Will He Leak?
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be hiding near London, where authorities plan to arrest him soon on rape charges from Sweden. But he is threatening to blackmail the entire world if any moves are made against him and his website. He claims to have let thousands of people worldwide download an encrypted “poison pill” file that can only be opened with a password he will release if arrested. The file reportedly contains all sorts of damaging secret info… including private corporate files of companies such as BP and Bank of America.
- Assange also claims to have X-Ray vision and can use his Super-Secret Decoder ring while changing clothes in a phone booth.
- This guy is also threatening to release the most dangerous secret of all: the recipe for his mom’s fruitcake.
- Obviously, he’s been watching too many “Spy-Fi” movies.
- He’s just like James Bond… except he’s “shaken… and disturbed”.
Congress Puts Their Hand In The Cookie Jar… Again
President Obama is set to sign a new childhood nutrition bill promoted by his wife Michelle and passed by Congress, but it’s turned controversial. It’s written so broadly, critics say it could give the feds the power to ban school bake sales. The reason? Kids who grow up obese can’t join the military, so the government should have the power to regulate cupcakes as a national security issue.
- Why don’t they just go with a “Don’t Bake, Don’t Tell” policy?
- This isn’t the first time in history this has happened. Don’t forget, “Custer’s Last Lemonade Stand”!
Con-Gay Twitty?
Police in Florida report that two “good old boys” hangin out in one of the guys’ trailers began arguing over whether the late country superstar Conway Twitty, was gay. What started as pushing and shoving turned into a full blown fist fight with one of the guys ending up in the slammer. For the record, Twitty was married three times, and all of his partners were women.
- These guys should have been playing, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
- What they really should have been arguing about was why the singer changed his name to “Conway Twitty” from his real name, “Harold Jenkins”.
“Me And Julio (and a Health Van) Down By The Schoolyard”
Singer Paul Simon will join Michigan’s Sen. Debbie Stabenow for the launch of the Children’s Health Project of Detroit. The effort includes a mobile medical clinic to provide health services to children at schools and other locations. Services will include primary care, physicals, immunizations, vision and dental checks. Simon has long been involved in helping provide health services to kids in need.
- When they first met, Simon reportedly said, “I can call you Debbie… and Debbie you can call… me… Al!”
He Looks Good Enough To Eat!
Saturday was National Cookie Day, and in honor of that, Dunkin Donuts surveyed customers and discovered that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality by the way they eat gingerbread men. Nearly two-thirds eat the head first, which the director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago says indicates that they are achievement-oriented and won’t take no for an answer. He said skeptics usually eat the right hand first, creative people eat the left arm, and sensitive people eat the legs.
- Big Al eats the whole thing in one bite and washes it down with a diet coke!
- IN A RELATED STORY… The Gingerbread man lost his Gingerbread house in the sub-prime mortgage crisis and was forced to move in with his girlfriend, Lorna Doone.
- Critics blasted all people who “dunk” him in a glass of milk… accusing them of waterboarding the Gingerbread man.
- I have no opinion on the issue as I’m a Snickerdoodle man myself.
Woman Gets Frosty Reception From Police
Police in Cheatham, England got an emergency call from a woman reporting a theft. She said she hadn’t been out to check on him for five hours, but when she did, he was gone. When cops asked who “he” was, she replied, “my snowman”.
- The same thing happens to me with my front yard snowman every spring.
- Police described the woman as hysterical, saying she had, “a complete meltdown”.
Today’s Almanac
On this day in 1923, Calvin Coolidge gave the first presidential address broadcast on radio.
- After his speech, he announced that the tenth caller would win a pair of tickets to the “Al Jolson Christmas Spectacular”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!
- Dick