“Get Me To The Abbey On Time!”
Prince William and his fiancé Kate Middleton have set a date! The two will wed on Friday, April 29th , 2011 at Westminster Abbey… the 1000 year old church where current Queen Elizabeth married her husband Prince Phillip.
- One thousand years ago - or so it seems!
Amazingly, the family of the bride will pick up the tab for the wedding (just like I did more times than I care to remember) which could cost in the millions – with the exception of security. The Royal Family will handle that at an estimated cost of $20 million plus.
- Kate hasn’t decided on a dress yet, but rumor has it that her future mother-on-law Camilla has picked out an elegeant, but understated saddle.
Flying The REALLY Friendly Skies…
People are coming up with bright ideas to help passengers too embarrassed to undergo an airline body scan. One scientist suggests using software that distorts the image like a funhouse mirror. The TSA could still see any hidden weapons, but the nude body would be so grotesquely distorted that nobody could recognize whose body it was.
- So basically everybody’s scan would come out looking like a cross between Kirstie Alley and Calista Flockhart.
- Speaking of carnival-type stuff… the TSA should hire carnies as screeners. It wouldn’t feel nearly as invasive to be groped by a guy with really small hands.
But Wait… There’s More!
Another idea comes from Las Vegas entrepreneur Jeff Buske, who’s invented a line of underwear with a fig leaf design over the crotch. The fig leaf is lined with powdered metal to be flexible and thin enough not to set off metal detectors, but would prevent scanners from seeing your private parts.
- The idea actually came from Adam and Eve who donned fig leaves before hopping a flight from the Garden of Eden to Las Vegas.
Gloria All-Red!!!
In a recent, feminist attorney Gloria Allred defended the TSA’s body scans and intimate patdowns. When asked if they’d touched her body parts, and Allred replied, “Yeah, they did, and it was the first time anybody touched them in a long time, and frankly, I liked it.”
- No wonder she’s so angry all the time!
- Gloria ended up having to go through security two times because after the first time she had to go outside the airport to have a cigarette.
OMG! A VW!
To mark her final season in syndication, Oprah Winfrey expanded her “Oprah’s Favorite Things” show to two days. Delirious audience members received a boggling array of gifts including a custom tin of cheese and caramel popcorn, $500 gift cards for Nordstrom’s lingerie, $1900 designer earrings, and a free 2011 VW Beetle as soon as they roll off the line. But Oprah said, “It’s not about the stuff… it’s about hope, and knowing that something magical and joyful can happen to you when you least expect it.
- No Oprah, it’s about the stuff!!!
- For Gloria Allred, that “magical and joyful” moment came at the airport.
Taking The Gobble Out of the Hob Nobble!
There’s a new list out of 10 ways to cut your Thanksgiving dinner by up to 3500 calories, or enough to keep you from gaining one pound. They include: fill up on clear veggie soup before the meal… don’t eat the turkey skin or the pie crust… replace the mashed potatos and sweet potato casserole with a plain baked potato sans butter or sour cream… use fat free gravy… use a tablespoon to serve instead of a ladle… and instead of a nap after the meal, take a 30-minute walk.
- Excuse me, but isn’t “Fat Free Gravy” an oxymoron?
- Who ever came up with this idea is a real turkey.
- Or you can do what I do and serve Salmon… although I’ll admit they’re not easy to stuff - particularly through the back end!
A Little Off Kilt-Er
A long-standing question has finally been answered: The Scottish Tartans Authority, a group dedicated to upholding Scottish traditions, has ruled that Scotsmen should wear underwear under their kilts. They say that to “go commando” in a kilt is childish, unhygienic and flies in the face of decency and common sense.
- So now, “The Wind May Always Be At Your Back”… but with underpants on, you won’t notice it as much.
- You mean to tell me that Prince Charles hasn’t been wearing underwear when he’s visiting Scotland? Yuck!
Have a great day! Since I want to be a WARM co-Grand Marshall of the Thanksgiving Day Parade, I’m headed out to buy my foot and hand warmers! See ya tomorrow!
-Dick