Marsi Parker Darwin of Waterloo, Michigan is seeking Guinness World Records recognition for her pet chicken, Peanut, who is believed to be the oldest Chicken in the world at the age of 20. The paperwork has been submitted… but no word from Guinness yet.

- Amazingly enough, she’s had that Chicken around for 20 YEARS and she still has NO IDEA why it crosses the road.

*****

O.J. Simpson has once again insisted he did not father Kim Kardashian’s sister Khloe and called rumors he had an affair with her mother Kris Jenner “Nowhere close to being true”.

- Well he’s always seemed like a man of his word…

*****

Residents of San Bernardino County, California approved a ballot measure directing officials to look into the possibility of separating from California to establish a new state.

- They don’t actually mind being part of the “State of California”… it’s the "State of Insanity” they’re trying to get away from.

*****

A 30 year old woman broke into Robert DeNiro’s Manhattan home and attempted to steal the presents under his Christmas tree. DeNiro called Police who arrested the woman who they believe is a “Serial Burglar” who has been targeting homes in the neighborhood.

- She may have asked Santa for a Pony for Christmas… but DeNiro’s gonna make sure she just gets the Horse’s Head.

*****

Prison inmates in Spain have produced thousands of clay figurines of World Leaders and Celebs relieving themselves… with their pants down.

- Isn’t that the way it’s normally done?

- So the Rain in Spain Stays Mainly on the Plain… And thanks to these felons, You can see Putin’s Pee Pee Go Wee Wee while he makes his Commie Bladder Gladder!!

- NOTE: If you're interested in buying the Kim Kardashian figurine... it cost twice as much since they have to use so much Clay.

*****

James Cameron revealed he has documented a “scientific study” that proves TWO PEOPLE COULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED ON THE FLOATING DOOR AT THE END OF THE MOVIE “Titanic.” He says we’ll see the proof in a TV special in February and that “Will be the end of it”.

- Or maybe it will be just the tip of the iceberg…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick