Well Saturday is the big night… Charlie Sheen will debut his live stage show right here in Detroit at the Fox. For people who thought seeing Charlie live on stage was the greatest moment in showbiz history — it just got even better. Officials have announced that another “winner” has been added to the list of guest performers: Snoopp Dogg! Talk about a dream ticket! While producers are keeping details of the show close to the vest, we have obtained an EXCLUSIVE copy of the show’s script. What follows are excerpts from what Charlie will be saying…
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ANNCR: Ladies and Gentlemen… You are among the elite few privileged enough to experience Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” Tour. Please turn your cell phones off and please welcome to the stage…. Charlie SHEEEEEEEEEEEEN!
CHARLIE ENTERS THE STAGE IN A GOLDEN HAMMOCK CARRIED BY SIX SCANTILY CLAD PROSTITUTES. “GONNA FLY NOW” – THE THEME FROM ROCKY - PLAYS AS HE STEPS TO THE MICROPHONE.
CHARLIE:
Welcome to the planet Sheen. I am a Warlock. I am the King. I am who you want to be, but unfortunately you never will be because there’s only one me. And I’m him. I’m it. I hit the freakin’ Super Powerball lottery of DNA. I’m Albert Einstein on steroids. Put Bill Gates, George Clooney, and the Dahli Lama in a blender… hit puree… pour over ice and treat yourself to a tall glass of Charlie.
I wasn’t really “conceived” I was sent here to this orb some people call “Earth” to show all you pathetic mortals what you could be if only you were me. But you’re not. You’re you. And that must suck!
I feel bad for you…. NOT. Feeling bad for you would imply that I cared about you and I don’t. I care about one thing and one thing ONLY: Charlie Sheen.
By the way… on the Planet Sheen, today is “Prostitute Appreciation Day”. So let’s all tip our hats and drop our pants in salute to the “working girls” who keep this country “up” and running.
I’m Forrest Hump. As I always say, “Life is like a box of hookers. You pay up front so you always know what you’re gonna get.”
Before we begin our “Parade of Porn Stars”… I’d like to read you an excerpt from one of my favorite books – “Goldie Locks and the Three Au Pairs”.
Ah… screw the excerpt! Let’s just say in my version Papa Bear’s bed is the one that’s Juuuuuust right!
Winning!
Well “losing” is the state of Michigan that just passed a law that strip clubs can no longer put pictures of “models” on their billboards. That’s like takin’ the “mmm, mmm good!” logo off the Campbell’s soup cans.
I’m like Visa. I’m everywhere you want to be. But you can’t get there can you? Because you’re not Charlie Sheen. I am.
Okay… I can see that you’ve got questions. Go ahead. Bring it. But I warn you that my answers will make your liver quiver and will turn your wisdom teeth into idiots. By the way, I caused the earthquake in Japan. Just a little payback for that crappy movie “Pearl Harbor”. Karma’s a bitch, man. And so are my three ex-wives.
Speaking of marriage… Dennis Rodman’s in town. They retired his #10 jersey at the Pistons game last night. He’s backstage right now putting on his wedding gown and will be out after my two “Goddesses” perform their rendition of that rock ‘n roll classic, “My Ding-A-Ling”…
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Okay. I know what you read above is just plain weird… but then again, so is Charlie! Besides, Happy April Fools Day!
-Dick
P.S. Unfortunately I can’t make the show… I’ve got tickets to see Lil Wayne at the Palace Saturday night! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday.