Purtan Podcast #34: "Pass The Prozac... How Life In 'Fast Forward' Is Bringing On A National Nervous Breakdown"

It’s Friday and that can mean only one thing: Time for a brand spanking new Podcast! Today, my good friend and self-described “Observer AND Eccentric”, comedy writer Tom DeLisle, sits down with Jackie and me, to discuss the state of the entertainment world. From our obsession with recipe-reaction on Facebook to TV shows and movies with more “bang for your buck” than plot, we offer our observations on what has become an increasingly in-your-face life experience. We don’t go so far as to yell, “Hey you kids… get offa my lawn” but we do take a look at the “good old days” when things moved slower than the speed of light.  So make a cup of coffee (decaf, please) and join us as we rewind in attempt to help us all unwind.  

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #34  (31:07)

Bla(go) To Jail... Go Directly To Jail!

Today, former Illinois Guv Rod Blagojevich begins serving his 14-year prison term for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat. Yesterday, he held a “Goodbye” press conference during which he still insists that he did nothing wrong and will be cleared on appeal. He called the looming prison term a “dark and hard journey,” but said he drew strength from his belief that while in office he “helped real, ordinary people.”

- He added that he’s sure the guys in prison will be “really BLEEPING understanding of this BLEEPING travesty of justice.” 

- Blago says he’s not afraid of the occassional strip search but begged prison officials not to touch his hair. 

- Too bad he’s not going to prison in Texas . They have an empty seat to be filled there called “Old Sparky”. 

Obama's Green Energy Plans Has Newt Green At The Gills!

Newt Gingrich is taking swings at President Obama’s energy policies saying, “He believes in a Fantasy Land where companies like Solyndra are somehow magically going to solve things. His answer is algae. You know, drilling doesn’t work, but algae does?” The White House fired back that mocking renewable fuels is a modern version of the Flat Earth Society. 

- Newt usually likes Fantasy Land - but in his Fantasy, he and his wife have “an open marriage”. 

- The Flat Earth Society… isn’t that what most girls belong to before they hit puberty? 

- You gotta admit, if you’re looking to “Go Green” there isn’t anything much greener than algae! 

NJ City Hall Cracks Toilet Paper Case!

UPDATE: Officials in Trenton, New Jersey, have averted disaster by ending a long-running contract dispute and passing a $16,000 emergency requisition bill to buy toilet paper for City Hall. 

- I guess they decided it was time to put their differences… and the toilet paper… behind them. 

- They all went out and celebrated by getting two-ply sheets to the wind. 

A John Wilkes Booth Bobblehead? Honest, Abe!

The Gettysburg Museum in Pennsylvania has yanked bobbleheads of John Wilkes Booth from it’s gift shop after just one week. While visitors complained that they were “tasteless”, the creator of the dolls said they weren’t designed to glorify Booth or make light of Lincoln’s assassination. He added that it’s hard to get young people interested in history and by making an interactive figure, it becomes more accesible to them. 

- The designer added, “You should see the Lee Harvey Oswald doll I made for the museum in Dallas! It even comes with a mini-grassy knoll!”

Lindsay Lohan In Another "Scrape" With The Law!

Lindsay Lohan claims that an accusation that she scraped a man’s knee with her Porsche as she was trying to leave a club surrounded by paparazzi is a “complete lie”.  

-  Lindsay claims she’s an excellent driver and is really good at staying between the lines… uh… that’s doing lines. 

- Besides… what are the chances that anyone actually has a picture of the incident?  

Today's Almanac

Today is the Ides of March. On this day in 44 B.C., Roman Emperor Juius Caesar was stabbed to death by senators.  

- Thus putting an end to his “Caesar Salad” days.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

Romney Asks: M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-WHY?

Rick Santorum proved pundits - and even himself - wrong yesterday by winning both the Alabama and Mississippi primaries. Newt Gingrich came in second and Mitt Romney took 3rd place. Romney was, however, the big winner in Hawaii. 

- Now if Mitt can just win the Kenyan Primary, he’ll be the leading Republican in both of President Obama’s home states! 

- Despite not winning the two Southern States, Newt Gingrich says his decision to stay in the race remains “unmovable”… just like his wife’s hair in the middle of a tornado. 

Joe Biden: Mr Potato Head?

Vice Prez Joe Biden appeared at a Democratic fundraising dinner at the home of the Senate’s richest member, John Kerry, on Monday. During the $10,000-a-plate dinner of grass-fed steak and white truffle mashed potatoes, he told donors that the Republicans are out of touch with the common man. Biden added, “These guys don’t have a sense of the average folks out there. They don’t know what it means to be middle class.” 

- In his defense, he didn’t say he knew what it meant either. 

- Biden said he feels sorry for average folk who are forced to put thousand-dollar white truffles in BOXED mashed potatoes! 

Clint Eastwood Takes Aim At Kim Kardashian...

Are the Kardashians feeling lucky? I doubt it. As ratings for their reality show, “Keeping up with the Kardashians” continue to drop, E! entertainment has given the greenlight to a new reality show following the family of… wait for it… CLINT EASTWOOD! That’s right, execs say “Mrs. Eastwood & Co.” will follow Dirty Harry, his wife Dina and their kids as they “live their life”. 

- Which would you rather watch?  Kim’s butt… or the butt of Clint’s Magnum? 

- Network execs originally shot down the idea, but they eventually ran out of bullets. 

- In a related story: Look for another new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Kilpatricks”“, coming next fall. It’ll be a never ending series! 

Doctor's Shorten Man To Lengthen His Life!

The University of Virginia Medical Center successfully teated a pituitary tumor that made 8-foot 3-inch Sultan Kosen of Turkey the Guinness Record holder as “World’s Tallest Man”. They say it will stop him from growing any taller, which could have been life-threatening. 

- Tom Cruise immediatey purchased the gland and is having it surgically implanted.

- There’s more to it, but I wanted to make a long story short. 

- Doctors say Kosen is a good man, but tends to look down on people.  

New Jersey: We're Wiped Out!

City Hall and other government buildings in Trenton, New Jersey, are in crisis: The city is down to just half a box of toilet paper. Officials say they can’t order more ‘til they agree on a new contract with the supplier. Things are allegedly being held up by a long running dispute between the mayor and the city council. 

- So basically, the toilet paper talks have “stalled”. 

- Other than that, things in Trenton have really been on a roll! 

- One councilman held up a vote by holding a Bladderbuster, uh, I mean, a Filibuster.  

- Men in Trenton say they won’t stand for this… and women there say they won’t sit for it either! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1972, California Gov. Ronald Reagan greated a pardon to Merle Haggard for his burlary sentence at San Quentin, calling him “fully rehabilitated”.  

- Reagan’s exact words were: “Everything is Okey Dokey with the Okie From Muskogee.” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Criminals Give New Meaning To "Laundering Money"!

The New York Post reports that there’s a nationwide crime wave of Tide detergent thefts. It’s so bad that police departments are forming a “Tide Task Force” and stores like CVS are starting to lock it up. Some drug dealers even trade it for drugs. In Maryland, where Tide is known as “Liquid Gold”, an undercover cop tried to buy some cocaine, and the dealer said, “I don’t have drugs, but I can sell you 15 bottles of Tide”. 

- And so far everyone of these criminals has made a really clean getaway. 

- Cops vow to get these theives with the “Long Arm & Hammer of The Law”. 

- Police say even so called “soft stuff” can lead to an addiction to Tide. So tell your kids to stay away from Downey! 

Music Fans Gaga Over Swift...

Monday, Billboard realeased it’s list of musics’ top moneymakers. At #1 was Taylor Swift who made $37.5 million in 2011 because of record sales, touring and the fact that she writes her own songs and gets all the royalties. She was followed by U2, Kenny Chesney and Lady Gaga. 

- Lady Gaga may have come in 4th but that’s still plenty of money to have her meat dresses made out of Filet Mignon. 

- So basically Kenny Chesney has made millions singing about how awful it is to be a broke, down-on-your luck guy from the sticks. 

Snooki: Too Much Of A Cash Cow?

A Fitness Magazine/Yahoo Finance survey named Snooki, who gets $100,000 per episode for “Jersey Shore”, as the most overpaid celebrity. 64% of respondents said she’s making too much cash. 

-I’m pretty sure she could get a job making minimum wage and she’d still be way overpaid! 

"It Takes A Village Idiot..."

Kim Kardashian is upset with “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm who told Elle magazine, “Whether it’s Kim Karsashian or Paris Hilton… stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a (BLEEPING) idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you are rewarded significantly.” Kim Twittered her reply: “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another.” 

- She forgot to mention that fact that she works really hard at being a great wife… no wait a second… 

- Paris Hilton said “Jon Hamm? He’s HOT!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1781, Sir William Herscel discovered Uranus. 

- At first he claimed it was part of a new galaxy, but scientists found cracks in his theory. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday!

-Dick  

End-Of-World Predictor Admits He Was Wrong 5 Months After World Doesn't End...

Harold Camping, the California preacher who first predicted the end of the world would occur last May, then changed his prediction to last October has admitted he was wrong. He said in a post of his website that he has no evidence that the Apocolypse will occur anytime soon and has no interest in making more predictions. BTW… thousands of “believers” sold everything they had in anticipation of the end of the world. 

- He was was wrong about the end of the world, but right when he said the GOP race would go on forever.  

- The world may not have ended, but I’m pretty sure his ministry is about to. 

- In his defense Camping did predict that Kim Kardashian’s marriage would only last 72 days.  

Eye Of Newt: Rick Perry For V.P.?

Rumor has it that New Gingrich is eyeing former GOP candidate Rick Perry as his Vice-Presidential running mate. 

- Rick said he was thrilled by the nod for three important reasons, but can only remember two of them.