Teenagers: "In Your Face... Book!"

A nationwide survey of teenagers found that while 95% have Internet connections, about a third wish they could take a break from going online. 

- Of course it was an online survey, and everybody knows teenagers always tell the truth on the Internet! 

Meanwhile 36% of teenagers wish they could return to a time when there was no such thing as Facebook. 

The same 36% used their allowance money to buy shares in Facebook.  

- The first kid who posted that sentiment was immediately “unfriended” by everyone he knew.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1977, the Supreme Court ruled that Lawyers could advertise on TV. 

- Thus opening the door for Geoffrey Feiger’s ego to make it’s way into your living room.

BTW… Did anyone catch his commercial on “60 Minutes” last Sunday??? Unbelievable!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Thursday!

-Dick  

Feds In Charge Of Fence!

Monday, the Supreme Court struck down most of Arizona’s Immigration law, ruling that enforcing immigration laws is entirely the responsiblity of the Federal government. 

- But if the government moves all the TSA agents down to the Mexican border, who’s gonna give invasive pat-downs to all the old ladies getting on planes to go visit their grandkids? 

If You Want Dinner With The Prez, Prepare To Fork Over The Dough!

A Cornell law professor figured out that the winners of the “Dinner with Obama” fundraising raffle will owe $1600 in income taxes on the value of their prize. 

- Meanwhile the winner of the “Lunch with Biden” raffle will actually receive a hefty tax refund. 

Does Time Weigh Heavily On You???

A new survey found that the diet of a person trying to lose weight tends to break down as the day wears on. 

- Which is why, when I’m dieting, I always sleep until 7 pm. 

Tortoise Makes It To 100 By A Hare...

The last-of-its-kind, 100 year old Galapagos tortoise named “Lonesome George” died Sunday. 

- His relatives say in all those years, he never really came out of his shell. 

- Some say he was a real risk taker… who stuck his neck out one time too many. 

- Caretakers admitted that George was “feisty”… saying he snapped at his nurses right up until the end. 

NBC Tells Curry To Take A Powder!

NBC is reportedly paying “Today” show host Ann Curry $10 million to leave.

- Apparently Ann no longer curries favor with network execs.

- I think a lot of people would pay double that to get Kathy Lee Gifford to leave! 

- Her co-hosts haven’t commented, leaving a lot of people asking, “Where in the world is Matt Lauer?!”

"I'll Take 'Nitroglycerin' For $200, Doc..."

Doctors say that Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek will recover from his recent heart attack. 

- Maybe listening to the Jeopardy theme over and over finally took it’s toll.  

- So I guess Alex is not in “Final Jeopardy”. 

- His nurses were reportedly annoyed because he kept pushing the “Call Button” before his roommate had a chance. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1498 the toothbrush was invented in China. 

- I always thought the Toothbrush was invented by a Roman Emperor named “Gingivitis”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Stick A Fork In Him?

The Secret Service confiscated forks and knives at a luncheon before President Obama spoke to a national organization of Latinos. 

- Hey… you never know what people in the audience have up their sleeves. 

- When Clinton was in office they let people keep the knives and forks… but took the other cutlery to keep Bill from “spooning” with anyone.  

"The Gift That Keeps On Electing"

The Obama campaign is asking supporters who are getting married to ask guests to give money to his re-election campaign in lieu of a gift. 

- Think of it as registering at “Bed, Bath & Biden”. 

- This way the couples won’t get China… their friends will just send money that will end up there. 

- If only he’d asked Kim Kardashian to to this last year! 

Vending Machines Going To Pot!

The state of Connecticut now allows you to get your medical marijuana from a vending machine. 

- It also carries soft drinks and is known as a “Toke-A-Cola” machine. 

- When you get the munchies, the machine with the Doritos and Snickers is right next door!

The Scoop On Bird Poop...

A new study found that birds poop most often on red cars and least often on green cars. 

- A related study found that most birds are color blind.  

Honestly Abe??? A Vampire Hunter???

The movie “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is getting mixed reviews. 

- Though critics admit it’s way more exciting than “Millard Fillmore: Bird Watcher”.

- When I saw it, I thought it was a true story! 

- I loved the part where Lincoln drove a stake through a vampires heart while delivering the Gettysburg Address.  

William Receives In-Heir-i-tance!

Prince William received a large inheritance from his late mother, Princess Diana, for his 30th Birthday.  

- Now he won’t have to take out a second mortgage on the Castle!

- And he and Kate can finally put-in that moat they’ve always dreamed about. 

- Prince Harry has already hit William up for some beer money. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1977 Roy Sullivan was struck by lightening for the 7th time while on a fishing trip. 

- He thought he was fishing for trout, but he ended up hooking an electric eel. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #47: "Fast & Furious...(Without the Controversial Gun Running)"

Happy First Official Weekend of Summer! Today Jackie and I kick off the grilling season with a meaty discussion about everything under the sun… From “The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly” (my Father’s Day gifts, not the movie) to the latest fried food to sweep the “State Fair” circuit (can you say “Cholesterol-on-Stick?). Plus… I know the National Anthem is hard to sing, but do we really need a new one? According to a new poll, some Americans think so and we’ll tell you who they think should write it. Even more fun are the runners up! So grab a cold glass of lemonade, sit back, and join the conversation.  

Have a great weekend! 

Purtan Podcast #47

-Dick 

Holder? I Don't Even Know Her!

President Obama shocked Congress by citing executive privilege to keep them from seeing documents related to Attorney General Eric Holder and the “Fast & Furious” scandal. 

- Needless to say their response was fast and they were furious! 

Meanwhile, after GOP members voted to hold Holder in contempt of Congress, Democrats accused Congressional Republicans of subjecting the administration to a “witch hunt”. 

- Bill Clinton said, “You don’t need to hunt… I’ll tell you where Hillary is!”

Jill Biden Takes Secret Service On Panty Raid!

Vice President Joe Biden’s wife Jill was filmed taking the Secret Service along with her to do a little lingerie shopping. 

- The guys weren’t that helpful since they usually buy their lingerie in Colombia. 

- The Secret Service agents did seem to gravitate towards the “Bullet Bras”. 

- Barney Frank went along to pick out a few things for his wedding trouseau. 

Good News! Americans Aren't The Only Obese People In The World!

According to a new study, collectively, the world population is 17 million tons overweight. 

-So it looks like “The Biggest Loser” will be on the air for many many years to come. 

- “17 million tons… and what do you pat? Your ever-growing belly that’s rolling in fat.” (our apologies to Tennessee Ernie Ford)