We didn’t have a blog yesterday due to a Facebook glitch, but as you know, a Librarian named Emma Boettcher beat 32-game winner James Holzhauer on Jeopardy! Monday night.

- So James’ “Gambling System” is no match for Emma’s “Dewey Decimal System”.

BTW: My comment based on a leaked video that James was a “dummy” for only betting $1399 in Final Jeopardy was meant as a JOKE! He’s certainly no dummy!

*****

To mark it’s 40th anniversary, "The Muppet Movie" is returning to theaters for 2 days only - July 25th and 30th.

- Miss Piggy says it will be crazy to see her younger self on film and admits that these days, she’s got a lot more back bacon.

*****

George Michael left nothing to his two lovers in his $125 million dollar will and instead gave all the money to his sisters and dad.

- George spelled out his wishes in a song: “I’m Not Leaving You Stuff… After I Go-Go”.

*****

Bette Midler and Prez Trump are in a Twitter war after she tweeted a long ago proven Fake quote attributed to him. In response he called her a “washed up psycho”.

- Their relationship may be frosty now, but just remember, in the winter, deep beneath the bitter snow… Lies a seed, that with the sun’s love, in the Spring… becomes the Rose.

*****

Amazon has announced new “Same Day Delivery” for Prime Members.

- Which is great when you just can’t wait two days for a Crock-Pot and 36 Rolls of Toilet Paper.

*****

A Texas woman says she was shocked when she cut into her daughter’s graduation cake and discovered that Walmart had given her a display cake made of Styrofoam.

- On the bright side, it was low in sugar and had a full day’s worth of fiber.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth greeted President Trump at Buckingham Palace this morning.

- In keeping with tradition, she led the massive crowd gathered outside in “The Wave”.

*****

A leaked video clip from Jeopardy! appears to show 32-time Champ James Holzhauer who has won over $2 Million - finally LOSING on tonight’s episode of Jeopardy… After betting TOO LITTLE money going into Final Jeopardy.

- What a dummy!

*****

A study by the British Heart Foundation debunked concerns that coffee is bad for you - and said you can drink up to 25 CUPS A DAY without causing heart problems.

- We tried to call the scientists responsible for this report but they weren’t available since they’d all checked into a Sleep Clinic.

*****

Scientists in Germany were baffled by mysterious flashes of light coming from the moon.

- Turns out Kim Kardashian was using the flash while taking selfies of her butt.

*****

The Elton John Biopic, “Rocketman,” pulled in just $25 million in its box office debut - about half of what producers had expected.

- Producers say they’re rethinking their promotional strategy and need a few days to Get their Duck Suits in a Row.

*****

According to a new scientific survey, the Loch Ness Monster might be REAL.

- This, from British Scientist… a Mr. B. Foot.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Bruce Springsteen announced that he’s recording a new album and going back on tour with the E Street Band in the fall.

- Although at 67, Bruce is now calling it the “EKG Band”.

*****

Nineteen people were injured chasing an 8 pound wheel of cheese down a hill during Britain’s annual “Cheese Roll”.

- So this is what people in England do when they’re not arguing about Brexit.

- Officials announced they’re cancelling next years event saying “It’s time to cut the cheese”.

*****

One of the stars of Game of Thrones says the coffee cup left on a table during a scene wasn’t from Starbucks but “was from Costco”.

- Apparently one of the producers got the cup when he was at Costco picking up a Rotisserie Mutton Leg and Pallet of Crossbows.

- FYI: Yesterday marked the anniversary of the “Last Day of the Middle Ages”. (True!) Apparently they woke up on a Wednesday and said, “Well that was fun! Time to move on”.

*****

Sharon Osbourne is getting more plastic surgery done in August so when she comes back to “The Talk” in the fall she will have a whole new look.

- She says her husband Ozzie “won’t be able to recognize me”. But to be honest, Ozzie didn’t recognize her at breakfast this morning.

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger has made his rapping debut in the video for a new song called "Pump It Up".

- He’s going by the name “Snoop Dog Schwarzenegger”.

*****

Cher posted a Tweet saying she hoped that President Trump would be jailed and sexually assaulted by “Bubba Bob” in prison.

- If only Cher could put out hit records as often as she Tweets, she’d actually have a CAREER.

*****

A Louisiana woman was arrested for beating up her wife after she accidentally put her marijuana in the wash.

- Doesn’t she know your supposed to Launder the MONEY… NOT the DRUGS???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Jeopardy! star James Holzhauer has now won over 2 MILLION DOLLARS on the show.

- He’s won so much cash… the SHOW is now in Jeopardy.

NOTE: Encouraging news from Alex Trebek who says his treatment for Pancreatic Cancer is working well so far!

*****

The hottest thing at the pool this summer may be the “Towel-kini” which combines a bathing suit and a beach towel.

- Next up: The “STRING Towel-kini” which will combine a bathing suit and a wash cloth.

*****

A leading relationship coach is predicting that by the year 2050 most people will be DATING ROBOTS.

- On the bright side… when you call customer service you’ll actually get a human being on the phone.

*****

Canada, Denmark and Russia have all submitted paperwork to a special UN committee that they say proves they (individually) are the rightful “owner” of the North Pole.

- EXCUSE ME??? Did they forget about a guy named… SANTA CLAUS???

*****

A woman in Rhode Island managed to get away from a Black Bear who opened the passenger door of the car she was in at a camp ground and tried to get in.

- The woman said the bear was “Wearing a green hat and necktie”, seemed “Smarter than your average bear” and answered to the name “Yogi”.

- The bear was not seriously hurt, but did get a Boo-Boo.

*****

Researchers say that spending a day “Doing Nothing” can be a great way to make yourself more creative and productive.

- So that “Do Nothing” slacker whose dating your daughter may be the next Jeff Bezos.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

O.J. Simpson claims he seduced Kris Jenner in a hot tub in 1990.

- Proving once again that O.J. is a real lady killer.

*****

Tech experts say the hottest trend in Smartphones these days is “Not buying a new one” - with more and more people holding on to their old model.

- In the interest of transparency I have to admit: I dropped and broke my old flip phone a couple weeks ago and went 2 WEEKS WITHOUT A CELL PHONE. And somehow… I survived!!

*****

Kim Kardashian has filed to trademark her newborn son’s name so she can sell hair accessories, home furnishings, etc… under his name “Psalm West”.

- I really thought they were gonna go with something more traditional like “Deuteronomy”.

- And - IF they had had TWIN boys - “First and Second Samuel”.

- Hey… Judge not, lest ye be judged.

*****

President Trump attended a sumo-wrestling match in Japan on Monday.

- He looked terrific in his “Make Fat Guys In Spandex Loincloths Great Again” baseball cap.

*****

Hillary Clinton marched in the Memorial Day Parade in Chappaqua, NY yesterday leading some to speculate that she’s thinking about running in 2020.

- Talk about a glutton for punishment.

*****

According to reports, Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade “Knew full well” that her parents bought her way into USC.

- Looking at her original SAT scores, this is apparently the only thing Olivia Jade DID know.

*****

Thoughts and Prayers for Dan Gilbert and his family as he recovers from a Stroke he suffered over the Holiday Weekend.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Copy of Memorial Day 2015

For a dozen years following the attacks on 9/11, as we approached Memorial Day, I would read a poem on the air called "The Inscription". 

It was sent to me by an Ohio listener named Paul Reside and was written by Paul's Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, who composed it in 1932. 

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier, and was published by the Perry County Ohio newspaper on what was then called "Decoration Day". 

On this Memorial Day, as we remember those who have given their lives in the cause of Freedom, I hope you will enjoy my reading of the poem from the radio show, which you can hear by clicking on the link below. 

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones  (1:52)

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

P.S. Here are three songs that I find appropriate to play today… 

Stars and Stripes Forever

Whitney Houston - Star Spangled Banner

Ray Charles - America The Beautiful 

Over my last few years on the air, I recited the following poem every Memorial Day Weekend in honor and in memory of the brave men and women who made the Ultimate Sacrifice defending the freedom and liberty we are so lucky to enjoy in this country.

The poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  

Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones wrote it around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”. Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

As you enjoy your Memorial Day, I encourage you to take a moment to share “The Inscription” with your family and friends... especially your children. Let it serve as a reminder to us all of the gratitude owed the brave men and women of our Armed Forces who have laid down their lives so that we may live ours.  

Just click on the link below to hear me reading the words written almost 90 years ago - that still resonate today.   

The Inscription by Annabelle Gunnett Jones

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

P.S. Below are some of my favorite Patriotic musical performances.

Micheal Avenatti has been charged with stealing $300,000 from his former client Stormy Daniels and “stealing her identity”.

- If I was gonna steal someone’s identity, I don’t think I’d pick someone who’d give me an STD.

*****

A survey found that parents think young children should start focusing on their career choice by the age of five.

- I agree! By the time I was five I had already definitely decided I was going to become either Batman or a Bus Driver.

*****

A 44 year old man in China woke up after a night of heavy drinking to find that his, um, well, you know had been severed.

- Note to Guys: Pay attention the next time your bartender says she’s going to “Cut you off”.

- He never should have agreed to that game of “Strip Bobbitt”.

*****

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says that growing “Cauliflower” is a sign of “Colonialism” and people should grow vegetables that represent their cultural heritage.

- Here’s an idea… How about growing vegetables that you actually like to eat???

*****

First they told us not to French Kiss COWS, now the Centers for Disease Control is warning people not to “kiss or snuggle” CHICKENS after an outbreak of salmonella sickened 52 people in multiple states.

- Oh sure… Kissing Chickens is always fun until somebody gets food poisoning.

- And just like that I have to change my Memorial Day Weekend plans.

- Multiple states, huh? Apparently “Poultry Snuggling” is more popular than I thought.

*****

Kim Kardashian alerted her nearly 61 million Twitter followers to the fact that she had “a serious complaint” with the Jack in the Box hamburger chain.

- I’m bettin’ it had something to do with the buns being too small.

*****

The 2019 World Beard and Mustache Championships are underway in Belgium with male categories for best mustache, partial beard and full beard. They’re also handing out prizes to women for best “Artificial Facial Hair”.

- Then there’s the “Bruce Jenner Award” which goes to the Woman with the best REAL facial hair.

*****

Have a Happy & Safe Memorial Day Weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!

-Dick

According the the Russian rumor mill, Vladimir Putin’s 36 year old alleged mistress has given birth to twins but the Kremlin is refusing to comment.

- Or as the Media is reporting it: “Trump Fathers Putin’s Illegitimate Twins”.

- At last we know! There WAS Collusion with the Russians… Or at least ONE Russian.

*****

You may have heard that Austrian Men have been told to “Stop French-Kissing Cows” because of a strange “challenge” sweeping social media - well now it’s got it’s own hashtag.

- They’re calling it the #MooToo Mooovement.

*****

Reigning Jeopardy! champ James Holzhauer won his 23rd consecutive game last night, bringing his total winnings to a whopping $1,780,237.

- His ex-wife says she’s not surprised adding, “He’s got an Answer for EVERYTHING”.

*****

A French mayor is offering free Viagra to couples in his town in order to boost the local birth rate.

- Thus the expression: “Sacre Little Bleu Pill”!

*****

1.3 Million angry “Game of Thrones” fans have signed a Change.org petition demanding that producers remake the series’ eighth season.

- In Medieval terms this is known as a “Doeth Over”.

*****

According to new research, “polite” comments on the internet are perceived as more believable than short, angry “impolite” responses.

- WTH???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden held his official campaign launch rally in Philly over the weekend and drew a crowd of 6000 people.

- Joe said he was really “touched” by the turnout. As were most of the women in the audience.

*****

Little Caesars is testing out meatless sausage crumbles - made out of pea protein and seasonings on a new pizza that also comes with onions and peppers and costs $12.

- Arby’s is rumored to be doing the same thing with the slogan “We Have the PEA PROTEIN!”

- $12 for a Veggie Pizza? That’s a lotta Pepperoni!

*****

An electronic billboard burst into flames in Times Square on Saturday.

- The last time something burst into flames on Broadway Liberace was in town.

*****

American scientists have artificially created the loudest-possible underwater sound - equivalent to two jet engines taking off.

- Before this the record for loudest underwater sound was held by Big Al during a swim at the YMCA.

*****

Art experts have discovered a drawing of a robed man in a chair they they claim Michaelangelo sketched when he was just 12 years old.

- It’s a great pic… except for the Starbucks coffee cup on the table.

*****

With “Game of Thrones” officially over, the website Bark.com is offering up therapists who - for $50 Bucks - will help despondent fans deal with their “anger, confusion, sadness & grief” over the show ending.

- We can only hope these grief counselors will be around when “The View” goes off the air.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Beto O’Rourke went on “The View” Monday to apologize for his “White Male Privilege” and for appearing on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.

- Seems to me he’s apologizing for the wrong things… He should apologize for going on “The View”.

*****

The U.S. navy has released the finding from a probe into a 2017 incident in which a pilot drew the outline of his “manhood” in the sky.

- Thus the famous line, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Penis!”

*****

Roger Daltry of the “Who” blasted pot smokers during the band’s concert in NYC Monday.

- Daltry is 75. To be fair, most of the people at a “Who” concert are smoking pot for their Glaucoma.

*****

A woman in Maine is taking her ex-boyfriend to court to get visitation rights for what used to be THEIR dog.

- Hollywood is putting their story on film with a remake of the iconic Humphrey Bogart movie retitled: “The CANINE Mutiny”.

*****

Oreos will release five new flavors this summer including Mint Chocolate Chip, Maple Creme and one inspired by the moon landing.

- This is One Small Step for Oreos… One Giant Leap for your Pant Size.

*****

The Russian Government is demanding that NASA explain why the International Space Station smells like alcohol.

- Sounds like somebody’s been working on more than “Moon Shots”.

*****

For the first time in 125 years, Hershey is changing the look of it’s famous chocolate bars - ditching their logo for Emojis instead. That reminds me of one of the great radio bloopers of all time. Back in the ‘50’s famous CBS newsman Lowell Thomas was reporting on President Eisenhower’s visit to the Hershey plant in PA. Lowell said “President Eisenhower today visited the Chocolate City. The President driving into Hershey, Pennsylvania to celebrate his 63rd Birthday. 30 thousand or more people were cheering him… all the folks who make Hershey chocolate… with and without nuts”. When he realized what he had just said, he broke up so badly that he couldn’t go on and ended his newscast early. I used to love to play this on the air from time to time. It’s a classic!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Tim Conway has died at the age of 85. He had been suffering from complications from a spinal fluid disorder that can bring on dementia.

He first made it big as Ensign Charlie Parker on “McHale’s Navy”… but cemented his place in TV history during his time as a member of the ensemble of The Carol Burnett Show.

Tim’s roles as “Mickey Hart” alongside Eunice, Ed & Mama of “The Family” broke up not only those of us watching, but the cast members as well. The same was true when he played everything from “The Oldest Man”, to “Mr. Tudball” the boss to Carol Burnett’s ditzy “Mrs. Hwwwhiggggg-gens”, to “The Dentist”.

If you don’t remember the scene where Tim plays a first-day-on-the-job Dentist who accidentally paralyzes his own leg with a shot of novocaine, Google it! Harvey Korman’s “peeing his pants”, “losing it” reaction as his first-ever patient is priceless. And speaking of Korman… Who can forget the GWTW scene where he plays Rhett Butler to Carol Burnett’s Scarlett O’Hara. She greets Rhett wearing a Green velvet dress, made from Drapes, including the curtain rod. Rhett says, “That gown is gorgeous!” and Scarlett replies, “Thank you. I saw it in the window, and I just couldn't resist it.”

In another memorable sketch, Conway caused what is considered the shows biggest blooper. While improvising a story about “Siamese Elephants” he left his co-stars gasping for air and prompted an in-tears Vicki Lawrence to ad-lib to Carol’s Burnett’s Eunice, “Is that little ass****” finished??”

Tim was married twice, had six biological children and one step child. Sadly, one of his daughters and his second wife spent the last year in court arguing about who should be in charge of his care. A not-funny situation for an incredibly funny guy. He probably would have joked about it if he’d been able.

I crossed paths with Tim twice over the years. One time, I interviewed him while I was working at CKLW. When he walked into the studio in Windsor he said to me “I could swear my ex-wife lives in the apartment building next door”. When our interview was over, he walked out of our building and into the building next door. I never found out whether his ex-wife lived there or not.

Tim once said in an interview, “ I’ve never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it”.

And he did just that.

Tim not only ad-libbed hysterical stories, his physical humor - a limp, a hand gesture, a facial expression - could bring you to your knees. His talent was a collision of wide-eyed goofiness and sheer brilliance. At 5’ 6”, he was small in stature but a Giant in Comedy.

He was the best. And I miss it all. And I bet you do too.

-Dick

A California Bride is being slammed online for trying to save on Church costs by COMBINING her aunt’s open casket FUNERAL with her WEDDING.

- Thus the old expression, “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Aunt Ethel to View”.

*****

NASA says new photos show that the Moon is slowly shrinking over time which is causing wrinkles in the Moon.

- Mark my words. In a few years, pics of Kim Kardashian are gonna show the exact same thing.

*****

Jack Ma - the business equivalent of Jeff Bezos in China - told employees that they should have “marathon sex” - six days a week.

- I guess he thinks Chinese Sex is like Chinese Food. You wanna have it again an hour later.

*****

The jockey who rode Maximum Security - the horse disqualified for changing lanes and causing interference in the Kentucky Derby has been suspended for 15 days.

- Now people are asking the JOCKEY “Why the long face??”

*****

An heir to the Coca-Cola fortune was arrested after police found more than $1.3 million worth of marijuana on his private jet.

- I think the real story here is that they didn’t find any Coke.

*****

An Australian family found a gold nugget worth $24,000 while they were walking their dog on Sunday.

- My dog never FOUND any nuggets… but he DROPPED a few.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Que Sera Sera… Doris Day - The All American Girl Next Door has died at the age of 97 after a bout of Pneumonia.

The girl born Doris Kappelhoff went on to become a Hollywood legend and a fan favorite - so much so that she was the number one box office draw for four years in a row in the 1960’s. (The first woman to do so since Shirley Temple). Doris aspired to be a dancer, but when a car accident permantly injured her leg when she was just 15, she turned her sights to acting.

Her very first movie, 1948’s “Romance on the High Seas” - and “It’s Magic” the song she sang in the film - skyrocketed her to fame. She went to star in almost 40 movies including “Teacher’s Pet”, “Pillow Talk”, “Lover Come Back”, “That Touch of Pink”, “Move Over Darling”, “Calamity Jane”, and her final film, “With Six You Get Eggroll”. Most were breezy, romantic comedies that made you feel good - much like Doris herself. One of her more serious turns came in Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Man Who Knew Too Much”. Doris had happened to meet Hitchcock at a dinner party in the early ‘50’s and said he “saw something in her eyes”. So did America.

Her list of leading men was truly a Who’s Who of Hollywood: Cary Grant, James Garner, Clark Gable, James Cagney, Jimmy Stewart and of course Rock Hudson. Her support of Hudson when he announced that he was Gay and suffering from AIDS earned her the love, respect and adoration the gay community. Doris and Rock remained close friends right up to his death in 1985.

Unfortunately, Doris’s off-screen relationships weren’t nearly as successful as her on-screen ones. She was married for the first time at age 17 to a musician who physically abused her and fathered her only son - Terry. She went on to marry three more times. Her second husband - who was also her manager - secretly stole $20 million from her which she only discovered after he died. Unflapped, she went back to work to replace the money she’d lost.

Her love of movies and music was matched only by her passion for animal rights - a cause she championed right up until her death.

Her incredible work in film and music earned her an Oscar nomination, numerous Golden Globes, the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. (She didn’t attend the ceremony in Washington D.C. because of her fear of flying).

While her blond hair and fresh face lit up the Silver Screen, Doris’s clear, honey-sweet voice sold millions of records including: “Que Sera Sera”, “It’s Magic”, “A Secret Love”, “Lullaby of Broadway” and so many more.

Doris was such an icon, she has TWO STARS on the Hollywood Walk of Fame - one for acting, one for singing. She was even referenced in songs by The Beatles, Billy Joel and Wham!

She was a true Hollywood legend who could do it all… Drama, Comedy & Song. Rest in Peace, Doris.

-Dick

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have named their newborn son Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.

- Archie has red hair and will attend Riverdale High.

- The baby was named for his Great Uncle - Perceval Alexander “Jughead” Jones.

*****

Dennis Rodman has been accused of helping a female companion shoplift hundreds of dollars of workout clothes from a California Yoga Studio.

- Dennis is a regular. He’s trying to get in shape to fit in his next wedding dress.

*****

Meat Loaf broke his collarbone after falling off the stage at an event in Texas.

- The injury forced Meatloaf to cancel his upcoming tour with the Black Eyed Peas and Bread.

*****

A group of “Exorcist Specialists” have gathered in Rome to exchange the best practices for getting rid of demons.

- In Liberal circles the practice is known as “Impeachment”.

*****

Norway's new Health Minister says she doesn’t want to be the "moral police", adding “I believe people should be allowed to smoke, drink and eat as much red meat they want.”

- Finally! A politician that embodies American values. Too bad she’s in Norway.

- Health Advocates said “We can’t aFjord her irresponsible policies”.

*****

NASA is “Preparing” for a Gigantic Asteroid known as “The God of Chaos” that will come close to Earth in 2029.

- How do you “Prepare” for a Gigantic Asteroid?? Whatever you do… DON’T do what the Dinosaurs did.

*****

On this day in 1502 Christopher Columbus left Spain on his fourth and final trip to the New World.

- Who could ever forget the rhyme we ALL learned in elementary school: “IN 1502… COLUMBUS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE”. When my 2nd Grade teacher Mrs. Tennent corrected me, I said “So I’m off by 10 years. Big deal.” She gave me a “D”. (But she still gave me the lead role in the school play “Peter Rabbit” - True!!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump is firing back at The New York Times over a report that said his tax figures from 1985 through 1994 showed business losses of more than $1 billion.

- Trump responded… “And then in ‘95 I got out of the Red… and into the Orange! BTW… Thanks to my Stylist for Making My Hair Look Great Again!!!”

*****

A woman in Nevada left Joe Biden speechless when she yelled “You can hug and kiss me anytime, Joe!”

- And I always thought Nancy Pelosi had a thing for Bernie Sanders. Boy was I wrong.

*****

Harry & Meghan showed off their newborn baby boy to the public this morning… then headed to the Palace to introduce the baby to his Grandma, Queen Elizabeth.

- In keeping with Royal Tradition the Queen sat on her Throne and the Baby pooped his pants.

*****

An attorney who describes herself as a “Queer, Feminist Mermaid” has announced she’s running to become a U.S. Senator from Maine.

- She wouldn’t be the first Half-Human to get a job in Washington.

- This makes perfect sense to me! Maine is right by the ocean so she’ll have a short swim to the office everyday.

*****

A woman was arrested for trespassing at CIA Headquarters and asking to see “Agent Penis.”

- The Secret Service agents said that the man who they know as “Agent Penis” was out of town on a speaking tour with his wife Hillary.

*****

Police in Pennsylvania arrested two women who stole $21,000 worth of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret.

- Police had deduced that they were “Armed, Dangerous & MARRIED”… since none of the stolen bras and panties matched.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Jeff Bezos and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez were spotted together having dinner at an NYC restaurant.

- His divorce left him down to only $1,050,000,000… So they went Dutch.

*****

“Game of Thrones” is being mocked after someone accidentally left a Starbucks cup on a table during a scene in Sunday night’s episode.

- The actress who was sitting right next to the cup, and didn’t mention it, will probably be WORKING at a Starbucks next week.

*****

Ticket prices for Bill and Hillary’s speaking tour have fallen more than 50% since the tour started last November with some seats selling for under 10 bucks.

- Why that’s just DEPLORABLE!!!

*****

Tiger Woods cried when Prez Trump presented him with the Presidential Medal of Freedom yesterday.

- Trump cried too… but that was when Tiger refused to let him try on his Green Jacket.

*****

According to a new poll, Joe Biden has a 32-point lead over his nearest competitor, Bernie Sanders.

- Joe said he can almost smell victory.

*****

Piers Morgan called out Kim Kardashian for wearing what he called a giant pair of “Spanx” to the Met Gala in NY last night.

- Kim was going to wear a Thong, but she had trouble tying her bedsheets together.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Got a Scepter!!! Meghan and Harry had a BABY BOY this morning… but haven’t announced his name yet.

- I don’t care what they call him as long as they don’t raise him “Gender Neutral”. He needs to know whether he’s a Prince or a Princess.

*****

Have you taken a “Belfie” yet??? It’s the new social media craze where you snap and post a pic of your butt from behind.

- Kim Kardashian sprained her arm trying to hold the camera far enough away to get everything in the picture.

*****

Country Horse was declared the winner of a CRAZY Kentucky Derby when the original winner, Maximum Security was disqualified for improperly changing lanes.

- The horse’s jockey appealed the decision, but he came up short.

- If car drivers were disqualified for improper lane changes there wouldn’t be a single car on 696.

*****

The White Wine industry is so outraged that smartphones have a Red Wine emoji but not one for white wine - they’re appealing to the “Emoji Board”.

- After the presentation, Board members will vote Yea or Chardo-Nay.

*****

Madonna says that the reason people aren’t buying her new album is because they’re “punishing” her for turning 60.

- That and the songs are terrible.

*****

There’s a new relationship trend, “Sologamy”, where people get married to themselves.

- Oh sure, it sounds like fun until you get to the Honeymoon part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

She’s 4 days past her due date and oddsmakers in London say that while “Elizabeth” and “Diana” are good bets if Prince Harry and his wife Meghan have a girl… there’s a new name gaining traction: “Allegra”.

- Well that’s nothing to sneeze at.

- Insiders say the baby’s official name would be “Allegra Zyrtec Claritin Mucinex Flonase… of Sussex”.

*****

A professor at Oxford University claims that aliens are already breading with humans on earth.

- I won’t believe it until I see the Paternity Test results on Maury Povich.

*****

Speaking of Aliens… Larry King is said to be resting comfortably after emergency heart surgery.

- You’d have heart problems too if you had 7 ex-wives.

*****

A new survey found that one in four Americas say they have no one to confide in.

- Buy an Alexa! She’ll listen to everything you say… Even when you’re not talking to her. (As proof, as I was typing those words, my Alexa came on and for some reason gave me the weather for Farmington Hills. No joke!)

*****

'The Mueller Report' is now officially a best-seller with just under 42,000 copies purchased online last week.

- It’s available on Amazon in both the Fiction and Non-Fiction sections… depending if your a Democrat or a Republican.

*****

It’s official! Fox Entertainment says that Jussie Smollett will NOT appear on the upcoming season of “Empire”.

- At last… I can finally sleep at night.

- Jussie can always get work as a Stuntman. He’s good at falling down when someone is paid to pretend-hit him.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

88 year old Warren Buffet who’s worth $87.3 BILLION says he drinks five cans of Coca-Cola a day, eats McDonald’s chicken nuggets at least three times a week and loves Dairy Queen for dessert.

- So Warren is just like a lot of American men… except for the $87.3 BILLION part.

*****

The TSA in Alaska announced that it’s legal to board a flight with a large quantity of Moose Excrement.

- So I CAN’T travel with more than 3.4 ounces of shampoo… but I CAN pack a boatload of Moose Poop? Fantastic.

*****

Oprah said she quit “60 Minutes” because it wasn’t a “good fit” and producers made her practice how to say her own name because it sounded “too emotional”.

- You want “emotional”? Wait til the Producers find out she’s NOT giving them all a free car as a parting gift.

*****

Anthony Weiner is reportedly shopping a Tell-All book.

- Well, it’ll be more of a “Show-All” book.

- We all knew Weiner would Pop-Up again eventually.

*****

A survey by TotalJobs found that - in order to eliminate “inappropriate touching” - three out of four people want ALL physical contact banned at work - including handshakes.

- Does that include the traditional “Good Job!” handshake you get from the boss in lieu of a raise?

*****

A Florida woman was arrested after she posted naked pics of a man’s private parts on all of HIS social media accounts and demanded money to take the photos down.

- He could have avoided the whole thing if he hadn’t taken his PANTS down.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick