On this day in 1899 the lawn mower was patented.
- The guy who got the patent actually borrowed the idea from his neighbor.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The US Senate has approved a bill, bailing out the failing US Postal Service to the tune of $34 billion.
- They currently lose 25 million a day… That’s DOLLARS not LETTERS.
GOP Presidential hopeful Ron Paul, a former gynecologist, says he’ll try to eliminate TSA agents at airports.
- Star Trek fans are up in arms… Invasive airport Pat-Downs are the only action they ever get!
- Paul’s position is expected to stirrup a lot of controversy.
- Well, at least if he loses the nomination, he can always go back to the privates, uh, private sector.
It was revealed at John Edwards’ trial that even after he was under grand jury investigation for financial misdoing, Edwards hit up a 101-year-old donor for $3 million, but she turned him down.
- I don’t blame her… she needs that money for her golden years!
- Edwards also hit her up for sex… he wanted to sleep with someone he knew wouldn’t accuse him of getting her pregnant.
A new study finds that reminders of death can improve people’s lives.
- Which explains why funeral directors always seem so darn happy!
- So if you want to improve your quality of life, pack a picnic and head to your local cemetary.
Scientists have announced that dinosaurs may have produced so much methane gas that they actually caused global warming and eventually rendered themselves exstinct.
- Al Gore immediately called for a ban on all dinosaurs by 2014.
- So technically dinosaurs didn’t become extinct, they became “Ex-stinked”.
- The biggest offender was the “Flatulasaurus”.
- Steven Speilberg has already begun filming “Jur-Gas-ic Park”.
Lindsay Lohan was seen having dinner Woody Allen in NYC over the weekend.
- Out of habit, he made her order off the kiddie menu.
- She told the waiter she didn’t need a beverage… she brought her own coke.
- Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohan? Why he’s old enough to be her… husband!
On this day in 1874, the rubber tire was patented by Robert W. Thomson.
- It led to some pretty uncomfortable sex until people figured out you were supposed to use it on your car.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#41) on the DickPurtan.com homepage!
-Dick
Time Warner has launched a 24-hour channel for dogs to watch while their owners are away.
- Because when you’re away you don’t want your dog to just lay around doing nothing, like he does when your home.
- A cable show that appeals to dogs… Isn’t that what “Jersey Shore” is for?
- Really smart dogs can now upload their own videos to an internet channel: YouPoop.
Just released documents found in Osama bin Laden’s compound show that al Qaeda planned to hijack cruise ships.
- They weren’t going to do anything bad, the terrorists just needed a little break from Jihading.
- On a bright note, they would have come in handy when it came time to blow up the inflatable life rafts.
- Who needs terrorists? Don’t enough people explode on cruises from the food alone?
Despite huge protests across the country, Vladimir Putin has been sworn in as the President of Russia for the third time.
- Finally! “Vlad Putin and Putin’s People” are back!
- Putin promises he will rule peacefully, as soon as he kills all of the people who opposed him.
Police in New York busted a female hot dog cart vendor who was allegedly offering to engage in sex acts for money.
- Fans of her cart said the hot dogs were great and she had a wide range of condom-ments.
- She says she was simply charging extra for her amazing buns.
- The lady who runs the hot pretzel cart is a lot more popular… she’s so flexible!
A new poll shows that 1 in 7 people believe the world is coming to an end in the near future.
- I thought the world came to an end when “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” was renewed for three more years.
George Lindsay who played the character of Goober Pyle, Gomer Pyle’s dim-witted auto-mechanic cousin on “The Andy Griffith Show” (among other shows) has died at the age of 83.
- In the old days, actors had to have real talent to “play dumb”. Today we just use Reality TV show stars.
- Goober is survived by his his wife of many years, Raisinet.
On this day in 1660, Isaack B. Furbine of Savoys patented macaroni.
- Despite it’s popularity, he died Penne-less.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
It’s Podcast Friday… Today, former Purtan’s Person Joe Noune sits down with Jackie and me for a “rectangular table” discussion about everything from bizarre car-color names to Osama bin Laden’s secret reason for wanting to make sure VEEP Joe Biden stayed alive. Throw into the mix a few (true!) Parakeet stories, how John Edwards life is getting “hairier” by the second, and our unfortunate decision to download (and actually use) the new “Ugly Meter” App during the Podcast - and you’ve got some interesting listening. I don’t mean to give anything away… but a certain maniacal dictator actually came out better looking than the rest of us. So pour a cup of joe (I recommend Colombian - they grow such great coffee and great hookers there!) and join us!
Listen to the Podcast by clicking here. (37:47)
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Believe it or not, a treasure hunter claims that he located the body of Osama bin Laden.
- He’s pinpointed it to “The Indian Ocean”.
President Obama admitted that the white, New York girlfriend he wrote about in “Dreams From My Father” is actually a “combination of mulitple girlfriends he compressed into one “composite girlfriend”.
- If he had dated all three of the Kardashian sisters and tried to “compress” them, the book would have been longer than his health care bill.
Researchers at the University of Oxford are developing a pill that recreates the feeling of being in love called “The Love Pill”.
- The only problem is, you take the pill and then have an insatiable urge to make out with the prescription bottle.
-The owner of eHarmony.com just committed suicide.
- There’s also one in development that recreates the feeling of “hating the stupid S.O.B.” - that’s “The Divorce Pill”.
Angeles passed a law requiring police to screen all adult firms to make sure the “actors” are using condoms.
- They’ve changed the police motto from “Protect and Serve” to “Serve and Use Protection”.
- Since the news broke, applications to become an LA cop have shot up 200%.
- Pee Wee Herman applauded the move. Well, he tried to applaud… it was hard with only one hand.