Harrison Ford is reportedly interested in playing Han Solo again if a new Star Wars movie is made by Disney.
- But this time his light saber will only work if he takes Viagra.
- The movie poster will feature Harrison and Chewbacca in side by side bathtubs on a planet in a galaxy far, far away.
Jermaine Jackson has asked the courts to legally change the spelling of his last name to “Jacksun“…For no apparent reason.
And Cameron Diaz has announced that her favorite snack food is Fried Pork Rinds.
- Thankfully the election’s over so now we’re able to get back to the REAL news!
On this day in 1895 X-rays were discovered by German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen.
- He went on to discover X-ray vision thanks to the busty blond who lived next door.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with 3 Past-Election “Best Of” cuts!
-Dick
And so it goes. More than eight Billion dollars ($2 Billion on the Presidential election alone), and about eighty gazillion radio and tv ads later and we are right back where we started from. Same President. Same Republican led House. Same Democrat led Senate. Same Gridlock.
No matter how you are feeling this morning - Happy or Sad, Thrilled or Disappointed… Let’s just hope our elected officials can put all the negative “He’ll/She’ll do/say anything to get elected” stuff aside, roll up their sleeves, and actually try to work together and get something done.
Lines at many polling places yesterday were longer than any time in recent memory.
- In fact last time I waited in line that long was for a “Tickle Me Elmo” doll at Toys R Us.
One of the big topics on Twitter last night was whether or not ABC’s Diane Sawyer, co-anchor of their election coverage with George Stephanoplous, was drunk during the broadcast. Video’s of what some describe as odd behavior, slurred speech and unusual questions are all over the internet.
- If you had to sit next to George Stephanoplous all night long, you’d have to fortify yourself too…
- Maybe she was just trying to drink George pretty.
Here’s a sample of one of the videos…
You be the judge!
According to a new poll, 73 percent of Americans say they are stressed at work.
- Another poll finds that 100% of Amercians said if they never hear the results of another poll about anything, it will be too soon.
So now things go back to normal on our television screens. No more political commercials, just the ones so near and dear to our hearts — those for Geiko, Cialis and Bladder Control.
Have a great day!
-Dick
It’s Election Day…
No matter which candidate you’re rooting for, your probably a bit anxious. What follows are a list of suggested activites to keep your mind off the election (after you vote, of course) and get you through to the end without have an emotional meltdown.
1. Turn off the news and watch some mindless re-runs of “The Three Stooges”. Scratch that. Larry, Moe and Curly may remind you of politicians.
2. Head on over to Art Van &/or Gardner White. My gut tells me they just might be having one of the greatest sales in their history!
3. Put up your Christmas tree!
4. For the ladies… Get a bikini wax. I’ve heard nothing will make you relax like having a Russian woman put hot wax on you with a popsicle stick and say “One, two, three…RIP!”
5. For the men… Get your chest or back waxed. (Same result as above).
6. Rearrange your cupboards putting all soups and canned veggies in alphabetical order.
7. Heat up a can of Alphabet Soup and see if you can find the letters to spell out “Serenity Now”.
8. Post a another picture of a “cute” kitten on Facebook.
9. Try to find Dixville Notch on a map.
10. If you’re at work, treat yourself to an extra hour on “adult web sites”.
11. Send a “Thinking About You” card to Monica Conyers.
12. Have lunch at a sushi restaurant and tell the waiter that your meal is undercooked.
13. Clean the lint trap on your dryer, then use the lint to make a homemade sheep to put in the family nativity scene.
14. Watch a DVD of the Tigers winning the World Series…in 1984.
15. Head over to Costco and pick up a pallet of Maalox. Depending on how the election goes, you might need it.
Have a great day - and don’t forget to Vote! I’m Dick Purtan and I approved this message.
Some experts are predicting that between the damage and power outages and early allegations of voter fraud, we may not know the results of the Presidential election for days or even weeks.
- If I have to look at those people examining anymore hanging chads, I’ll hang Chad myself.
- I saw a commercial that said, “If you vote in an election that lasts more than 4 days…go directly to the hospital”.
*****
New Jersey residents, hard hit by Sandy, will be allowed to vote by email.
- You don’t really vote…you just go to your favorite candidate’s Facebook page and hit the “like” button.
- Then after you vote, you can send all your personal info to that guy in Nigeria who’s going to give you $17 million dollars!
*****
After being deluged with complaints, Mayor Bloomberg did an abrupt about face and cancelled Sunday’s scheduled NYC Marathon.
- To calm disgruntled runners, he handed out 32 ounce bottles of Gatorade.
*****
Saturday, hundreds of people with puppets converged on Washington DC to support PBS’s “Million Muppet March”.
- Notably absent were Bert and Ernie who were in San Francisco for the “Million Gay Puppet March”.
- To be honest, it was hard to tell the puppets from the campaign spokespeople.
- Kermit announced himself as a last minute Presidential candidate. He’s running for the “It’s Not Easy Being Green Party”.
- They didn’t reach the million mark because most puppets were too lazy and just laid around in their boxes all day.
*****
President Obama’s senior advisor David Axelrod said he could tell the president’s speech in Ohio was coming from “his loins”.
- So apparently it was written by Bill Clinton.
- People in attendance said the President’s speech wasn’t coming from his loins, it was coming from his teleprompter.
*****
Kwame Kilpatrick says “I’m done with Detroit”, and it turns out he has two friends who pay for all of his flights between Dallas and Detroit, and his hotel rooms.
- So Kwame definitely has “Friends with Benefits”.
*****
On this date in 1492 Christopher Columbus saw corn for the first time.
- Then he saw a naked picture of Pocahontas and he saw “porn” for the first time.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to vote!!!!!
-Dick
What a week… Hurricane Sandy certainly made for a scarier Halloween than usual! And with the Presidential election just days away, the winds (in this case political hot air) continue to blow. In my latest Podcast, I sit down with Jackie (as usual) and my wife, aka Jackie’s Mom, Gail (not-so usual!) for a look at both the big and little things of interest.
From the 108 year-old-woman in Florida who cast her very first Presidential ballot (I guess she voted early just to be on the safe side) to Lindsay Lohan’s incredibly “insightful” Tweets about the big storm, we bounce from topic to topic faster than Chris Christie on his way to a donut shop.
The usually microphone-phobic Gail and I re-count another hurricane from years ago that we not only lived thru (gratefully) but actually drove through (stupidly)!
And with this being the weekend to “Fall Back”… I’ll tell you about something I did with my alarm clock last weekend that had me more confused than Chaz Bono in a Unisex bathroom.
Plus, I’ll tell you how we spent our Halloween night with Frankenstein and his son while handing out my traditional Soup to the trick-or-treaters!)
So grab some leftover candy and settle in for a “Fun-Sized” Podcast!
Have a great, safe weekend!
-Dick
The New York Stock Exchange reopened yesterday after being closed for two days during Hurricane Sandy.
- In keeping with Halloween, the traders wore costumes! They all dressed up as money-grubbing guys in expensive suits! No wait…that’s how they dress everyday.
The National Retail Federation reports that this year, so much candy corn was sold for Halloween that if you laid all the pieces end-to-end, it would circle the moon 20 times.
- It would circle Chris Christie only 17 times.
- To think the US can repeatedly go around the moon with candy corn and North Korea can’t even get a nuclear missile to fly 50 feet!
A Florida woman just cast her first vote at age 108.
- Good for her! At least she didn’t wait to vote until she was dead like people do in Chicago!
- She said she’s hopeful her vote will help elect Herbert Hoover.
Disney has purchased Lucasfilm and is taking over the Star War’s franchise.
- In the next film, instead of a light saber, “Pinnochio Vader” will tell a lie and then fight with his nose.
- And instead of taking place in a galaxy far, far away…all the action will take place in A Small, Small World.
Actor Gene Hackman slapped a homeless man who called his wife a bad name outside a New Mexico restaurant.
- That name: Lindsay Lohan.
Clocks “fall back” this weekend.
- That means the networks will have to wait a whole extra hour to make incorrect exit poll predictions on election day.
On this day in 1896 the first women’s bare breast appeared in National Geographic magazine.
- And later today, another woman’s bare breast will appear onstage at a Madonna concert.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast!
-Dick
Happy Halloween… As always, I will be handing out my traditional Halloween treat to the little nippers: Soup! But this year I’ll be ladeling up two different kinds - Campbells Tomato and for those kids trying to keep their figures, Fat-Free Cream of Mushroom. Yum!
According to e-mails obtained by the Detroit News, Kwame Kilpatrick, who has always vowed to return to Michigan has no intention of ever moving back to Detroit, and actually considers himself “a Texan”.
- Five Words: Yippee-Ay-Oh-Ay-Eh!!!!!
- We should have known he was thinking of heading south permanently when duirng his “apology” press conference he said, “Y’ALL done set me up for a comeback”.
- All he needs to do is learn the Rodeo thing. He’s got the clown part down pat.
The Agriculture Department has cut it’s estimate of the amount of sugar the average American consumes each year by 20 pounds.
- Of course with today being Halloween, tomorrow morning they’ll be adding that 20 pounds back on.
Officials are reporting an increase in the number of people being hit by lightening while talking on cell phones.
- It explains Apple’s, “Want To Get Hit By Lightenting? There’s an App For That!”
Police in Florida arrested a man aftr they caught him having sex with a traffic sign.
- Apparently he doesn’t understand that a red stop light means “Stop!”
- The man claims his eyes aren’t very good and he thought the sign said, “Ped Sexing”.
Arnold Scharzenegger will reprise his role as Conan in a new movie.
- It’s tentaively titled: “Conan Knocks Up The Hired Help”.
On this day in in 1892 Arthur Conan Doyle published The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.
- People originally thought it was a book for grade school kids, since he kept saying, “It’s Elementary, My Dear Watson”.
And so… The Tigers lose the World Series - giving up four straight games to the Giants. Disappointing? Yes. But, being the “glass is half full” kind of guy that I am, I say we should still celebrate that we were actually in the World Series and are the American League Champions! And as my Grandson Charlie said to his mom this morning - “That’s still pretty good Mom. I mean we’re still the second best team in the world right?”.
Today is Internet Day…marking the anniversary of the first usage of the Internet to send a message electronically way back in 1969.
- The first message was “Watson, come here. I need you.” No wait… that was Alexander Graham Bell. Oops.
According to a new poll, only 36% of Americans have confidence in Vice President Joe Biden.
- But 90% think he’d made an excellent clown at their kids’ birthday party.
Researchers claim that laughter can be a form of exercise.
- I found the study so amusing I actually lost two pounds!
A 20-year-old Brazilian student has sold her virginity online to a Japanese man for $772,000.
- VISA will be changing their slogan to: “We’re Everywhere You Wanna Be…And No One Else Has Ever Been Before”.
- I guess it really does “Pay to Discover”!
Madonna got booed during a concert over the weekend when she told the audience to vote for Obama.
- She should learn to keep her political views to herself like Barbra Streisand.
- Turns out they weren’t booing her endorsement, they were booing the fact that her boob was hanging out again.
Lindsay Lohan’s publicist has reportedly quit.
- The position will be filled by Lindsay’s parole officer.
On this day in 1993 Luke and Laura returned to “General Hospital”.
- They left an hour later after finding out the hospital didn’t accept their insurance.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Want something to keep your mind off the Tigers 2nd loss to the Giants? You’ve come to the right place!
In today’s Podcast, Jackie and I touch on just about everything but baseball… from old movies (I actually sat through an Elvis flick ALL THE WAY THROUGH) to a rather unusual habit I have of Googling “certain things” while I’m watching TV (you’ll have to listen to find out!). From “Hollywood Squares” to “Young Frankenstein”, it’s all part of our verbal meander down entertainment memory lane.
We also bounce from Meredith Baxter Bernie to Hitler’s Bunker (even I can’t explain how that happened).
Then, in a flash-forward to the present, Jackie reveals the repercussions of accidentally texting your mom - when you think you’re texting your sisters. (Can you say “Fifty Shades of Humiliation”)?
And, ironically, since this all happens live and in one-take, Jackie gets a surprise text from her college boyfriend and we end up discussing the relationship between her ex-husband and her current boyfriend - (let’s hope at least one of them doesn’t listen to this Podcast!)
Finally, you’ll find out something I did recently that, apparently, is a clear “danger signal” that I’m really “retired”!
So put on your mental cleats and get ready for a run around the bases of Podcast #62!
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Podcast #62 (28:02)
Tigers will try to come back from last night’s 8-3 butt-kicking by the Giants in tonight’s Game Two of the World Series. 8pm our time!
Donald Trump’s big anti-Obama “October Surprise” was that he offered $5 million to charity if Obama will release his college transcipts and passport documents.
- Mitt Romney said he’ll donate $10 million to charity if Donald Trump will just disappear.
- Here’s an idea: Why doesn’t everybody in the country donate a buck to get Donald to take time off and think up a better publicity stunt than that one!