Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Because he was a pathetic, cowardly, impotent-minded chicken who planted bombs to kill innocent people…but didn’t want to get hurt himself. 

*****

And so it happens again. What can only be described as a Terrorist attack on our soil and our people has once again shocked, saddened, and quite frankly sickened us all. 

It took just seconds for innocents - including an eight-year-old little boy - to lose their lives and at least 150 others suffer injuries - many grave.  

But in the Spirit of our Country, it took just seconds more for Police, EMT’s, Medical Personal and bystanders with no training but a deep sense of humanity, to spring into action and do everything they could to help the injured - and control, calm and direct the massive crowd away from the scene to prevent further loss of life.

There is certainly nothing coincidental about the fact that this despicable act was carried out during one of our country’s longest traditions - the Boston Marathon, on a day that the city that played such a defining role in the formation of our great nation celebrates as “Patriot’s Day”. 

Perhaps the perpetrator doesn’t know what a “Patriot” is. 

We are a people whose Forebearers stood up against incredible odds to break free of tyranny more than two centuries ago. Those men and women - many in the city of Boston - risked their lives to create a new world - where they, and the generations to follow, could live in a land of Freedom. 

And I believe those remarkable and brave visionaries passed on more to us than just a love of Liberty. They passed down a deep, unshakable love for Our Country. We are called the UNITED States of America for a reason: We always stand United… and we will never “stand down”. 

So while whomever is responsible for this atrocity may think of it as “a success” - (as opposed to the 50-plus attacks that have been thwarted since 9/11) let he, she or they be put on notice:

This is America.

We are Americans.

We will find you and bring you to justice.

What we will not do is cower in fear or change the way we live our lives. 

Today, we send our thoughts, love and prayers to the victims and families of those impacted by this tragedy. But also today, and for every day to come, we will - each of us - fight back against those who would do us harm.

So no matter where you go, Chicken…We’ll be waiting for you on the other side of the road. 

God Bless America! 

-Dick

Time To Put "The Cash In The Hat!"

Tax Day Dr. Seuss Style…

Do you like paying taxes, Sir or Ma’am? 

We do not like them Uncle Sam! 

You tax our house, 

You tax our spouse. 

You tax us here, you tax us there. 

You seem to tax us everywhere! 

You tax us if we’re single, 

You tax us if we wed, 

You tax us while we are alive, 

You tax us when we’re dead! 

But we must pay or risk a Jam. 

So here’s your check dear Uncle Sam! 

*****

Justin Bieber ignited Twitter after visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and leaving a message in the guest book. The Biebs said, “Anne was a great girl. I hope she would have been a Beliber”. 

- I think we can stop worrying about Economic Collapse and Nuclear War: Civilization as we know it has officially ended. 

- Apparently Justin’s knowledge of History only extends to the date he and Selena Gomez broke up. For the fifth time. 

***** 

A hotel for Chickens has opened in Eugene, Oregon. 

- Each room comes with cable TV, free wi-fi and a Rooster to wake the chicken up. 

- So now we know why the chicken crossed the road! The sign said “Vacancy”. 

***** 

According to a new article, Kim Jong Un’s fun-loving, playboy half-brother came close to becoming the leader of North Korea. 

- His half-brother is actually named Kim Jong Fun!  

- Are they implying that Kim Jong Un isn’t “fun-loving”? 

***** 

In a related story…Dennis Rodman has announced that he will be returning to North Korea for another visit in August. 

- Unless of course it’s just a parking lot by then. 

***** 

German researchers discovered that ants can predict earthquakes. 

- They can also predict exactly when and where you’ll be having your next family picnic. 

- That’s nothing…my Uncle could predict a rain storm with his bum knee. 

***** 

Mike Tyson has announced that he’s becoming a vegan. 

- Apparently Evander Holyfield’s ear left a bad taste in his mouth. 

***** 

Jenna Bush, daughter of former President George W. Bush has given birth to a little girl, the ex-Prez’s first grandchild. 

- The media was alerted by the big “Mission Accomplished” banner he hung outside the delivery room. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

How Come The Meteorologists Always Get It Wrong About Sunshine, But Are Dead On With The Rain?

It’s raining…It’s pouring… The old man is snoring…

But who gives a rats patoot? You can’t hear him over the sound of the thunder! 

Before the on-going storms knock out my internet…here’s a brief look at today’s news!

***** 

It’s been two years since US Congressman Anthony Weiner resigned in disgrace after tweeting picture of his nether regions to women, but now sources say he’s considering a run for Mayor of NYC. 

- Well we know he’s got a lock on the Hot Dog Vendor vote. 

- His wife is said to be standing beside him. She won’t sleep beside him, but she’ll stand there. 

*****

Former US Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick has signed on to hear testimony from a group trying to convince the Federal Government that UFO’s and Extraterrestrial Aliens really exist. 

- Well she should know…she gave birth to one.  

*****

The Postal Service canceled it’s plan to stop Saturday delivery. 

- Apparently neither rain nor snow nor the country being out of cash will keep them from their appointed rounds. 

***** 

A new study found that using social media makes people ruder…so rude in fact, that 40% of users say it’s destroyed some of their friendships. 

- And some of those ruined friendships were with people they actually knew! 

- Why not put the mean comments where they belong - on “In-Your-Facebook”?

***** 

The Country Music Hall of Fame announced that they’re inducting Kenny Rogers. 

- As they say, “You gotta know when to hold ‘em & know when to induct ‘em”. 

- They had planned to induct him the same year they honored Dolly Parton, but that turned out to be a bust. 

***** 

Obamacare regulators in DC, California & Colorado have ruled that insurance companies won’t be allowed to reject smokers or charge them more, because smoking will be considered a “preexisting medical condition”. 

- So your tax dollars will do the same thing as cigarettes…go up in smoke. 

- People will however have a co-pay each time they buy a lighter. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! BTW…in a couple of weeks we’ll start a whole new round of Podcasts! But for now, all 76 of the Podcasts we’ve done so far are up on the homepage for your listening enjoyment!

-Dick 

You Mean Dennis Rodman was WRONG???

North Korea claims it is set to launch a missile “any day now” and has told foreign diplomats in the country that it can’t guarantee their safety starting today. Kim Jong Un’s people have also urged tourists in South Korea to evacuate. 

- With North Korea’s luck with missile launches so far, the only ones who should evacuate are the people in Kim Jong Un’s backyard. 

- Mrs. Un pointed to her four month old daughter as proof that occassionally her husband’s missile actually reaches it’s target. 

*****

A camel presented to French President Francois Hollandes as a gift was mistakenly eaten by some locals. 

- It was a little dry and the gravy was a bit lumpy. 

*****

Joe Biden scolded Republican lawmakers who are threatening to filibuster a new gun control bill by calling them “embarrassing”.  

- Biden added that if the Rebubs do fillibuster, he told his wife Jill to go out on the Captiol steps with a shotgun and fire a couple shots in the air. 

*****

A list of rappers and celebrities, including Kim Kardashian, wrote a letter to President Obama, urging him to ease up on enforcing drug laws. 

- Bill Clinton admits he signed the letter but insists he never inhaled. 

- The letter will be read aloud in a “Joint” session of Congress. 

*****

Researchers say they can cut the fat content of a chocolate bar in half by infusing it with liquid , such as water or fruit juice. 

- You can also cut the fat content in half by breaking the candy bar in two.  

- Critics reacted to the news with Snickers.  

*****

A new survey found that women really do prefer tall men with large winkies. 

- A similar survey found that short men with really small winkies threaten to launch nuclear missiles.  

*****

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

March Madness Turns To March Gladness, And Then March Sadness...

Many Thanks and Congratulations to the Wolverines for a great game last night and a great run-up to the NCAA Championship! They’re young…they’re good…and barring the lure of the NBA, they’ll be back! 

And Congrats to the Spartans who did the Green proud as well by making it to the Sweet 16!

*****

NASA has announced that the U.S. won’t be going to the moon again. 

- Unlike Jackie Gleason’s wife Alice, who went many times.    

- It’s not a total loss…Because Disney has announced plans to build a moon replica at Epcot. 

***** 

A Veterinarian say that sick dogs should be prescribed medical marijuana for pain. 

- So look for your pet to start wearing a neck brace and saying it hurts too much to drag his butt across the carpet. 

- People for the Ethical Treatment Of Goldfish wanted them to have weed for pain as well, but the lit joint kept going out when they dipped in in the bowl. 

- Or you could send your dog to Willie Nelson’s house and let him just breath in the air. 

***** 

Denny’s restaurant has opened a wedding chapel at one of their locations in Las Vegas. 

- They also have a Honeymoon package called the “Wedding Night Slam”. 

- In a related story, IHOP will host weddings for gay couples that includes the ceremony and a complimentary “Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity Buffet”. 

***** 

Fidel Castro urged North Korea to avoid nuclear warfare. 

- This is what happens when Dennis Rodman spends Spring Break in Cuba. 

***** 

Saudi Arabia’s religious police are now allowing women to ride bikes, but with limitations. 

- They can only ride bikes that don’t have wheels or handlebars. 

- If they do ride a real bike they suffer a severe punishment that gives new meaning to the expression, “Look ma! No Hands!”. 

***** 

President Obama has 29.5 million Twitter followers, but it was revealed that his account is run by his former campaign group, and he doesn’t write the tweets and might not even agree with them. 

- Well that explains the time he tweeted: “Joe Biden is the greatest Vice Prez ever!”

- Of course he doesn’t manage the account…No President can sit around all day twittering his thumbs! 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

A Maize & Blue Poem by Dick & Michigan Grad Jackie P...

I think that I shall never see…

A thing as lovely on TV! 

Tonight at 9:23p.m…

The Championship game for Michigan! 

68, 16, then 8 and Four…

Dare we…Can we… hope for more? 

Oh yes we can, for our blood runs Blue…

(Even those who rooted for MSU!)

From tip-off to the final buzzer…

We’ll send the Louisville guys back to their Dads and Muzzers. (Huh?)

For even if they lose…they’re still pretty lucky,

The can marry their cousin back home in Kentucky!

The Cardinals’ have a great team…which can make it scary. 

But do not forget that… WE’VE GOT McGary! 

Michigan! Michigan! The Blue and The Maize…

Will bring us back to the glory days!

I’ll be watching each free throw, rebound, and dribble…

While eating my favorite “Salmon Shaped Nibble”! 

A win tonight and you’ll be Champs of the NC “Double A”…

(Which I’m told is one of my 6 daughters’ bra sizes…which one I won’t say!) 

GO BLUE!!!!!

-Dick

"Buy Me Some Peanuts And Cracker Jacks..."

Big Day! Big Weekend! First pitch of the Tiger’s Home Opener at Comerica Park is set for 1:08p.m. Doug Fister takes the mound against the Yankees. As an added bonus, Tiger great Willie Horton of the ‘68 World Series will throw out the ceremonial first pitch! So if you didn’t already call-in sick and are actually at work, now would be a good time to start “not feeling so well”! 

Here are a few tips: 

- Dip your face in ice cold water and don’t dry it off. It will make your face red and the water droplets will indicate a high fever that is breaking. 

- Ask your boss if he or she happens to have a spare blanket as you are suffering from intense chills. 

- Eat something spicy which will make your nose run. Leave the used Kleenex prominately displayed on your desk for all to see. 

- Abruptly leave a meeting and run to the bathroom. Return to meeting. 2 minutes later…do it again. 

- If all else fails, call your cell from a landline. Answer it. Look shocked. And tell everyone, tearfully, that your Grandmother just passed away. NOTE: If she is still alive, tell her not to answer her phone today. 

GO TIGERS!!!!!

Switching sports…tomorrow night, daughter #2 Jackie’s Alma Mater Michigan takes on my Alma Mater, the Syracuse Orange at 8:49pm. The winner will play for the NCAA Championship Monday night! 

Here’s my predicament: I spent a lot of money sending Jackie to Michigan…and my Dad spent a lot of money sending me to Syracuse. I still have my Freshman “Beanie” and my Letter Sweater (The “letter” was “L” for Large) Look for my predictions (and who I’ll be rooting for) right back here tomorrow!

Have a great day - and here’s to the Tiger’s doing the same!!!!!

-Dick

You Mean They're NOT???

Public Policy Polling surveyed Americans on bizarre conspiracies and found that 4% believe shape-shifting reptilian aliens in human form have taken over our government. 

- What? Only 4%?

- The other 96% believe shape-shifting reptillian aliens in SEMI-human form have taken over our govennment.  

*****

Today is National Hug-A-Newsman Day!  

- Hug-A-Weatherman day has been indefinitely postponed until we get some decent Spring temperatures. 

*****

Another disaster for the Carnival Cruise Ship “Triumph”. The same boat that left thousands of angry passengers bobbing off the coast of Mexico in a ship full of sewage in February, has suffered another setback. Yesterday, the Triumph, docked in Alabama for repairs, broke free of it’s moorings, drifted downriver and smashed into another ship. 

- The only way things can get worse for Carnival is if they hire a certain Italian Captain to run the ship. 

- James Cameron says his new film “Carnival” will make “Titanic” look like a “feel good movie”. 

*****

In related news…Carnival Cruise Lines is blaming long lines to board their ships on the government sequestration. 

- Who are they kidding? There are no long lines of people waiting to get on Carnival Ships! 

*****

North Korea warned that its military now has the go-ahead for a “merciless” nuclear attack on the US. 

- Look for details in the upcoming biography: “Kim Jong Un-Hinged”. 

- Since they don’t have any missiles capable of reaching the US, I’m assuming they’re planning on giving Dennis Rodman a “Nuclear Wedgie” next time he’s in town. 

*****

After NBC finally confirmed that Jay Leno will be exiting the Tonight Show in 2014 and will be replaced by Jimmy Fallon, Leno has given Fallon his blessing. He told Jimmy he hopes he “gets to keep the show long enough to become the old guy”.  

- Fallon is 38. By most Hollywood standards, he already is the old guy! 

*****

A study finds that exercise and mental stimulation may help seniors stay sharp.

- Which explains the “in-house” gym at the offices of “60 Minutes”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday…aka TIGER’S OPENING DAY AT COMERICA PARK! 

-Dick 

Lifetime Channel Offers Time-Cher...

Cher will be the subject of an upcoming documentary on the Lifetime Channel centered on her work protecting the environment. 

- Turns out she put all that plastic in her face to keep it from ending up in landfills. 

- Despite championing the environment,  millions of vinyl records featuring “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” ended up in the trash heap. 

*****

Jeralean Taylor of our very own Inkster has earned the title of the World’s Oldest Living American at age 113. She was an avid bowler until age 104 and still plans to go on her annual fishing trip with a friend in May.

- At her age, she might end up “sleeping with the fishes”.

***** 

Saudi Arabia is considering lifting it’s ban on women riding bicycles in public.  

- I had trouble keeping my pant cuffs from getting caught in the pedals…good luck with a burka! 

***** 

Michael Jackson’s family is suing a concert promoter for $40 Billion in wages they say Michael would have earned if hadn’t died while preparing for a concert tour. 

- Apparently the money Tito is bringing in working at McDonalds just isn’t cutting it. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she was prenant as an April Fool’s Day prank, but her followers didn’t get the joke since she sent the tweet at 5a.m. on April 2nd. 

- She followed up with a tweet saying she’d be a responsible mother by only drinking Airplane-sized bottles of booze.

***** 

A former editor at Vogue has written a tell-all book revealing that to stave off hunger pangs, starving models eat Kleenex.

- Single-ply I’m assuming.

- Why not eat paper towel…that way they could “Select-A-Size-2”.

***** 

Magic Johnson said he’s “very proud” of his son for going public about being gay.

- In athletics this type of annoucement is called “Coming out of the locker room”.   

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday. And don’t forget…we have links to all 76 of the Podcasts that we’ve done so far, up for your listening pleasure on our homepage!

-Dick

BaBa WaWa Sets The Wecord Stwaight!

Barbara Walters used “The View” to deny that she has any plans of retiring despite rampant rumors. 

- Or as Barbara called them “Wampant Wumows”. 

- She’ll at least stick around long enough to feature Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman as her co-picks for the “Most Fascinating Person of the Year”. 

***** 

During his Easter prayer on Sunday, Pope Francis made a plea for peace and unity. 

- The head of the Detroit City Council replied, “You talkin’ to me?”

- “Peace and Unity” also happen to be two of the names Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were considering for their unborn baby, but decided they were both too “normal”.

- In an effort to get another endorsement deal, Kim and Kanye are seriously looking at the name “South West”. 

***** 

Contrary to a magazine’s report last week, Forbes say that Madonna is NOT a billionaire. 

- They noted that she has, however, slept with a billion men. 

***** 

A Bible Scholar has taken issue with The History Channel’s popular series “The Bible”. 

- To be honest, most people usually prefer the book to the movie. 

- Apparently the scholar objected to the portrayal of Eve eating Acai berries instead of an apple because they’re higher in anti-oxidents. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan is asking the court if she can still take prescription drugs while she is in a lock-down rehab center.  

- She didn’t ask about alcohol…so I guess she just assumes her room has a mini-bar. 

*****

Kobe Bryant has movied into fourth place ahead of Wilt Chamerlain on the all-time scoring list. 

- No, not THAT scoring list! 

*****

On this day in 1513 Ponce de Leon discovered what is now the state of Florida. 

- He knew he’d found Florida when he realized all the people were having dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

REMINDER: I’m taking a few weeks off from Podcasting…but all 76 of the ones I’ve done so far are up on the dickpurtan.com homepage! You pick ‘em…You play ‘em! 

Kwame A Free Man!

In a secret behind-closed-doors meeting Sunday, the Judge in the Kwame Kilpatrick trial overturned the 24 guilty verdicts against him and ordered his immediate release from the Federal Prison in Milan. No specifics were given as of Press Time. 

Kwame was dressed in a giant bunny suit with a HUGE tail performing in the  the Prison Easter Pageant when he heard the news. Fellow inmates attending the show, shared Kwame’s excitement and began pelting him with Jelly Beans, Cadbury Eggs, and gayly dyed Easter Shivs. 

On his request, Kilpatricks attorneys immediately filed papers to have his name legally changed from “Kwame Kilpatrick” to “The Hip-ity-Hop Mayor” in honor of Peter Cottontail, who he was playing in the pageant. 

Kwame was unable to get a ride from family members, who were all at K’s mom’s house (Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick) for their annual “Easter Egg Hunt” (The kids sat inside the house while the adults ran around the backyard looking for plastic eggs filled with thousands of dollars that Kwame had buried). 

Details still developing… Will keep you posted. 

*****

MICHIGAN MAKES IT TO THE FINAL FOUR FOR FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS!

After a brilliant comeback against Kansas Friday night, and an astounding 20 point blow-out in their game against the Florida Gators on Sunday, the Wolverines are just one win away from making it to the NCAA championship game. 

Now, of course, I am faced with a dilemma: I’m a big UofM fan…but I graduated from Syracuse University - the school they’ll be tipping off against in the next game. So… Do I support my Alma Mater, or my daughter Jackie’s Maize and Blue Alma Mater? 

Will have to make my decision by 8:49pm game time Saturday night. 

Stay tuned!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Hoppy Easter!!!

Happy Easter Weekend from the Purtan family to yours! I’ll be making like the Easter Bunny and Hip-Hopping over to an Easter service on Sunday. 

May you and your family have a Happy and Blessed holiday!

-Dick 

Judge "Knees" Kwame Where The Sun Don't Shine...

Kwame Kilpatrick is staying in the Hooscow until he’s sentenced. Yesterday, the Judge on his case refused his request to be released because his knee hurts. She also refused to let him out to go see his family in Texas before sentencing day. She didn’t buy his lawyers claim that K has no money and therefore is not a flight risk. 

- Next up: Kwame will admit he has some cash, but claims he’s not a flight risk because his bad knee makes it impossible for him to run. 

- His bad knee isn’t his only “Boo-Boo”…that’s also what his Cell Mate Bubba calls him. 

*****

After several days of testimony from both sides of the Gay Marriage debate, the Supreme Court will now deliberate and make it’s ruling in June. 

- If you see Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia wearing “His & His” robes in the coming weeks…it’ll be a pretty good indicator of how this is gonna turn out. 

- Ever the optomist, Bert already let Ernie put a deposit down on his wedding dress. 

*****

President Obama appointed Julia Pierson as the next director of the Secret Service, making her the first woman to ever hold that position. 

- Apparently she was the only woman in the entire US capable of keeping a secret. (JK ladies!)

*****

The CDC reports that there are over 110 million veneral disease infections in the US…with the majority occurring in College Age kids. 

- It makes sense…it takes years to get a PhD, but only about two minutes to get your STD. 

- The second largest group of infectees: Anyone who’s ever had physical contact with Madonna. 

*****

According to a survey by salary.com, 43% of employees say they waste time on the job by visiting with co-workers. 

- The other 57% waste work time by texting friends who work in other buildings. 

*****

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for hunting deer with a pistol in a Wal-Mart parking lot. 

- He would have gotten away with it if he’d been hunting at Target!

*****

Sean Penn’s 19-year-old son “Hopper” was caught on video violently shoving an African American photographer, telling him “F—- you”, and hurling gay and racial slurs at him. 

- Are they sure he’s not Mel Gibson’s son???

*****

Have a great day and Go Blue and Go Green as Michigan plays Kansas and MSU takes on Duke in the Midwest Regional Semi-Finals in the NCAA tournament tomorrow night! 

-Dick

Kwame Plays Latest "Get Out Of Jail Free" Card!

Kwame’s attorney has come up with yet another reason his dishonor should be let out of jail while he awaits sentencing: He says the Kwaminator has seriously re-injured the knee he hurt playing college football and that prison officials won’t give him proper medical treatment. 

- Chances are he re-injured it while down on his knees begging the warden to let him go. 

- Bobby Ferguson explained that Kwame tripped on his way to the commissary to buy the two of them some Ding Dongs.   

- Critics call it a “Knee-Jerk” reaction by his lawyer…since both the “knee” and the “jerk” refer to Kwame. 

***** 

Kilpatrick’s attorney also claimed that Kwame is “an indigent” and has no money or other assets that would allow him to flee. 

- I’m pretty sure the Judge is going to make sure his assets in a jail cell until the big day. 

***** 

A minor league baseball team in Pennsylvania is giving fans something to cheer about: They’re installing a “Urinal Gaming System” in all of their men’s rooms. The custom urinals, made by Captive Media, feature a “pee controlled” video screen. Players control their Avatar by “relieving” themselves in different directions. If you want to go left…you pee to the left and so on. There’s even a “Leader Board” where you can post your score. 

- Nintendo is coming out with a similar system called the Wii-Wii. 

- Kids love video games! They should have this in all the Pee-Wee League restrooms! 

- This gives a whole new meaning to “Streaming Video”. 

- Turns out your iPhone isn’t the only “Hand Held Device” you’ve got in your pocket. 

***** 

A scientist has writen a paper on how he believes dinosaurs mated. 

- The Paper is titled: “Tyranasaurus Sex”. 

- Steven Speilberg is making a movie based on the paper… Look for “No…Those Pants Do Not Make Jur-Assic Look Big” coming to a theater near you. 

***** 

Pope Francis says that he will live in a modest two-room motel-style apartment instead of the Papal Mansion for the indefinite future. 

- So if you’re looking for a nicely appointed palacial rental property for a summer Italian getaway with a great view, contact the Vatican. (No Dogs or Protestants allowed). 

*****

Governor Chris Christie promised that he will keep a “firm grip” on Prince Harry during his upcoming visit to New Jersey. 

- He developed that “firm grip” after years of holding onto thousands of “Triple-Quarter-Pounders with Bacon and Cheese”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

P.S. Don’t forget…Links to all 76 of the Podcasts we’ve done so far are up for your listening pleasure on the homepage right now! Just click here: dickpurtan.com

Bill Gates Looking For New, Um, "Laptop" Device...

Bill Gates and his foundation are offering a $100,000 grant to anyone who can build a better condom. 

- Question: Does this count as a “Software Update”? 

- Bill tried to do it himself, but his plan to install “Windows” in each condom just didn’t work out. 

- He’s taken a lot of ribbing about the grant. 

- A lot of guys would settle for one that doesn’t leave a ring impression on their wallet. 

***** 

Pope Francis met with Pope Benedict over the weekend. 

- They reportedly prayed, blessed each other, and compared their March Madness Brackets. 

- There was also a private Easter Egg Hunt…It took Benedict 15 minutes to find the eggs hidden under Pope Francis’s giant hat. 

***** 

The government sequester cuts have led to the closing of 149 air traffic control towers. 

- So now the drunken pilots aren’t going to have anybody to talk to but their drunken co-pilots. 

- Ironically, all the money the government “saved” will be spent at the Home Depot buying red paint for the giant red arrows and “LAND HERE” signs they’re going to have to put on the runways. 

***** 

People in Washington started lining up three days in advance for the Supreme Court hearings into gay marriage. 

- There haven’t been that many snappily dressed men in one place since Fashion Week in New York. 

- They camped out with the usual blankets, protest signs, and water bottles filled with a crisp Chardonay with a subtle woodsy aftertaste. 

- The crowd has been peaceful so far, except for Rosie O’Donnel who got mad because…well, that’s what she does. 

***** 

Scientists say the best way to get rid of a song that’s stuck in your head is to do a puzzle. 

- It works great…especially with pesky songs you don’t even want to think about like “It’s a Small World Afterall”, “Midnight at the Oasis” and “The Macarena”.

***** 

In an interview with Esquire, Hugh Hefner said he’s slept with over 1000 women but has never cheated on any of them. 

- It’s amazing that he’s slept with that many Bunnies and yet the Rabbit never died! 

- If Wilt Chamberlain was still alive, he’d call Hef “an amateur”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Fallon To Replace Leno! New York To Replace LA!

NBC’s announced that Jimmy Fallon will definitely replace Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show next year. In addition, after 30 years the show will be leaving LA and moving back to New York. 

- Jay is said to be depressed, but is trying to keep his chin up. 

***** 

Harry Reems, the man who co-starred with Linda Lovelace in the 1972 adult film Deep Throat, has passed away at the age of 65. His widow said his last years were “very, very hard.”

- Yup. She actually said that. 

- For obvious reasons, his “viewing” will feature an open casket. 

- A few years after Deep Throat came out, Reems leaked information to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein which ultimately screwed Richard Nixon.

*****

Disneyland is considering raising its theme park ticket prices again.

- Apparently they changed health insurance plans and Sneezy’s co-pays are astronomical. 

- Critics call it an attempt to line Donald Ducks pockets, but he doesn’t wear any pants. 

- They claim if they don’t raise the prices, they’re going to rename it “Mr. Toad’s Mild Ride”.   

- The good news is Mickey Mouse shaped popsicles will stay at the affordable price of just $15 each. 

*****

Before leaving for Israel, President Obama managed to get his Final Four picks to ESPN just in time.  

- He almost didn’t make it as the teams had to be approved by a 2/3 majority of Congress. 

- That freed him up to spend the flight on his computer, working on important things like Farmville, Words With Friends, and… the Budget!  

*****

Selena Gomez told David Letterman that she made Justin Bieber cry when they broke up. 

- And his mom told Letterman she made Justin cry when she took away his X-Box for the weekend. 

*****

A Man in Great Britain has converted a pick-up truck to run on coffee. It goes up to 60 miles per hour. 

- 20mph if you fill it up with Decaf. 

- You know you’re driving in Paris if the exhaust smells like French Vanilla.  

*****

Tiger Woods says he went public with his relationship to Olympic Skier Lindsay Vonn, to keep what he calls “the Stalkeratzzi” from making big bucks selling the “first photos” of the couple. 

- He will, however, keep his relationship with all the other women he’s seeing a secret.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick  

Spring Has Sprung! The Grass Is Riz! I Wonder Where The Flowers Is???

Yes…the long wait is over! Spring officially arrived at 6:02 EST this morning. So pack away your parka, put on a pair of shorts and head out to enjoy today’s “First Day of Spring” high temp… a balmy 28 degrees! 

Does anyone have Mother Nature’s phone number? 

Kwame Wants To Be "The Orange Rose Of Texas"!

Kwame Kilpatrick’s defense team has asked the court to let him out of the hooscow to visit his wife Carlita and his 3 sons in Texas before he is sentenced. They claim his lack of funds would make it impossible for him to be a flight risk and that he is too recognizable to sneak out of the country. 

- By “lack of funds” they mean “not counting the millions he has stashed in off-shore accounts”. 

- Why don’t Carlita and the kids come to Michigan? Who wouldn’t want to spend “Spring Break” visiting Dad in the Pen?! 

- And Carlita is a lot more comfortable flying now that you’re allowed to carry baseball bats on planes. 

*****

It’s official. In an innauguration ceremony this morning, Pope Francis became the 266th Pope in history. The service was attended by thousands of pilgrims from around the world, and Vice President Joe Biden. 

- Biden showed up late…apparently he assumed there’d be an opening act. 

***** 

Elisabeth Hasselbeck was supposed to be leaving The View…then she wasn’t…and apparently now she is again. But when work leaked that Elisabeth was being fired by Barbara Walters, Babs got furious and denied it. So now, Elizabeth will be allowed to announce her own “choice” to leave the show live on the air. 

- Of course you won’t be able to hear her over Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar. 

- They wanted to replace her with another Republican, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to Clint Eastwood or Ted Nugent. 

***** 

Today is St. Joseph’s Day…the day that the Swallows traditionally return to San Juan Capistrano, California. 

- Tomorrow the Republicans will try to have them deported and the Democrats will offer them all a free car. 

***** 

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has come out in support of gay marriage. 

- Well, she didn’t really “come out”… she just said she’s in favor of it. 

- Bill Clinton has been a long time supporter of lesbian marriage… and anything else that will end up with two chicks in the same bed. 

***** 

The chairman of the House Intelligence Committee questioned the mental stability of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. 

- It’s not so much Un’s maniacal plot to destroy the US as it is his friendship with Dennis Rodman. 

- Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was outraged saying, “Kim Jong Un is just as mentally stable as I am…and almost as good looking!”  

***** 

A man in Canada created a breakfast cereal called “Sex Cereal” that he claims boosts sexual health. 

- This is nothing new… Hookers have been enjoying “Trix” for years. 

- NOTE: Make sure you don’t accidentally pick up a box of “Fiber One”.  

***** 

A new study finds that “Nap Rooms” in the workplace encourage workers to take short naps in the afteroon to re-charge. 

- Male employees have asked that the nap room be located inside the “breast-feeding room”. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

REMINDER: I’m taking a few Fridays off from my regular Podcast, so for the first time ever, we’ve posted all 76 of them on the dickpurtan.com homepage. Just “Pick and Click”! (I believe that’s also the name of a morning show team in Cleveland!)  

"Car In A Wreck? How Can I Help You...SHREK?"

As part of Monica Conyers early release from prison it was required that she get a job…and she did! She’s working at the Metroshop Collision repair shop in Corktown answering phones. 

- Her boss says she’s doing great…except when gets mad at the customers, calls them “Shrek”, and hangs up on ‘em.

- A collision shop is a lot like the Detroit City Council. They promise you they’ll get something done in a week and it takes a month and comes in over budget.  

***** 

The U.S. will be represented at the Vatican for the installation ceremony for Pope Francis by Joe Biden. According to reports he doesn’t speak English.  

- And neither does the Pope.   

- Bill Clinton wanted to go to meet chicks, but declined when he found out the “College of Cardinals” isn’t Co-ed.  

***** 

Scientists say sex in space may be bad for your health.  

- Besides, it’s hard to fit two claw footed bathtubs inside the spaceship. 

***** 

McDonald’s is introducing an Egg McMuffin without a yolk.

- Luckily you can still get the Sat Fat you crave by ordering a large fry to go with it. 

***** 

Clint Eastwood was on hand for the wedding of his daughter Allison this weekend. 

- Clint got mad when he asked the groom, “Do you feel lucky, punk?” and the guy responded, “Heck…I got lucky with her on our first date!” 

- Clint then hit him over the head with a Magnum of Champagne. 

***** 

At the Gay & Lesbian awards, Madonna, while giving a prize to Anderson Cooper, protested the Boy Scouts’ ban on Gays by wearing a Boy Scout uniform.

- She’s a real trooper…she even wore her STD Merit Badge! 

***** 

Have a great day…and FYI, I’m taking a few weeks off from doing my regular Friday Podcast. So for your listening pleasure, for the first time ever we have a complete list of links to ALL the Podcasts we’ve done, from the very first one, right up to the very latest. All 76 of them are ready for you to click on and listen to ON OUR HOMEPAGE! NOTE: You don’t have to listen to them all at once… pick your favorite number and give it a shot!

Have a great Monday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick  

Day 3 In Prison: Kwame Turns To Online Dating Site For Romance!

Hey BFF (Best Ferginator Forever)… need your opinion. Found a great dating website for inmates - e-Incarcerated.com - and wrote up a little profile for myself on some toilet paper. Would love your input, Bro. I’d ask my cell mate, but he’d only get jealous. He says he’s looking for a “commited relationship”, winks at me,  and keeps asking me if his orange jumpsuit makes his butt look big. (It does btw).

Here my Profile: 

What’s up yo? Are you a hot lonely chick who has a thing for wrongly concicted Felonious Fellas? Has a conjugal visit always been your idea of the perfect “Date Night”? Are you looking for a guy who will spend big bucks buying you the things you deserve… from the prison commissary? Then look no further!

I am a slim and trim man - handsome as hell - (think Denzel Washington) in incredible shape. I am very well off financially. (In an effort to be honest - which I ALWAYS AM… I do owe a little bit of money to a city in the Midwest but it’s not much…think parking ticket).  

I am not married (as far as you know) but would be willing to settle down with the right girl. 

Are you that girl? I hope so… Do you enjoy getting together two Sundays a month between 1pm and 2pm, holding hands in a room full of convicts and armed guards? Do you enjoy funny stories about guys getting shived in the shower? Do you like watching puffy clouds through windows with bars on them? Would you be willing to relocate to an as yet unnamed city with a Federal Prison in the area? If so, you could be “The One”!

Looks are not important to me…Your HEART is what matters! (Although willingness to slip me a few bucks now and then would be a plus.) 

If you’re interested in a long-term (say, 20+ year) relationship and have ever worked as a pole-dancer,  e-mail me your bio and pic (clothes optional) ASAP. 

I am waiting for you, oh woman of my dreams. 

Looking forward to your prompt response so we can begin our future together and start gettin’ it on. 

Yours,

Hot-In-The-Slammer