On this day in 1783, the first Circus was organized.
- Up until then, it was just a bunch of guys clowning around.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
A court in Pakistan has sentenced three of Osama Bin Laden’s widows and two of his daughters to 45 days in prison after convicting them of illegally entering the country. The women have been in custody since March 3rd and will be given credit for “time served” - meaning they’ll be out of the slammer in two weeks.
- The wives say they miss Osama… but admit it’s nice not having to pick up his dirty socks and turbans off the floor all the time.
- His “favorite” wife is so desparate to visit Osama’s grave, she’s hired “Titanic” director James Cameron to take her down to the bottom of the Atlantic in his special submarine.
- If Cameron is unavailable, she’ll go to “Plan B” and hire a well known Italian ship captain… although I understand he’s unavailable right now.
Taylor Swift won her second consecutive “Entertainer of the Year” Award last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards, but she looked a bit uncomfortable when host Reba McIntyre joked about Swifts rumored date with now NY Giant’s QB Tim Tebow. 
When the host quipped “Now we know what Tim was praying for”, Taylor just sat there looking baffled.
- That’s because Kanye West jumped up on stage, grabbed the mic and said, “I’m gonna let you finish, but Tim Tebow was praying for a date with Beyonce who had one of the greatest videos of all time!”
Disgraced former Senator and Presidential nominee John Edwards is in big trouble with his baby mama Rielle Hunter. She’s reported infuriated about rumors that Edwards spent an evening with a high priced call girl back in 2007 - during the same time Rielle was carrying the love child he conceived while cheating on his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth.
- Can you blame her? I mean he SWORE he wouldn’t cheat on his wife with anyone but her!
- To get back at him, Rielle did the ultimate no-no: She messed up his hair.
Speaking of hair… As an April Fools Day prank, Mitt Romney’s staff sent him into a campaign stop where the room was completely empty.
- It was actually the site of a rally for Newt Gingrich.
Kansas “Liquidated” Ohio State on Saturday paving the way for their appearance in the NCAA Basketball Championship game against Kentucky tonight.
- At the request of rioting Kentucky fans, rappers “Salt ‘n Pepa Spray” will sing the National Anthem before the tip-off.
On this day in 1513, explorer Ponce de Leon landed in Florida.
- He spent years looking for the “Fountain of Youth” when all he had to do was turn on the TV and watch a commercial for the “Lifestyle Lift”!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Jackie here again… While Dad takes one more Podcast off, he again made the questionable decision to leave the microphones in the hands of three of his six daughters. This week, my older sister Jennifer, and my baby sister Julie & I sit down to chat. Good idea? You be the Supreme Cou…, uh, judge. Join two of my favorite sisters and I (please don’t tell Jill, JoAnne and Jessica I said that) as we talk about everything from changing diapers to the REAL location of the G-Spot. 
It’s a conversation you won’t want to miss (although, Dad most likely - and hopefully - will!)
Have a great weekend!
-Jackie
Purtan Podcast #36 (29:45)
Yesterday, the Supreme Court finally heard the long-awaited arguments on the constitutionality of the Obamacare mandate that forces every American to buy health insurance. Even supporters of the law admitted that it went badly for the government. Swing vote Justice Anthony Kennedy suggested that the bill fundamentally changes the relationship between the government and citizens, and would give Congress unlimited power.
- Congress members were shocked, saying they thought they already have unlimited power!
- If the Supreme Court doesn’t rule in their favor, the White House says they’ll plead their case to Diana Ross.
- Newt Gingrich said that’s baloney because once he’s elected President he’ll be the one with unlimited power!
Justice Kennedy and the conservative justices said that if Obamacare is allowed to stand, what would keep Congress from ordering Americans to buy broccoli for health, cell phones in case they need to call 911, or burial plots because eventually everybody dies.
- Well, everybody but Elvis.
A JetBlue flight from NY to Vegas turned into a nightmare yesterday morning when the pilot had some sort of mental or medical episode. After acting strangely and storming out of the cockpit, the worried co-pilot locked him out. The pilot then began banging on the door and ranting about al-Qaeda, bombs, Iran and Iraq.
He told passengers that they better say their prayers because they were all going down. Four passengers subdued the pilot by sitting on him while the plane made an emergency landing in Texas.
- Other than that, the flight was pretty uneventful.
- If there’s one thing worse than a mean drunk, it’s a mean drunk who happens to be flying the plane you’re on.
- You can tell the passengers were on their way to Vegas to play poker… cuz they “Knew how to hold ‘em”.
- The passengers didn’t think they’d be taking a gamble until they actually got to Vegas.
A Turkish shampoo company is under fire for an ad featuring Adolf Hitler that describes their product as a “100 percent men’s shampoo”. It’s said to give both the hair on your head and your mustache a “silky radiance”.
- Historians claim this explains why Eva Braun was often overheard in the Bunker saying, “Gee, Adolf… You’re Hair Smells Terrific!”
- They got the idea from an Iranian ad for hair coloring featuring Mahmood Ahmedinejhad called “Just For Dictators”.
- FYI… I’m still on the fence about my recently shaved mustache, but two of my six daughters have decided to let theirs grow back in.
If you think gas is expensive, try pricing rubber chickens. Humor consultant Malcolm Kushner has tallied the Cost of Laughing Index since 1987, and he says the wholesale price of a dozen rubber chickens is up 8% since last year, from $72 to $78. On a bright note, the price of Whoopi cushions is holding steady at $1.20 a dozen.
- I think the only people who buy rubber chickens by the dozen are the chefs as “Denny’s”
- When fans of Whoopi cushions heard the news they had one thing to say: “Wow!” (Admit it… you thought I was gonna say “Whoopee!”)
- The cost to ABC of actually having Whoopi Goldberg sit on the cushions on the set of “The View” continues to rise.
Oops! President Obama didn’t realize that a microphone was on when he told Russian President Medvedev to assure incoming President Vladimir Putin that if Putin would just give him more “space”, he would have more flexibility to deal with issues like missile defense after he’s re-elected. 
The gaffe sparked outcries from the GOP claiming that Obama isn’t being honest with voters about his plans to kowtow to Russia.
- Of course he’s lying to voters! It’s an election year!
- In his defense, Obama said, “Hey… at least I wasn’t reading it off a teleprompter!”
- This will be featured on an upcoming episode of “RFV”… “Russia’s Funniest Videos”.
A 56-year-old unemployed man in Austria had an appointment with the labor office last week to determine if he was healthy enough to go back to work. So just hours before the meeting, he reportedly used an electric saw to cut his left foot off just above the ankle. He tossed the foot into his oven and called an ambulance. Why? He didn’t want to be found healthy enough to go back to work.
- Mission Accomplished!
- He’d heard the expression “cutting off your nose to spite your face” but just mixed up the body parts.
- Turns out the joke’s on him… they assigned him to a job at IHOP.
If you are really into saving the environment, there’s a new way to dispose of a dead body. It’s called alkaline hydrolysis, or “resomation”. Unlike burial, it doesn’t take any land; and unlike cremation, it uses little energy and generates no carbon. Instead, it uses lye and hot water to liquefy your loved one and wash his or her remains down the drain. leaving behind just bones that can be ground up.
- And instead of eight Pall Bearers, you only need one person to carry the pitcher filled with your Uncle Bob.
- “Liquefy Your Loved One”… Isn’t that a Lady Gaga song?
- This process leaves a lot fewer people saying, “He looks like he’s just sleeping!”
A woman described as an “overzealous fan” armed with a brick reportedly broke into Simon Cowell’s mansion in London. She wandered around his house, used his bathroom and even laid on his bed while Simon was watching TV in his lounge. She was eventually discovered by someone on his staff. Cowell plans to update his security system and says the terrifying experience “was like something out of a horror movie.”
- Actually he was watching a horror movie at the time… no wait, that was a re-run of William Hung on American Idol.
- Turns out the intruder was actually Paula Abdul who mistook his house for a really big liquor store.
- When police arrived, Simon said their arrest technique “was dreadful and pitchy.”
The University of Scranton found that not only is air-popped popcorn a high-fiber, whole grain snack, it has nearly twice as many healthy antioxidants as fruits and vegetables. The study leader said popcorn kernels are “nutritional gold nuggets”, as long as they’re not popped in oil and covered in melted butter and cheese.
- Isn’t popcorn just a convenient way to get more melted butter and cheese into your mouth?
- He also noted that if you don’t have any air-popped popcorn on hand, you can just eat cardboard instead.
On this day in 1866, plumber Andy Rankin patented the urinal.
- And received a standing ovation from every man in the crowd.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
P.S. Don’t forget to check out a “surprise podcast” (#35)!
Yesterday, “Titanic” director James Cameron became the first person to travel solo to the lowest place on Earth, the bottom of the Mariana Trench, seven miles below the ocean’s surface. Cameron was in a special sub designed to withstand extreme high pressure. He’d intended to stay six hours, but he returned after just three hours.
- Apparently he found that giant blue necklace Rose threw off the back of the Titanic a lot faster than he thought!
- Celine Dion wrote a special song before the voyage called… “My Oxygen Tank Better Go On”.
- The only other person who has sunk that low was Charlie Sheen during his “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour.
Kim Kardashian has decided to press charges against a female anti-fur activist who ran up behind her and hurled a bag of flour at her during a red carpet event last week. Kim was wearing all black at the time, and the back of her head and her whole backside were completely covered in flour. Kim called her attacker “a bully”.
- One question: What woman is strong enough to carry a bag of flour big enough to cover Kim’s entire backside?
- Her butt ended up looking like two giant dinner rolls.
- Kim had so much white powder on her, for a minute the paparazzi mistook her for Lindsay Lohan.