Hawaiian residents and tourists spen 38 minutes in terror after an emergency Tweet was accidentally sent out saying that the Islands were about to be hit by a nuclear missile. 

- Most people found out about it on their phones, but Gilligan and the Skipper didn't know until they heard the news bulletin on the radio the Professor made out of a coconut. 

*****

The Hawaiian government employee who accidentally sent the impending doom tweet has been "reassigned". 

- So now, if you want to get shocked by an alert on your phone you'll have to follow President Trump on Twitter. 

*****

Kim Jong Un's BFF Dennis Rodman was arrested for drunk driving in California Saturday night. 

- The two of them were thousands of miles apart, but both spent their weekends talking about getting bombed. 

*****

A prankster projected the word "S---hole" onto Prez. Trumps Washington, D.C. hotel Saturday night to protest Trump's using the word to describe Haiti. 

- What was Trump thinking? This would have been the perfect time to use "Covfefe". 

*****

Hooters is now offering home delivery of their Chicken Wings. 

- For no extra charge, each order comes with two breasts. 

*****

According to new research, most women want to look like they're 37. 

- And if you don't believe 'em, just take a look at the "current" profile pictures of 50-year-old women on Match.com. 

*****

Today, of course, is Martin Luther King Jr. Day!  I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick