The GOP voted down Preident Obama’s “Buffett Rule” that would tax the weathy at a higher rate.
- Michael Moore was relieved because he thought it was an “All Can Eat Buffet Rule”.
- The Senate will now consider the “Jimmy Buffett Rule” where you just sit around wearing flip-flops, drinking margaritas and don’t worry about payin’ taxes.
Mitt Romney told Diane Sawyer that he’s not too rich to relate to average Americans.
- You know, “average Americans” like Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey.
- It’s true… he puts his $1000 suit pants on one leg at at time just like everyone else!
Yesterday we saw pix of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton swigging a beer at a party in Colombia. Now Veep Joe Biden has posted a picture of President Obama running around a swimming pool with a big squirt gun.
- Republicans said this proves they’ve been right all along about Obama’s tax policies: He’s a Super-Soaker.
- Between the beer and the squirt gun, the Democrats seem to be having more of a “Grand Old Party” than the G.O.P.!
- Next week Biden’s going to release pictures of Barney Frank doing belly flops in a Speedo.
French scientists say they have eivdence that people who have tattoos and piercings are heavy drinkers.
- Well, duh! How do you think they ended up with so many tattoos?
- I guess this means they’re serving more than Kool-Aid during lunch at the prison cafeteria.
- So Angelina Jolie must drink a lot more than she lets on.
Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is back to work after a five-game suspension for declaring his love for Fidel Castro.
- He promised never to say another nice thing about Castro… and if you don’t believe him, just ask his BFF Hugo Chavez.
- A lot of people think Guillen got off easy, saying he should have been “Castro-ated” for his remarks.
- To celebrate his return, Guillen gave all his players Cuban cigars.
On this day in day in 1898, Ronald McDonald won the second-ever Boston Marathon.
- He hadn’t intended to run the race, but he was chasing the Hamburglar.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
President Obama said he’ll be angry if the allegations about Secret Service agents hiring and partying with prostitutes in Colombia are true.
- I’ll bet the Secret Service agents wives won’t be too thrilled about it either.
- What ever happened to the old saying, “What happens in Colombia stays in Colombia!”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was photographed drinking beer and dancing during the scandal-ridden international conference in Colombia.
- Asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, “That’s my girl!”
- Nothing builds confidence in your government like watching the Secretary of State chug a beer while doing the Macarena.
Researchers say that drinking beer can actually make you smarter.
- Actually it was just one researcher… a “Mr. H. Simpson” of Springfield.
- If drinking beer makes you smarter, than college fraternity houses are actually “Think Tanks”.
- Researchers added that it makes you smarter at math… especially when dealing with quarters.
Newt Gingrich was visiting the St. Louis Zoo when he was nipped by a Penguin.
- Newt is so strapped for cash, he was actually trying to steal the Penguin’s tuxedo for an upcoming fundraiser.
- Newt’s wife was so startled, her hair almost moved!
- In a related story the elephants turned their backs on him… like most G.O.P.’ers they’re going for Romney.
A new survey finds that families of prom-going teens will spend over - get ready - $1000 on the event this year.
- NOTE TO DAD’S: When your daughter comes crying to you that no one asked her to the dance, do not jump in the air, fist bump your wife and yell, “Yes!”.
On this day in 1986, IMB produced the first megabit-chip.
- The next day an IBM worker got in trouble for double-dipping the chip in the guacamole at the office’s celebration party.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
The Red Wings came us short against the Predators at home Sunday, giving Nashville a 2-1 lead in their 5 game play-off series. Next game: Tuesday at 7:30pm at the Joe. Go Wings!
Meanwhile, the Tigers are 6-3 on the season after taking just one of their games against the Chicago White Sox. 
By the way, if it seemed like every play in every major league game yesterday involved a guy wearing jersey #42 you were right. All MLB players, managers, coaches and umpires donned the number to honor the 65th anniversary of the day that 
Jackie Robinson became the first black player in Major League Baseball history when he took the field for the Brooklyn Dodgers back in 1947. A great tribute!
Eleven Secret Service agents were suspended after they hired hookers while preparing for President Obama’s arrival for a summit in Colombia. They were caught when one of the women told police that an agent refused to pay her the $47 he owed her.
- So now we not only owe China up the ying-yang, we owe Colombia too!
- Apparently, if a Secret Service agent throws himself between the President and a woman coming at him, it’s known as “a three some”.
- This makes me long for the good old days… Bill Clinton always made sure his agents had plenty of cash on hand to pay their hookers!
Because April 15th fell on a Sunday, and today is a government holiday in DC, income taxes aren’t due this year until tomorrow, April 17th.
- So now we have to wait until tomorrow’s 11pm local news to watch that live, riveting coverage from the Post Office with the reporters asking, “Why did you wait until the last minute to file your taxes?”.
A four-year-old girl from Winchester, England, joined MENSA after scoring 159 on an IQ test, just one point below Stephen Hawking. 
- The Kardashian sisters have the exact same IQ… when you add all three of their scores together.
- Call me stupid, but I thought most girls didn’t join “The Mensa Society” until they hit puberty.
- The little girl is reportedly set to release a book, “A Brief History of Time-Outs”.
North Korea’s third attempt at a long-range missile test failed over the weekend, when the missile broke apart and fell into the ocean just minutes after it was launched.
- The countries new leader, Kim Jong Un, hailed the failure as a victory saying it proved North Korea is capable of taking out a school of fish.
- Goerge W. Bush immediately proclaimed, “Mission Un-Accomplished!”
- What is it with short guys and their obsession with proving that they’ve got long-range missiles?
On this day in 1943, Swiss researcher Albert Hoffmann introduced the world to a new-mind altering drug: LSD.
- Ironically, he wasn’t at home but was on a trip at the time.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
In today’s installment, I talk to my daughter Jill’s son and daughter (Okay, my grandkids) Matthew (17) and Julia (14) during their visit to our family vacation home in Florida. We cover everything from their career aspirations (yep- they both want to go into broadcasting!) to mis-prounounced words and the movie, “The Hunger Games”. And speaking of “Hunger”, turns out even the kids notice how waiters and waitresses seem to get nicer the closer it gets to “tip time”. Now if I could only get them to pick up the check once in a while! You’ll hear all that and a lot more as I talk to another generation of Purtans. OMG… it was, like, so fun!
Have a great weekend and enjoy!
-Dick
Purtan Podcast #38 (20:53)
There’s concern that in recent appearances, President Obama looks too thin and rumors are that he hasn’t been eating. 
- He’s eating… but Michelle only allows him to eat brocolli, carrot sticks and Tofurkey kebobs.