Nancy, John & A Bill
The 112th Congress convenes today, meaning Nancy Pelosi has to hand over her “Speaker of the House” gavel to Republican John Boehner.
- We’ll still have a bunch of boobs in Congress… but the leader’s won’t be nearly as big as we’re used to.
The new Republican House members plan to waste no time in setting a new “cost cutting” style and undoing as much of the last two years as possible. They’ve already written a bill to repeal the entire 2,500 page Obamacare bill. It’s just two pages long, including the title page.
- They were going to send it out on “Twitter” but they were over by three characters!
You Can Ask, You Can Tell, But You Can’t Make Videos!
Capt. Owen P. Honors has been fired as commander of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier for producing and appearing in raunchy, humorous videos to be played on shipboard TV. The Pentagon says crude sexual innuendo is not appropriate for today’s sailors.
- As opposed to every sailor since Christopher Columbus.
- I think they could have chosen a better word than “innuendo”!
- He’s already been offered a job as the navy guy in the Senior Touring Company of “The Village People”.
- I remember when Captain Boblo got into the same trouble and was transfered to a dingy in Lake St. Clair.
Can We At Least Put Our Tray Table In It’s Full and Upright Position?
Britain’s Civil Aviation Authority is refusing to renew the license of Mile High Flights, a charter service that takes couples in a specially equipped Cessna so they can join the Mile High Club. Officials say they’re not making moral judgements, they just believe sex in the sky might distract the pilots.
- Nonsense! The pilots are way too busy having sex with the flight attendants!
- Besides, the pilots are already distracted by the drinks they had in the airport bar before they took off.
- So now I guess frisky fliers will just have to settle for the full body scan and extreme pat down.
A Hairy-Tale Ending…
University of Pennsylvania researchers believe they’ve discovered the root cause of male pattern baldness. They say the stem cells that produce new hair are there, but are defective and produce hairs so small they’re invisible to the naked eye. They’re working on a cream to help grow larger hairs.
- In the meantime, they’ve introduced a new shampoo for folic-ley challenged men: “Gee Your Invisible Hair Smells Terrific!”
- So apparently, if you look at Big Al’s head through a microscope, you’d see he actually has more hair than Rod Blagojevich.
Taylor’s Been Swift-Boated?
Taylor Swift may be pretty, talented and successful but when she’s on the cover of magazines those issues don’t sell well. A media spokesperson said that Taylor doesn’t have the type of narrative people like to follow, like Kim Kardashian, and that, “the days of being a nice person and just looking pretty on a cover are behind us.”
- So this finally explains why the issue of “Glamour” with Monica Conyers on the cover didn’t sell well!
I Wanna Marry a Woman Just Like The One Who Turned Into Dear Old Dad!
Stick with me on this one… Czech TV reports that 15 years ago, Ilona Tomeckova left her husband and young son to move away and have a sex change operation. Once “Ilona” became “Dominik”, he fell in love with a woman named Andrea who used to be a male body-builder before having sexual reassignment surgery. When Dominik contacted his old husband, he was stunned to learn the the son he had given birth to when he was a woman, was having a sex change to become a girl.
- Friends and relatives say, “He has his fathers nose and his mothers…….!”
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!
- Dick