Show(er) Me The Money!!!

When the Occupy Wall Street protests began hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations flowed in, but after proving themselves to be messy and smelly, the influx of cash dwindled. The groups accountants now warn that given the limited amount of money on hand, the group will be broke in three weeks. 

- But they’re going with Harold Campings’ prediction that they’ve got enough money for four weeks. 

- So basically in three weeks, they’ll be in the bottom 1% of the 99%. 

- People stopped showering them with donations after they realized the protesters had no intention taking a shower. 

Men Keep Fingers Crossed That Women Won't Keep Legs Crossed!

The question of insurance coverage for contraception is getting crazier by the day. Now a feminist group called “Liberal Ladies Who Lunch” has launched a website, SexStrike.org, urging women to refuse to have sex for a week - from April 28 to May 5, until Congress and insurance companies agree to pay for their conconceptives. It declares that “until then, men will have to be content with their left hand.”

- That way they can still use their right hand to dial up the pharmacy and order a refill of their insurance-covered Viagra. 

- What do they expect all the right-handed guys to do? 

- A survey showed most men weren’t threatened by the move saying, “we’re holding our own”. 

You Know What They Say About Real Estate, It's "Penicillin! Penicillin! Penicillin!"

A 4,100 sq. ft. New York townhouse that was featured on early episodes of “Sex & The City” is up for sale for $9.65 million.

- With what went on there… they’d better fumigate the place before they put up the “For Sale” sign!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1951, Hank Ketcham’s comic strip “Dennis The Menace” debuted, making Dennis 61 years  old today.  

- He’s 61, no job, and lives with his parents… Yep, he’s a typical Babyboomer!

Congrats to MSU for winning the Big Ten Basketball Title, and to both M and MSU for getting to the NCAA Big Dance!

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #33: A Stroll (and Twist!) Down Musical Memory Lane That will Make A "Daydream Believer" Out Of You!

It’s the weekend and that means it’s time for a fresh, hot-off-the-presses Podcast! 

Today, Jackie and I are joined once again by my good friend and “semi-Hollywood-insider” Tom DeLisle for some riveting (?) behind-the-scenes showbiz stories.  This time we focus on the world of music and begin by answering the burning question we left you with last week! (No spoiler here… you’ll have to listen!)

Then we verbally dance from topic to topic including my days doing “record hops”, how Tom’s dreams of becoming a famous recording star were quashed by none other than Stevie Nicks, why one record producer told John Denver his music would never fly (oops… bad choice of words), and the true story of how “Daydream Believer” fell into the paws, uh, hands of “The Monkees”. So put on your dancin’ shoes and join us for a spin around the floor. 

Purtan Podcast #33  (40:22)

Have a great day… and a great weekend! 

-Dick 

The Most Confusing Day Of The Year For Chaz Bono...

It’s “International Women’s Day”…

- Or as Bill Clinton calls it, “Thursday”. 

Michigan Woman's Got A Lotto Nerve!

24-year-old Amanda Clayton of Lincoln Park here in Michigan is under fire after it was reported that she is still collecting $200 a month in food stamps despite having won $1 million in the state lottery. She says she thinks it’s okay to stay on the welfare rolls sinces she’s still unemployed. She said, “I mean, I have no income, and I have bills to pay. I have two houses… I’m still struggling.”

- So she’s part of the 1%, who believes she’s part of the 99% and is apparently 100% clueless. 

- With the price of gas… she says it costs her a fortune everytime she drives her Jag to her new condo up north! 

- She needs to hit the lottery! Oh wait… she already did that. 

- She issued her statement via her new advanced copy of her $500 Apple iPad 3. 

Sun Lashes Out At Mother Earth!

An intense Solar Flare near the center of the sun is threatening to send increased amounts of radiation directly at the earth and may actually disrupt GPS tracking devices and electrical service in the next several days. 

- Al Gore immediately called for an end to “Solar Warming”! 

- The only bright spot in this whole story is that the flare is a really bright spot.  

Hickenlooper Makes HickenGoofers...

Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper isn’t going to win any prizes for speech making. He recently introduced the Lt. Gov. to a group of elementary students as a “rising sex star.” Then, when he was introducing the mayor of Denver, whose wife is a professional singer, he said, “We read about how President Obama sings to Michelle in the shower. So you can just imagine what the mayor gives his wife in the shower. Uh, I mean what she gives him in the shower.” Hickenlooper’s wife said he means well, but “he’s a dork sometimes.” 

- He makes Joe Biden sound like William Shakespeare. 

- I believe what a man does with his Hickenlooper in the shower is his own business.  

Lindsay Lohan Ages 40+ Years Overnight!

Sunday morning outside the Mercer Hotel in New York, tabloid reporters swarmed around a blond woman in a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses because they thought she was 25-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Turns out it was actually Blondie singer Debbie Harry, who is 66. 

- How could they make such a mistake? Lindsay looks way older than 66! 

- So apprently 66 is the new 25.  Or is it the other way around? 

- Apparently they thought the Metamucil Debbie was stirring into her mimosa was cocaine. 

It's A (Really Big) Girl!

Jessica Simpson revealed that she’s having a baby girl and has cravings for anything full of sugar. She revealed a lot more by posing naked and heavily prenant on the cover of Elle magazine, a la Demi Moore. 

- No offense, but she’s starting to look more like Homer Simpson than Jessica Simpson.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled religious education in public schools to be unconstitutional. 

- That may have been the new rule, but it didn’t stop me from praying before every math test!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand-spankin’ new Podcast! 

-Dick

Super But Not Duper Tuesday For Mitt: Takes 6 Out Of Ten...

It wasn’t a completely Super Tuesday for Mitt Romney. Yesterday, he won six of the 10 states that held primaries or caucuses. Rick Santorum took 3 and Newt Gingrich won his home state of Georgia. 

- Newt says that puts him on the fast-track to the presidency… as long as Georgia secedes and forms it’s own country. 

- Couldn’t we save a whole lot of time and money by just have Mitt and Rick play a televised match of Rock-Paper-Scissors?

Would-Be Librarian's Rack Not On A Roll...

A 19-year-old Oxford University student and former model has come under fire for the campaign slogan she’s using in her bid to be elected “Oxford Union Librarian”. Madeline Grant’s banners read: “I don’t hack, I just have a great rack.” BTW… many readers of the British tabloids pointed out that she really doesn’t have much of a rack. 

- Three brothers who work at the library, Huey, Louie And Dewey Decimal, disagreed.  

- I think injecting humor into elections for Librarian are long overdue! 

- Opponents inside the library held a very quiet protest. 

Women Want It To Be A "Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!"

A Harvard Medical School study confirmed what some men have long suspected: women like their man to get upset. Test subjects were asked to watch a video of a recent conversation they’d had with their partners that had been upsetting. Turns out women were actually happier when their partners got upset or angry because they interpreted their man’s show of emotion as proof that he was strongly invested in the relationship. Men, however, were not happy to learn that they’re wives were angry. 

- They didn’t know they’re wives were angry because when they asked “What’s wrong?”, all the women said, “Nothing!” 

- So guys… if you want to make your wife happy - make her mad! 

Stealing Joints Sends Detroit Man To Joint...

Calvin Coolidge Wiggins who lives right here in Detroit was arrested for allegedly repeatedly entering a US Post Office sorting facility, claiming to be a postal inspector, and walking out with packages he believed contained marijuana.  Wiggins admitted that he used to sneak pot thru the mail himself, so he knew what to look for. 

- If convicted, he vows to take his case all the way “to the highest court in the land”.

- His lawyer says he plans on spending his time in prison “weeding” the yard. 

- The packages weren’t that hard to identify… they were covered in orange Cheeto dust.  

Services Will Be Held On A Pleasant Valley Sunday...

The three surviving members of “The Monkees” have told recently deceased Davy Jones’ family that they will not be attending his funeral because it might turn it into a “media circus”.

- That… and they all missed the last train to Clarksville where the funeral is being held.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone.

- The next day he got a call from a telemarketer asking if he wanted to re-finance his mortgage. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Experts: Super Tuesday To Be Followed By Average Wednesday

“Super Tuesday” has finally arrived, the day when Republicans hold primaries and caucuses in 10 states. Mitt Romney is leading in most national polls, but yesterday, Fox News asked his wife Ann about claims that Mitt comes across as a rich guy who’s out of touch with average Americans since he’s worth about $250 million. She said she doesn’t consider herself “wealthy” since money can be “here today and gone tomorrow”. 

- Especially if “tomorrow” happens to be April 15th.   

- Maybe Mitt just keeps Ann on a really tight household budget. 

House Member Backs Fewer "Cuts": Men Ecstatic!

First a councilwoman in Delaware protested men making laws over women’s reproductive health by getting a resolution passed that granted personhood to sperm. Now, Stacy Newman, a Democratic female House member in Missouri, has proposed a bill that would allow vasectomies only when necessary to protect a man from serious injury or death. 

- I think she’s really swimming upstream on this one. 

- Male members of the House are trying to snip, uh, nip this thing in the bud. 

- The only serious injury I can see a guy getting from NOT getting a vasectomy is when his wife finds out she’s pregnant… again.