Dancing With The Drop-Outs?

Dancing With The Stars reportedly asked former Presidential candidates Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain to compete this season. Cain already declined, but no word from Bachmann yet. 

- Actually it was Mrs. Cain who declined on her husband’s behalf saying, “If he does the ‘Horizontal Mambo’ with one more woman, I’ll kill him.”

- Bill Clinton just keeps saying, “Pick me! Pick me!”

- They were going to ask Rick Santorum but they didn’t think he’d look good with glitter and sequins all over his sweater vest.

"Freeze! And Drop The Banana!"

A mom in North Carolina says her 4-year-old daughter’s sack lunch was targeted by the school nutrition police. Although it contained a turkey and cheese sandwich, a banana, apple juice and pototo chips, a state inspector said the little girl also needed a vegetable so they gave her a full school lunch.  Problem was, she was so traumatized she only ate the chicken nuggets the school was serving.

- Another example of our Government in action! 

- If I was the mom, I’d take the state inspector by the nuggets and tell him to leave my kid alone. 

Today's Almanac

Also in Philadelphia on this day in 1870, inventor B.C. Tilghman demonstated his new process, sandblasting. 

- Joan River’s great, great grandmother was his first customer!

SAVE THE DATE! The 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up a week from this Friday - Feb. 24 - from 6am to 10pm live from the Oakland Mall! 

I’ll be back behind the mic along with the guys from WJR and “Purtan’s People” as we raise funds for this amazing program that feeds 5000 men, women and children every day! 

And spread the word… this year the Radiothon will be heard on 760 WJR. Tell your Facebook friends about it! (Even the fake ones!) Thanks!

-Dick

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day! If you’re one of those (most likely) men running around trying to figure out what to give your significant other, we’ve got some last minute ideas for you! Actually… it’s a list of things NOT to give the love in your life if you expect a positive reaction at the end of the day. 

1) Do NOT download any of the following songs on her iPod:

- “If You Can’t Be With The One You Love… Love The One You’re With” by Crosby, Stills & Nash.

- “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band

- “I Never Promised You A Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson

- “I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl” by Rick Springfield

2) Do NOT give her a pre-paid membership to a weight loss program.

3) Do NOT say that despite never losing those pregnancy pounds, you still find her attractive. 

4) Do NOT give her anything that plugs into a standard wall outlet. 

5) Do NOT give her flowers that you picked up at a cemetary on the way home.

Tiger Woods Found This Out The Hard Way...

Valentine’s Day isn’t just the biggest day of the year for florists…  Private Eye Charlie Parker says it’s also the best day to catch adulterers in the act. He said even guys who fool their partners the other 364 days, have a hard time juggling two sets of flowers and gifts, and going out to two Valentine dinners without getting caught. 

- Why not just be like Hugh Hefner and take all your women out for dinner together? 

- When Bill Clinton heard the story he actually quoted George W. Bush saying, “It’s hard work! It really is!”

Hef's Son Arrested For Attacking Hunny-Bunny

Hugh Hefner’s son, Marston is out on $20,000 bail after being arrested on suspicion of domestic violence. His live-in girlfriend and 2011 Playmate of the Year, Claire Sinclair, is reportedly seeking a restraining order against “Hef-Lite”, after police were called to their apartment and found her suffering from minor injuries.  No word from Marston or his Dad. 

- When Hugh first heard that his son was in hot water, he assumed he was in the Jacuzzi.

To Paraphrase Flip Wilson... "There Goes The Judge!"

Lancaster, PA District Judge Kelly Ballentine has been removed from the bench after dismissing tickets against herself. The 43-year-old Judge allegedly hacked into court computers and deep-sixed three outstanding tickets against her, including one for having an expired registration.  

- She should be applauded for saving the taxpayers money! If the cases had come up in her courtroom she would have just dismissed them anyway!

- Apparently she goes by the old adage, “Judge not lest ye be the judge”.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice Robbed Blind!

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was with his wife and friends at their vacation home in the West Indies last week when a man broke in and robbed them while wielding a machete.  Nobody was injured, but the crook got away with about $1200.  Breyer is part of the Court’s liberal wing. 

- … or he was until about a week ago. 

- This is why I’ve always believed there should be a 5-day waiting period when you buy a machete. 

- Breyer says he would not be able to identify the assailant in a line-up thus proving the adage, “Justice is Blind”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, 7 mobsters were gunned down in a Chicago garage, most likely by Al Capone’s gang. It was dubbed the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.”

- Capone was gonna off them earlier in the month, but he didn’t think the “Ground Hog’s Day Massacre” had as nice a ring to it.

Have a great day and don’t forget that I’ll be back behind the mic for the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon, a week from this Friday, February 24th from 6am to 10pm, live from the Oakland Mall.  And remember… this year the Radiothon will be carried on 760 WJR!

-Dick 

RIP...

Whitney Houston gone. 48 years old. Troubled life… but what a voice! Seven number one songs in the 1980’s - an unbroken record for any female recording artist in history. I still believe her rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” at the Superbowl was - and probably always will be - the best. 

The Grammy's: From The Sublime To The Ridiculous...

While the shadow of Whitney hung over last night’s 54th annual Grammy Awards, with Jennifer Hudson paying tribute with her rendition of Houston’s classic “I Will Always Love You”, the evening was also filled with some bizarre moments - the kind we’ve come to expect from Music’s biggest night.  The most talked about was Nikki Minaj’s weird performance of “Roman Holiday,” featuring a Pope lookalike, stained glass windows and other religious imagery, and Minaj strapped to a table and levitating as she underwent an exorcism.  

- It made Madonna’s performance at the Superbowl halftime show look like a scene from Mary Poppins. 

- Unlike Linda Blair in the Exorcist, Minaj didn’t throw up during the Exorcism routine… she did that at the after-party. 

- She got the Pontiff lookalike from “Popes R Us”. 

Heavens to Betty!

Betty White won a Grammy at age 90 for Best Spoken Word Album for her audio book of her memoir, “If You Ask Me.” But she’s not the oldest Grammy winner. Last year, the late Pinetop Perkins broke Georges Burn’s record by winning for best traditonal blues album at age 97. 

- “Pinetop Perkins”… that sounds like a pancake joint in Colorado. 

- So this officially makes Betty White a “Golden Girl”. 

- Betty says she’ll put the statuette on her mantle right next to the “World’s Greatest Grammy” coffee mug she got from her grandkids for Christmas. 

February 15th Is The New 14th!

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and the National Retail Federation estimates that the average consumer will spend $126 - up $10 from last year. It’s not surprising considering that sending a dozen red roses on the big day will set you back up to $125 dollars.  The Christian Science Monitor has offered a cost-saving solution: They suggest making February 15th your “personal Valentine’s Day” so you can get roses for a lot less.

- Of course you may have to pay for a cleaning service after your significant other hurls the vase at you.

- Call me romantic, but I’m going to do what I do every year: Take my wife thru the drive-thru at McDonalds and get her a “You-Make-Me-So-Happy Meal”. 

"The Phantom Of The Record Books"

Over the weekend, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical “Phantom of the Opera” rolled a giant cake on stage to mark a Broadway milestone: it’s the first Broadway musical to reach 10,000 performances. That’s over 2500 more than the nearest runner-up, Webber’s “Cats”.

- When “Cat’s” hit it’s milestone, they rolled a giant ball of yarn on stage.  

- After 10,000 performances, the actors are pretty bored. But they mask it well. 

- Spiderman the Musical also set a record this weekend… marking it’s 10,000th injury to a cast member.  

FYI… In celebration of the 25th Anniversary of “Phantom of the Opera”, there’s a new DVD available featuring a lavish stage production of the show done at London’s Royal Albert Hall. I got it as an early Valentine’s Day gift for my wife and it’s spectacular! You can get it at www.phantom25th.com or, just do what I did, go to Costco and buy it for 16 bucks! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1933, 79 years ago, in the newspaper comics, Dagwood Bumstead married Blondie Boopadoop. 

- She was given away by her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bob and Beatrice Boopadoop. 

Have a great day and don’t forget that the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up one week from this Friday, February 24th! As you probably know, this event is THE fundraiser for a program that feeds more than 5000 people a day right here in Metro Detroit. I’ll be back behind the mic during the broadcast from 6am to 10pm live at the Oakland Mall. But tie a string around your finger to help you remember that this year, the Radiothon will be heard on 760 WJR! Tell your friends, post it on Facebook, anything you can do to let people know where to tune in would be greatly appreciated.  The program is vital… and the need is greater than ever before.  Thanks so much and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #29: JFK's Newly Revealed 19-Year-Old-Girlfriend... And A Girl He Had His Eye On That Hits Much Closer To My Home!

It’s the weekend… and that means it’s time for Purtan Podcast #29! 

 

Today we gather around the old dining room table and discuss the new revelation about the 19-year-old girl who just came clean about her 18-month affair with JFK when she was a White House Intern (And to think Bill Clinton thought he came up with that idea!). I’ll also  share a personal story about an encounter I had with Kennedy and his rather overt attention to my wife!  Plus we explain how we could have won World War II in much less time using something you may have in your kitchen cupboard right now.  

Hope you enjoy the Podcast… see you back here Monday as we begin the countdown to the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon, coming up on Friday, February 24th, from 6am to 10pm live from the Oakland Mall. I’ll be be back behind the mic co-hosting the broadcast - only this year it’s on 760 WJR! This is the fundraiser that allows the Salvation Army to feed 5000 people locally every day - 365 days a year! Please tell your friends about the Radiothon’s new radio home and that you can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760 or @ WJR.com! 

Thanks in advance for your continued support!

Purtan Podcast #29

Trouble For "The Brady Bundch-en"...

QB back Tom Brady is allegedly livid… not because he and the New England Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the NY Giants last weekend, but because of his wife’s comments about his teammates.  As has been widely reported, after the last-minute loss last Sunday, Giselle Bundchen a.k.a. “Mrs. Brady” went ballistic, telling reporters, “My husband can’t throw and catch the “F —- ing” ball at the same time”. Now reports say that Tom is furious with his wife and has told her to “zip it” and “keep her feelings to herself”. 

- They’re hasn’t been this much discord in the Brady household since Greg accidentally broke Marcia’s nose with that football!  

- Giselle was reportedly so upset she ran out of the room.  Actually she just strutted down the hall in a perfectly straight line, paused for a moment, then turned and walked right back. 

- Something tells me that for a while, Giselle will consider any passes Tom makes at her out of bounds.  

Don't Glitt The Mitt!

University of Colorado student Peter Smith is facing 3 misdemeanor charges and could served up to 6 months in jail for glitter-bombing Mitt Romney. This is usually something gay rights activists do to same-sex marriage opponents, but Smith said he threw glitter on Mitt during a public appearance because he disagrees with his “general political philosophy.”

- Romney wouldn’t have pressed charges but the glitter stuck to his hairspray and it took three washings to get it out. 

- In a related story, Tom Brady reportedly glitter-bombed Giselle Bundchen.  

Even Moby Dick Felt Lawsuit Was Ridiculous...

A judge in San Diego has thrown out a suit against Sea World by PETA on behalf of five whales.  As I told you here yesterday, PETA lawyers had claimed that the whales were “enslaved” and should be protected by the U.S. Constitution. But the Judge tossed the case saying he doesn’t believe whales and other species were what the Founding Fathers had in mind. 

- No ifs, ands Or-ca butts! 

- If so, we would all be entitled to “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of fish chum.” 

Brad And Angelina's Marriage Plans In The Pitts?

You might want to hold off on that wedding gift for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Rumors have been flying that the long-time lovers and parents of seven children were set to marry, but it seems they’ve hit a snag. Insiders say that during “pre-marital” counciling Angelina admitted that she’d continued sleeping with other men after making an “emotional commitment” to Brad. Although they were not sexually involved, and Brad was married to Jennifer Aniston at the time, he supposedly still considers it “cheating” and stormed out of the session. 

- If I’m not mistaken, Jennifer Aniston considered what Brad did “cheating” as well. 

- Boy, if a married guy can’t count on his mistress not to sleep with other people…