In the Free Press Today... 

In other news...

Trump accuser and porn star Stormy Daniels has postponed tonight's appearance at a strip club in Detroit due to a bad case of "Strep Throat". 

- On a bright note, Strep Throat is the least contagious thing Stormy has had in the last 10 years. 

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Elon Musk announced that his first human-carrying rocket ships to Mars will begin operation early next year, but that chances are, "passenger's will die". 

- With a sales pitch like that, he's gonna save a ton of dough on advertising. 

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Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he's planning on investing his money in space travel. "Amazon Rockets" will begin arriving in space in 2020. 

- Or 2019 if they have Prime. 

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Stephen Colbert lost a beer chugging contest to New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on TV Monday night.

- Colbert took 3.5 seconds to drink his beer... which is the longest he's ever gone without telling a Trump joke. 

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A new study found that, instead of waiting for the traditional "Midlife Crisis",  more than 50% of Millennials between the ages of 25 and 35 are going through "A Quarter-Life Crisis". 

- The "Quarter" comes from between the cushions of the couch they're sleeping on in their parents basement.

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Richard Simmons, who sued the National Enquirer for claiming that he was "transitioning to womanhood", has been ordered to pay the paper $130,000 since a judge ruled the story "wasn't necessarily negative". 

- Tell that to Mrs. Simmons! No wait...

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RIP Stephen Hawking.... the brilliant physicist and author of "A Brief History Of Time" who has died at the age of 76. 

- Not to say I ain't smart, but I had a much easier time reading Marcel Marceau's book, "A Brief History of Mime". 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick