An order of Catholic nuns in Illinois are up in arms over plans to build a strip club called “Get It” next to their convent. They say it’s not only counter to what they’re trying to teach children, but they have girls their trying to welcome into missionary life, and they’ll “have that right next door”.
- In an effort to appease the nuns, men in the neighborhood said they’ll visit the club, but will try not to make it a habit.
A blogger known as “Furious Pete” released a video that’s racked up 4.5 million YouTube hits, exposing the secrets of infomercial makeovers. 
He starts by hitting the gym to pump up his muscles, then uses a tanning bed, sets up really good photo lighting, sprays himself with cooking oil and takes a digital pic that he photoshops to look perfect. That’s the “after” photo. Then he washes off the oil, takes a nap, chows down Beefaroni, pop, chips and chocolate milk to look boated, and then takes the “Before” photo. The whole process takes just five hours.
- Proving the long-suspected rumor that the majority of the budget for “Baywatch” wasn’t spent on Pam Anderson… it was spent on cans of “Pam”.
- Another name for the “After Shot” is “Your Facebook Profile Picture”.
On this day in 1964, the Beatles made their American TV debut on “the Ed Sullivan Show” and were seen by a record 73.7 million people. They were paid $2,400.
- Which, in today’s economy, translates to roughly $723 bucks.
NOTE: Don’t forget the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up two weeks from tomorrow - Friday, February 24th, from 6am to 10pm. I’ll be back behind the mic broadcasting live from the Oakland Mall - only this year it will be heard on 760 WJR. This is the single-biggest fundraiser for a vital program that feeds 5000 people a day, 365 days a year!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with my latest Podcast tomorrow!
-Dick
Last night, Rick Santorum trounced Mitt Romney in the GOP primary votes in Minnesota and Missouri, and narrowly beat him in Colorado. In Minnesota, Romney even came in 3rd behind Ron Paul.
- Just a reminder… Minnesota is the same state that elected Jesse Ventura Governor.
- I would have thought the Colorado would have gone for Ron Paul considering he supports legalizing getting “Rocky Mountain High”.
- Santorum credited his big wins to “representing the values of real Americans and also wearing his lucky sweater vest for a week straight!”
Jilted NBA player Kris Humpries wants to turn his divorce trial from Kim Karsashian into a reality TV show. He wants viewers to be able to watch live as his attorney builds a case for annulment by showing that Kim used the marriage for TV ratings and had no intention of being a real wife. Celeb attorney Raoul Felder called it a “brilliant” legal move, saying if she’s found guilty of defrauding Kris, Kim could face lawsuits from all the vendors who gave her free stuff for the wedding.
- No matter how it turns out, Kim’s going to continue to be the butt of a lot of jokes.
- This also marks the first time in history an NBA player has been credited with having a thought that was “brilliant”.
- Think of all the money they’ll make from divorce attorneys buying Ads during the TV trial!
PETA is in court suing Sea World on behalf of five killer whales at the San Diego Park. They claim that the whales deserve the same constitutional protection from slavery as humans, and they’re slaves because they are forced to live in tanks and perform daily. The attorney for Sea World said the founders did not include killer whales in “we the people” when the Constitution was adopted.
- Of course back then, they didn’t realize that “We the People” would end up looking like Whales after a lifetime of eating Quarter Pounders with Cheese and Fries.
- Some whales are semi human… Take Michael Moore for instance.
- PETA is also lobbying to have a red ball balanced on the nose of the official Presidential Seal.
- The whales live in tanks and perform daily… just like the female wrestlers used to do at the old “Zoo Lounge” on Eight Mile. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Actually we filmed a segment there for my Comedy Special on Channel 4 back in the 80’s.
A new study shows that the most likely of all marriages to fail: two lesbians. Experts say that makes sense, since woman initiate most straight couple divorces.
- The most common complaint from lesbians seeking to end their marriage: “I’ve had it with the old no-balls and chain”.
Police in Media, Pennsylvania, arrested a man for DUI after he allegedly drove drunk to the police station to pick up his son, who had been arrested for DUI.
- Which will make it so much more convenient for the guys’ wife/mother on prison visiting days!
- Sounds like somebody needs a “Designated Dad”.
On this day in 1922, President Warren G. Harding had the first radio installed in the White House.
- He bought it from a store that had recently changed it’s name from “Victrola Shack”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Yesterday on NBC’s the “Today” show, President Obama said he knows that people are frustrated that things haven’t improved faster, but, he said, “It turns out our Founders designed a system that makes it more difficult to bring about change than I would like sometimes.”
- So it wasn’t George Bush’s fault… It was George Washingtons!
- Since realizing the founding fathers caused the problem, he’s decided he will no longer serve “Sam Adams” at any future White House Beer Summits.
The Prez added that he thinks he deserves another term because “as President, you get better as time goes on.” That prompted some on the right to suggest that his campaign slogan could be, “Obama 2012: He’ll do better this time, honest!”
- Bill Clinton agreed saying, “Being President is like having sex. The more you do it, the better you get at it”.
This year’s Super Bowl beat the record set by last year’s game making it the most-watched show in U.S. history. It drew an average 111.3 million viewers. But the real winner was Madonna: viewership peaked during her halftime show at 114 million.
- It peaked because every one wanted to see if they’d ended up getting another peak at Madonna’s privates.
- More people watched Madonna than actually watched the game, so the NFL is considering making changes: At next year’s Super Bowl, most of the night will be a rock concert with the game taking place at halftime.
- 114 million people watched Madonna. Which is just 7 more people than she’s had sex with.
Iran’s Institue for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults has banned Simpsons’ toys from Iran. Bart and Homer dolls are blacklisted, as well as Barbie, and dolls of adults or any doll with distinguishable adult genitals, “because these dolls are promoters of Western culture”. 
But Spiderman and Superman dolls got a pass because even though they’re American, “they help oppressed people”.
- And that my friends is the definition of the word “Irony”.
- Sounds like the guys who made this ruling suffer from a lack of “distinguishable adult genitals”.
- Superman is okay, but Lois Lane has to enter a phone booth and change into a Burka!
The world’s leading daredevil skydiver, Felix Baumgartner, hopes to break a world record by donning a spacesuit with oxygen, taking a helium balloon to the edge of space, and diving out from 120,000 feet, nearly 23 miles up. He will break the sound barrier in 35 seconds, reach 690mph, and he says he doesn’t plan to deploy his parachute until he’s less than 5,000 feet from the ground.
- If I had did that, my scream would break the sound barrier in 5 seconds and would be the scream heard ‘round the world.
A University study has shown that giving up tweeting and e-mailing is harder to resist than cigarettes and alcohol.
- Tell that to my ex-brother in-law Joe.
Randy Travis was arrested after he was allegedly found sitting drunk in a pickup truck in a parking lot in Texas.
- Isn’t that how he writes all his country songs?
On this day in 1964, the Beatles first arrived in America at JFK Airport in New York. They were greeted by thousands of screaming female fans.
- It was a slightly bigger reception than the day before when Herman’s Hermits’ plane arrived.
NOTE: Tonight’s the night! It’s “Comedy For A Cause” to raise money for the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle in Royal Oak. Tix are $25 and include six very funny comedians plus free BBQ and Salsa! I’ll be MCing the event and hope to M-See you there! Doors open at 6pm. Showtime 7:30pm. Call 248-542-9900 for reservations!
See you tonight!
-Dick
In a very exciting Super Bowl, QB Eli Manning and the Giants pulled off another one of their patented 4th quarter drives all the way down the field, with the highlight being Eli’s 40-yd. pass to former U of M wide receiver Mario Manningham. The Giants scored a TD from six yards out, with 57 seconds left on the clock - with the running back Ahmad Bradshaw untouched by the Patriots, on purpose. That gave the Patriots the opportunity to use those 57 seconds to score a touchdown and win the game, but that didn’t happen.
No wardrobe malfunction this year… but that didn’t mean the halftime show starring Madonna didn’t cause controversey. But Madonna wasn’t the one causing it. 
One her “guest performers”, M.I.A. gave the finger to the crowd and over a hundred million TV viewers and allegedly sang, “I don’t give a BLEEP”. NBC and the NFL have apologized for the event which they said was “spontaneous” and they were unable to cut away from it in time.
- Don’t look for M.I.A. at next years halftime show… since the NFL will make sure she’s Missing In Action.
Meantime Madonna put on one of the most extravagent stage shows in halftime history, but the real question is: did she actually sing? I thought it was mostly lip-synched and a little bit live at the end, as she performed a medley of her hits including “Vogue” and “Like a Prayer”. As for movement… she was a little slower, and almost tripped once, but made it thru.
- Madonna’s 53. Think of her as halfway between Lady Gaga and Betty White.
- At one point I was wondering if she was wearing fish net stockings or just had vericose veins.
Advertisers paid $3.5 million for 30 seconds of time… but Chrysler paid more for a 2-MINUTE ad featuring Clint Eastwood as “Dirty Harry” touting Detroit as the comeback city.
But for all the expensive stunts and celebrities from top Ad Agencies, a focus group found that four of the five favorite ads were just funny spots with dogs. The #1 pick showed a Great Dane that killed the family cat, bribing his master to keep quiet by bringing him Doritos. That was actually a contest winner - created by a musician and graphic designer who paid $20 to make the ad.
- He had to buy a blank DVD, two bags of Doritos, a can of soup and a pooper-scooper.
- He said the hardest part was getting the untrained dog to stand still with a Doritos bag in his mouth, and to deal with two cats who “were real divas”.
On this day in 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard became the first person to hit a golf ball on the moon.
- He got a hole in one because as well all know, the moon is made of swiss cheese!
NOTE: “Comedy For A Cause” to raise money for the Salvation Army Bed and Bread Radiothon is tomorrow night, Tuesday, at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle in Royal Oak. I’ll be there… along with 6 very funny comedians! $25 includes BBQ snacks plus Chips ‘n Salsa! Call 248-542-9900 for reservations.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here - and hopefully at the Comedy Castle - tomorrow! Doors open at 6pm. Showtime 7:30pm!
-Dick