From the “I Didn’t See That One Coming Department”… A California parole board denied Charles Manson release from prison for the 12th time.
-Manson’s smart… he bet against himself getting paroled and made a killing!
A study from the National Institutes of Health says women today spend two more hours in labor than women in the 1960’s. 
- I guess when push comes to shove, some of those babies just don’t want to be pushed or shoved!
- The curve was thrown off by women who are in labor during “Dancing With The Stars” and don’t want to have the baby until they see Glady’s Knight do the Cha-Cha.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie says that under Obama, America is turning into a bunch of couch potatoes addicted to sitting around waiting for government checks. 
-Ironically, Christie looks like a couch potato, but he actually earns his governmnent check. 
-Despite his weight, Christie is NOT a couch potato… that’s because he ate both the potato and the couch.
Betty White launched her first Twitter account and within minutes had 145,000 followers. 
- Good for Betty! I’ll bet she hasn’t been Twittered in years!
The Rolling Stones have announced that they are heading into the studio to record a new album. 
- The first single to be released will be, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction Without Viagra”. 
- The album will also include, “The Early Bird Dinner At Ruby Tuesday’s” and “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want”.
On this day in 1992, Euro Disneyland opened in France. 
- It closed a day later when employees surrendered to a bunch of German tourists. 
Good luck to the Red Wings in Game One of their playoff series against the Predators in Nashville Game time: 8:00 pm!
In a move that surprised many, second-runner Rick Santorum bowed out of the GOP Presidential race yesterday. But he’s is asking his supporters to continue donating to help pay off his campaign debt.
- If Mitt Romney had known Santorum wanted to get out of the race and pay off his debt, Romney would have written him a check months ago!
- Meanwhile Newt Gingrich is still in the race… he’s sort of like Cousin Ed in “Christmas Vacation” who parked his RV in Clark W. Griswold’s driveway and refused to leave.
The cruise ship retracing the voyage of the Titanic was delayed on it’s very first day due to strong winds.
- The ship didn’t have enough Kites on board for all of the passengers.
- So apparently Celine Dion’s heart will go on, but the ship has to stop when a little wind kicks up.
- The wind was so strong a guy standing on the bow of the ship yelling, “I’m the King of the World!” blew overboard.
A public funeral service is being planned for famed TV journalism pioneer Mike Wallace who passed away over the weekend at the age of 93.
- The service is expected to last about 60 Minutes.
- The eulogy will be delivered by a group of his peers and will begin, “I’m Steve Croft… I’m Leslie Stahl… I’m Morley Safer… and THIS… is Mike Wallace’s funeral.”
- St. Peter reportedly quit his job at the Pearly Gates saying “I can’t take any more questions from Mike Wallace!”
Rapper Snoop Dogg is releasing a smokabe book to promote his new brand of smoking papers.
- Up until now, the most smoking book was the “Mommy Porn” book “Fifty Shades of Gray”.
- It’s the number one selection of “The Toke of The Month Club”.
- Critics say, “It’s a real page-burner!”
The tabloids are all abuzz with talk that Kanye West gave the recently un-wed Kim Karsashian a hickey.
- Wow… She wasn’t even married long enough for her husband to do that!
- Kanye says it’s true, but the hickey he gave Beyonce was “the greatest hickey of all time”.
- You know you’ve hit bottom when you’ve left a mark on Kim Kardashian.
On this day in 1900, the US Navy introduced it’s first submarine.
- Things would have gone perfectly if they had just remembered to close the hatch.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
A new study finds that teen birth rates in the U.S. have fallen to a record low.
- So women finally realized it’s a lot easier giving birth to an infant than a full-sized teenager.
Bill Gates is pumping millions of dollars into developing a process that filters toilet waste into safe, drinkable water.
- Talk about flushing good money after bad!
- He got the idea from looking at a glass of Moutain Dew.
- If it works, I predict Gates product will be the #1 bottled water on the market!
Facebook just bought the photo-sharing app “Instagram” for $9 Billion!!! It’s supposed to make it even easier for Facebook users to post pictures on their pages.
- Great! Now it will be even easier for teenagers to post drunken photos of themselves that future employers will look at and then refuse to give them a job!
- If you use it to post naked pictures of yourself, the program will be called “Sin-stagram”.
- The guys at Instagram said, “Want to sell your company for an astounding $9 Billion? There’s a Sapp for that!”
A French plumber has come forward claiming that he is the grandson of none other than Adolf Hitler.
- That explains the “World’s Most Ruthless Grandpa” coffee cup U.S. soldiers found in the bunker!
- If this is true, it means Hitler didn’t just invade France… He invaded a French woman.
- Imagine how proud Hitler was when he watched his grandson take his first goosestep!
The new TV show “Don’t Trust The B—— in Apartment 23” premieres tomorrow night on ABC.
- If the show is successful, ABC is thinking of changing the name of “ABC World News With Diane Sawyer” to “You Can Trust The Blond B—— on ABC News”.
On this day in 1970, Jim Morrison politely asked audience members attending his concert with”The Doors” if they’d like to see his private parts.
- The very next day he released the single “Touch Me Baby”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
P.S. Don’t forget to listen to our latest Podcast (#37)! It’s available for your listening pleasure on the DickPurtan.com homepage!
Congrats to the Tigers for sweeping their series against the Red Sox!