Pope Too Pooped To Pope!

The Pope’s sudden announcement that he is stepping down at the end of February has left Catholics and just about everyone else in shock. 

- On the day of his departure, everyone at the Vatican will be treated to a farewell breakfast featuring “Eggs Benedict”.

 - Word is he’s going to write a tell-all…fortunately, it’ll be in Latin so no one has to worry what he’s “telling all” about.   

- He’s been tapped to host a new reality singing show: “American’s Who Don’t Worship False Idols”. 

- Those who upset about his resignation are referring to him as: “Pope Benedict Arnold”. 

*****

President Obama gives his State of the Union Address tonight. 

-  In order to reach out to weapon-owning Americans, the speech will open with a 21-gun salute. 

- Obama is said to be nervous about the speech, but is “thrilled” that Beyonce will be singing during half-time between the President’s address and the Republican re-buttal. 

***** 

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is bragging that he wants to test a nuclear missile - and will aim it directly at America. 

- Given his track record with missile launches, the boosters will be filled with rocket fuel and thousands of Viagra tablets. 

***** 

Today is Abe Lincoln’s birthday. 

- If he were alive today, I’ll bet his wife Mary Todd would treat him to dinner and tickets to a broadway show. 

- Who knew he was born on Paczki Day in 1809? 

*****

A poll shows that a majority of Americans are against drone attacks on U.S. Soil. 

- Unless they’re aimed at Kim Kardashian’s house. 

***** 

Frozen food manufacturer Findus recalled Lasagna in the UK after it was found to contain a significant amount of horsemeat. 

- People are also suspicious of their “Filly Mignon”. 

***** 

Witnesses told TMZ.com that they saw Chris Brown and Rihanna smoking weed together in a club after the Grammy’s. 

- It’s nice to seem him “take a hit” on something other than Rhianna. 

*****

On this day in 1964 the Beatles performed in New York City’s Carnagie Hall. 

- The audience liked them, but said when it came to long-haired music, they would have preferred Beethoven. 

*****

REMINDER: The 16-hour Salavation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up next week, on Friday, February 22 from 6am to 10pm, LIVE from the Oakland Mall. Once again it will be broadcast on 760 WJR! SAVE THE DATE!

-Dick 

The Pope Sez "Nope"!!!

Pope Benedict has stunned the world and even his closest advisors by announcing that he will step down as Pope on February 28. The 85-year-old Pontiff said doesn’t have the physical strengh to carry out is duties. He’s the first Pope to voluntarily step down in 600 years. 

- You can’t blame him…he did wear a lot of heavy hats!

- The Pope said he will spend his retirement following his favorite baseball team…the Cardinals. 

- Picking a new Pope is a lot like watching Woody Harrelson’s house. You just wait until a lot of white smoke comes out of the chimney. 

*****

Last night Grammy’s featured a lot of boobage, despite the fact that CBS has warned perfomers to wear clothing that covered up their “Genitals, butts and breasts”.

- The two rule breakers were Katy Perry’s Cleavage-Festival Green gown and the even more buxom…Elton John’s Man-Boobs. 

*****

Beyonce shocked Red Carpet Critics when she showed up in a black and white top and black stretch pants clinging to her ample rear end.  

- She was going to borrow the strech pants from Kim Kardashian, but the tailor said it would have taken weeks to have the butt area taken-in.  

***** 

The best “Rap Performance” Grammy went to Beyonce’s husband Jay-Z, and Kanye West for “N— as in Paris”.

- How far we’ve come from “April in Paris”. 

- In an eerily familar move, Kanye jumped up on stage and announced that “Beyonce’s husband had the greatest video of all time!”

*****

The “Best Dancing Recording” award went to Skillex featuring Sirah for their hit “Bangarang”.

- Wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s campaign theme song? 

*****

The second family in a week has come forward claiming that Donald Duck didn’t hug their child at Disneyland because they’re black. 

- Maybe he was afraid of a sexual harrassment suit since, let’s face it, the guy doesn’t wear pants! 

***** 

Brown University announced that the student health insurance plan would now cover sex change operations. 

- Let’s just hope the kids who take advantage of it live in a Co-Ed dorm. 

- The new policy is known as “Really Changing Your Major”. 

- One parent was excited saying, “I never got letters from my son…but daughters are so much better at staying in touch!” 

- You won’t know who had the operations until graduation day when students wear nothing under their robes.  

***** 

On this day in 1554 Lady Jane Grey was beheaded after being Queen of England for only nine days. 

- Apparently she didn’t listen to Anne Boleyn who told her never to tell the King that she was “Head over heals” in love with him!  

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget the Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Club 16-Hour Radiothon - 6am to 10pm - live from the Oakland Mall and broadcast on 760 WJR. It’s coming up on Friday,  February 22! SAVE THE DATE!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #73: "History vs. Herstory?"

“Well the weather outside is frightful…but my new Podcast is so delightful…” How could it not be delightful when we welcome back “Mr. Positive” himself, former “Purtan’s Person” Jim Ochs to the table? 

Before we are barely underway, Jim announces that he has to use the restroom - giving Me and Jackie the chance to debate who did the best “Casey Kasem” imitation on my show - without making Jim feel bad. 

His imitation of “White Fang” does, however, provide us with the #1 and #2 reasons I get nervous inviting him to participate!

With the Oscars coming up…we talk about what appears to be the frontrunner…”Cornstarch”…I mean “Argo” and how it will fare against my personal favorite, “Lincoln”. Ironically, Jim’s belief that men like historical pictures while women prefer flicks featuring bare-chested men (ie: “Magic Mike”) sets off a verbal Civil War between Jackie, Jim and me that had me thinking we were going to end up at the Appomattox Court House!

We also reveal today’s most bankable actress…and least bankable actor. (Is it any wonder I co-starred with him in a movie???) Plus we give our opinions on which movie was best, the original “The In-Laws” with Peter Falk and Alan Arkin or the remake starring Albert Brooks and Michael Douglas. (Hard to believe the man married to Catherine Zeta Jones is playing Liberace in a new movie, but he is!) 

Then we switch from the silver screen to the computer screen to tell you about a new way internet scammers are using YOU to get your friends to open ads for a wide range of things. (Let’s just say my daughter JoAnne was a bit suspicious when she received an ad for a male-enhancement product allegedly sent to her by Jackie!) 

I also come clean about a wildly popular TV series that I don’t watch because, frankly, I can’t understand the accents. 

What I do understand is the need for your support for this year’s Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon coming up on Friday, February 22nd! I will be there for the entire 16 hour event…once again broadcast this year on 760 WJR. Remember…this is THE ONLY fundraiser for this critical program that feeds more than 5000 Metro-Detroit men, women & children everyday of the year, and shelters over 800 a night! More details to come in our next Podcast! 

So take a break from shoveling your driveway and tune in as we shovel a whole bunch of stuff on Podcast #73! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back hear Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #73: “History vs. Herstory?” (36:14)

Iron Out, Cat In...In Monopoly!

Hasbro announced that after nearly 80 years, they’re replacing the miniature “Iron” game piece in Monoply sets with a cat to make the came more “relevant” to today’s young people. 

- If they want to make it more relevant, don’t use a cat…use a miniature video game controller. 

- In a related story, the “Community Chest” card will now feature the picture of a porn star with fake boobs. 

***** 

The Post Office announced that to save money, they plan to end Saturday mail delivery. 

- Great! Now I’m not going to get the flyer announcing Gardner White’s “Super Sunday Everything-Must-Go Sale” until Monday. 

- So a stamp may be “Forever”…but Saturday delivery? Not so much. 

***** 

Gun enthusiasts say the photo of President Obama skeet shooting is a fake because the gun is pointed eye-high. 

- In Washington, “skeet” is another word for “John Boehner”.  

***** 

A new smart phone app is being developed that would allow your plants to “talk” to you and remind you water them. 

- Of course if you own a Cactus plant don’t expect to hear from it anytime soon. 

- This is way better than the “Venus Fly App” that reminds your plant to eat your hand if you don’t water it. 

***** 

CBS issued a warning to performers on Sunday’s Grammy Awards not to wear clothing that exposes genitals, buttocks or boobs. 

- Lady Gaga has assured them that her sirloin dress will cover all the important parts. 

- So Kanye West will be allowed to make an ass of himself…he just can’t show his on camera. 

***** 

Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced that his wife is pregnant. 

- So apparently he’s got more than a great arm. 

- He also announced that Beyonce will be performing between the the second and third trimesters. 

- It’s gonna be a little weird when he makes all the dads slap each other on the butt after LaMazze class. 

***** 

The NFL hasn’t decided if there will be a halftime show during next year’s Super Bowl because for the first time, the game will be played in a cold climate in a uncovered stadium. 

- Instead of a halftime show they can just have a hockey game. 

***** 

On this day in 1943, Shoe rationing was announced in America during WWII. It limited civilians to three pair of shoes per year. 

- People told the government to “put a sock in it!”

- The only person non-affected by the move was “Shoeless Joe Jackson”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast (#73)!

-Dick

No Lights! Camera! Action!

Officials are investigating what caused the power outage during the Super Bowl. In what should have been a clue that something was wrong, the lights in the Superdome blew out twice during Beyonce’s halftime show rehearsals. 

- I guess she figured it’s harder to tell if you’re lip-syncing if the whole stadium is dark. 

- The reason the lights were out for 34 minutes was it took time to call the guy in India who told them how to fix it.  

*****

John McCain was accused of racism for a joking Tweet that compared Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to the monkey Iran allegedly sent into space. 

- Personally I think Mamoud looks more like a baboon’s butt…or a horse’s ass.  

*****

A new study suggests that Neanderthals died out 15,000 years earlier than we thought. 

- But a small group of them still lives today…They’re known as “The Detroit City Council”. 

***** 

Using DNA, British archeologists confirmed that they found the bones of 15th century King Richard the III buried under a parking garage. 

- So it only took about six hundred years to find King Richard the III…which means we’ve got about 550 years left until they find Jimmy Hoffa! 

***** 

A family in Brazil says they found their pet tortoise that went missing 30 years ago alive in their home’s attic. 

- They say he ran away to join a “Turtles Tribute Band” but apparently never made it out of the house. 

- Talk about a shell-tered existance! 

***** 

“American Idol season 12 contestant Matthew Farmer admitted that he lied about being wounded by an IED in Afghanistan and that he has always had a problem telling the truth. 

- And we’re supposed to believe that? 

- The first clue that something was amiss came during his audition when his pants spontaneously caught on fire. 

***** 

Mike Tyson said that Lance Armstrong is “an awesome human being”. 

- Well if that endoresement doesn’t get his Tour de France medals reinstated I don’t know what will! 

- Boy that Tyson can really chew your ear off…literally.

***** 

On this day in 1901 the Loop-the-Loop centrifugal roller coaster was patented by Ed Prescot. 

- in 1902 his picture was featured on all bottles of Dramamine. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Oh Brother! What A Game...

What a great game! Superbowl LXVII - the first “Big Game” featuring two brothers as head coaches - came down to the last minute of play. When all was said and done, Baltimore pulled it out 34-31 over the 49er’s giving older brother John Harbaugh the win over his younger brother (and former U of M QB) Jim Harbaugh. 

I’ll admit I was pulling for Baltimore and here’s why: Years ago, I had an audition for an on-air radio job in San Francisco which the program director of the radio station gave me the old “thumbs down” on. A year later, I was offered a job in Baltimore, which I took. They fired me five weeks later, claiming I was “too wild for the town”. So I only made it about two hours in SF and a whole 5 weeks in Baltimore so I sort of, kind of, consider it a “hometown team”. 

As for the commericials… I was partial to the Jeep “Whole Again” spot featuring the voice of Oprah Winfrey and music that was stirring and perfect with “Band Of Brothers” feel to it. 

And then there was the Go Daddy commercial with a supermodel sloppy-kissing a certified nerd, that probably looked good on paper but was a little too much. Although I will say the star model, Bar Rafaeli was better on camera than she was on paper! 

If you had a favorite or one you thought was not-so-hot, click on the comment button above and let me know! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #72: "Nabor-hood Gossip & More!"

Welcome to February and a frenetic new Podcast (#72). Today, Jackie and I are joined by former “Purtan’s Person” Jim Ochs. Jim did character voices on my show for years including my agent “Sol”, “White Fang”, and the King of Music Countdowns, “Casey Kasem”. 

Speaking of music…we talk about Barbra Streisand’s decision to perform on this year’s Oscars for the first time in 36 years. (Her assistant…I mean husband… James Brolin talked her into it), plus “Here Comes The Bride” - or in this case “The Grooms” - with Jim Nabors not-so-shocking announcement that he is gay and has married his partner of 38 years. Well Gooooolllllyyyy! 

Also on the relationship front…we touch on Ashley Judd’s impending divorce from race car driver Dino Franchitti (apparently she got tired of driving around in circles) and the man who pretended to be Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o’s fake-deceased-girlfriend who has now admitted that not only was she a he, but she/he fell hopelessly and romantically in love with Manti.  

I also reveal who I’m pulling for in Sunday’s “Harbaugh Brother’s Super Bowl of Sibling Rivalry”…and why I have a special affinity for six specific NFL teams. 

We also talk about Chicken Wing Sauce, what quitting smoking by age 44 can mean to your lifespan, and I’ll tell you about a guy who stole a pick-up truck to try and stop his ex-girlfriend’s wedding to another guy. (If it sounds like a movie…it probably will be and we’ll tell you which actresses we think should play the female lead!) 

So kiss January goodbye and forge into February with Podcast #72. Like the movie “Ground Hog Day”, you can listen to it over and over and over…

Have a great weekend and Go _______’s!  (You have to listen to fill in the blank!)

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #72

Sharon McPhail-ed To See Kwame Korruption?

Former counsel to and foe of Kwame Kilpatrick, Sharon McPhail will testify for the defense in his Federal Corruption Racketeering trial. McPhail, who once accused Kwame of rigging her massage office chair to electrocute her, says she’s comfortable testifying and that she was so busy working, she didn’t see anything illegal going on. 

- I believe her! She was way to busy watching all the illegal stuff going on in the City Council. 

- She’ll testify while sitting in a specially designed electric massage witness chair. 

*****

Dr. Phil says that Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the man who masterminded the fake dead girlfriend hoax on Notre Dame’s Manti T’eo said that T’eo was in no way involved in the scheme but that he “fell deeply, romantically in love” with Manti. Manti, however, maintains that he himself is not gay. 

- I’m not sure which is worse, finding out that your imaginary girlfriend is dead, or that she’s alive, is actually a man, and is in love with you. 

- If this guy wanted a football player to make a pass at him, he should have gone after a Quarterback.

- If Notre Dame had a strategy as ingenious as this guy, maybe they would have beaten Alabama. 

*****

Former Vice President Dick Cheney turned 72 on Wednesday. 

- His family was going to throw his a surprise party, but his cardiologist put the kabosh on that. 

- Cheney ended up having dinner with a few close friends, then went quail hunting and accidentally shot ‘em in the face. 

***** 

A study from Madrid found that the more housework husbands do, the less sex they have. 

- Unless they’re Arnold Schwarzenegger who has sex with the maid while she’s doing the housework. 

***** 

Iran has begun using a new amputation machine to publicly cut off the fingers of convicted thieves. 

- It can cut off a finger and still slice a tomato “this thin!”.

- Ironically, now all the human finger-cutter-off-er’s are going to lose their jobs and will have to start stealing themselves.  

***** 

Barbra Streisand has agreed to sing on the Oscars for the first time in 36 years. 

- She’ll do an updated medley of her hits including, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowmax” and “The Way We What?”. 

***** 

On this day in 1928 the 3M Company first marketed Scotch Tape. 

- That’s their story and they’re sticking to it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick 

Spring Has Sprung...

Okay…Spring may not be here to stay - but it’s stopped by for a visit. Unfortunately, unlike relatives over the holidays, it’s not staying long. Regardless, I’m proudly putting on my black socks and sandals. (A great look anytime of the year!) 

*****

Police in Connecticut arrested a 71-year-old woman on prostitution charges. 

- This finally explains why they call it “The World’s Oldest Profession”. 

- She puts the “Walker” in Street Walker. 

*****

A Pennsylvania man was buried with a Burger King Whopper after his funeral procession stopped at the drive-up window. 

- His ex-wife showed up during the eulogy and yelled, “It should have been a Whopper Jr.!” 

- In a similar story, another man was buried at sea…along with a McDonald’s Fillet ‘O Fish. 

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be giving a series of motivational talks in Australia. 

- Well he’s certainly an expert of things “Down Under”. 

- He’s really trying to clean up his act. Wait…doesn’t he have a maid for that? 

*****

It’s estimated that the family dog is the cause of at least 150 family arguments a year. 

- Most of which begin with the words “It wasn’t me…”

*****

In an interview with NBC, country singer Mindy McCreedy denied shooting her boyfriend to death. 

- You can hear all about it in her new song “I Didn’t Shoot My Boyfriend To Death”. 

*****

Ashton Kutcher was hospitalized after going on a fruit-only diet while preparing for a movie role where he plays Steve Jobs. 

- I thought an Apple a day was supposed to keep the doctor away.

- He was so dehydrated, EMT’s immediately put in an iV. 

*****

On this day in 1933 the radio series “The Lone Ranger” made its radio debut. The program originated on WXYZ radio here in Detroit. (I worked there from 1968 to 1978).

- The Lone Ranger and his “faithful Indian companion” Tonto, got along well…except they disagreed about the country’s immigration policy. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Obama "Punts" On Football.

President Obama said that if he had a son he probably wouldn’t let him play football because it’s too violent. 

- Besides, if his son went to Notre Dame, he wouldn’t want him bringing an imaginary girlfriend to dinner at the White House. 

- Obama should know…he’s the one who walks around carrying a “nuclear football”. 

- The real violence will kick in when Michelle sees the fat-laden 27-layer dip Joe Biden’s bringing to the White House Superbowl Party.  

*****

Hillary Clinton is wearing special glasses to prevent double vision after the fall that left her with a concussion. 

- Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is wearing special glasses that allow him to see through women’s clothing. 

***** 

The Boy Scouts of America is considering lifting the longtime ban on gay members and Scoutmasters. 

- So instead of S’mores…Boyscouts will now sit around the campfire making Baked Brie on a stick. 

***** 

Lance Armstrong turned down a slot on “Dancing With The Stars”. 

- That’s what he says, but frankly I’m not sure I believe him. 

- Instead, he’ll star on a new reality show: “The Biggest Liar”. 

***** 

Hugh Hefner’s secretary of 40 years died on Sunday. The cause of death is not known. 

- But a Playboy Mansion insider said she was crushed to death when Hef’s Little Black Book accidentally fell on her. 

- She not only managed Hef’s schedule…she babysat all of his girlfriends…and wives.  

***** 

The National Institutes of health reported that most of their research chimpanzees will be retired. 

- Most will move to a condo complex in Florida, but four of them are going to launch a “Monkee’s Tribute Band”. 

***** 

A new UC-Berkley study has linked age-related memory loss to sleep deprivation. 

- I’m not sure…but I have a vague recollection of being up all last night worrying about it. 

***** 

On this day in 1933 German President von Hindenburg appointed Adolph Hitler Chancellor. 

- If only he’d celebrated by giving Hitler a free ride on his blimp, he could have saved the world a lot of trouble. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

"Slip Slidin' Away..."

Despite heading for a high in the fifties tomorrow, today’s inclement weather has led to a whole slew of school and other closings… Here’s a partial list: 

Bars

- The “Airport Landing Strip and Sip” is open….although runway dancers are delayed due to icing. 

- “Eat, Drink & Meet Mary” is closed. (Apparently Mary slid into a ditch on her way in to work).

- Centerline’s “Chug ‘n Hurl” is closed. The driveway isn’t plowed…but the guy who runs the snowblower is. 

- Tony’s “Bottom’s Up Beer and Bowl” is open…but the two left lanes are closed. 

- Pedro’s Mexican Cantina is open…but all Margarhetta Salt has been diverted to the parking lot. 

- “The Booby Trap” is open, but dancers are dancing on main poles only. 

Other Closings/Delays

- The “We’re Always Open Mini-Mart” is closed because the staff is stuck in traffic - but the manager wants to remind you that when he does arrive, he will not have a key to the safe. 

- “St. Agnostic’s High” is closed - unless you choose to believe otherwise. 

- The “Conquer Your Fear Of Driving In The Snow & Ice” self-help group has been cancelled until Spring. 

- All Michigan Secretary of States Offices are open and running with their usual three hour delay. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here (with temps in the 50’s!) Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #71: "On Radio...No One Can See You Pout & Other Stories"

Welcome to a cold and snowy weekend! But fear not…Jackie, former “Purtan’s Person”, Joe Noune and I are here to warm your cockles (unless of course you’ve had them removed) with Podcast #71. 

Right out of the box - or in this case, the carton - we ponder why it is that when Jackie lived in NYC, Chinese food was always delivered by a Japanese guy and Japanese food by a Mexican guy, etc… etc… 

Jackie knows a lot about the Big Apple… Before joining my show here in Detroit in 2002, she worked with a male morning radio show team in New York City. She explains how she not only served as “sidekick” but psychiatrist to one of the guys - who got mad and decided not only to pout, but not talk on-the-air. For weeks. (That doesn’t really work on the radio!)

There’s also the story about her radio staion’s building’s doorman, a Wall Street Journal Paper Boy and a dark lobby. (Yup…there are some things that “can only happen in New York”).

On a musical note, I tell you which artist (in my humble opinion) had the greatest hit songs from the 70’s up to the current day. (It wasn’t Minnie Ripperton… “Looooovvvvvvvviiiiiiinngggg Yooouuuu” Just shoot me now!). 

We also give our opinions on who should play Lance Armstrong in an upcoming movie about him and his doping scandal. (I’ve heard the Eagles are doing the musical theme of the movie: “You Can’t Hide Those Lying Thighs”). And somehow cycling leads up to Joe’s head-over-heels stint as a not-so-great newspaper delivery boy. 

And speaking of things that delivered…I’ll tell you about a vintage one-hour special starring John Candy and Eugene Levy of the fabulously funny SCTV that makes SNL seem like a high school talent show. Then we wrap it all up with some personal stories about my late-great writer/producer Gene Taylor. 

So thaw out your hands enough to click on the link, and warm up with Podcast #71! 

Have a great weekend!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #71  (31:05)

Good Grief Charlie Brown!!!

Peter Robbins, who as a child actor was the voice of Charlie Brown in clasic specials including “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, was arrested on five felony charges, including stalking and making a death threat. 

- He’ll have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, but will have to wait until “The Doctor Is In”. 

- I guess Lucy moved that football just one too many times. 

- In his adult years, Robbins tried his luck as a rapper going under the name “Snoopy Dogg” 

***** 

The new expose of Scientology, “Going Clear,” is #4 on Amazon’s best-seller list, but a Scientology spokeswoman insists that all the stories ex-members tell in the book are lies.

- Tom Cruise is said to be so mad at the former members that he’s jumping up and down on his own couch.

- The spokeswoman insisted that Scientology is a real religion and added, “Manti Te’o’s girlfriend is real!”

*****

Southwest Airlines is introducing a $40 “Early Boarding Fee”. 

- They’re not going to make any money since the plane is never there on time, so there’s no way you can board early. 

- Next up: “The Uncle Ed Fee” where passengers have to kick in 5 bucks to pay for the plane’s oil change every 5000 miles. 

***** 

Japan’s 72-year-old prime minister Tara Aso has caused quite a stir during a panel to discuss Social Security. He called the elderly who can’t feed themselves “tube people”. Aso added that old people should be allowed to “hurry up and die” so the government doesn’t have to pay their medical expenses. 

- So basically Tara Aso is…well…an Aso. 

- He added that many of the elderly want to die, or so his Great Grand Tube Person told him when he was a child.

***** 

President Obama’s mother-in-law will continue to live in the White House during his second term.

- The Prez is starting to think the whole “hurry up and die” concept might work well here too.

***** 

Aretha Franklin defended Beyonce for lip-syncing the Inaugural National Anthem, saying that next time, she’d probably do that herself. 

- Aretha may lip-sync like Beyonce, but there’s not a chance in Hell Beyonce’s going to wear an inaugural hat like Aretha Franklin. 

*****

The White House is valued at $294.9 million. 

- How much you wanna bet if the White House was put on the market, Bill Clinton’s bedroom would be listed as “Previously Enjoyed”? 

***** 

On this day in 1848 the California Gold Rush began when gold ws discovered on land owned by John Sutter. 

- I thought gold was discovered by William Devane.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast (#71). 

-Dick

"Much Ado About A Doo!"

President Obama told supporters at an inaugural event that he loves his wife Michelle’s new hairdo - including the bangs. 

- When I hear “President” and “Bangs” in the same sentence, I usually think of Bill Clinton. 

***** 

Beyonce’s stirring rendition of the National Anthem at Monday’s Inauguration was hailed as the best in a generation - until the London Times reported that she’d recorded it in advance and lip-synched the performance. 

- If only Joe Biden would pre-record and lip-sync his speeches. 

- People didn’t think it was that great until Kanye West jumped up on the platform and announced that “Beyonce has the greatest version of the National Anthem of all time!” 

***** 

Speaker of the House John Boehner says he has no idea what he said that prompted First Lady Michelle Obama to very publicly roll her eyes during the inauguration. 

- Sometimes being honest and saying, “Yes…that dress makes your butt look big” doesn’t go over very well. 

***** 

Manti Te’o will be interviewed by Katie Couric about his imaginary dead girlfriend. 

- I guess talking about an imaginary dead person can help revive both of their careers. 

- Manti’s imaginary alive current girlfriend is said to be furious that he keeps dwelling on his fake past relationships instead of the fake one he has with her. 

*****

Justin Bieber photographed himself mooning the camera and posted the photo of his bare butt on Instagram. 

- The girls were all excited until they noticed the diaper rash. 

***** 

In Wisconsin, two strippers were arrested for fighting over a dollar bill. They tussled on the floor, punching, slapping and pulling each other’s hair. 

- Everyone was in agreement: The cops called it “A circus” and the men in the crowd called it “The Greatest Show on Earth”. 

***** 

On this day in 1942 Earl Tupper bought his first manufacturing plant to introduce his invention, “Tupperware”. 

- Before that, the only thing burping in most homes were babies and husbands.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

How Cold Is It?

It’s so cold that…

…Frosty the Snowman hopped a plane to Bermuda. 

…The hookers on Eight Mile are wearing fishnet snowpants. 

…If you write LMAO on facebook, it might actually happen. 

*****

It is believed that President Obama’s inaugural speech was the first in Presidential history to include a reference to a gay bar. 

- Unless you include Abraham Lincoln’s little known “Getty’s Burger & Beefcake Address” back in the 1800’s. 

- Actually, Obama was just giving a shout out to Bernie Frank’s favorite hang out. 

*****

During coverage of the Inauguration, ABC’s George Stephanopoulos mistakenly identified legendary NBA star Bill Russell as actor Morgan Freeman. 

- He immediately called Morgan Freeman and asked for a Shawshank Redemption. 

- George is usually the one who gets mistaken for someone else…one of the Seven Dwarfs. 

- Hey…at least he knew who the President was, unlike Joe Biden. 

*****

The Transportation Security Administration announced that they’re pulling the plug on nude airport scanners that produce a full-body image of travelers. 

- Apparently Chris Christie has taken one too many flights. 

- TSA agents say they’d way rather do invasive body pat downs than look at some naked photos! 

*****

A Harvard geneticist says he’s close to developing technology that could clone a Neanderthal. 

- Joey Buttafucco has been asked to make a donation at the local sperm bank. 

*****

A private funeral service was held for advice columnist “Dear Abby” who died last week at the age of 94. 

- Ironically her last piece of advice was, “You can skip the meds Doctor…I’m feeling fine.”

***** 

On this day in 1901 Queen Victoria died at the age of 82. She ruled England for 64 years. 

- And launched a highly successful line of lingerie stores. 

*****

Have a great day…stay warm…and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

P.S. Don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#70) with former “Purtan’s Person” Joe Noune! He shares some dating stories that make Manti Te’o’s lovelife seem normal! (You can find it on the homepage.)

Today is Martin Luther King Day and Inauguration Day...

…Or as most kids call it, “A day off school!”

While today President Obama will be sworn in as President with the usual public ceremony, Sunday, because it was the 20th, he took the oath of office at a private swearing-in ceremony. 

- Although, to be honest, it was the Republicans who did most of the swearing.  

At the Iowa State Inaugural Ball, Joe Biden began his speech by declaring, “I’m proud to be President of the United States,” then corrected himself and said, “Vice President.” 

- Biden’s put his foot in his mouth so many times he’s got athlete’s tongue. 

Since San Fransico and Baltimore each won their NFL conference championships, and are coached by brothers John and Jim Harbaugh, this year we’re going to have the world’s first ever Sibling Rivalry Superbowl! 

A study found that wanting things provides people with a bigger “high” than actually having things. 

- Unless the “thing” you have, happens to be a giant bong.  

- Which is why all of us are so much happier than Bill Gates! 

Subway is in hot water because their “Foot Long” subs are actually less than twelve inches long. 

- Which came as a surprise to exactly none of the women in America. 

Vatican officials told the news media that the Pope said the Lance Armstrong scandal is “very sad”. 

- They said His Holiness had more to say, but appparently he didn’t feel like Pontifficating. 

In Missouri, the mother of a 13-year-old girl with big breasts is protesting after a school official allegedly said the girl should have a breast reduction to prevent sexual harrassment. 

- And then all she’d have to do is get implants after college so she could get a decent job. 

On this day in 1994 Lorena Bobbitt was found not guilty. 

- Experts were amazed she went to trial…they thought she’d cut a deal. 

Have a great day, check out Podcast #70 (it’s on the homepage!) and I’ll see you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #70: "Imagine That!"

Welcome to another weekend and another new Podcast - (#70!). Today Jackie and I are joined by not-so-frequent-but-always-amusing former “Purtan’s Person” Joe Noune. Joe was the man behind many of the character voices on my radio show from Ronald Reagan to Japanese Comic “Socki Too-Me”. 

The three of us “tackle” a lot of important issues including Notre Dame football star, Manti Te’o’s mysterious, non-existant girlfriend, who apparently died although she was never actually alive. Plus, Joe offers a list of reasons that prove Manti might be just a bit gullible. For example, he wants to win a Superbowl with the Detroit Lions. 

We also explain the hot new trend called “Te’oing” - where people take and post pictures of themselves with their imaginary girlfriends.  

And speaking of “dating”, Joe shares his true-story about a Russian women he met on the Web who wanted him to send her $690 - and not a penny more! And then he tells us about a REAL woman that he met on the Internet, set up an “in person” date with…and let’s just say there isn’t enough beer in the world to have drunk that woman pretty.

For the female perspective, Jackie tells her own social media story about creating a fake on-line dating site profile in order to find out what her then-husband was up to. And Dick, based on his acting in “Beverly Hills Cop III” has some advice for “Lincoln” star Daniel Day Lewis about the upcoming Oscars. 

So grab your imaginary significant other and tune in to Podcast #70!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here with our daily blog on Monday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #70 (34:15)

The Big "O"???

Oprah Winfrey said that after her Lance Armstrong interview they were both “exhausted and satisfied”.

- Did she interview him or is she sleeping with him???

*****

There’s a lot of buzz on the Internet over who should play Lance Armstrong in a move about his steroid scandal. 

- If they can just get Charlie Sheen sobered up enough to ride a bike…

*****

- The government wants to put stricter laws in place to prevent the mentally ill from getting guns. 

- So at least we’ll know that anyone in Hollywood who’s crazy enough to hire Lindsay Lohan won’t be packin’. 

***** 

Bill Clinton says Hillary is so healthy, she calls him her “first husband” because she knows she’ll outlive him. 

- We’ll yeah…that’s because she’ll be the one to kill him if she catches him cheating again. 

- I have a feeling that no matter how long Bill Clinton lives, he’s gonna die with a smile on his face. 

***** 

On the anniversary of the Costa Concordia cruise ship capsizing off the coast of Italy, the Captain told NBC that he has “no regrets” about his actions. Remember, he was giving his “date” a tour of the ship and accidentally “fell” into a lifeboat during the incident. 

- Somebody doesn’t have both oars in the water if you know what I mean. 

- He shouldn’t have been sailing in the Mediteranean…he should have been sailing in De-Nile. 

***** 

Facebook is adding a new search engine to match up people like a dating site does. 

- Changes to the existing facebook will include nothing. 

- Maybe this is how Oprah got the Lance Armstrong interview. 

- Guys…if you date one your “fake” female facebook friends, chances are she’ll carry the “faking” thing a bit too far. 

*****

According to a Men’s Health survey, the top female occupations that inspire the most fantasies for men are nurse and teacher. 

- Which means if you’re a school nurse, there are thousands of men fantasizing about you right now. 

- The least fantasy-inspiring profession was “Lorena Bobbitt Impersonator”. 

*****

On this day in 1998 Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harassment. 

- He denied it saying he was way to busy having an affair with Gennifer Flowers to harrass anyone!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast! (#70!)

-Dick

Obama Calls For A "Home Improvement Date"...

President Obama signed legislation that gives him and future presidents lifetime secret service protection. 

- He got the idea from another former President…Mr. Belvedere. 

- Call me crazy…but I thought all Former Presidents already had Service Service lifetime protection!

Oh Mama! Elton John's A Daddy Again!

65-year-old Elton John and his 50-year-old Partner David Furnish have announced the birth of their second son by a surrogate. Elijah Joseph Daniel Furnish-John was born by a surrogate as was his two-yeara-old sibling, Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. 

- So now Zach can say, “Daniel’s my brother…He is YOUNGER than me!” 

- There are plans for the family to appear on the reality show Toddlers & Tiaras”… Zach will be the Toddler and Elton will wear the Tiara.