BULLETIN: NFL suspends Lions’ star defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for two games without pay for stomping incident during Thanksgiving Day game. It will cost him the tidy sum of $165,294 — the equivalent of 2/17th’s of his base salary. No anger management required. (Apparently NFL fearful that would make him mad!)
SEMI-BULLETIN: Ohio State hires Urban Meyer as new head football coach. He led the Florida Gators to two national championships! 
(Oooooooh… we’re scared!)