A survey by the digital gift company CashStar found that 16% of holiday shopping is done while sitting on the toilet.
- I know a guy who’s a real whiz at this.
- Thus the expression: “Shop ‘til You Plop!”
- Women really are better multi-taskers than men! They can shop and “hover” at the same time.
- I say anything purchased on the throne is an immediate candidate for “re-gifting”.
Just in time for the holidays, Pizza Hut in Canada released a limited edition pizza-scented perfume.
- Talk about a cheesy gift!
- You can purchase it on the internet while you’re sitting on the “eau du toilette”.
The final vote on banning public nudity in San Francisco was interrupted by a group of protesters who stripped naked at the Board of Supervisors’ meeting.
- And by the look of things, the citie’s budget isn’t the only thinking shrinking.
- The bottom line is: If you’re going to San Francisco, at the very least, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
Kate Middleton has been released from the London hospital where she was being treated for severe morning sickness.
- They knew she was feeling better when she said she was craving pickles and scones.
The IRS has seized Lindsay Lohan’s bank accounts and now Mel Gibson says he many help her out of her tax troubles.
- Apparently Lindsay Lohan decided to get a head start on “going over the fiscal cliff”.
On this day in 1922 a government message was broadcast on the radio for the first time.
- The message was: “Your taxes are going up”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! (#66)
-Dick
Kwame’s Dad and fellow defendant, Bernard Kilpatrick, called a Detroit liquor store 159 times to bet on the state lottery - calls that were intercepted by the FBI. Kwame’s dad was told he had lost…again…adding to his lottery ticket debt that eventually totalled $85,000.
- So there’s a bright side to his trial…he’s already used to losing.
An Australian Radio station successfully prank-called the hospital where Kate Middleton is being treated for morning sickness. One of their voice guys pretended to be Queen Elizabeth, and while a dog yapped in the background, the kindly nurse told the imposter-Queen that “Kate hasn’t had any wretching with me”.
- What kind of radio morning show would sink so low as to impersonate the Queen???
The “Queen of Soul” Aretha Franklin, suffered a “Wardrobe Malfunction” on the steps of the White House right before meeting President Obama. Apparently the top hook on her strapless pink dress came undone and her dress began to fall. She quickly put on her pink mink jacket, dashed into a nearby tent and fixed her dress.
- I say “Hats off” to Aretha for handling the situation!
President Obama was unaware of the trouble and later complimented Aretha on her pretty pink dress and actually gave her a little “ballerina twirl”.
- He got so dizzy from the twirl, he almost fell off the fiscal cliff!
Boy George is in hot water with a lot of Mexicans over a tweet he sent out about Mexico’s recent election. He tweeted “Mexico has a hot new president and I hope he is good for the country!”
The tweet was misquoted by the Mexican media - which translated it to read: “So the Mexican president is a tyrant. Well, if that’s true Mexico needs good wishes.”
- That’s just bad Karma…Cameleon.
- Boy George once tweeted that Obama is hot… but that Joe Biden looks like he got hit by an ugly stick.
A new survey revealed that 33% of Americans say they would buy a mortgage from WalMart…
- …Along with socks and a pair of stretch pants.
According to researchers, one out of three middle-schoolers use Smartphones to do their homework, and a Nebraska teenager robbed a bank and then bragged about it on her facebook page.
- Quick…Somebody get this girl a “Smartphone”!
On this day in 1967 the Beatles clothing store, Apple, opened in London.
- They should have sold computer and phones, that way they could have been rich!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The AARP is getting into the online dating business for people 50+. They’re partnering with HowAboutUs.com to give the older crowd a chance to meet that special someone.
- So now seniors can spend a romantic evening filling out their Medicare forms while sharing a chilled bottle of Ensure.
- The only problem is, all the over 50 men want younger women and are signing up for e-I’llBuyYouLotsOfJewelry.com.
*****
There are 17 days left until December 21st, which is the date the Mayan’s predicted would be “The End Of The World”.
- So I’m holding off on all my Christmas shopping just in case!
- My wedding anniversary happens to be on December 21st, and if I don’t remember to get my wife a card it will be the end of my world.
- Art Van and Gardner-White are already planning huge “End Of The World” Sales…but for some reason they’re demanding you pay the full amount upfront.
*****
Yahoo revealed that the most-searched-for person on the Internet in 2012 was Kim Kardashian.
- So the Mayans got it wrong. The day this news broke is the day the world officially ended.
- In a related story, the least-searched-for person on the Internet this year was Lindsay Lohan’s lifecoach.
*****
Pope Benedict XVI, is on Twitter.
- His first tweet was “OMG…I’m on twitter!”
- He may be old, but he’s got a lot of tricks up his sleeve…and even more in his hat.
- The Pope is also on Facebook and recently added “The Vatican City Red Lobster on Fridays, Pottery Stable, and Just for Pontiffs” to his “Likes” section.
- Luckily he doesn’t have to worry about his wife getting mad if he gets tweeted by women.
*****
It was announced Monday that Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton are having a baby.
- They’ve already registered at “Sceptors R Us”!
- Kate’s morning sickness is said to be so severe she’s spending more time in the throne room than Queen Elizabeth!
- Prince Harry was so excited he already ordered the baby a onesie with a swastika on it.
*****
TMZ reported that Lindsay Lohan drinks two liters of vodka a day.
- Let’s all congratulate her for cutting back from her usual 3 liters a day!
*****
On this day in 2006 a rare adult giant squid was caught on video near the Ogasawars Islands south of Tokyo.
- The story got a lot of ink.
***
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Great news! It looks like Monica Conyers maybe released from prison as early as December 10th! She’s been in the low-security West Virginia federal prison since September of 2010, but may be allowed to serve out the rest of her term in a half-way house.
- Her lawyer had her jaw wired shut so she couldn’t call any of the parole board members “Shrek”.
- A “Half-Way House” is where Monica will learn to ask for only “half” the bribe money she usually does.
Kwame’s former Sexting Partner Christine Beatty has filed for bankruptcy in Georgia, but promises to continue paying off the $100,000 in restitution she owes Detroit for lying under oath in the whistle-blower trial.
- In a gentlemanly gesture, Kwame has offered to loan Christine $6 a month to pay off her bill.
Hugh Hefner is re-engaged to Crystal Harris, the 26-year-old Playmate who left him at the altar once before.
- This never would have happened if Hef had any memory of ever having been dumped by her the first time.
- She’s registered at “Victoria Secret” and he’s registered at “Bed, Bath & The Great Beyond”.
For the third year in a row, AT&T has been named the worst cell phone carrier.
- The company had no comment…but that’s because when the guy who did the survey called, the connection dropped five times.
- Hey…at least they’re consistant!
Some cash-strapped churches are renting out their steeples as cell phone towers.
- Kids are now playing the hand game: “Look at the Church! Look at the Steeple! Open the doors, and see all the… Cell Phones!”
- The Churches are now known as iGod charging stations.
Studies show that erectile dysfunction drugs can cause amnesia.
- It’s true…men in the study said they no recollection whatsoever of that entire two minute period.
- Sounds like an explanation-in-the-making for guys who cheat on their spouses.
- The wives of the men in the survey said they don’t need a pill to realize the romantic romp with their husbands was “non-memorable”.