It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas! I had a few hours on my hand yesterday so I baked up some Gingerbread and made myself a little house……. NOT. Actually Jackie and her family made it and she says it only took about an hour and a half - complete with an Ice Cream Cone Tree, a Lollipop Lamppost, a Graham Cracker Walkway, a PopTart Wagon, a Candy Wreath, Gum Drop Bushes, a Frosting Front Door and Powdered Sugar Snow. (Doesn’t she know too much Sugar is bad for you?? I would have used Equal or Splenda!!!
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Kim Kardashian announced that she is “Gifting” 1000 of her fans $500 each to help with the Holidays.
- It IS the Most Wonderful Time of the Rear… uh, I mean YEAR.
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A German court has ordered a baker to stop using SAWDUST in his cookies - which he’s been using as an ingredient in his mail-order treats for more than 20 years.
- Well… Fiber IS supposed to be good for you.
- I can only guess what he uses in his Pecan Sand-ies.
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An L.A. County Sheriff's deputy allegedly did the “Horizontal Mambo” with an unidentified woman on the Universal Studios lot and accidentally broadcast the event over his Police Radio.
- He claims he was just following L.A.’s “Stop and Get Frisky” policy.
- The woman said it would have been more appropriate if it had happened at Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World After All”.
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Researchers from Ben-Gurion University in Israel say face masks are lowering the brain’s ability to properly recognize people’s faces.
- This is news?? Isn’t this why Bank Robbers have been wearing masks FOREVER??
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France closed its borders to arrivals from the U.K. to stem the spread of a new strain of the Coronavirus circulating in London.
- So if you want to go to France, you’ll have to fly to Berlin and march in like the Germans did.
- Look for the new rhyme… “You Can’t Leave London, To Visit France… Even to Buy Some Underpants!”
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After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants while Christmas shopping in a store in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
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Have a great day today and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… on Christmas Eve!
-Dick
Prez Trump signed an executive order Monday to ensure that federal buildings erected in the future will feature "Beautiful" architecture.
- Prez-Elect Biden responded saying during his administration, he’ll work hard for ALL BUILDINGS - “Both the Beautiful AND the Homely”.
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“Squad” member Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez filmed herself getting the COVID-19 vaccine and shared it with her 8.2 million Instagram followers.
- This was a big move for the former Bartender who is used to POURING SHOTS - not getting them.
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The US Military Academy at West Point is dealing with the fallout from a major cheating incident involving 72 Freshmen cadets and 1 Sophomore who allegedly cheated on an Online Calculus exam last May.
- Wow… I’m no mathematician… but that comes to 85 guys.
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Some Social Epidemiologists, believe society will make up for lost time as soon as the Pandemic is over - and turn to a “Woodstock” type lifestyle with drinking, dancing, and promiscuity.
- Speaking of Woodstock… This reminds me of the time my radio engineer, “Ankles” took a bus from Windsor to Woodstock back in 1969. He got off the bus, looked around and said, “Where is everybody??” WRONG WOODSTOCK. He was in Woodstock, Ontario not Woodstock, NY.
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A dozen drivers in Miami were arrested for blocking traffic by making Donuts in the center of an intersection.
- They got off though… Cuz the cops ate all the evidence.
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According to a survey from The Associated Press only 22% of Americans say they feel “very or extremely festive” this year, down from 49% one year ago.
- Let’s be honest… It’s not nearly as festive and heartwarming to sing “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays”… when “Home” is the only place you’re allowed to be.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Yesterday, Dr. Anthony Fauci said that after getting vaccinated “Santa Claus is good to go!”.
- But how’s Santa gonna land on my roof if Rudolph’s nose is covered by his mask??
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Tonight… December 21… Jupiter and Saturn will appear so closely aligned in our sky that they will look like a double planet dubbed “The Christmas Star” - an event that hasn’t happened since March 4, 1226.
- And if you want to see a “Super Moon”… just look at a pic of Kim Kardashian’s butt. They’re all over the place.
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Speaking of Outer Space… "Star Trek” actor George Takei is under fire for a tweet implying that he wanted Sen. Marco Rubio to have an allergic reaction to the vaccine.
- Wouldn’t you think a guy who was on Star Trek would want everyone to “Live Long and Prosper”??
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The Government of Panama announced that men and women will only be allowed to shop on separate days to stop the spread of the Virus.
- If only they had some way to keep people apart… like say a River… or maybe even a… Canal.
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A beloved 70-year-old Taco Bell Worker who has been working at the same Florida location for the last twenty-years was brought to tears when he was given a $6000 tip last week.
- Here’s another tip for him… DON’T EAT THE FOOD AT TACO BELL.
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On this day in 1620 the Pilgrims disembarked from the Mayflower and came ashore at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts.
- Wait… you mean they landed AFTER Thanksgiving??
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Santa Claus visited a nursing home in Belgium last week and now 75 residents and St. Nick himself have tested positive for COVID.
- You mean Santa Claus is REAL??? … And Christmas is only 11 days away… And he’s in QUARANTINE???
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The Cleveland “Indians” will reportedly change their name to something less “offensive”.
- Their NAME may be Offensive to some people… but their team record isn’t. Over the last five years, Cleveland Won 415 games… the Tigers Won 284. (I actually did the math on this).
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Amazon’s new health-tracking bracelet - the “Halo” - comes with a microphone and an app that tells you if you haven’t exercised enough - and if thinks you’re too fat, it shows you a 3-D rendering of your near-naked body.
- It’s kinda like like going through the X-Ray Screener Machine at the airport… only with this thing you can keep your shoes on.
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The “Halo” even listens to your voice and will tell you if your tone is “Overbearing” or if you sound “Irritated”.
- We had a similar device when I was growing up… We called it “Mom and Dad”.
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Time Magazine is facing criticism for naming Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as its “Person of the Year”
In a related story… Hunter Biden was chosen as “Person of the Year” by Better Beijing Homes & Gardens.
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Social Media went crazy over Time’s choice… saying the honor should have gone to America’s Health Care Workers instead.
- Well duh!!!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
TUESDAY IN PROGRESS…
Biden raised eyebrows when he coughed 4 times during his first Presidential speech to the Nation yesterday, but he said he just has a cold.
- Kamala said she was sorry he had a cold… but Insiders say she was really hoping for something worse.
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Google went down on Monday morning after a service interruption.
- For those of you over 50… it’s like someone Super-Gluing the pages of your Encyclopedia together.
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Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle have signed a multi-MILLION dollar deal with Spotify to produce and star in a series of Podcasts… starting with a Holiday Special called “The Nutcracker”.
- Harry will Narrate… and Meghan will play The Nutcracker.
- Meghan is like the new Kim Kardashian… but with less junk in her trunk.
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Speaking of the Ex-Royals… Meghan Markle honored COVID-19 workers during a surprise appearance on CNN’s Heroes Special.
- The real story here is that they call any TV appearance by Meghan Markle a “Surprise”.
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A study found that drinking Wine and eating Cheese will REDUCE Cognitive Decline in older adults.
- So now you can celebrate the Holidays and promote better heath at the same time by enjoying a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild with a delicious Velveeta Grilled Cheese Sandwich.
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In Utah, Rabbits are being plagued by a highly contagious virus that is not transmissible to humans.
- I wish I had more info for you… But Th… Th… Th… That’s All Folks!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick