A Quinnipiac Poll released today shows Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in a statistical dead heat...and that voters don't believe that either of them would make a good President. 

- I still believe we should bring back Mr. Belvedere, the President of the Belvedere Construction Company, because as he always said, "We Do Good Work!" 

*****

74 year old Paul Simon says he's done making music, has no use for Show Biz, and admits that he now needs up to 15 hours of sleep a day. 

- And even with 15 hours worth of "Bed Head" his hair still looks better than Art Garfunkel's. 

- Simon says he might release 3 final singles... "Nursing-Homeward Bound", "The Sound of Silence When I Forget My Hearing Aids", and "I Am A Rock...With Kidney Stones". 

*****

Mike Huckabee's campaign has been forced to pay a $25,000 fine for their unauthorized use of "Eye of the Tiger."

- And Hillary was fined for using "Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac.

- And Donald Trump has to pay Pink Floyd a million bucks for using the entire album "The Wall". 

*****

A Seattle man was arrested for scanning his penis at a self-checkout kiosk. 

- He should have just gone through the "10 Inches or Less" line. 

- He got a bar code off a sticker on a bunch of bananas. 

*****

A new Zika vaccine has proven to be 100% effective in mice. 

- When the news broke, tens of thousands of mice booked flights to Rio for the Olympics. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner has denied reports that she'll undergo "Foot Reduction" surgery on her size 13 feet to shorten her toes and allow her to wear more ladylike high heels. 

- Caitlyn knows from her years as a Male athlete that sometimes you have to put up with The Agony of Da Feet.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick