Oregon decriminalized street drugs worth less that $100 on Monday including heroin, cocaine, meth, LSD, oxy and ecstasy.
- For Charlie Sheen this is like Mardi Gras, St. Patricks Day and Christmas Morning all rolled into one.
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Yesterday, Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of Winter.
- The good news is… we’re now down to just 5 weeks and 6 days!
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President Biden's Climate czar, John Kerry, took a PRIVATE JET to Iceland in 2019 to receive the Arctic Circle Award for CLIMATE LEADERSHIP.
- People today are wimps. When the VIKINGS got THEIR awards for winning battles, they didn’t take a plane… They took a BOAT! Sure they may have KILLED a few PEOPLE… but they CARED about the ENVIRONMENT!
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Swedish Furniture Giant Ikea has reportedly purchased 11,000 acres of forest in the state of Georgia.
- So now, instead of just putting the wooden furniture together… they’re gonna make you plant the tree used to make it.
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A study by Researchers at the University of Cambridge reveals that LSD actively changes the way the brain processes information, freeing it from the boundaries set by nature.
- If you don’t believe this… check out pictures of the crowds at Woodstock in 1969.
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For the second year in a row, the Pandemic has caused Spain’s famous “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona to be cancelled.
- So now if you want to see a bunch of drunk, grown men run through the streets screaming, you’ll have to go to an Antifa Rally in Portland, Oregon.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
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Celebrities are spending hundreds of dollars for designer clothes that look like they are “bursting at the seems”.
- You can achieve the same look AND save a ton of money by putting on a pair of pants that don’t fit you anymore because you’ve been eating so much during the Lockdown.
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President Biden said he intends to keep his family and his administration separate as reports surrounding the business dealings of his son and brothers have raised questions of potential impropriety.
- Luckily, Hunter Biden already got a Summer Internship lined up with Xi Jinping in China.
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Every single state in the US -- including Hawaii -- will reach below freezing temperatures next Monday morning.
- How cold is it going to be? It’s gonna be so cold even Bernie Sanders Mittens will be wearing gloves.
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Wikipedia announced a new “Universal Code of Conduct” The code designed to “Prevent the abuse of power and influence to intimidate others, and the deliberate introduction of false or inaccurate content”.
- Wait… isn’t getting “Inaccurate content” the WHOLE POINT of Wikipedia??
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Elon Musk says he’s implanted wires in a Monkey’s brain to see if he can teach it to play video games.
- Read all about it in the new book, “Curious George Goes to GameStop”.
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An Ohio salt truck driver is accused of trying to run over police, then leading them on a car chase while dumping salt on their squad cars to keep them from chasing him.
- Why didn’t they just douse the Salt guy with Pepper Spray?
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Prince Harry on Monday reached a settlement with the British tabloid “The Mail” for claiming he snubbed the Royal Marines after stepping down as a senior royal - and accepted an apology and financial damages.
- Actually, Harry accepted the apology… MEGHAN accepted the money.
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The Mayor of Amsterdam is threatening to ban foreign tourists from visiting the city’s Cannabis Cafes.
- They’ll just have to find another Joint to get stoned in.
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Kraft is releasing a new pink macaroni and cheese for Valentine's day.
- It’s perfect if your wife is the kind you likes Cheesy, Mushy Valentines.
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Netflix has reportedly bought the rights to make a movie about the GameStop stock story.
- Since it involves "Short Selling”… Tom Cruise has been cast in the lead role.
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In a new interview, Angelina Jolie shares what she's learned from quarantining with her kids.
- It’s basically the same thing we’ve all learned… It’s time to open the schools.
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The CDC is suggesting that no one clap or cheer during the Super Bowl - but to stomp your feet and use your hands instead.
- I’ve got an idea for a hand gesture…
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First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, sent the Obamas a hamper of vegetables picked from the White House Kitchen Garden, which was planted by the then First Lady Michelle Obama in 2009.
- Apparetly the Biden’s don’t like Kale either.
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The San Francisco United School District is changing the name of its Visual and Performing Arts department, known as VAPA because they say “Acronyms are a symptom of White Supremecy Culture”.
- Here’s an Acronym for ‘em… FUBAR!
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Speaking of San Fran… the SF School Board is considering doing away with grand and standardized testing requirements for admission… and may use a random lottery system to accept which kids get into the elite high school.
- And you thought it was hard to get kids to do their homework now…
- We’re raising a bunch of people who are going to say, “I don’t need to study… I’m gonna win the LOTTERY!!!”
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Amsterdam officials are considering moving it’s famous Red Light District because American tourists tend to “take pictures” of the working girls… but don’t actually purchase their services.
- Well you know the old expression, “A Picture Says a Thousand Words… And It Doesn’t Require Antibiotics”.
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The company that owns the Empire State Building announced that for the first time in it’s history, the historic skyscraper is being run completely on Solar Wind Power.
- There making a movie about it called “An Af-Air to Remember”.
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TUESDAY:
A Texas police chief has resigned after it was revealed he was leading a “Triple Life”… with a Wife, a Fiancé and at least Seven Girlfriends - all of whom have abandoned him.
- On a bright note… that’s 9 Valentine’s Day gifts he doesn’t have to buy.
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UPDATE: The British Man who’s “Chasity Cage” was locked in position by Hackers demanding money - was forced to use bolt cutters to “Free his Manhood” and injured himself in the process.
- There’s even a movie coming out about it… “Free Willy 2”
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Experts now say it’s possible to test positive for COVID even AFTER getting the Vaccine.
- But the jokes on them since most of us can’t even GET the vaccine in the first place. I’m on more “Waitlists” than Prince Andrew during Prom Season.
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White House officials are arguing over whether to call Myanmar’s military takeover a “Coup” over fears they will “anger China”.
- And if China gets mad… they may withhold the money Hunter Biden needs to pay for Spring Break.
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A new study conducted by Ohio State University finds Tattoo Artists are vulnerable to chronic injury because they spend long hours in body-crippling positions without ergonomic seating support.
- Am I the only one who brings a comfortable seat cushion for their Tattoo guy every time I get some new Ink??
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China says it will continue to use “Butt Swabs” to test for coronavirus because “The results are more reliable”.
- They may be Communists, but they’ll bend over backwards to keep their people safe.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick