “in unmarked nickels”.
“A Gator-that-Needed-Ade”
Maryellen Mara-Christian of Fitchburg, Mass went alligator hunting with her husband in South Carolina last week and got more than she bargained for. She hooked a gator that was 13-and-a-half feet long, weighed over a thousand pounds and looked like a dinosaur. It was so fat, her gun couldn’t kill it, so she severed its spinal cord with a knife. Animal rights activists are outraged, but she says she’s a proud hunter and plans on stuffing the gator.
When she heard about plans to stuff the gator, Paris Hilton went ballistic, screaming, “Do you know how many alligator handbags I could have had made out of that thing!”
Ironically, the woman was wearing a pair of Crocs at the time.
No If’s, And’s or BUTTS!
A prison inmate in Frackville, Pennsylvania is suing the three Kardashian sisters. He claims that because the prison TV was tuned to their reality show, “Keeping Up With the Kardasians,” he was forced to watch domestic abuse (Kim taking part in a boxing match), emotional abuse (Kourtney arguing with her boyfriend) and racism (Khloe referring to a baby doll as “the black baby”). He claims this caused him extreme emotional distress due to their outrageousness of actions. He is seeking $75,000 in damages.
Either that, or one of those Kim Kardashian blow up dolls. Of course if he gets the doll, he’s already agreed to give up his shiv so he doesn’t accidentally puncture her.
$75,000? Personally, I think he deserves double that.
Today’s Almanac
On this day in 1818 Patent Leather was manufactured for the first time…
And girls wearing skirts and patent leather shoes around boys have had to be careful ever since!
Have a great day and well see you back here tomorrow!
- Dick
P.S. DON’T FORGET BIG AL’S NETWORK TV DEBUT TOMORROW NIGHT (TUESDAY) IN “DETROIT 1-8-7”. 10pm on ABC - Channel 7! (Look for the chubby polka band leader!)