Unless the Repubs and Dems come to a last minute agreement, The Federal Government is set to shut down tonight at midnight. But experts say most Americans won't notice any difference.
- For example, they point out that Congress will continue to get nothing done.
- I'm going to stay up and watch Nancy Pelosi's Limo turn back into a pumpkin.
- Ryan Seacrest will host a big Countdown Party in Times Square. I guess no one told him the government has already dropped the ball.
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The Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives lost track of at least 420 million cigarettes.
- Apparently the only butts they're able to keep up with are the Kardasians'.
- To get them back they're offering a trade-in program: Turn in a pack of cigarettes and we'll give you a free gun.
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Hamilton College in New York is hosting a workshop on "The Big O" for woman.
- A lot of women were disappointed when they found out it was about Orgasms and not Oprah Winfrey.
- I think we just figured out who has those 420 million missing cigarettes.
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A man who cheated on his wife announced on Facebook that she'll taken him back if he gets 10.000 "Likes".
- So far the only "Likes" he's gotten are from Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen.
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The latest NSA leak from Edward Snowden is that the NSA uses secret data mining to track Americans' social networks to learn about their personal lives, who their friends are and where they've traveled.
- So in other words, the NSA is on Facebook.
- The biggest bombshell they've found so far is a woman from Idaho's recipe for Crock Pot Chicken & Dumplings.
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A guy who used to do Weather for the Wall Street Journal says he was so upset by a new study that reported humans we're 95% responsible for global warming, he started crying and tweeted that he's going to get a vasectomy to cut down his carbon footprint.
- Fellow forecasters predict a 50% change of him getting snipped this afternoon, and 0% chance of him having any baby showers.
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Despite rumors, O.J. Simpson denies that he stole any cookies from the Prison Cafeteria.
- O.J claims the cookies were planted in his pants by Mark Fuhrman.
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Have a great day and no matter what happens with the government...I'll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick