A new study claims that people with higher IQ’s take less sick days than people with a lower Intelligence Quotient.
- Which explains why members of Congress miss so many votes!
- It’s hard to believe, but this means all those guys at Cedar Point wearing the “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirts are workaholics!
- Maybe it’s because smart people realize you need to actually go to work to get paid.
A Muncie, Indiana, woman was arrested for allegely grabbing her boyfriends, uh… nether regions… and severly tearing it during an altercation. The injury was so severe that he was sent him to the nearest hospital - Ball Memorial.
- You supply the punchline on this one!
- It took a pair of surgeons to repair the damage.
An upscale mattress store in New York City’s Soho neighborhood has created a “nap room” where anyone is welcome to come in off the street and take a “test nap”, with no requirement to actually purchase a mattress.
- I thought New York was “The City That Never Sleeps”…
- It’s just like a New York hotel… except the Mattress store actually changes the sheets now and again.
“60 Minutes” interviewer Mike Wallace died over the weekend at age 93.
- Of course at “60 Minutes” that’s considered a “totally unexpected, premature death”.
- He was met at the Pearly Gates by Andy Rooney who spent five minutes complaining about Heaven.
A proposed law in Arizona would criminalize “annoying or offensive” comments on the internet.
- The news has internet users all a-Twitter!
- Those convicted more than once will be known as re-Tweet offenders.
- Well, there go my plans for the new site, “In Your Face-Book”.
On this day in 2005, England’s Prince Charles married his long-time love Camilla Parker Bowles.
- The event was a real “Dog and Pony Show”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Today I reveal where I’ve been the last few weeks, what I’ve been doing, and how I learned the “definitive scientific” explanation as to why some women give birth to either all girls or all boys. Plus… Jackie tells the story of how a nurse she knows told her how incredibly hard life is for her, because she’s just sooooooooooo gosh darn beautiful! 
(The other woman, not Jackie!) And I’ll explain why you won’t be seeing the big, bearded”Tax Master Man” guy on TV anymore!
Purtan Podcast #37 (19:23)
Rick Perry was known for making blunders during his run for the Presidency. Now a new book claims that Perry took painkillers just to get through the GOP debates.
- Perry insisits that he only took three weak, over-the-counter meds… Advil, Tylenol and, um, well… oops.
- I think the painkillers should be handed out to everyone who has to watch the debates - and they should be paid for by the government!
- Mitt Romney was also on painkillers… his were called “Newts”.
A new study found that most people in America are happiest at age… wait for it… 33.
- Interestingly, most of those surveyed were unemployed guys living in their parents basement who were actually 33 at the time of the survey.
- Researchers were surprised when they got the answer “33” from people who were 25. But that’s what you get when you survey members of “The Optomist’s Club”.
Police in Des Moines, Iowa, arrested a man for relieving himself on the office chairs of four female co-workers at the Farm Bureau.
- He is now #1 on Des Moines “Most Wanted” criminal list.
- His boss sent him a letter that started out “Urine trouble!”
- When asked how he felt after his arrest, the man said, “relieved”.
It’s official… Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels have signed on to do a sequel to their old hit movie “Dumb and Dumber”. It’s due to start filming this fall.
- Instead of calling it “Dumb and Dumber - The Sequel”, producers have decided to just name it “Congress”.
- This is what is known as the “Dumb and Dumbing Down Of America”.
- There are certain movies that stand alone and shouldn’t be messed with, like “Gone With The Wind”, “Casablanca”, “Dumb and Dumber”…
Apparently the economy is so bad, even James Bond is cutting back. According to insiders, the next 007 film, “Skyfall” will feature a James Bond who drinks beer, NOT martinis.
- Bond fans everywhere were shaken - but not stirred - by the news.
- The really tricky part is going to be building all those super-secret, high-tech gadgets into a ‘79 Chevy pick-up.
- So basically, for the first time, James Bond will actually have “Six-Pack Abs”.
- The “Bond Girl” will still have big boobs so who really cares what he drinks?
Amid growning international tensions, Iran has just ordered it’s scientists to speed up their work on nuclear devices.
- But don’t worry… they’re NOT weapons, they’re just going to be used to power up Burka-making factories.
- The scientists better comply… you don’t want to see Ahmadinejad in a bad Mah-mood!
On this day in 1581, Sir Francis Drake completed his circumnaivigation of the earth.
- And the ship’s doctor completed his circumcision of Sir Francis Drake.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
P.S. Don’t forget to check out our latest Podcast (#36). It’s called “The Purtan Girls Gone Wild - The Sequel”. You can find it on the DickPurtan.com homepage.
Mitt Romney’s wife Anne was recently asked about her husbands Mitt’s reputation for being “too stiff”. Her reply? “Well I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out”.
- And to think Hillary Clinton spent eight years trying to get Bill to stay zipped up!
- They’ve got five sons so we do know he’s capable of unzipping.
- I don’t know about “unzipped”… but Newt Gingrich’s plan to colonoize the moon make me think he’s a bit “unglued”.
Michelle Obama got “slimed” over the weekend at Nickelodeon’s annual “Kids Choice Award”. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a tradition for the TV channel, and involves pouring a huge amount of green goop on the intended victim.
- Barack Obama immediately appointed a “Slime Czar” to see if the goop can be turned into an alternative “green” biofuel.
- In Chicago, the slime is affectionately called, “Blago”.
- Mrs. Obama wasn’t too thrilled about the green goop until producers assured her it contained three full servings of brocolli.
The Federal Reserve Bank announced that Americans over age 60 currently owe more than $36 billion in unpaid student loans.
- Not suprisingly, none of them did very well in the “Economics” class they took, back when they were taking out the loans.
- Will they pay them back? At their age, I’d say that really Depends.
A woman in Florida is charged with offering to have sex with a man who turned out to be an undercover cop in exchange for two double cheeseburgers off the McDonald’s Dollar menu.
- She should have gone to Burger King where they don’t get mad if you ask to “hold the pickle”.
- If he threw in an order of fries, she promised to “Super Size” him.
- She basically just wanted a “Happy Meal”… but without the toy.
- Her lawyer claims exchanging sex for cheeseburgers was on her “Bucket List”… but prosecutors argued, if that was the case, she should have gone to KFC.
The 3D version of the movie “Titanic” comes out this week - 100 years after the real Titanic hit an iceberg, and 15 years after the regular version of the film was released. Meanwhile, Kate Winslet said that now she’s a lot thinner and Leo DiCaprio a lot heavier.
- Let’s be honest, after the nude-sketch scene most men forgot that DiCaprio was even in the movie.
- So when it comes to the Titanic, it looks like more than Celine Dion’s heart will go on!
In a recent interview, Elton John admitted that he could have ended up like Whitney Houston.
- Of course every Saturday night he DRESSES like Whitney Houston…
- Plus, I don’t ever remember Whitney Houston dressing up in a giant Duck suit.
- I think he’s more like Lady Gaga. Between his duck costume and her meat dress, they’re kind of like the “Surf & Turf” of pop music.