"Tag... You're in Deep - - it!"

Some parents in California complained that their six-year-old son was accused of sexual assault by officials at Lupine Hills Elementary School because he allegedly brushed his best friend’s leg or groin while playing tag during recess.  He was held in the principals office for two hours before he “confessed”, was then suspended and a sexual bettery charge was put on his permanent record.  But it was removed after his parents hired a lawyer who pointed out that a six-year-old can’t be charged with sexual assault in California.  

- The Principal also accused several kindergarteners on the playground of being “Swingers”.

- They’ve also banned “Hopscotch” because they believe it will lead to alcohol abuse.

Are You Ready To Miss A Funeral For Some Football?!

According to a Harris Poll of over 2600 US adults, football is now by far the most popular sport in America, and with 37% of the vote, the Super Bowl is the best major sporting event.  21% of those surveyed said they’d miss an important work responsibility to watch the Super Bowl, 21% would skip a close friends wedding, 19% would miss the funeral of a loved one and 15% said they would miss the birth of their own child to watch the big game. 

- Of course those were all women who said they’d even watch re-runs of “Hee Haw” if it got them out of going through labor. 

- My question is this… What kind of “close friend” would schedule their wedding for Super Bowl Sunday???

Ironically, 33% of respondents said they’ll watch the game primarily to see all the new commercials. 

- 19% of US citizens would skip their Grandma’s funeral to see what that crazy Geiko pig is up to.  (including Grandpa). 

- Why not combine the two… put a big screen tv behind the casket and serve your special “Six Feet-Under-Seven-Layer-Bean-Dip”! 

Oh Baby!

A year ago, an Iowa woman gave birth to a 12 pound baby boy.  This weekend, she gave birth to her second son… this one weighing in at 13 pounds.  Both were delivered naturally, the most recent one in just six hours, and she didn’t have an epidural for either delivery.  

- Lucky she didn’t wait ‘til Super Bowl Day… it would have been a 14 pounder by then! 

NEWSFLASH: Boobs, Sex, & "Natural Gas" Funny 3500 Years Ago

Scholars from the University of Leipzig and Hebrew University of Jerusalem have translated a tablet carved in ancient Mesopotamia around the time of Exodus in an area in present-day Iraq. It shows what everyday people were thinking and talking about 3,500 years ago. It’s a series of crude jokes and riddles about beer, politicians, deflowering virgins and something about sex with “your mother”, although parts of that punchline are missing.

- The tablet was actually a page from the worlds oldest sit-com… “Two And A Half Cavemen”.

- One of the jokes started out, “How many blonds does it take to change a piece of wood with a flame on the end of it?”

- Of course there were no knock-knock jokes because doors hadn’t been invented yet. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1969, the Beatles performed together for the last time, playing on the roof of Apple Records in London for the film, “Let It Be.” Cops stopped them after they got complaints about the noise.  

- And yet the NFL and stadium police had no problem letting Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #27: A Bunch About Brady... Not Marcia, Tom!

Welcome to a snowy Friday! Why not put on your Snuggi (hey, it’s Casual Friday!) and listen to my latest Podcast? Today we welcome back Tom DeLisle, a former writer/performer on my radio show back in the 60’s, 70’, and 80’s.  He also spent a lot of time in Hollywood writing monologues for the Tonight Show and other TV sit-coms.  

Tom took a seat at my dining room table for a discussion including France’s announced plans to build “Napoleanland” (it’s the perfect vacation-destination for familes who enjoy sharing a good guillotining!) Also… we reveal our favorites to win the Superbowl and share a fascinating story about former UofMer and New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady that you may not have heard.   

Plus an update on my newest Grandson Brayden Alexander Johnson! His aunt (my daughter Jennifer) swears that he has my father’s ears. I don’t see it, but take a look at the pictures below and decide for yourself!

All that and a whole bunch of other stuff, that to be honest, I can’t remember! 

Enjoy! 

Purtan Podcast #27 (41:41)

-Dick 

Izzy Happy? You Bet!!!

Congrats to MSU’s Tom Izzo - “The Wizard of Iz” - on his 400th Win! 

Newt Wants To Go To The Moon; Thought Of Idea While Eating "Moon Pie"!

Newt Gingrich has big plans if he becomes Prez! Among them… he wants to establish “Moon Colonies” by 2020. He made the announcement to a group of space agency employees at NASA a couple days ago. 

- I vote for the very first resident to be… Newt Gingrich! 

- Ron Paul said, big deal! I’ve had a time-share on Mars for years! 

Meanwhile, while Newt’s co-front runner Mitt Romney has huge amounts of cash to spend, the other GOP contenders are trying to raise money by selling items on their websites. Rick Santorum is selling sweater vests for $100. But wait! There’s more! Two 12” inch plastic Ron Paul Action Figures are available. The “Commander in Chief” model comes in an oversized business suit holding a copy of the Constitution. And the Superhero model is Ron Paul in a Superman-style spandex costume. A rep says that one isn’t selling so well.  

- I still have my collection of Bill Clinton action figures… including the “Commander-In-Briefs” model. 

- Instead of an action figure, Newt is selling the “Gingrich Bobble-Belly.” 

- The Mitt Romney action figure is actually Mitt’s head on a big pile of money. 

Nostril-Damus Predicted This!

The Detroit Medical Center recommends treating nosebleeds with… wait for it… Pork Tampons.  That’s right. Researchers say there was a long tradition of using cured pork to stop bleeding, but it fell into disfavor over fears of bacteria and parasites.  But they say they recently treated a girl with rare, life-threatening bleeding, by packing her nasal vaults with “cured salted pork crafted as a nasal tampon.” They say it stopped the nasal hemorrhage promptly, effectively and without recurrence.

- And now the girl can swim and go horseback riding too!

- Pork: The Other Tampon. 

- Actor Karl Malden used to use this method to stop nosebleeds. Of course he had to shove a whole Pork Tenderloin up each nostril…

Mapmaker Suffers Emotional Meltdown...

Remember when we were told that 115,830 square miles of ice covering Greenland (an area the size the the UK and Ireland combined) was melting because of Global Warming? Fahgedabout it! The Scotland-based Times Comprehensive Atlas of the World, called the most authoritative atlas on Earth, now admits that the map it made was wrong. Turns out the dramatic meltdown they drew, didn’t match satellite photos. The Atlas is now offering replacement maps showing Greenland with all it’s ice back. 

- This is why I always get my maps from Triple A! 

- Now the only thing melting is Al Gore. 

- The term “Global Warming” has now been changed to “Bad Map Making”. 

Project Runway's Tim Gunn Shoots Mouth Off...

“Project Runway” star and fashion expert Tim Gunn revealed that after an “intense” relationship with his former partner broke up, he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. No worries, though.  Tim says he’s fine with that.

- After 29 years of celebacy, he will now go by the name “Loaded Gun”. 

- There’s gotta be somebody out there willing to give him a hand! 

Paris Jackson: Boys "Thrill-Her"!

Michael Jackson’s 13-year old daughter reportedly has quite the case of puppy love. She’s suffering from a serious crush on an unidentified guy, she’s even begun writing poetry including lines like, “My love burns for you like a dying phoenix”. Who is she turning to for advice on matters of the heart?  Her Aunt, Janet Jackson.  

- Which means Paris will be the first 13-year-old in history to have a major wardrobe malfunction. 

- I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… Just like her Dad, Paris likes young boys! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1875, George F. Green patented the electric dental drill. 

- Which rendered the Phillips screw driver virtually obsolete in the dental industry. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brank spankin’ new Podcast! 

-Dick

"The State Of The Snoozin'?"

Last night, President Obama delivered his third “State of the Union” Address… and as expected, reaction was mixed.

- I’m not talking about the speech, I’m talking about Nancy Pelosi’s new hair-do.

- Unlike the speech, her “doo”was short. 

- When I got bored with the speech, I’d just look back at Joe Biden to see if he was still awake!  

Kardashian Krisis: Who's Your Daddy?

Rumors continue to fly that Khloe, the most “statuesque” of the three Kardashian sisters is not the biological daughter of now deceased O.J. defense attorney Robert Kardashian.  Although the family vehemently denies it, some tabloids are now saying Khloe’s “DNA Daddy” is none other than her mom, Kris Jenner’s, hairdresser, Alex Roldan. The two do bear some physical resemblance. BTW… it’s also been rumored that O.J. actually fathered Khloe. 

- Which is obviously not true since her mother is still alive! 

- O.J. immediately filed an appeal to be released from prison so he can spend the rest of his life hunting down Khloe’s REAL biological father (or fathers). 

- “The Juice” is rumored to be writing a book about his relationship with Khloe’s mom called, “If I Did Her”.

- You can’t say this about many people, but I’m betting Robert Karsashian is sort of happy he’s dead.  

Demi Nearly Overdoses After Withdrawal From Ashton!

Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital the other night for what is rumored to be “substance abuse”.  The EMS was called to her home and they decided she needed to be admitted.  Moore’s rep says the stress of the break up of her seven year marriage to Ashton Kutcher has left Demi “exhausted” and she is simply seeking professional help to get healthy.

- Although they are estranged, Ashton Kutcher rushed to the hospital but wasn’t allowed in because of the “No Kids” policy.

 - Ashton let all of his followers know that Demi was “undergoing tweetment” - uh - “treatment”. 

Note To Men: Write Her A Note!

If you don’t know what to give your significant other for Valentine’s Day, a Harris Poll has some suggestions. 57% of respondents said they hope to get dinner out at a nice restaurant, 38% are looking forward to a romantic home-cooked meal, and 44% said they hope to receive a handwritten note from their partner.  

- NOTE TO MEN: Your sweetheart will not be happy with a handwritten note asking her to make you a home-cooked meal. 

- George Clooney has sent so many handwritten notes to his girlfriends, he ended up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 

"Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho! A Beard At Work We'll Grow!"

For decades, Disney has famously banned park employees from having beards. But it’s finally ending it’s war on facial hair. Starting February 3rd, Disneyland employees will be able to grow beards.  They began allowing mustaches back in 2000.

- And the chick who plays Cinderella was thrilled! No more waxing! 

- Disneyland is a magical place! Now the employees can do something that even Justin Bieber can’t do.

 -In honor of the move, they’re going to add an eighth dwarf: Harry.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, the first Emmy Awards were presented. The Most Outstanding TV Personality was Shirley Disdale and her puppet “Judy Splinters”. 

- The two were eventually forced to split up because the public thought they were “just a little bit too gay”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Baby Talk!

Thanks so much for the heartfelt response we got to the announcement of the birth of Brayden Alexander Johnson - our 8th Grandchild!  His Mom, (my daughter Julie) and her husband Brad were really touched and appreciative of all the kind words and good wishes!  As for Brayden… he was so happy he wet his pants! 

Thank you again… I’ll keep you posted on his progress! 

-Dick