Purtan Podcast #28: From Valentine's Gifts... To Giving From The Heart!

What do “Toilet Texting”, and what women want for Valentine’s Day, have in common?  Fortunately, absolutely nothing!  But we talk about both, along with my new “drink of choice” and how Morgan Freeman dumped his step-Grand Daughter/girlfriend for a new squeeze.  Plus - details about my upcoming return to the microphone to host the 25th Anniversary of the nation’s largest one day/one station Radiothon, benefiting the Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Club which feeds 5000 men, women & children 365 days a year. It’s coming up on Friday, February 24th - live from the Oakland Mall - from 6am to 10pm. NOTE: This year’s Radiothon will be carried on 760 WJR.

Have a great weekend!  

Purtan Podcast #28

It's Groundhog Day All Over Again!

It’s Groundhog Day… and unfortunately, America’s most trusted Meteorologist, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole this morning and saw his shadow.  That means, of course, six more weeks of winter. 

- Mitt Romney walked outside this morning, saw the shadow of his hair, signaling six more months of attack ads. 

- Newt Gingrich walked outside this morning, saw the shadow of his belly, signaling six more months of attack ads. 

Trump On Stump For Newt???

Donald Trump will hold a press conference in Las Vegas this afternoon to make a “major announcement”. While no one is sure what he’ll say, Politico.com is reporting that “The Donald” will throw his endorsement behind Newt Gingrich. 

- That’s the biggest behind he’s endorsed since he said something nice about one of the Kardashian sisters. 

- Hollywood insiders say he’s going to announce plans for his new reality show, “Celebrity Appresident”. 

- Actually, Trump and Gingrich have a lot in common… they each have a whole bunch of ex-wives.  

NEWSFLASH: Toilet Texting On A Roll!

The next time you get a phone call, try not to think where it’s coming from. A new study by the marketing firm 11mark found that 75 percent of smartphone users have texted, e-mailed, used an app or surfed the web while… wait for it… sitting on the toilet. More than 90% of people aged 28 to 35 admit they will return a call or text while on the pot.  And one in five men say they’ve joined a conference call while sitting on the throne, despite the danger of making audible bathroom noises or accidentally hitting the video conference button.  

- Which is why I’d way rather be #1 on someone’s speed-dial than #2! 

- The guys who make noises can always say it was coming from “Farmville”. 

- So basically, it’s not an iPhone… it’s an iPeed. 

- If you do get caught sitting on the toilet during a conference call, just tell your boss you’re really good at multi-tasking. 

Someday She's Gonna "Unfriend" Her Parents...

On Tuesday, Dave and Lindsey Meske of Illinois welcomed a baby daughter named Madelyn. What made that newsworthy is that the couple couldn’t decide between Madelyn and McKenna, so they put those two names (and two others) in a Facebook poll and let Internet users vote to pick their daughter’s name. 

- If only the Internet had been around 60 years ago, we wouldn’t be listening to guys named “Newt” and “Mitt”!  

- The little Internet-named baby Madelyn, is cooing and Googling - ah - that’s gurgling - up a storm!

- I thought this was a dumb idea until I remembered that Beyonce just named her new baby, “Blue Ivy”.

You Can Get Toy Delivered When Boy-Toy Doesn't Deliver!

The Babeland sex shop in NYC is offering a unique service. For 30 bucks, they’s send a bike messenger to deliver sex toys and “accessories” or whatever you need in a “discreet-looking box”.  A store spokeswoman says they’ve gotten calls from people who’s “appliances have broken down” and “desparately need a new one delivered within an hour”. 

- Turns out the boxes aren’t that discreet… They come from Little Caesar’s and say “Hot & Ready” on them. 

- They’re thinking of changing their name to FedSex… “When it absolutely, positively, has to get there RIGHT NOW!”

- Just more proof that New York is “The City That Never Sleeps”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1863, journalist Samuel Clemens used the pen name “Mark Twain” for the first time while on the road in Carson City, Nevada. 

- He was on the road a lot, leading his wife to coin the phrase, “Never the Twains Shall Meet!”

SAVE THE DATE! 

The 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon is coming up live from the Oakland Mall on Friday, Feb. 24! I’ll be hosting along with the WJR guys as we broadcast live from 6am to 10pm. Listen on 760 WJR! This Radiothon is the only fundraiser for a program that feeds 5000 people in our community 365 days a year!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a new Podcast!

-Dick 

Mitt Neuters Newt In Florida...

Yesterday, Mitt Romney won nearly half the votes in the Florida GOP Primary, more than New Gingrich and Rick Santorum combined. The Mitt-en came in first in almost all demographics, including seniors, Latinos and even Tea Party conservatives, who think he’s got the best chance of beating Obama.  Newt’s checkered romantic past seems to have bitten him in the butt: While men viewed him favorably by a 2-1 margin, while women split 50-50. 

- Newt’s used to spliting everything he has 50/50 with his ex-wives. 

- Newt’s attempt to get the Cuban vote didn’t work. Apparently campaigning up and down the coastline on a Chevrolet raft just didn’t go over. 

- Romney got the Jewish vote by promising “A Kosher Chicken In Every Pot”. 

- The thing that really killed Newt was that billboard of him in a Speedo! 

Must NOT See TV!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejhad is launching a new satellite TV channel designed to deal a blow to “dominance seekers” including the U.S. “Hispan TV”, the new Spanish language channel will broadcast to South America and Cuba. It will run 24 hours a day and feature news, documentaries, movies and Iranian films. 

- Ahmadinejhad is just like Simon Cowell… only nicer. 

- Wait ‘til you see “Pimp My Burka”! 

- They’re going to have “Iranian Idol” except instead of getting kicked off, the singer with the least votes will be beheaded.  

- Mahmood himself will star with his family in “Keeping Up with The Ahmadinejhads”. 

They Can Carry A Tune... But Can They Carry The Swing States?

Both President Obama and Mitt Romney have added a little music to their bag of campaign tricks. This week, Mitt serenaded a group of Seniors at “The Villages” community in Florida with his rendition of “America the Beautiful”. His performance came on the heels of President Obama’s crooning Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” at a fundraiser earlier this month.  Michele Obama told Jay Leno last night that the he sings to her all the time. 

- Bill Clinton used the old “song and dance” routine on Hillary all the time, too.  Actually, it was mostly tap-dancing. 

- Newt Gingrich hasn’t busted out in song yet, but if he does, my money’s on “Fly Me To The Moon”. 

Trump Attempts To Trump Death

Donald Trump may not be looking forward to death… but he is preparing for it. Trump wants to set up a cemetary near the fifth fairway of Trump National Golf Course in New Jersey.  His consultant says it would be “very understated, not garish” unlike the marble wedding chapel Trump proposed for the first tee back in 2007.  That was slated to be 19’ high, have the word “TRUMP” carved on top, and be turned into a masoleum after he died. 

- Instead of “TRUMP”, shouldn’t the carving have read “Hair Today… Gone Tomorrow”? 

- Trump will be buried between two of his favorite women, Ivana on one side and Big Bertha on the other.  

When You Follow The Yellow Brick Road You'd Better Take Your Pooper-Scooper!

Kansas state Represetative Ed Trimmer has introduced a bill to make the Cairn Terrier the official state dog. That’s the type of dog that played Toto in “The Wizard of Oz”. 

- Actually Michigan already has a state dog. He goes by the name “Kwame Kilpatrick”.

- Opponents are afraid the dog would take a “wiz” on the Kansas State Constitution. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1840, the first American dental college was incorporated in Baltimore. 

- Before that, finding someone to fill your cavity was like pulling teeth! 

RIP  Don Cornellius… Host of “Soul Train” of an apparent suicide at 75. 

NOTE: 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon, hosted by yours truly and the guys from 760 WJR, is coming up on Friday, Feb. 24th - live from the Oakland Mall! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick 

Thousands Of Elderly Floridians Rush To Polls Very Slowly...

Today’s the big day in Florida as voters head to the polls for the GOP primary. Most polls show Mitt Romney with a comfortable lead, although New Gingrich says he has a chance at another upset. By the way… about 600,000 ballots were cast early - before the polls even opened. 

- In Florida, that’s known as the “Early Bird Vote”. 

- Even if they complete their ballots accurately, you know there are going to be plenty of “hanging chads” in those voting booths. 

Ron Paul's Campaign Goin' To The Dogg...

Don’t count Ron Paul out just yet… he picked up a major endorsement yesterday.  Yes, Rapper Snoop Dogg is backing Paul because he likes his plan to legalize marijuana.  

- Lil Bow Wow said that if he was old enough to vote he’d go for Ron Paul too. 

- Newt Gingrich is hoping to get support from Moon Unit Zappa. 

Paula Abdul Gets Xed Out Of "Factor"!

E! News reports that the Fox network has told Paula Abdul that she won’t be returning to “X Factor” next season, and that only judges Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid are staying.  A source said, “Simon wants to take the show in a different direction,” and “the plan is to part ways amicably”. 

- Taking the business “in a new direction” is today’s terminology for “We’re kicking your butt out the door”.  

- He actually fired her a week ago, but she’d been drinking and just keeps showing up for rehearsals.

- In keeping with the spirit of the show, shouldn’t they let people call to vote her in or off?  

Just When You Thought San Francisco Couldn't Get Any Weirder...

San Francisco Airport unveiled what they say is the first airport yoga room in the world.  Travelers can use the room with its low lights and soft blue walls, to medidate and do yoga breathing and stretching excercises before or after a stressful flight.  

- Or right before, or after, a TSA invasive full-body pat-down.

- So now you can spend your time meditating while your pilot is in the bar next door getting hammered. 

- Airports already have a place where you can twist your body into all kinds of weird yoga positions… It’s called the “Coach Class” on the airplanes.  

- In a related story… Carnival Cruise lines is offering free swimming lessons to all passengers who are about to board one of their ships. 

Beyonce: A "Class" Act?

Rutgers University is offering students a diploma credit course  in the social and cultural significance of… yes… Beyonce. Students will explore the singers alter ego, Sasha Fierce, and debate how much control she has over her own image among other things.  Gerogetown University already offers a sociology course about her husband, Jay-Z. 

- And the students who took that course said it’s “a real Bitch!” 

- And to think my mother complained when I took “Basket Weaving 101”. 

- They’re also offering a “Kourse in the Kardashians”… but so far, enrollment in that one is really lagging behind.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1928, the 3M company introduced Scotch Tape.

- They’ve been on a roll ever since.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Scientists Warming Up To Idea Of Global Cooling?

You may want to lay off the sunscreen and grab an extra pair of mittens.  A major report based on over 30,000 measuring temperature stations worldwide indicates that “Global Warming” actually ended in 1997 - fifteen years ago.  Some scientists claim that due to a decrease in sunspot activity, we could be heading into another mini-ice age similiar to the one in the 17th century when London’s Thames River froze over.  

- Of course Al Gore won’t believe it until Hell Freezes Over… literally.  

- Luckily, I’ve already put a deposit down on a new house in the first “Newt Gingrich Moon Colony”. 

- I don’t like being cold, but if this will keep French men from wearing Speedos, I’m all for it.