White Smoke From Joint Leads People To Believe Willie Nelson Elected Pope!

This morning, on day two of the Papal Conclave, the Cardinals sent a message that they had not come to a decision by sending up a puff of black smoke from the Sistine Chapel. 

- In related news, a puff of white smoke was seen coming out of Willie Nelson’s tour bus signaling a new member will be inducted into the Grand Ole Opry’s Hall of Fame. 

***** 

Nostradamus predicted that this will be the last Pope. 

- He also predicted that Jimmy Fallon will soon replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show. 

***** 

Dennis Rodman announced that he’ll be heading back to North Korea this summer to vacation with his BFF Kim Jong Un. 

- They’ll do the usual stuff… swim, camp out, and aim nuclear missiles at the U.S. 

***** 

Saudi Arabia may stop beheadings because there is a shortage of swordsmen. 

- Heads are gonna roll over this decision.

- Apparently nobody wants the job because all you get is severance pay. 

**** 

Ken - of Ken and Barbie - celebrates his 52nd Birthday today.   

- As a birthday gift to himself, Ken is having one of those walk-in bathtubs installed in the Malibu Dream House. 

***** 

According to a new study, sperm is healthiest in late winter and early spring.

- Apparently that’s when most of them sign up for swimming lessons at the Y. Or is it the X? 

- It was also announced that most of the sperm exercise, while listening to Paul Simons, “Mama Don’t Take My Chromosomes Away!”  

***** 

A recent study found that half of Americans are NOT saving for retirement. 

- Of course, saving for retirement is easier if you actually have a job. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll be back here tomorrow with another Prison Letter from my favorite convicted fellon, K. Kilpatrick! 

-Dick

Kwame Pens A Letter In The Pen...

Dear Abby, 

Tossed and turned all last night wondering if I should write to you. (Or it could have been my cell mate Bubba’s snorin’ that kept me up…I’m not sure.)

First a fashion question…Is orange a hot color this season? And if so, do I look good in it? 

Now, let me back up a bit… (not something I recommend if you’re ever in the hooscow). Yesterday, in a total miscarriage of justice, I was convicted of a couple, uh, a few, well…24 federal charges that I swear on my father’s grave I’m not guilty of. 

Okay…my father is technically alive, but I could have killed him yesterday when he skated off with only ONE Guilty verdict. Let me tell you, he did a whole lot more than file a false tax return… but I’ll save that for another letter. 

Here’s what happened:  The Evil Feds coerced the stupid jury into believing that I did a lot of criminal stuff for “my personal gain”. And then to make matters even more unjust, the chick Judge opened a can of whoop ass on me, and ordered that I go to jail until I’m sentenced. 

Apparently she thinks I’m a flight risk. C’mon! Just cuz I happen to have some “associates” with private planes and untold millions hidden in off-shore accounts… She done treated me like a common criminal. I don’t mean to Brag, but I am no “Common Criminal”. I was the MAYOR OF THE CITY OF DETROIT!!!!!

The bottom line is (another term I’ve learned you don’t throw around in the slammer) I was hopin’ that you, my Dear, Dear Abby - and your readers - can see from this letter that I am a good, honest former Mayor. And I’d like to ask you a teensy weensy favor…

Is there anyway you could shoot off a text to the Judge and try to get this mistake cleared up? (Or at the very least, arrange for some conjugal visits? There’s this one girl named Christine that I know would be more than willing to bump uglies with me…)

Well, I gotta go… Time for a strip seach and then off to the prison tattoo artist for an estimate! 

Please respond A.S.A.P.! BTW… if YOU need money, I’ll get you hooked up…

Yours, 

Wrongly Convicted in Detroit

*****

Have a great day and we’ll have another Prison letter from “The Kwaminator” tomorrow… (One of my ex-sons-in-law works in the Prison Mail Room.)

-Dick

G...G-U-I-L-T-Y, You Ain't Got No Alibi! YOU GUILTY!!!!!

Kwame and his BFF and co-conspirator Bobby Ferguson found guilty of most Federal Charges including the Big One — RICO — Racketeering Influenced and Corrupt Organization.

KWAME: 24 GUILTY, 3 Not Guilty and 3 No Verdict.

BOBBY: 9 GUILTY (including RICO, Bribery and Extortion)

BERNARD (Daddy) KILPATRICK: 1 GUILTY - (filing false tax return) 

*****  

Cardinals at the Vatican are beignning their Conclave to pick the next Pope, and there is a social media blackout to keep them from being influenced by the Internet.  

- Vatican officials have however, invited Simon Cowell to come in and judge the singing portion of “The Pope’s Got Talent”.  

- Now “Angry Birds” will be called “Angry Cardinals”. 

***** 

In Rome, Swiss guards caught an imposter dressed as a cardinal who tried to join the conclave.

- I guess Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is already bored with his retirement.

- If he just hadn’t worn his secret pair of red shoes no one would have noticed!

***** 

Employees of Weight Watchers are complaining that about their wages. 

- Apparently, they’re not happy about the number they see on the Pay Scale. 

***** 

An Indian man posted a photo of his tattoo of the Netflix logo on Twitter, and Netflix gave him a free year’s subscription. 

- Kinda like when Anthony Weiner posted pix of his nether regions on Twitter…and got a free supply of Exxxtends for men. 

***** 

ABC News reported on a man in Florida who has a collection of over 2 thousand dolls. 

- There’s a guy in California named “Hugh” something who collects dolls as well, but his are alive and contain a lot more plastic. 

***** 

President Obama’s older half-brother Malik Obama want to become President of Kenya. 

- Donald Trump immediately demanded to see his Kenyan Birth Certificate!

*****

Demi Moore is asking Ashton Kucher to pay her alimony. 

- Of course she’ll have to keep paying Ashton’s parents Child Support. 

*****

Have a good day (at least you know it’s going to better that Kwame’s) and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #76: "The Life Of P.I."

Welcome to the weekend… and a brand new Podcast (#76). Today Jackie and I welcome a gentlemen to the table who has a rather interesting and very unusual profession. Think Humphrey Bogart… (No not as a River Boat Captain in the African Queen) but as a Private Eye. A Private Dick. A Gumshoe, if you will.

If you ever wondered if P.I.’s still exist…THEY DO…and that’s what our guest Tim Lennon does for a living. 

From Insurance Fraud cases, to middle-of-the-night visits to plant high-tech gear capable of tracking a cheating spouse ANYWHERE, to plain old fashioned leg-work…Tim does it all. And he shares some great stories - including one about a rather “amorous” couple he filmed “getting acquainted” in a car outside a restaurant. Once discovered, they drove like a bat out of hell out of the parking lot, drove a few blocks and continued to “getting acquainted” even better. Tim followed ‘em…and managed to videotape them “in the act” (so to speak) AGAIN ten minutes later. 

And with St. Patrick’s Day coming up, the full-blooded Irishman tells how he and his family celebrate the holiday (Let’s just say St. Patrick is more important to the Lennon’s than St. Nicholas) - and the way he starts his celebration every year. (It’s involves his late father, lots of cold beer, and a cemetery!) 

We also “Pontificate” if you will, on whether Priests should be allowed to get married…my kids being baptized by a pony-tail wearing, motorcycle driving, man-of-the-cloth…and lots of other stuff!

And we reveal the rather bizarre and intriguing way Jackie and Tim met… and how several years later, they ended up in a relationship of their own. 

So dust off your shamrocks and tune into Podcast #76… and if you feel like your being watched, well, you never know… 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #76: “The Life Of P.I.”

Dennis Rodman: Miracle Worker! NOT!

Just a week after Dennis Rodman’s “peace mission” to North Korea, after which he announced that dictator Kim Jong Un is a “great guy”, that he “loves him”, and that Un “doesn’t want do war”, North Korea announced that their plans call for firing a pre-emptive nuclear missile strike against the U.S. 

- If it’s true, it’s certainly gonna put a kink in their “Bromance”. 

***** 

The head of Russia’s Communist Party is calling for a “world wide investigation” into the Cancer death of Hugo Chavez earlier this week. He says it’s “no coincidence” that the leaders of 6 Latin countries known for criticizing the US have been diagnosed with cancer. 

- Wow! We are WAY more powerful than I thought! 

- Notice he blames America for their illnesses, but Vladimir Putin gets all the credit for giving himself six-pack abs. 

***** 

To prevent the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA Director - and President Obama’s proposed policy of using drones to kill Americans on American soil, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul did an old-fashioned filibuster. He talked for almost 12 hours. He wasn’t allowed to sit down or even leave the room to go to the bathroom. 

- He just droned on and on…

- The last time a politician went 12 hours with out going to the bathroom was Joe Biden. He misunderstood the rules of the White House “Texas Hold ‘Em” poker tournament. 

***** 

For the second time, a Congressional hearing into Global Warming was cancelled due to heavy snow. 

- Well if heavy snow in Washington in March isn’t a sure sign of Global Warming I don’t know what is! 

***** 

Justin Bieber was booed at a concert in London for showing up two hours late. 

- Apparently somebody’s afternoon nap ran a little long.

***** 

Carrie Fisher has signed on to appear in an upcoming Star Wars movie. She’ll reprise her role as “Princess Leia” the romantic interest of “Han Solo” - who Harrison Ford has already signed on to play again. 

- They’ll still be involved, but in the new movie, Harrison will have to take Viagra to get his Light Sabre to work. 

- In a related story, Michael Moore has expressed an interest in playing “Jabba the Hut”. 

*****

On this day in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell was awarded a patent for the telephone.

- Texters were amazed to find out you could actually use your phone to TALK to someone! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast involving a guest who has a VERY INTERESTING occupation! 

-Dick

"Oh Boy! Looks Like It's A Girl!"

Kate Middleton is denying that she tipped-off the sex of the baby she’s expecting when a woman handed her a white teddy bear. Kate responded, “Oh, is this for our d…? Thank you so much!”

- When my wife Gail was pregnant, I made the same “slip of the tongue”… Turns out I was right all SIX times. 

- This means there could be another Queen in Englands future…in addition to Elton John.

***** 

Sharp-tongued Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez died Tuesday at the age of 58 and will be laid to rest on Friday.  

- Sean Penn is said to be inconsolable. 

- I wonder if Chavez was surprised when he got to Hell and found out the Devil didn’t look anything like George Bush? 

- Well there go Dennis Rodman’s plans for dinner and a movie with Hugo. 

*****

Experts have concluded that static electricity is to blame for the Hindenburg disaster which happened 76 years ago. 

- It took them 76 years to figure this out? 

- This is why I never wear socks when I go on blimp rides over New Jersey. 

- Somebody forget to stock the Hindenburg Laundry Room with sheets of Bounce.

 *****

Warren Buffet dropped out of the top three on Forbes list of the world’s richest people. 

- What a loser! 

- Buffet was allegedly so depressed, he’s moved down to Margaritaville to stay with his brother Jimmy for a while. 

***** 

A University of Munster study found that having sex can be a partial or complete cure for headaches. 

- The study was made possible by a grant from every married man on the planet. 

***** 

Psychology Today reports that the most popular place for people to find love at first sight is Wal-Mart. 

- This explains why the Wal-Mart sign was in all of Brad and Angelina’s wedding photos.  

- It makes sense…You put guns, beer, stretch pants and two lonely people in one room and somethings bound to happen! 

***** 

On this date in 1836, the battle of the Alamo took place. 

- It was the beginning of America’s long debate over Immigration. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

"When Are You Gonna Come See The Un-Baby???"

North Korea has finally confirmed the long-standing rumor that North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un’s wife gave birth their first child late last year. Experts believe it’s a girl, because the birth of a boy would have been announced immediately. 

- The baby allegedly has her mother’s eyes and her father’s desire to destroy America. 

- Not suprisingly, it was a short labor. 

***** 

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un’s new BFF Dennis Rodman told ABC News that KJ “wants President Obama to call him”. Rodman added that despite all his missile talk, the diminutive dictator said, “Dennis, I don’t want do war.”

- Obama said he’s not ready to call Kim Jong Un, but he would accept a friend request from him on Facebook. 

*****

The CIA admitted that as of now, Dennis Rodman knows more about Kim Jong Un than any other American - including government officials. 

- I think that info will have millions of Americans sleeping better tonight. 

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis wrote an editorial in the Huffington Post about how offended she was by Seth MacFarlane’s joke and his “We Saw Your Boobs” song at the Oscars. 

- Newsflash Jamie! We DID see your boobs in “Trading Places”

- Wait until she see’s his new video, “We Saw On TV That You Have Intestinal Issues!”

*****

Experts say that if you exercise at any time of the day, it can help you get to sleep at night. 

- My favorite time to work out is around 3am when I’m tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. 

*****

Researchers from the University of California and Spain report that on average, women’s brains are 8% smaller than men’s brains, but they’re organized more efficiently. 

- The women’s brains are also dusted, vacuumed and have a special closet just for thoughts about shoes. 

- The study could be a bit off since we all know that men lie about the size of their…brains. 

***** 

Friends of Nadya Suleman, The Octomom, say she’s been exhibiting bizarre behavior lately. 

- Case in point: She hasn’t been artificially inseminated in months! 

*****

A German study found that pessimists live longer. 

- Well that ought to give them something to be optomisitic about! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

They Call 'em "Not So Mellow Yellow"...Quite Rightly!

With Michigan’s 58-57 win over Michigan State Sunday, the two teams evened up their basketball rivalry with one win apiece! Great game…but what was up with the Wolverines’ yellow shoes!? As they ran up and down the court, they looked like really tall glasses of Mountain Dew!

***** 

National Procrastination week starts today.

- The Kwame Kilpatrick jury starting celebrating this two weeks ago. 

***** 

The Hollywood Reporter is saying that Jay Leno is going to be doing his final Tonight Show soon and will be replaced by Jimmy Fallon. 

- Oscar host Seth MacFarlane is already recording a piece for the last show called “We Saw Your Chin!”. 

***** 

Charlie Sheen said he would like to be Lindsay Lohan’s mentor. 

- If only he knew something about car wrecks, doing Cocaine, and getting busted by the cops! 

Sheen denies, however that he and Lindsay are involved in a romantic relationship. 

- Actually they’ve been dating for six months, but neither one of them remembers it. 

***** 

Al Qaeda issued a list of 22 ways that al Qaeda members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. 

- Their number one suggestion is to make sure you blow yourself up first. 

***** 

Kim Kardashian is reportedly displaying her baby bump to quell rumors that she’s faking her pregnancy.

- If it is real, by her ninth month Kanye West won’t be able to tell if she’s coming or going.

***** 

On this day in 1809, James Madison became the first US President inaugurated in American-made clothes. 

- On this day in 1817 his succesor, James Monroe, began the time-honored tradition of U.S. Presidents being inaugurated in clothes made in China, purchased at WalMart. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #75: "Rodman Puts The 'Madness' in March And Other Bizarre Stuff!"

Welcome to the weekend, the month of March, and a brand new Podcast - my 75th! Today Jackie re-joins me at my dining room table (along with my wife Gail!) for a look at what’s up in the news. And when it comes to topics, our cups definitely runneth over… (And I’m not just talking about the “We Saw Your Boobs” song and dance number delivered by Seth MacFarlane at the Oscars.)

There’s the Pope’s official retirement (Rumor has it he was wearing Golf shoes under his robe when he got on the helicopter) to the hot new word in Washington: “Sequester”. (Apparently it’s not just for Jury’s anymore). 

We also offer up our theories on why the US Postal Service is planning a line of “Postal Wear” for purchase by the general public. (Jackie and Gail give the feminine take, while I offer up the “Mail” opinion.) 

And you won’t want to miss our in-depth coverage of former Piston “Bad-Boy” Dennis Rodman’s trip to hang out in North Korea with Kim Jung Un to help bring “peace” between our two nations. Relations between the two countries might still be strained… but apparently Dennis has developed “feelings” for Kim Jong Un and actually “Loves the guy!!!” (Hey…it’s probably less dangerous to his health than dating Madonna was). 

We’ll also tell you about a new scientific theory that claims 72 is the new 30, explain why Robin is no longer having a “gay old time” with Batman, and - as we always somehow manage to do - reveal more little-known facts about Hitler. Trust me, it’s a ball! 

So sit back, and join us as we “March” towards Spring with a “Pope-Pourri” of topics in Podcast #75!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #75 (26:30)

Hurray! Hurray! It's Another Snow Day!

Of course schools aren’t the only things affected by Mother’s Nature…

- The “Sip & Strip” in Southgate has changed it’s name just for today to the “Sip, SLIP & Strip!”.

- Denny’s reports that they’re Pepper Shakers are full…but the Salt shakers have all been emptied to clear the sidewalks.

- The “Beer, Barf & Bowl” is on a two hour delay due to slippery condition in one of the lanes. 

*****

Michelle Obama is appearing in two new comercials with Big Bird to promote healthy eating. 

- I guess she wants us all to go on the “Super Model Diet” and “eat like a bird”. 

- The way the economy is going, we’ll all end up eating out of a garbage can like Oscar the Grouch. 

*****

It was announced that after his retirement, Pope Benedict XVI will get to keep his white cossack, but he has to give up his red shoes and big ring. 

- Basically, didn’t the exact same thing happened to Bozo when he retired? 

Details about the Pope’s farewell ceremony are sketchy. 

- But I’m pretty positive it won’t include a song and dance number called “We Saw Your Boobs”. 

*****

The Blue Star Line cruise company is planning to launch an exact replica of the Titanic and call it Titanic 2. 

- For some reason I have a sinking feeling about this…

- The specialty in the Dining Room will be a wedge of Iceberg lettuce with blue cheese and bacon.  

- Look for “The Hindenburg II” coming to the skies over New Jersey soon! 

***** 

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany say that 72 is the new 30. 

- So at 86, Hugh Hefner is actually YOUNGER than his 26-year-old wife Crystal! 

- They also announced that scars from hip replacement surgery are the new “tatoos”. 

*****

Have a great day…and don’t forget to wear your “Stoshes Galoshes!”

-Dick

A "Pope-Pourri" Of Tantalizing Tidbits...

The Vatican has announced that following his retirement on Thursday, the Pope will be known as “Emeritus Pope” and will continue to wear his white cossack. 

- Apparently that whole “no white until after Memorial Day” doesn’t apply to the Pontiff. 

- “Emeritus Pope” sounds like a character in one of those British Films that critics love and I don’t understand. 

*****

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, the man who issued stern warnings to Americans agains drugs, cigarettes, fatty foods and unprotected sex has died at 96. 

- If only he’d followed his own advice he could have made it to 100.  

- His family wanted him creamated, but he said the smoke would be bad for them. 

***** 

Thefts of toilet paper have forced a library in Trenton, New Jersey to ration it by having the staff hand it out to library visitors who need to use the facilities. 

- Thus marking the first time in history people don’t have to be told to whisper when asking the librarian a question. 

- They got the idea from a library in England that uses the “Huey, Dewey & I Have To Go To The Loo-ie” decimal system. 

- The toilet paper is the only thing in the library that they don’t ask you to return. 

***** 

Kim Kardashian recently announced on her reality show that if she were a man, she like to have sex with…wait for it…HERSELF. 

- She also added that if the sex led to marriage, she would like totally make herself sign a pre-nup. 

Speaking of Kim and sex…the “Master Unedited Sex Tape” of her, kept locked in a Hollywood producer’s vault, almost when up in smoke when his office caught on fire over the weekend. 

- The producer managed to save Kim’s tape, but threw the Master copies of all of Eddie Murphy’s movies into the flames before firefighters arrived. (Except for “Beverly Hills Cop III”!)

***** 

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler told an Australian TV program that his cocaine addiction used to be so strong that he snorted half of Peru. 

- In an random act of kindness, he left the other half of Peru for Lindsay Lohan. 

***** 

Danica Patrick made history Sunday when she became the first woman driver to start the pole at a Sprint Cup Race. She had a shot at winning, but ended up coming in 8th. 

- If only she hadn’t stopped for directions! 

***** 

On this day in 1870, New York City’s first pneumatic-powered subway line was opened to the public. 

- And was shorted-out that afternoon when a guy peed on the tracks. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

What a Weekend!

First the Radiothon…then the Oscars. In my book, the real winners were all of you who donated so generously to the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon and the thousands of people who will be fed and sheltered with the $1.3 Million raised. As you heard on the Oscars so many times last night, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 

And now… on with the show!

*****

Seth MacFarlane, the creator “The Family Guy”, and two other currently running TV shows did a fabulous job as Emcee of the Academy Awards last night. He’s smart, clever, and funny - and on top of it, is good looking and is an accomplished singer and dancer. The whole thing had a nice “throw back” to “Old Hollywood”. MacFarlane’s jokes were edgy, but in my opinion, never crossed the line.

MacFarlane did cause quite a stir with a clever song and dance number - introduced by William Shatner as Captain Kirk who visited from the future - about actresses who have bared their tops in the movies. It was called, “We Saw Your Boobs” - and it didn’t go over too well with some of the actresses who were included in the song. 

- Apparently they don’t mind showing them on the big screen, but they’re offended by any one mentioning it on TV. 

- Hey…at least they didn’t give out an Award for “Best Plastic Surgeon”. 

*****

There was a great bit where he went to introduce Christopher Plummer - as Captain Von Trapp from “The Sound of Music”. When he annonced him name, they cut to a shot of double doors which no one came through. He tried again, saying “The Von Trapp Family Singers”, and again…no one showed up. Then, just like in the movie, a guy dressed as a Nazi ran through the doors and yelled, “They’re gone!” I don’t know if our junior readers got it, but I thought it was hysterical.

- That’s why he got paid so much “Do-Re-Mi” for hosting! 

*****

Daniel Day Lewis took home the Best Actor for his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln in “Lincoln”. 

- I know some of you haven’t seen the movie yet, so I won’t tell you how it ends.  

***** 

Anne Hathaway took home the best Actress Award for her role as Fantine in Les Miserables, in which she both acted and sang live. 

- When I saw the shabby haircut she sported in the movie, I thought for sure my barber Tom would be mentioned in the credits. 

***** 

The Award for Best Picture went to “Argo” and as a special surprise was announced by First Lady Michelle Obama. 

- Marco Rubio immediately followed with a Rebublican rebuttal claiming that “Lincoln” should have won. 

***** 

Barbra Streisand made her first appearance on the Oscars in 30 years when she sang and dedicated “The Way We Were” to the late great Marvin Hamlisch who won an Academy Award for it in 1974.  

- She also dedicated it to Jennifer Aniston and every actor in the room that she has dated or been engaged to in the last 5 years. 

*****

The movie “Life of Pi” was the big winner taking home 4 trophies. 

- It was inspired by Michael Moore’s eating habits. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

It's Radiothon Day!!!!!

Today’s the day! The 26th Annual Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon! Today’s 16-Hour event, live from the Oakland Mall from 6am to 10pm is THE fundraiser for a program that feeds more that 5000 men, women and children in the Metro-Detroit area 365 DAYS A YEAR! And it shelters over 400 people EVERY NIGHT! 

Hard to believe I started this Radiothon 26 years ago with the hope of raising a few hundred dollars. 26 years later…we’ve (thanks to you!) raised millions and have helped thousands and thousands of people who truly need our help.  

I invite you to join in as we broadcast live on 760 WJR and encourage you to donate now! 

A donation of $10 a month (that’s $120 a year) will feed ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!

If you can afford $20 a month ($240 for the year), that will feed TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. 

And donating couldn’t be easier… Just click on the “Donate Now” button on the left of this page, call 1-248-528-0760, or go to salmich.org. No matter how much you can afford - it will be welcomed with open arms and a grateful heart. And remember…every penny goes right to this vital feeding program. Not one cent is spent on administrative costs. 

Stop by the mall and say hi if you get the chance…or in addition to listening to the broadcast on 760 WJR, you can watch live streaming on wjr.com as well as Channel 4 and Channel 7’s websites! 

Please help us as we help those who need it the most!

Thanks for your many years of continued support…

-Dick 

Waking Up...

By Jackie Purtan - 2/21/2012

Imagine, just for a moment, that you are six years old again. It must be morning, because the faintest light of dawn sneaks it’s way through a tiny gap in the special “Dinosaur” curtains your mom made for your bedroom window. Gradually a sliver of sunshine inches across the floor and comes to rest on the T-Rex in the center of your matching “Dinosaur” quilt. The rumble in your stomach breaks the silence, reminding you that it’s time to head downstairs for breakfast; judging by the delicious scent in the air…pancakes and crispy bacon. You throw back the covers, and - still toasty warm in your “feetie pajamas”, grab your favorite stuffed animal and rush down the steps - two at a time - to the kitchen.

And then you wake up.

You’re still six… but you’re not warm at all, in fact you feel frozen to the bone. There are no special curtains and quilt, no feetie pajamas, no delicious smells tickling your nose. The only thing that’s the same is the rumble in your tummy.

You’re hungry. You’re cold. Gazing around, reality hits hard, like it has for more mornings than you can remember. And breakfast… well you’ll just have to wait until lunch.

You’re in the same clothes you wore yesterday - they’re ragged and dirty, but along with the threadbare blanket your Mom tucked you in with last night, you’re not as cold as you could be.

It’s not your Mom’s fault. Or your Dad’s. You’ve heard the words “ecomommy” and “drown- slizing” and although you don’t know what they mean exactly, you have a feeling it’s not a good thing. The one happy part is that your Dad is around a lot more now, since he lost his job.

But maybe that’s not really a happy thing. Cuz your parents whisper a lot, but they don’t know that you have Super Hero powers that give you Super-Sensitive Hearing. You’re powers are so strong that you can hear your mom cry - even when she tries to be quiet and buries her face in the stained shapeless thing she uses as a pillow.

You wish you had other powers. It would be cool to have X-Ray vision and even more awesome if you could fly. You’d put on your special cape and fly your Mom & Dad - and even your annoying baby brother and sister - to “The Planet HappEness”. That’s the place you dreamed up in your head where there’s plenty of food and clean clothes, and tears - but the happy kind, not the kind that come when you’re sad.

You squeeze your eyes shut super-duper tight and try to will yourself into becoming a Super Hero. But just like all the other times, when you open them, nothing has changed.

The hours go by slowly. Who knew it could take forever to get to lunchtime?

Finally, you hear it. The familiar horn honking. Everyone in the family scrambles to get to the door, and together you walk to the corner - heads held high because your Mom always says you have “nothing to be ashamed of - but plenty to be grateful for”.

And there it is. The bestest, coolest, most awesome thing you imagine you’ll ever see. The Salvation Army Bed & Bread truck. 

#####

Salvation Army Radiothon Just Two Days Away!!!

The Beta Tau branch of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity at the University of Michigan has been suspended after a series of photos featuring nearly nude frat members draped in American flags were sent out as party invitations to a sorority. 

- I have seen the future of America…and I’m terrified.

- Somebody should have run that idea up the flag pole before they ran it up the flag pole. 

- The last person to cover up his naked body with an American Flag was Bill Clinton when Hillary unexpectedly stopped by the Oval Office. 

 ***** 

President Obama warned that if sequestration cuts go through, prisoners around the country will be let out of jail. 

- It’s commonly known as “The Lindsay Lohan Prison Policy”. 

***** 

When President Obama returned from his weekend in Florida, the issue-minded White House Press Corps asked him if he had beaten Tiger Woods on the links. 

- So instead of the usual “softball questions” they asked him a “golf ball question”. 

- I remember back when Bill Clinton played with Tiger Woods and reportedly asked him for tips on using his putter. 

*****

Warren Buffett bought the Heinz company for $28 billion. 

- It sounds like a lot, but it’s actually just over $490 million for each of the 57 varieties. 

- Buffett says he always practices “safe investing” which is why he bought a whole bunch of condiments. 

***** 

Clara Cowell, a 102-year-old British woman who still lives on her own, announced that she’s finally given up cigarettes after 82 years of smoking. 

- She didn’t want to quit, but she just didn’t have the energy left to walk a mile for a Camel. 

*****

Medical experts are saying it’s not good to hold in your, um, gas on an airplane. They say it can cause bloating and discomfort. 

- Advice like that is how these guy end up making the big bucks.

- Suddenly sitting around a bunch of screaming kids who kick the back of your seat sounds pretty appealing. 

- I can just hear the flight attendant now… “Ladies and Gentlemen please fasten your seat belts as we’re about to experience some flatulence…”

***** 

New York news anchorman Rob Morrison was arrested for allegedly trying to strangle his wife, fellow anchor Ashley Morrison. The police report paints him as an angry, screaming drunk who watches porn on the internet. 

- But that’s only when he isn’t delivering the news about other angry, screaming drunks who try to kill their wives after watching porn on the Internet. 

*****

REMINDER: We’re just two days away from the 26th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! This Radiothon is the sole fundraiser to support this vital program that feeds 5,000 men women & children in our area 365 days a year! And it shelters over 400 people a night! 

I’ll be back behind the mic THIS FRIDAY, Feb 22, from 6am to 10pm as we broadcast live from the Oakland Mall. A donation of $10 a month (that’s just $120 dollars a year) will FEED ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and earns you membership in the “Bed & Bread Club”. A donation of $20 a month (that’s $240 for the year) FEEDS TWO PEOPLE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR! 

If you’d like to donate now, just go to salmich.org or call 1-248-528-0760. Operators are already on duty!

Feel free to stop by the Mall anytime during the 16-Hour Event, listen to it as we broadcast live on 760 WJR, or watch live streaming on WJR, as well as Channel’s 2, 4, & 7.

It’s hard to believe we started the Radiothon 26 years ago - but what’s even harder to believe is the thousands and thousands of lives that have been changed by your generosity. I know times are tough, but if you have a roof over your head and a way to feed yourself and your family, please help us out. I guarantee you’ll be glad you did!

Thanks in advance!

-Dick  

"You Can Lead A Senator To Water...But Should He Drink?"

Some pundits believe Marco Rubio’s awkward pause for a drink of water during his State of the Union rebuttal could impact his future political aspirations. 

- Apparently the Government doesn’t like people drinking…unless it the Kool-Aid they’re handing out. 

- Stopping to drink during speeches never hurt Ted Kennedy’s career! 

*****

Stanford University geneticist Dr. Gerald Crabtree says he believes that the human race is slowly becoming dumber and dumber. 

- But with every new reality show…we’re getting dumber faster and faster.

- I believe they already made a documentary about this starring Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels.

- Dr. Crabtree says the “dumbest person on the planet” could possibly be born the day Kim Kardashian gives birth to Kanye West’s baby.  

***** 

Office Max and Office Depot are reportedly planning to merge. 

- There’s only one thing that could make those two companies join together: Staples. 

*****

A Nestle spokesman said that the complaint of glass in their Lean Cuisine dinners is unusual because their factories have a “no glass” policy. 

- But they did note that “glass is very low in calories and has no sat fat!”

- On the bright side, having a slow bleed from a piece of glass in your digestive system really speeds up weight loss! 

- This explains why “Windex” is listed as an ingredient in the sauce on their glazed chicken. 

*****

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are starting their own wine business. 

- I guess since their attempts at world peace failed, they decided to just get drunk and forget about it. 

- In related news, Manti Te’o and his imaginary dead girlfriend are opening their own dating website. 

***** 

Rhianna debuted her first fashion line, but critics called her clothes “hideous” and like a “horror show”. 

- Hey…at least she’s getting hit by the critics and not Chris Brown. 

***** 

NOTE: Don’t forget to remember that the 26th annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up THIS FRIDAY, Feb 22nd, from 6am to 10pm. I’ll be back behind the mic for the entire 16 hour broadcast which will air and be streamed live from the Oakland Mall on 760 WJR.

As many of you know, this Radiothon is the only fundraiser for the Bed & Bread Program which feeds over 5000 men, women & children every day, 365 days a year. It also provides shelter for over 400 Metro-Detroiters every night of the year. Your donation of $10 a month - that’s just $120 a year - FEEDS ONE PERSON FOR ENTIRE YEAR! You can donate right now by going to salmich.org or calling 1-248-528-0760. 

Every penny raised goes right to those who need it the most. 

Thanks so much for your support and I hope you’ll stop by the Oakland Mall, or tune in at 760 WJR. You can also watch it all unfold as it’s streamed live on WJR, plus Channels 2, 4, & 7. 

-Dick

President's Day Today...Radiothon Friday!

It’s President’s Day…and only 4 more before the Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon! (Details below!)

- As is tradition, Bill Clinton will celebrate by having one of his interns deliver a pizza. 

***** 

US Airways and American Airlines are finalizing a deal to merge and create the world’s largest airline. 

- So you can look forward to a new $50 “Merger Fee” every time you fly. 

- To celebrate, passengers who fly either airline this week will get a FREE 1/2 can of pop and a pretzel.  

***** 

Facebook admitted that last month an unidentified hacker group broke into their servers, but they didn’t get any customer information. 

- Really? Then how come I got a friend request from Kim Jong Un? 

- AND an invitation to his upcoming “Missile Launch Party”? 

***** 

A Florida couple admitted to the show “Strange Addictions” that they are addicted to daily coffee enemas. 

- TIP: If this couple asks you over for coffee…SAY NO!

- This gives a whole new meaning to getting your coffee “To Go”. 

- It also gives new meaning to “Good To The Last Drop!”

- As they say, “The best part of waking up, is Folger’s in your butt!” 

***** 

The Vatican says that there will be no farewell party for the Pope when he steps down on February 28th. 

- Darn! I’ll bet they would have had some awesome party hats! 

- Of course they could just be saying that to keep the “Pope-a-razzi” from showing up. 

- The “Vatican City Chuck E. Cheese” says with the “Private Party” now cancelled, they’ll be open to the public as usual. 

***** 

Lady Gaga cancelled the rest of her tour and will undergo hip surgery. 

- Her doctors said they’re confident a nice strip steak will cover the scar. 

***** 

Latino Review reports that 70-year-old Harrison Ford has finally agreed to play Han Solo again in one of the new “Star Wars” movies. 

- He’s apparently a little confused because he kept muttering, “Luke, I am your Grandfather, right?”. 

- This movie will be slightly different as Han won’t be allowed to drive his spaceship at night. 

*****

It’s almost here! This Friday, Feb 22nd is the 26 Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon. The Salvation Army relies soley on the money raised during this 16-Hour Event to provide over 5000 meals to men, women and children in Metro Detroit 365 days a year. The program also shelters over 400 people a night. I invite you to join the “Bed & Bread Club” by donating $10 a month (that’s $120 for the year) which feeds ONE PERSON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR! 

To donate to this vital program, go to salmich.org or call 248-528-0760! Phones are up and running now with operators on duty to take your donation! 

You can also join yours truly live at the Oakland Mall Friday from 6am to 10pm. I’ll be on stage and behind the mic for the whole event which will be broadcast and streamed live on 760 WJR! Channels 2, 4, & 7 will also have live streaming!

Thanks in advance for your support and if you get a chance, stop by the Mall Friday and say hello! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #74: "Daughter-Swapping, Burnt Popcorn, and The Bed & Bread Club Radiothon...Oh My!"

JoAnne, Adam & Lauren stop by the set of ABC’s “World News Tonight with Diane Sawyer” before heading over to Carnagie Hall!Welcome to the weekend and a brand new Podcast! Today I swapped out daughter #2 (Jackie) for daughter #4 (JoAnne) and her kids Lauren (12) and Adam (9). JoAnne’s not only a Mom, she’s a news anchor for Channel 7 Action News. We’ll have more of that story after the break…

No wait…that’s TV talk. And since this is just a Podcast, JoAnne reveals how she feels about watching tapes of herself delivering the news. I also tell you how Jackie and I feel about listening to old radio air-checks of ourselves on my morning show. (Hint: It ranks right up there with a colonoscopy…so to speak!) 

Performers have differing opinons on the topic… For instance, Johnny Carson watched every one of his shows to “review” his performance, while sidekick Ed McMahon refused to watch himself. He said he was afraid he would over-think what he did on the show. (I think the only thing he needed to overthink was his decision to do those commercials for the walk-in-bathtubs - and the mortgage fiasco that left him “washed up” financially!)

Then, fresh off scoring 4 goals in his Pee Wee Roller Hockey game, Adam joins us to talk about…well, whatever 9-year-old-boys talk about, and Lauren fills us in on the fascinating life of a “Tween”. Both kids recently took a bite out of the “Big Apple” when JoAnne took them to NYC to watch their dad (her husband) perform in a choir at Carnagie Hall. (Before we started recording, I asked Adam if he knew how to get to Carnagie Hall. He said, “Yeah, you take a cab.”) 

We also go public with a Purtan Family secret: JoAnne’s complete lack of cooking skills. (She can’t even microwave a bag of popcorn without the fire department showing up!)

And speaking of “heating things up” I’ll tell you how in my teenage years, I somehow managed to mix-up the party games “Spin the Bottle” and “Post Office”. (Little wonder that no girls ever swooned over my declaration that “Neither snow, nor rain, nor dark of night will keep me from kissing you in the closet). 

And with weather on our minds, JoAnne tells us “weather” Channel 7 Meteorologist Dave Rexroth is more “real” on TV or in person. 

We cap off the Podcast with a visit from Dale Johnson, my right-hand man who served as producer of my annual Radiothon for the Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club. This year’s event is coming up on Friday, Feb. 22, live from the Oakland Mall from 6am to 10pm and broadcast on 760 WJR.  

Once again, Dale will be there all morning/day/evening long - as will I. On the Podcast, Dale gives you all the info on the Bed & Bread Club that feeds and shelters thousand of Metro-Detroiter’s 365 days a year. 

As you know…I’m quite passionate about the program and hope you will join us or tune in sometime during the 16-hour event! 

So microwave some popcorn (just don’t ask JoAnne to do it), sit back, and take a listen to Podcast #74!

Have a great weekend!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #74  (45:43)

Love Is In The Air...

Ah…Valentine’s Day! Hearts…Flowers…Chocolates… It doesn’t matter what you do for that special someone in your life…Just make sure you do something! They don’t call it the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre for nothing! 

Valentine’s Day always makes me think of the great romantic couples through out history…

- Antony & Cleopatra

- Napoleon & Josephine

- Bogie & Bacall

- Kwame & Christine 

and my all time favorite…

- Manti Te’o & his imaginary deceased girlfriend. If those two crazy kids can’t make love work, who can? 

In honor of the big day, I decided to post two romantic and musical videos. One features the late, great Guy Marks singing “Loving You Has Made Me Bananas” - The song I used on my Comedy Special on Channel 4. (Unfortunately, you might remember me dancing around Belle Isle dressed as Detroit-Discoverer Antione de Cadillac…but the lryics are funny). 

Then on a more personal note, I invite you to watch as Regis Philbin convinces my wife Gail to sing a love song to ME. It happened a few years back at Andiamo’s in Warren. 

Enjoy the videos and I wish you a Valentine’s Day full of romance. Speaking of which, I’m off to the gas station to get one of those fake-roses-on-a-stick. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#74)

-Dick

Last Night It Was State Over UofM, and "State of the Union" Over An Hour...

There were a lot of hostile looks and elbowing at last night’s big event…

- …The same was true at the UofM/MSU basketball game. (Score: MSU 75 - Uof M 52) 

***** 

President Obama’s “State of the Union” speech lasted almost exactly an hour and had a lot of people on the edge of their seats. 

- With Biden and Boehner behind the Prez, it was like watching two of the Seven Dwarfs… “Happy & Grumpy”. 

- Boehner looked like the guy in the commercial BEFORE he takes Ex-Lax. 

***** 

At the end of his speech, Obama recognized a woman in the audience who waited in line for six hours to cast her vote in the Presidential election. She’s 102 years old. 

- She said she was thrilled with the accolade but ticked off that she waited six hours to vote and all of her dead friends in Chicago voted absentee.  

***** 

Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent. 

- Most Catholics give up things like alcohol or sweets. The Pope decided to give up his job. 

- He’s already got a new job lined up: He’s going to be a Catholic School “Crossing Guard”!  

*****

The British Royal family is upset that the paparazzi got photos of Princess Kate Middleton pregnant and in a bikini.

- They were even more embarrassed by the photos of Prince Charles in a Speedo.  

*****

REMINDER: The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is a week from this Friday, Feb. 22nd. Every penny raised during the 16-Hour event goes to feed over 5000 men, women and children everyday, 365 days a year, and provides shelter for more than 800 Metro-Detroiters every night. I hope you’ll join me live at the Oakland Mall or tune in anytime from 6am to 10pm on 760 WJR!

Many thanks in advance for your support!

-Dick