Obama To Avoid Actual "State Of The Union"...

Tonight the Prez will deliver his 3rd State of the Union Address. With a new Gallup poll showing that since he took office the number of Americans who are satisfied with the economy has dropped from 36% to just 13%, he’s been advised by his former chief of staff Rahm Emanuel not to dwell on his first term, just refer to the problems he “inherited” and talk about “tomorrow”.  

- He’s going to refer to this as his “Starter-Term”.  

- Nancy Pelosi said, “I don’t care if he reads out of the phone book. I LOVE HIM!” 

- Barney Frank said, “I don’t care if he reads out the phone book. I LOVE HIM!” 

Keeping You In The Loop...

The Oscar nominations were announced live from La-La Land this morning.  Movies up for Best Picture are: “The Artist”, “The Descendants”, “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”, “The Help”, “Hugo” (which received ELEVEN Academy Awards nominations!), “Midnight in Paris”, “Moneyball”, “The Tree Of Life” and “War Horse”. 

State of Aretha's Union Not So Good...

Just weeks after announcing that she would wed her longtime friend, Aretha Franklin and William “Willie” Wilkerson have nixed the nuptuals. The couple released a statement saying that they hadn’t taken the time to really think things through and were “moving too fast”. 

- Aretha turns 70 in March.  If she “moves too fast” she’ll end up breaking a hip. 

- Damn! I was soooooo looking forward to seeing what hat she’d wear to the ceremony! 

- So basically, Aretha decided to to exit the “Freeway of Love” and head for a reststop.  

At A Loss For Words? Make One Up!

Last night the remaining Republicans candidates held their 18th debate. The only thing new to come out of it was the phrase “self-deportation”. Mitt Romney said he would not deport illegal aliens, but by enforcing tougher laws on employers the jobs for them would dry up and they would “self-deport” themselves home.  

- He immediately got an influx of cash donations from “Star Trek” fans across the country.  

- Now if we could only come up with a way to get criminals to “self-incarcerate” themselves! 

- Newt Gingrich immediately announced a plan to “self-elect” himself.  

He Was Quite "Fetching" Right Up Until He Died...

A toy poodle named “Uncle Chichi” was euthanized yesterday in New York after a long illness. He’s believed to have been the world’s oldest dog. There’s no official birth record for him, but he was thought to be 1 to 2 years old when his owners got him from a shelter 24 years ago.  In human terms, that would make him about 175. 

- But he didn’t look a day over 160! 

- His family said, “Uncle Chichi went peacefully. He just rolled over and went dead”.  

- Chichi’s eulogy will be deliverd by Clifford The Big Red Dog. 

- He will be buried in a hole he dug himself just hours before he passed away.  

Save The Date!

A month from today, February 24th, is the date for the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! In honor of this special anniversary, I’ll be back behind the microphone, only this time it will be broadcast from 6 in the morning ‘til 10 at night on 760 WJR.  I’ll be joining the WJR hosts throughout the day and evening to help raise funds for this vital program that feeds over 5000 people a day and shelters over 500 people a night. Stay tuned for details… and tune-in for the big broadcast! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I Visit Hospital... End Up With New Johnson!!!

This weekend my formidably sized family got even bigger as my daughter Julie (#6) and her husband Brad welcomed their new baby boy to the world! Weighing in at a respectable 7lbs. 5 oz. Brayden Alexander Johnson made his debut - via C-Section - at 1:56 Saturday afternoon! 10 fingers! 10 toes! And dozens of family members on hand for the big event.  Julie had planned to have a natural birth… but when push didn’t come to shove, the Doctors decided a C-Section was the safest way to go and less than an hour later - Gail and I were the proud grandparents of our 8th grandchild! So proud!!!!!So, after having 6 girls of our own and a total of zero boys, the tally of our kid’s kids now stands at 2 girls (Julia & Lauren) and 6 - Yes, 6 - boys! (Matthew, Preston, Charlie, Adam, Jack and Brayden).  

As they say, Mom and Baby are both doing great! As for my son-in-law and brand new-dad, Brad, he’s proud, happy and has that slightly dazed look about him I remember so well.  It’s the “Oh-My-God-That-Little-Person-Belongs- To-Me-And-My-Wife-And-Now-We’re-Responsible-For-It-And-I-Have-No-Idea-What-I’m-Doing-Can-We-Please-Stay-Here-In-The-Hospital-For-A-Couple-Days-Or-Better-Yet-Months-Or-Maybe-Just-Until-He-Goes-To-College-So-The-Nurses-Can-Help-Take-Care-Of-Him-Because-I-Have-To-Go-Back-To-Work-So-I-Can-Support-This-Little-Guy-For-The-Next-Eighteen-Years-Or-Maybe-More-What-If-He-Ends-Up-Living-In-My-Basement-Until-He’s-35?” look.  If you’ve ever been a father, I think you know the look. And if you’ve ever been a new Mom, I’m sure you’ve seen that face staring back at you.

Father & Son

From Left: Me, Baby Brayden, Gail, Jill, Jessica, JoAnne, then Jackie and proud new mom Julie!

It doesn’t get any better than this…

Someday, Brayden will be asking Matt and Julia - his two oldest cousins - to buy beer for him!

For now… he’s happy with Formula!

Grandma kisses #8!

Purtan Podcast #26: Star Gazing... Part II

Like you… I woke up to single digits this morning.  Which, ironically, is what Newt Gingrich was flashing his ex-wife after her interview last night claiming he wanted an “open marriage”! 

But more importantly… It’s Podcast Friday.  Today, we bring you Part II of our visit with Tom DeLisle - a longtime friend who worked on and wrote character bits (including “The Whoa Boys”) for my show back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.  He’s a fascinating guy who has always referred to himself as a “Bystander to the Stars”.  He spent many years in Hollywood (in fact he wrote 24 monologues for the “Tonight Show”). He “rubbed elbows” with many of the rich and famous - from movie stars to politicians to sports legends - and today shares some of his priceless stories with us! 

Stay warm… and enjoy!  

Purtan Podcast #26: Star Gazing… Part II  (35:20)

-Dick 

Thanks For The Memory...

This just in… Rick Perry has announced that he will drop out of the GOP race and endorse Newt Gingrich. 

- Wait… I didn’t know Rick was still running!

- As is his custom, Perry said he had three reasons for dropping out, but could only remember the first two. 

Former Mrs. Gingrich Set To "Newt-er" Ex-Husband...

Fasten your seatbelts… it’s going to be a bumpy night! This evening, ABC’s Nightline will air what they call a “bombshell” interview with one of Newt Gingrich’s bitter ex-wives, Marianne, who will reportedly say all kinds of nasty things about him. It was supposed to run Friday, but the network moved it up a day to give it some distance from the South Carolina Primary on Saturday. 

- Because nobody’s gonna remember if they see it TWO days before the vote! 

- Mitt Romney saw an advanced copy and said, “c’mon… even I don’t think he’s THAT bad!” 

- The interview is going to have more venom in it than an episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.  

- So Newt may not get his ex-wife’s vote… but he’s got Rick Perry’s support locked up! 

Rick Santorum Has More Hanging Chads Than Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney has been officially moved from the “win” to the “statistical tie” column in Iowa.  After weeks of recounting, it turns out that so-called second place finisher Rick Santorum actually received 34 MORE votes than Mitt - who we’d been told had won by eight votes. But officials now say that due to balloting errors across the state, we will never know who actually won. 

- They didn’t know about the 30-some votes for Santorum until they found an envelope full of ballots from the “Sweater Vest Society of Iowa”. 

NEWSFLASH: Mark Wahlberg An Official Idiot!

Tough-guy actor Mark Wahlberg apologized for offending the families of victims of the 9/11 attacks for an interview he’d given rececently.  In it, he said that if he’d been on Flight 92 - one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center - things would have gone differently.  He said, “there would have been a lot of blood in the first class cabin and I would have said, okay, we’re going to land this plane somewhere safely”.

- Somebody’s been watching a few too many of his own movies… 

More importantly, (at least to him), Wahlberg went on to say in the article that he’s no longer a big fan of masturbation. (TRUE!) 

- If saying you could have personally stopped one of the 9/11 attacks isn’t “giving yourself a hand” I don’t know what is.  

- Three words:  TMI.  

Dark-i-pedia...

Yesterday, Wikipedia and a number of other websites went black to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act. But Twitter users helped out Wikipedia junkies by tweeting random “facts”.  They included: “The Plate was invented by Plato” and that “‘Star Wars’ is based on the lesser-known Shakespearean work, ‘Thy Force Be Stronge’”.  By the way… the Piracy Act now appears dead in Congress. 

- And to think I thought “Star Wars” was based on the Bard’s gay themed play, “Romeo & Hans Solo”. 

Woman Tries To Improve Bottom Line By Putting Line On Bottom!

Tina Beznec of New Zealand is auctioning off her booty to the highest bidder. She already has a number of tattoos, so she’s decided to make extra cash by selling advertising space on her butt. Her online auction site has already gotten 177,000 hits and bids of nearly 8 grand (US). She says she’ll donate some proceeds to charity and says, “I’m trusting the winner will not do anything too stupid.” 

- Like say, sell advertising space on their butt.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1915, George Claude received a patent for the neon advertising sign.  

- The first sign read, “OPEN”. The flashing light caused irate neighbors to put up their own neon signs reading, “Closed!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with a special Podcast Friday! 

-Dick

A (Purtan) Family Affair!

Last Friday night, my wife Gail and I were honored by the Children’s Hospital of Michigan Foundation at a gala at the MGM Grand Hotel. The event took place after the Auto Show Black Tie Charity Preview. All six of our daughters were there, from left to right, Jessica, Jennifer, JoAnne, Myself, Gail, A Very Pregnant Julie!, Jill and Jackie! 

 

Romney: 37% In Polls... 15% In Taxes

Mitt Romney, under pressure to release his income tax records, said he’d probably to it in April, by which time he may already have the nomination. One hint why he might be reluctant: he’s a multi-millionaire, but says most of his money comes from low-tax-investment income. He admitted he pays about 15 percent.  

- Of course that’s if he files his taxes on his lunch hour.  If it’s at dinnertime, he always pays 20%. 

- No wonder he not invited to Warren Buffet’s “Millionaires Who Want To Pay More Than Our Fair Share” Spring Dance!

- Since Newt has criticized Mitt because he can “speak French”, Romney said he’ll release his tax info this “April, in Paris, With Chesnuts In Blossom… And Holiday Tables Under the Trees…”

Porn Industry Furious Over Government "Cover Up"!

In a big defeat for the porn industry, the L.A. City Council voted 9-1 last night to require porn actors shooting “films” in Los Angeles to wear condoms to prevent the spread of HIV. A health advocate called it “a great day for porn actors”, but producers say viewers don’t want to see porn stars wearing condoms, and said it was “government overreach” to regulate the sexual behavior of consenting adults.   

- Porn star Ron Jeremy said he was “deflated” when he heard the news, and by the way, so were the girls!  

- To show his support for the L.A. porn industry, Charlie Sheen is bringing back his “Violent TORPEDO of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option” Tour!

- Bill Clinton has vowed to take a “close look” at the situation.  

You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Hood... But You Can't Take The Hood Out Of The Boy!

E! News quotes a source close to Jay-Z as saying the poem published under his name in which the rapper vowed not to call women “bitches” anymore - after his wife Beyonce gave birth to a baby girl last week - was actually written by someone else.  They claim Jay-Z has no intention of swearing off the “B” word. 

- This new info restores my respect for rappers everywhere!  

- This explains the Birth Announcement I got in the mail from he and Beyonce reading, “It’s A Bitch!” 

- Let’s face it, a man can’t give up his entire musical career… He’s got a family to support! 

Mickey Mouse Politicians?

President Obama is going to Disney World tomorow to unveil a strategy for boosting the tourism industry, as part of his series of “We Can’t Wait” executive orders.  

- There’s a good chance he’ll run into Ron Paul… since his GOP opponents think he’s been living in “Disneyworld” for a long time. 

- Obama is set to deliver a brief statement on the economy in front of “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.