"Clean Up In Aisle Four... Divorce In Aisle Seven..."

An Islamic man was at a shopping mall with his wife and kids in Saudi Arabia recently, when he saw another man hand his wife a piece of paper with his phone number on it. When his wife put it into her bag, her husband went straight to the mall’s loudspeaker and announced that he was divorcing her to the entire shopping center. Apparently, it stuck. According to Islamic law, all a man has to do is say “I divorce thee” three times in a row and it’s a done deal. 

- She didn’t care much about the divorce, but she was furious when he said “Yes… that Burka makes your butt look big!” three times in a row over the loud speaker! 

Texas Rangers Pitch Two-Foot Hot Dog... But Will Fans Relish It?

The Texas Rangers baseball organization has created a two-foot-long hot dog, topped with shredded cheese, chili, and sauteed onions that’s served on a bun made of “exotic bread flown in from France.” It will be called both the “Champion Dog” and “The Broomstick” and will sell for $26. Vendors say it’s meant to feed three or four fans.  

- It sounds like it was designed by and for men who are going through a mid-life crisis. 

- Baseball is going to Hell in a handbasket! Now even the hot dogs are on steroids! 

- They were going to sell it for ten dollars more, but fans said it didn’t cut the mustard. 

- Of course people in Texas would think the bread was “exotic” if it was flown in from Arkansas. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1827, composer Ludwig van Beethoven died.  

- Of course today his memory lives on in the memories of thousands of people who think he was “that genius dog who starred in the movie with Charles Grodin back in the 90’s”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #35: "While Dad's Away"... aka "The Purtan Girls Gone Wild!"

Jennifer, Dad, Jill, Mom, our dog Piper and Jackie… just a few short years ago! Happy first Friday of Spring! Dad is taking a long weekend and, with some trepidation, has left this edition of the Podcast in the semi-capable hands of yours truly, Jackie, and two of my five sisters, Jennifer and Jill. With “Dad” away… we cover a few topics that probably wouldn’t have made the Podcast otherwise:  From what Moms are really reading these days (oh my!) to the importance of Oscar Mayer Little Weiners at Purtan family gatherings… we let it all hang out.  Think of it as “The View” without the cat fights. On Steroids. Or maybe Estrogen.

Enjoy… chances are, Dad’s never going to let us do this again! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Jackie 

Purtan Podcast #35  (24:58)

Rick Santorum Comes Up Empty With Unemployment "Line"...

Mitt Romney won the Illinois primary by a double-digit margin yesterday. The victory may be due in part to the fact that Rick Santorum keeps putting his foot in mouth. His latest gaffe? Just before the vote Tuesday, he told Illinois voters, “I don’t care what the unemployment rate’s going to be. Doesn’t matter to me.” He later admitted he wished he “had a do-over”. 

- Too bad for him all the thousands of unemployed people in Illinois were sitting at home watching TV when he said it. 

- He may not care about the unemployment rate now… but that may change after the convention.

No Wedding "Shower" For Leo DiCaprio...

According to the National Enquirer (I know, but hey, they were right about O.J. and John Edwards weren’t they?) actor Leo DiCaprio is dangerously close to losing his sexy girlfriend Erin Heatherton because of “poor hygeine”. Apparently Leo is so into the “Green Movement” that he believes underarm deodorant is a danger to the environment and only showers a couple of times a week to “conserve water”.  

- Apparently when she said he better “clean up his act” she meant it literally.   

- This finally explains why Kate Winslet didn’t move over and let him share that piece of wood with her at the end of the Titanic! He needed a bath! 

Jerry Lee Lewis To Wed For 7th Time: Biggest Surprise... Reception NOT To Be Held At "Chuck E. Cheese"!

Jerry Lee Lewis is about to tie the knot - for the 7th time - and once again he’s keeping it in the family. The legendary “Great Balls of Fire” singer is set to marry Judith Brown, he ex-wife of his cousin “Rusty”. Of course, Jerry made headlines back in 1957 when he married his 13-year-old-cousin Myra Gale Brown - who just happens to be Rusty’s older sister. While family members say she’s a gold-digger, Judith describes herself as a “caregiver” to the 76-year-old. 

- It’s true! She runs all kinds of errands for him… like grocery shopping and taking him to the cleaners. 

- Judith says she isn’t expecting too much from the Honeymoon… at his age “A Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” is actually a medical condition 

- In honor of the nuptials, Jerry will release an updated version of one of his classics entitled: “Nursing Home Confidential”. 

"Sorry, Charlie!!!"

Charlie Sheen’s character of Charlie Harper is returning to “Two And A Half Men,” but Sheen isn’t.  CBS revealed that on the April 30th episode, Alan Harper, played by Jon Cryer, suffers a heart attack and is visited by Charlie’s ghost in the hospital.  Who will play the ghost? Actress Kathy Bates. 

- Ironically, it was the topless scene of Kathy in that Jack Nicholson movie that brought on the heart attack in the first place. 

- Charlie has officially changed his trademark slogan to “Losing!” 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1980, J.R. Ewing was shot on the TV show “Dallas”. 

- And to this day, there are still people who believe there was a second gunman on the grassy knoll.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Ring In Spring!!!

Happy first day of Spring… or as i like to call it “Black Socks and Sandals Season”! Before you head outside to enjoy this incredible weather, there are just a few things in the news that caught my eye. I’ll keep it brief - as I’ve already got the “Slip ‘n Slide” out on the front lawn and want to set up my lemonade stand before lunch! 

Enjoy! 

-Dick

Another Spaced Out Move By Ashton Kutcher...

Ashton Kutcher has become the latest celebrity to agree to pay $200,000 to go into space on Richard Branson’s upcoming Virgin Galactic service. Brad Pitt has already signed on. Kutcher will be the company’s 500th customer. 

- Demi Moore says she’ll throw in another $200,000 if Branson promises that Ashton’s ticket is one-way and not round trip. 

- It figures that Virgin would be the airline to take a bunch of guys where “no man has gone before”. 

Women At The End Of Their Ropes... And Couldn't Be Happier!

A survey of women by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University found that about 5% of women they interviewed had experienced the big “O” while exercising at the gym.  And of those, 40% said it had happened on eleven or more occassions. They are called “core-gasms” because they seem to be related to exercises for core abs, including multiple crunches. But some women had them during weight lifting, yoga, aerobics, and while climbing a pole or rope.  

- No wonder Suzanne Somers always looked so happy in those TV commercials for the Thighmaster! 

- You can tell which women are affected: They’re the ones outside the gym having a smoke with their protein smoothie. 

Hold The Presses... (And The Pickles)... Burger King Dethroned!

McDonald’s is lovin’ it… According to a new report the company is still the biggest US burger chain with $34.2 billion is sales last year alone. But Wendy’s knocked Burger King out of second place by taking in $8.5 billion. Wendy’s execs attribute the success to an improved menu including a salad bar and specialty burgers like Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy. 

- Burger King’s biggest problem is that no guy in his right mind is going to order a “Whopper Jr.”

- The “salad bar”… that’s that thing with green stuff you pass on your way back to the table carrying your Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy, right? 

Hilary Clinton Searches For Only Woman In History Bill Hasn't Slept With...

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is wading into one of the 20th century’s most enduring mysteries: What happened to Amelia Earhart, who went missing over the South Pacific 75 years ago while trying to become the first woman to fly around the world. Clinton will meet today with historians who believe they may have found what could be wreckage from Earhart’s plane on a remote island. 

- If they want the woman to be found they should send Bill Clinton, not Hillary! 

- I don’t think they’re ever gonna find her. Rescuers couldn’t even find Gilligan - and he was with a professor who could make a radio out of a coconut! 

Today's Alamanc

On this day in 1413, England’s King Henry IV died: be was succeeded by Henry V. 

- I’ll bet nobody saw that one coming.  

Enjoy the day and I’ll see you right back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Expect To Cee Less Of Cee Lo At Obama Fundraisers...

Friday at an Obama fundraiser in Atlanta, singer Cee Lo Green flipped off the crowd, asked, “Can I cuss in here?,” then began singing the uncensored version of “Forget You”. (If you’re not familiar with the song, think of “Forget” as a four-letter word beginning with “F”). Since Obama had just made a public display of demanding civility toward women and not using words like “slut” someone finally signaled to Green not to do that in front of the President. 

- Unfortunately, he used an obscene gesture to get the message across. 

- Ironically, “slut” was the only four letter word Cee Lo didn’t use in front of Obama. 

"The Roto-Robber?"

Police in Jefferson County, Colorado, arrested Donald Allan Citron on 18 charges related to stealing thousands of dollars worlth of toilet pipes and parts from public restrooms and reselling them for pennies on the dollar to scrap dealers. Ironically, Citron is a plumber and his crimes have earned him the nickname: “The Crapper Scrapper”.  

- Police have also dubbed him “Public Enemy #1… and sometimes #2”. 

- Copper piping is worth a ton! If he steels enough, he’ll be flush! 

You Might Be A Terrorist If...

The New Jersey office of Homeland Security has created a training video that tells TSA agents not to use race or religion to profile terrorists. Intstead they should look for people who have a cold stare or wide “flashbulb eyes”. Other “terrorists tip-offs” include people who repeatedly touch their face or ears, fidget, pace, tremble, yawn, stare at clocks, gets goose bumps or sweat. 

- Michael Moore was immediately put on the no-fly list just for the “sweating” part. 

- Is it just me, or do all those “tip-offs” sound like things regular people do because their terrified they might end up on plane with a terrorist? 

- The video also pointed out that if a person approaching the gate has really glassy eyes… he’s probably the pilot who’s had a few. 

Rosie Wilts As Oprah Takes Matters Into Her OWN Hands...

Friday, after 5 months of tinkering, Oprah Winfrey pulled the plug on Rosie O’Donnell’s heavily-hyped talk show. One insider described the backstage scene as a “BLEEPING hellhole,” with a frustrated Rosie screaming and berating staffers. And that was before it got cancelled. 

- Remember the good old days when Rosie pretended she was nice, straight, and had a huge crush on Tom Cruise? 

- Give it a few months and Oprah will book an exclusive, tearful reunion special with Rosie where she’ll apologize for cancelling the show. The ratings will go thru the roof! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1918, Congress approved Daylight Saving Time. 

- It gave them a whole extra hour of light to accomplish absolutely nothing.

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday!

-Dick