Denny’s opened a restaurant in Las Vegas that has a wedding chapel.
- It’s great for gay couples who want to have a “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Ceremony”.
- So now you’re guaranteed at least one “Grand Slam” on your wedding night!
On this day in 1621 Galileo invented the telescope.
- And the following day the woman who lived next door put up window blinds for the first time.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
So here we are smack dab in the middle of that magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What better time to take a few minutes to spend with a couple of fruitcakes (Me and Jackie) and our special guest, Dale Johnson. Before Dale became the producer-extradordianare of my 16-Hour Radiothon for the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club, he spent a few years as a “Mall Santa”. Today he shares a few of his favorite stories that include everything from a wet knee to the time his Santa-pants ended up around his ankles.
There’s also talk of the Pope’s new book that debunks some time-honored Christmas traditions…and we ponder what seems to be a new tradition: Everything on kids wish lists seems to be made by Apple! From a guy who used to wait anxiously for Lincoln Logs, that makes me kind of iMad!
Plus…we’ve got important information if you’re flying this holiday season (on a plane, not a sleigh). Turns out the TSA agents will be scanning a lot more than just you… (Hint: It gives a whole new meaning to “Pie in the Sky”).
Speaking of “invasive pat downs”… we’ll tell you about a new study out of Britain that determines whether or not there’s any such thing as “the perfect woman” and we’ll relay the sad story of a parrot who was killed by his owner’s boyfriend! Boy, you gotta wonder what the bird said to this guy!
So take a break from swearing at that strand of lights that just went out leaving a big blank spot on your tree and listen into some Holiday cheer (and a few jeers!) in Podcast #65.
Have a great weekend!
- Dick
Purtan Podcast #65: “It’s Beginning to Sound A Lot Like Christmas!” (34:38)
Obama and Romney are having lunch together today.
- Romney wouldn’t tell Obama exactly what he wanted for lunch, saying he’ll wait until he gets to the White House.
- Obama is charging Romney for lunch because he’s in the “Top 1%”.
*****
There were two winners in the $500-plus Million Powerball Lottery drawing. One person in Arizona and one in Missouri will split the big pot.
- NEWSFLASH: I didn’t win.
*****
The NFL fined Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh 30 grand for kicking Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in the groin.
- Schaub called it a “great settlement package”.
- Suh also got a speeding ticket this week…but wisely decided against kicking the cop in the groin.
*****
Richard Williamson, the Apple executive who oversaw development of their screwed up “map software” has been fired.
- They had a hell of a time finding him to give him his pink slip.
*****
A new study finds that female porn stars have highter self-esteem than other women.
- And much bigger breasts.
- The study also found that the female porn stars had low IQ’s but high STD’s.
*****
From the “Strange Story Department”… Allegedly Genetic testing has confirmed that the legendary Bigfoot is a human relative.
- No kidding! He used to be married to my sister!
- They were lucky enough to get a genetic sample off a pair of size 57 snow boots he tried on at Target.
*****
During the Soul Train Awards Jamie Foxx gave thanks to the “Lord and Savior” Barack Obama.
- To show his thanks, after the show, Obama took Foxx out for a last, I mean, late supper.
- Now I understand the meaning of the term “Crazy Like a Foxx”.
*****
According to Consumer Reports, about one-fifth of the U.S. pork they tested contained a growth hormone.
- An industry spokesman says they just use the drug to help pigs who have torn hamstrings.
- Looks like the “Little Piggy who went to market” was picking up more than slop!
*****
On the Today Show, Willie Nelson told Matt Lauer he hasn’t seen any harmful effects of smoking marijuana.
- He then thanked Katie Couric for taking the time to interview him.
*****
On this day in 1922 two archeologists discovered the tomb of King Tut.
- It wasn’t until years later that Steve Martin revealed that Tut had been born in Arizona and moved to Babalonia.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with an all new Podcast Friday!
- Dick
The Powerball lottery jackpot may top a record $500 million because so many people are buying tickets, figuring the more they buy, the greater their chances of winning.
- With the new incoming taxes headed our way, the winner will get a lump sump payout of 27 bucks.
China’s state newspaper republished an article from “The Onion” declaring Kim Jong-Un, leader of North Korea, the “Sexiest Man Alive”. They were embarrassed when they found out “The Onion” is, of course, a satirical paper.
- It’s apparent he got his good looks from his dad, Kim Jong-Ill.
- Call me crazy, but I think most women find Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the sexiest man alive!
Next year a Chinese company plans to build the world’s tallest skyscraper in just 90 days.
- It will be done so fast because instead of union workers, they’re going to hire 12 year old gymnasts to leap up and finish the higher floors.
- And an hour after this one is finished, they’re gonna want to build another one!
- The skyscraper will actually consist of two buildings: Column A and Column B.
- The lobby will have a giant fountain filled with “Chef’s Special Sauce!”
Playboy is celebrating 50 years of “The Playboy Interview”.
- And in that 50 years, not one man has ever read one of them.
A Belgian man is divorcing his wife of 19 years after discovering that she used to be a man.
- Apparently in Belgium they always have their “romantic romps” with the lights OFF.
- This explains why his wife was able to open beer cans with her teeth and always left the toilet seat up.
TMZ.com denied a report that they were planning on buying a drone aircraft to spy on celebs like Lindsay Lohan and Ashton Kutcher.
- You don’t need a drone to find Lindsay Lohan! Just look for the flashing police lights!
- If they’re going to use a drone to spy on a celeb my vote goes to Kate Middleton.
On this day in 1948 the first Polaroid camera went on sale in Boston.
- Please stay tuned to this developing story…
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Negotiations to avert the “fiscal cliff” broke down Monday because Obama insisted on raising taxes and the Republicans refused.
- Boy I didn’t see that one coming.
In a new survey, Americans have chosen Groucho Marx as their all-time favorite facial-hair icon, which is interesting since for most of his career, his trademark mustache was just drawn on with black grease paint.
- Rosie O’Donnell is mad because she came in second and her mustache is REAL!
- So now I hear all I had to do was paint it on???
President Obama says that despite troubles in the job market, business is booming and the economy is in good shape.
- Right…and Michael Moore was just voted the “Sexiest Man Alive”.
- Millions of unemployed Americans heard the “good news” while they were at home searching for a job on the web.
According to a study, 99% of Americans have sex by the age of 44.
- For once people are actually glad they’re NOT part of “The 1%”.
- In another study, the AARP says that Over 44% of Americans have sex by age 99.
The Pope has written a book about the early life of Jesus that debunks a lot of Christmas traditions, including that there’s no evidence in the Gospels that cattle gathered around him or that angels sang.
- He says there is evidence, however, that Mary and Joseph re-gifted a fruitcake they got from one of the Wise Men.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just filed to run for re-election.
- Well he’s not really going to run so much as he’ll walk slowly, shaking hands and kissing babies on his way to the donut shop.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly written Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help with her IRS problems.
- Apparently Charlie’s been smoking the same stuff Lindsay has.
On this day in 2009 Tiger Woods crashed his car at 2:30 in the morning after what soon unfolded as a marital quarrel over his “sexual transgressions”.
- And to this day, nobody can look at Tiger’s putter without remembering where they were when they heard the news.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Today is “Cyber Monday”…the day when retailers offer special deals to online shoppers.
- It gives people battered and bruised from fighting over a pair of tennis shoes at the Mall on Black Friday, a chance to continue shopping while laying on the couch with an ice pack.
Experts say Americans spent $11.2 Billion on “Black Friday”.
- And that was just Congress.
Because so many people showed up for early sales on Thanksgiving night, retailers are expected to move the start of “Black Friday” back even earlier next year.
- Christmas sales will start on Labor Day, which will now be officially known as “Black Monday”.
- Most people lied about going “shopping”…they just left dinner early to get away from their relatives.
This week, Congress will get back to work trying to keep the country from going off the “Fiscal Cliff”.
- The first thing they’ll do is approve money to buy themselves parachutes just in case they don’t get things worked out.
Police say that in California, more drivers are “high” than they are drunk.
- With the except of one “L. Lohan”.
- The “high” drivers are super mellow which explains all of the slow-speed chases…
Prince Charles says in an an interview that he’s “running out of time” to become King.
- So he fired his mother’s food taster.
- “It’s good to be the King!”
A German man claims that his girlfriend tried to smother him to death with her giant breasts.
- Well he didn’t so much “claim” it as he did “brag” about it.
- If she’s aquitted the first time, they can’t go after her again since “Double D Jeopardy” would apply.
- The prosecutor is trolling Plastic Surgeon’s offices looking for a “jury of her peers”.
On this day in 1716 The first Lion to be brought from Africa to America was exhibited in Boston.
- The following Sunday the Lion went to Chicago where it lost to the Bears.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick