It’s “National Thesaurus Day”!!!… I wish I could think of a word to describe how excited I feel about that!!!

It’s also “National Peking Duck Day”… So if you see a Duck Peking in your window… tell him to put some pants on!

*****

The famous Von Trapp family from “The Sound of Music” is developing a dramatic TV series about their lives following the iconic movie. Producers say it WON’T be a musical.

- So the Network will be the only one getting any “Do-Re-Mi”.

- And since it’s a more modern version, instead of wearing Drapes, in the new TV Series, Maria makes the Von Trapp kids clothes out of Venetian Blinds.

- Plus… to appeal to today’s “Woke” audience, in the new Series, Captain Von Trapp identifies as a Woman and - in a moment of irony - leaves Maria and the kids - to join the Convent as Austria’s first Trans Nun.

*****

Speaking of Nuns…

The World’s oldest known living person- Sister Andre - a French Nun - died yesterday at the age of 118. No cause of death has been released.

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say………….. OLD AGE???

*****

A new study warns that eating just one portion of freshwater fish from US lakes and rivers — such as a Catfish or Trout — could expose people to a tremendous amount of harmful “Forever Chemicals”.

- Well this is just GREAT! First they tried to shove Plant-Based MEAT down our throats… Now they’re gonna be pushing, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Catfish!”

*****

Madonna announced that she will play Little Caesars Arena on Saturday, August 5th as part of a 40th Anniversary North American and European Concert run called Madonna: The Celebration Tour.

- And like everything that touches Madonna, the news has already gone Viral.

*****

The Department of the Interior will replace the word "Squaw" in the names of Public Lands and Waterways because it's considered an "Offensive ethnic, racial and sexist slur, particularly for Indigenous women". The announcement was made by Interior Secretary, Deb Haaland.

- So we can't say "Squaw" (which means "Woman") But we can still refer to a woman as a "Secretary"??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A second batch of Classified Documents from President Biden’s time as V.P. has been found… this time in the garage of one of his homes “Next to my Corvette”.

- So Trump had “Mar a Lago”… And Biden’s got “Car-a-Lago”.

*****

Scientists from Indiana University report the average age that humans conceive children over the past 250,000 years is 26.9 years old… With the average man becoming a father at 30.7 year old… and women giving birth at 23.2 years.

- BOTTOM LINE: Even 250,000 years ago… Men went for a younger chick in the sexy loin cloth.

*****

Julia Roberts says she was “Shocked” to find out that her last name is really “Mitchell” after appearing on the Ancestry show “Finding Your Roots”. Turns out her Great, Great Grandmother Rhoda Suttle Roberts had an affair with a married man - Henry Mitchell - after her husband Willis Roberts died… and THAT man is Julia’s Great Great Grandfather.

- Well apparently Julia’s Great Great Grandmother was a “Pretty Woman”, too.

*****

According to new research, listening to music reduced stress during the pandemic.

- Unless, of course, you listened to “All By MYSELF” by Eric Carmen” or “Every BREATH You Take“ by the Police.

*****

Archaeologists in Germany have uncovered some of the earliest evidence of the use of clothing, with newly discovered cut marks on a bear paw suggesting the prehistoric animals were skinned for their fur some 300,000 years ago.

- This explains why they saw the “Dittrich’s Furs” sign over the entrance to the Cave.

*****

An English model whose had 16 breast implant procedures now says that she’s been left in “agony” with severe back pain after her latest operation.

- Well I’m glad she got THAT off her chest.

*****

Six journalists in South Sudan have been arrested for circulating video that appears to show President Salva Kiir wetting himself at an official event.

- He was giving a speech on “Trickle Down Economics” at the time.

*****

RIP… Jeff Beck… Jeff Beck, the rock guitarist who rose to fame when he replaced Eric Clapton in the Yardbirds and often regarded among the greatest guitarist of all time, has died at 78 after contracting Bacterial Meningitis.

and

RIP… Charles White… the legendary USC running back and winner of the 1979 Heisman Trophy died Wednesday at the age of 64. No cause of death has been released.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National “Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day”.

- So if your name is Dot… This is YOUR Day!!!

*****

According to his Publisher Prince Harry's memoir “Spare” sold 400,000 copies in it’s first day, making it the “fastest-selling Non-Fiction Book of all time”.

- … Or as the Royal Family calls it the “Fastest-selling FICTION Book of all-time”.

*****

Thousands of Flights across the US were grounded by the FAA this morning after a Computer Safety System went down for several hours.

- There were a few exceptions… Flights from Mexico were allowed to come in across the Southern Border… No Questions Asked.

*****

Yesterday, the newly sworn in House of Representatives voted 221 to 210 to rescind more than $70 billion in funding earmarked to hire 87,000 new IRS agents.

- YAY!!!!!!!!

*****

The University of Southern California's School of Social Work will no longer use the word "Field" because it "may have connotations for descendants of slavery and immigrant workers that are not benign," according to a letter from the department. From now on, they’ll use the word “Practicum” instead.

- Did someone complain or did that just come out of Left Practicum??

*****

A new study finds that less than 4% of men are accepted as sperm donors.

- But on a bright note… in this “Woke” World, 9 out of the top 10 Sperm Donors in the US will soon be… WOMEN!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-.. .. -.-. -.- (Dick)

The former First Lady of France, Carla Bruni is being called a “racist” by some after she posted an edited photo of Harry and Meghan on Social Media which replaced Meghan Markle with Yoko Ono.

- I’m not a big fan of Meghan… but c’mon! Her singing voice can’t be THAT bad!

*****

Yesterday, it was revealed that some Classified Documents from Joe Biden time as Obama’s VP were found in a locked drawer in a rarely used office at a Biden “Think Tank” in Washington, D.C.

- I don’t know what’s funnier… the Irony of the situation… or the idea that the “Think Tank” was described as “Rarely Used”.

*****

The US Government is reportedly considering a ban on GAS STOVES (used by about 40% of American homes for cooking)… claiming that they are a “source of indoor pollution” that - according to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission - may contribute to respiratory illnesses.

- Next Up… They’re gonna teach us how to cook bacon, eggs… and Toast… on the engine of our ELECTRIC CARS!!!!

- Hey… while the Prez is in Mexico, maybe he could work out a plan to eliminate Gas AFTER eating Burritos and Refried Beans??

*****

Two female best friends who describe themselves as “Platonic Life Partners” are living together after they were each Divorced from previous partners.

- Relationship Experts even have a fancy term for this kind of living arrangement: It’s called “Roommates”.

*****

One of the many revelations Prince Harry made in his autobiography “Spare” which hit bookstores today: He ended up with a Frost Bitten Penis (or “Todger” as he called it - must be a British thing) during a 200 Mile Charity Walk in the Arctic that left him in great pain during William and Kate’s 2011 Wedding.

- Did he not realize he needed to put on Fur lined underwear when his Wee Willie Winkie started to Wee Willie Shrinky???

*****

A recent study of U.S. adults over 50 found that those who owned a pet for more than five years scored better on cognitive memory tests than those living without “Interspecies Housemates”.

- “Interspecies Housemates”?? That sounds like a new Reality Show where the Kardashians move in with the cast of “Duck Dynasty”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new study finds that 68% of American singles would kiss on the first date. Additionally, 80% say they would be open to kissing on the second date, and 88% would kiss on the third date.

- And if you don’t get a kiss by then, you better KISS your chances goodbye!

*****

The Lions beat the Green Bay Packers Sunday in Green Bay 20 -16… That brings the overall record between the two teams’ 187 match-ups to Packers 105 Wins… Lions… 75 Wins (counting yesterday) and 7 ties.

Despite the win… the Lions were eliminated from the Playoffs because of the weird scheduling that occurred when Damar Hamlin suffered Cardiac Arrest during last weeks Bills/Bengals game. Seattle got the final Playoff spot by winning their game yesterday, before the Lions even played. (Confused?? So am I…!!!)

But… the Buffalo Bills did beat the NE Patriots 35 - 23… so yesterday was a good day overall for my two Hometown teams… Detroit & Buffalo!

*****

Prince Harry sat down for a bunch of conflicting TV interviews ahead of the release of his bombshell Memoir, “Spare”… telling 60 Minutes that his step mother, now Queen Consort Camilla was a “Villain” and “Dangerous” but just 12 hours later telling Good Morning America that he has “Great compassion for her”.

- Meghan immediately defended Harry’s flip flop saying, as a Woman, It’s HER perogative to change HIS mind.

*****

Alec Baldwin - father to 6 kids ages 9 to 1 with his current wife Hilaria is going to be a GRANDPA! Turns out his 27 year old daughter Ireland - who he shares with ex-wife Kim Bassinger - is expecting!

- Ireland isn’t married… but I’m bettin’ if Alec has anything to say about it… there’s a Shotgun Wedding in her future.

*****

M&M's has launched Woke “All-Female” packs of their famous candies to celebrate female empowerment... featuring the companies three female mascots: Green & Brown (who some claim are a “Lesbian Couple” - TRUE) along with the new “Plumper” Purple M&M which is supposed to represent “Body Positivity”.

- Wait a minute… If the Green and Brown M&M’s are Lesbians… Does that mean the Three Musketeers Candy Bar means more than I thought it did when they say, “All for One… And One for ALL???”

*****

Gisele Bündchen posed topless for a Louis Vuitton campaign - her official return to modeling following her divorce from Tom Brady.

- After Tampa Bay’s 30 -17 loss to Atlanta yesterday… looks like Tom lost on Two Fronts.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

UPDATE: Great news from the Buffalo Bills this morning… Doctors say that Damar Hamlin has made “Remarkable progress” in the last 24 hours, and that while he “remains critically ill” - he appears to be “NEUROLOGICALLY INTACT”!!! Fantastic news!!!

Also, NFL Network Insider Ian Rapoport said that Hamlin opened his eyes on Wednesday night, is responsive and has been gripping the hands of those close to him.

Meanwhile… I apologize for the erroneous report about the Bills/Bengals game being scheduled for this Sunday. That report on the news turned out to be incorrect. As of now… the NFL says they are still in discussions.

*****

On Tuesday’s episode of the PBS genealogical history show “Finding Your Roots”, Actor Ed Norton found out that the real-life Pocahontas is his 12th Great Grandmother.

- Well that explains the “World’s Greatest Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Great-Great Grandson” Peace Pipe he got for Christmas from Elizabeth Warren!

*****

The House of Representatives heads back for Day 3 of Voting in their as yet failed attempt to elect a Speaker of the House… with Republican favorite Kevin McCarthy coming up short in the first 6 votes.

- This is nuts! Elections in America usually go so smoothly!?!?!

*****

President Biden announced that he “Intends” to visit the Southern Border next week… His first trip since his inauguration almost two years ago.

- Why the rush??

*****

A guest essay in the NY Times insisted that being short is “better” for the future of the planet because shorter people eat less and use less resources than their taller counterparts… and even went so far as to say that people should “Consciously start seeking out shorter partners to mate with to produce a shorter society”.

- Well this certainly explains Snow White’s relationship with the Seven Dwarves…

*****

Frontier Airlines and an Animal Shelter announced that they will provide free flight vouchers to whoever adopts one of three kittens that are named “Frontier”, “Spirit” and “Delta”.

- The kittens were originally all called “Southwest”… but the names were changed when - just like Southwest’s planes - they weren’t goin’ anywhere.

*****

A town in the UK was forced to cancel its New Year’s Eve Harbor Fireworks display when a locally known WALRUS named “THOR” showed up and began “Pleasuring Himself” on the beach. Local officials were afraid the fireworks would “Startle” THOR and “interrupt him”.

- Couldn’t they have just POSTPONED the fireworks a minute or two?? Did they have to CANCEL ‘em??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Update: Jordan Rooney, a representative for the Buffalo Bills and the Hamlin Family confirmed that Damar Hamlin remains sedated in Critical Condition at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center… but added that his vital signs are improving! Meanwhile the Bills confirmed that Players will return to practice today… as preparations begin for the game with the Bengals which has now been rescheduled for this coming Sunday.

*****

I really enjoyed reading all of your comments about yesterdays post… It was amazing to hear the stories of many of you who, like me, were there at Tiger Stadium in 1971 and witnessed when the Lions’ Wide Receiver Chuck Hughes collapsed and died right on the field.

Much like last night’s tragic event - which will hopefully have a better outcome for Damar Hamlin - it’s one we’ll never forget.

As of this writing, the game between the Bills and the Bengals has not yet been rescheduled.

*****

Now… for a look at some other things in the news!

The mother of Hunter Biden's love child requested an Arkansas court to change the last name of her 4-year-old daughter to “Biden” so she can enjoy the same “benefits of the name as the other Biden grandchildren”.

- Rumor has it her Pre-School Artwork is already BETTER than her Dad, Hunter’s!

*****

CNN’s Don Lemon is still being roasted on Social Media for MISSING the Countdown to Midnight during the network’s New Year’s Eve broadcast from New Orleans as he danced to the X-rated, expletive laced Rap song, “Back that Azz Up”.

- Yup. THIS… is CNN.

*****

A new poll has found that nearly half of the British public thinks Prince Harry should have his title removed following his and Meghan’s Netflix docu-series.

- The other half think the fact that Meghan had his “Family Jewels” removed was punishment enough.

*****

According to a recent study… 2 in 3 people give up on their New Year’s resolutions by January 31st.

- Seriously?? Why didn’t they give them up on January 2nd or 3rd like the rest of us??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

I had planned to be back with a round up of what’s been going on since we took our little “Holiday Break”, but…

Like many of you, I was watching the Buffalo/Cincinnati Playoff game last night when Buffalo Safety Back Damar Hamlin collapsed on the field after tackling Bengals wide receiver Tee Higgins about halfway through the first quarter. Medics perfomed CPR for an astounding 9 minutes on the field as players from both teams knelt in a tight circle around Hamlin, joined in Prayer, as doctors worked and an ambulance was backed onto the field to transport him to the hospital as players, coaches, fans and broadcasters struggled for what to do… and say.

The game, obviously, was delayed… and eventually - rightly - postponed to an as yet undetermined date. At the time, Cincinnati was leading the Bills 7 -3.

As of this morning, Doctors say Damar had a Cardiac Arrest on the field… but is now sedated and is in critical condition at the University of Cincinnati Medical Centerl. 24 years old. A heart attack. Unbelievable.

Needless to say, our thoughts are Prayers are with Damar, his Family & the Bills.

I have to tell you… When Hamlin when down last night, I was immediately taken back to a Lions game my wife Gail and I went to back on Sunday, October 24 1971. The Lions were playing the Bears at Tiger Stadium.

Another young player… 28 year old Wide Receiver Chuck Hughes started to make his way back to the Lions huddle after a pass by QB Greg Landry intended for Receiver Charlie Sanders went Incomplete. I watched as Hughes who was walking back from the End Zone… arms at his sides… collapsed face first onto the grass - straight down from where we were sitting. The Bears Dick Butkus, who was nearby, went over to Hughes - clearly sensing something was very wrong - and began frantically waving at the Lions bench for help. Team doctors and medical personnel ran over to where Hughes was laying facedown on the field motionless, his arms at his sides. And through the Zoom on my binoculars - I could actually see his face turn bluish gray.

He was taken to the hospital… and the game continued. It wasn’t until later that we found out that Chuck Hughes was officially pronounced dead at Henry Ford Hospital.

But I think most of us in the stands that day… at least in my section… sensed that he was gone in that moment.. The first and only time an NFL player has died on the Field.

Prayers that it stays that way.

*****

The End of 2022 and the Beginning of 2023 have already brought major loses…

RIP… Pope Benedict XVI who died at 95.

RIP… Barbara Walters who died at 93.

RIP… Anita Pointer of the Pointer Sisters who has died at 74.

Have a good day… and we’ll be back tomorrow… hopefully with some better news!!!

-Dick

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and were able to spend time with the ones you love!

Jackie and I are going to take the week off to recharge our batteries (After a lot of pressure, we’ve decided to switch from Gas powered to Electric comedy in 2023) and will be back to take on the New Year with you next Monday, January 2!!!

Have a great week and we’ll see you soon!

-Dick & Jackie

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours… Merry Christmas!!!

May the Joy and Peace of the Season fill your Hearts & Your Homes…

- Dick & Jackie

Wishing you Safe Travels and Sending Warm Wishes for a Magical Christmas Eve!!!

See you back here tomorrow… Christmas Day!!!

-Dick & Jackie

A new study finds that an exercise “Advent calendar” - where you open a door each day leading up to Christmas to find a Holiday themed “Exercise” - could help get people off the sofa and shed a few pounds during the holidays.

- Personally, I go with a modified “12 Days of Christmas” Workout… I hire “Ten Lords a Leaping” and “7 Swans a Swimming” to go to the Heath Club for me.

- And then I have one of my “Four Calling Birds” dial my favorite Italian joint and order me a Pizza.

*****

Four runaway Cows in Quebec were caught in a Covert operation and returned to their thankful owner.

- What were four Cows doing running a Covert Operation?? Wouldn’t that be a Cow-Vert Operation??

- So basically the Cows were on the Lam…. You gotta admit she’s a good sport!

*****

Ladies and Gentlemen… According the the latest “guidance” from Stanford University, we’re not supposed to say “American” anymore… we’re supposed to say “U.S Citizen”.

- Which reminds… I’m not supposed to say “Ladies and Gentlemen” either… which I just did at the top of the story. My apologies.

*****

Nick Cannon admitted he feels “guilt” over not being able to spend enough time with all of his 11 kids which he’s had by 6 different women.

- WORD OF ADVICE FOR NICK: If you want to have more time for your kids… STOP spending so much time with their mothers!!!

*****

Dolly Parton says she wrote a brand new song and buried it in a Time Capsule at her Dollywood Resort. It won’t be opened until 2045 - 23 years from now - when Dolly will be 99.

- She said the song is, “So good peoples jaws will drop”.

- … Along with a couple of other things!

*****

The life expectancy for the average U.S. citizen has hit a 25 YEAR LOW, according to data from the CDC… with people born in the US during 2021 expected to live 76.4 years - the lowest average on record since 1996.

- Interesting information… So don’t say I didn’t get you anything for Christmas!!!

*****

Have a great day… Be safe in the Snowstorm… and I’ll see you back here Christmas Eve!!!

-Dick

Looks like we’re going to be more than “Dreaming of a White Christmas… Just Like the One We Used to Know!!!” The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Watch for all of Southeast Michigan starting Thursday night and running all the way through Christmas Eve. We’ll see Rain, Freezing Rain, Falling Temps, 5 to 8 INCHES OF SNOW and Winds UP to 50 MPH.

- It’s gonna be Frosty and Slushy and Blustery… who by the way also happen to be the three of Santa’s Reindeer who got fired for not getting the COVID Shot.

*****

Last week, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 3/4 of a MILLION DOLLARS worth of Viagra that smugglers were attempting to sneak into the country.

- Prosecutors are confidents the charges will hold up in Court.

- It’s too bad Viagra doesn’t work for Women… It would make a great Stocking Stuffer.

*****

An Australian homeowner got an unexpected festive surprise when he found a snake slithering under his family’s Christmas tree.

- He was even more surprised when the snake started singing, “We Three King Cobras of Orient Are”

- Wait… Am I still allowed to say “Orient”??

*****

According to a new poll, 61% of Americans say record inflation has impacted the types of presents they asked “Santa” for Christmas this year.

- For instance, in lieu of socks… this year a majority of Americans are asking for a new Government.

*****

A French hospital was partially evacuated Saturday after an 88 year old man arrived with a World War I artillery shell lodged…… where the sun don’t shine. The man went to the hospital to have the explosive removed — but instead sparked a “bomb scare”.

- All May Have Been Quiet On The Western Front… But Things are Still Out of Control At OUR (and HIS!!!) “Southern Border”!!!

- This isn’t the first time a German Weapon has snuck up on a Frenchmen from the Rear.

*****

25-year-old professional boxer Teofimo Lopez said in a recent interview that fighting is “better than intercourse.”

- I’ve heard of “Make-Up Sex”… after a fight... but I’ve never hear of “Make-Up Fighting” after sex.

*****

RIP… Franco Harris… the Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers running back who was known for making a miraculous catch in the AFC Divisional Playoffs against the Oakland Raiders in 1972, has died at 72. His death comes just days before the Steelers were set to retire his No. 32 jersey and celebrate the 50th anniversary of his "Immaculate Reception".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Marsi Parker Darwin of Waterloo, Michigan is seeking Guinness World Records recognition for her pet chicken, Peanut, who is believed to be the oldest Chicken in the world at the age of 20. The paperwork has been submitted… but no word from Guinness yet.

- Amazingly enough, she’s had that Chicken around for 20 YEARS and she still has NO IDEA why it crosses the road.

*****

O.J. Simpson has once again insisted he did not father Kim Kardashian’s sister Khloe and called rumors he had an affair with her mother Kris Jenner “Nowhere close to being true”.

- Well he’s always seemed like a man of his word…

*****

Residents of San Bernardino County, California approved a ballot measure directing officials to look into the possibility of separating from California to establish a new state.

- They don’t actually mind being part of the “State of California”… it’s the "State of Insanity” they’re trying to get away from.

*****

A 30 year old woman broke into Robert DeNiro’s Manhattan home and attempted to steal the presents under his Christmas tree. DeNiro called Police who arrested the woman who they believe is a “Serial Burglar” who has been targeting homes in the neighborhood.

- She may have asked Santa for a Pony for Christmas… but DeNiro’s gonna make sure she just gets the Horse’s Head.

*****

Prison inmates in Spain have produced thousands of clay figurines of World Leaders and Celebs relieving themselves… with their pants down.

- Isn’t that the way it’s normally done?

- So the Rain in Spain Stays Mainly on the Plain… And thanks to these felons, You can see Putin’s Pee Pee Go Wee Wee while he makes his Commie Bladder Gladder!!

- NOTE: If you're interested in buying the Kim Kardashian figurine... it cost twice as much since they have to use so much Clay.

*****

James Cameron revealed he has documented a “scientific study” that proves TWO PEOPLE COULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED ON THE FLOATING DOOR AT THE END OF THE MOVIE “Titanic.” He says we’ll see the proof in a TV special in February and that “Will be the end of it”.

- Or maybe it will be just the tip of the iceberg…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!!! (AND HANNUKAH!!!)

The US faces the coldest Christmas in YEARS as temperatures drop “Much below normal' as an Arctic Air Mass and Major Snowstorms are set to cause travel headaches and send much of the country into a polar freeze. We’re expecting a high of 15 here in Detroit on Christmas Day.

- %$^# Global Warming!

*****

The Lions continued their remarkable winning streak beating the NY Jets 20 -17 Sunday! Next Up: Saturday at 1pm when they face the Panthers in Carolina!

Yes Virginia… (So far…) There IS a Santa Claus!!!

*****

Argentina beat France 4 -2 in a dramatic OT win at the World Cup Final on Sunday in Qutar.

Bottom line: Ain’t NOBODY Cryin’ for Argentina!

*****

The movie “Avatar: Way of Water” packed in audiences and earned $435 million Globally over the weekend… but still needs to make another $2 BILLION to make back what it cost to make.

- I’m no mathematician, but the way I figure it, to break even they need to either sell 200 MILLION more tickets @ 10 bucks a piece… OR sell a couple Extra Large Buckets of Buttered Popcorn.

*****

The World’s Largest Indoor Aquarium - a 46 ft high, 246,000 gallon tank filled with 1500 exotic fish in the lobby of the Radisson hotel in Berlin, Germany suddenly burst on Friday morning, spilling water, fish and broken glass through the hotel lobby and out onto the street.

- The bad news… none of the fish survived. The good news? The Berlin Radisson is hosting an “Exotic Fish Fry” tonight… and it’s “All You Can Eat”!!!

*****

Great news!!!!! According to a new report, there's a chance Netflix may be making more “Addams Family” spinoffs following the success of “Wednesday”… the movie about the Addam’s creepy daughter.

- How about a spinoff starring the new Senator from Pennsylvania?? “Uncle Festermann”?!?!?!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A 12-year-old football player with a tattoo and facial hair was crowned MVP of the 2022 Youth National Football Championships… But most say there’s no way he’s 12. His defenders say he's just "mature for his age".

- His wife and eight kids say he's twelve... so I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.

*****

Happy Birthday to Dick Van Dyke who is 97 today!

- In the words of his late on-screen wife Mary Tyler Moore… “Oh Rob!!!”

*****

Twitter CEO Elon Musk lost his title as the World's Richest Man to a French Billionaire after Musk's net worth fell $107 BILLION in the past year.

- Musk attributes the loss to three things: His $44 BILLION purchase of Twitter, a fall in the price of Tesla stock, and buying 93 Premium Grade Gas for his Rocket ship. (He may have to switch to 87 Grade).

*****

Director James Cameron will be forced to miss the Hollywood premiere of his new movie, “Avatar: The Way of Water” due to testing positive for COVID-19.

- And I’ll be forced to miss it, too… because I wasn’t invited.

*****

A Florida man was arrested after he allegedly hit his wife with a Christmas tree after she asked for help with making dinner. Police say they believe "alcohol may have been involved in the incident".

- Ya think?

- The woman posted bail for her husband... but said "So much for ‘Hamburger Helper’'".

*****

A Colorado Zoo said a Baby Koala that was born recently has started to peek its head out from its mother's pouch... but we may not know the baby Koala’s sex for another six months.

- Does it really matter? The way things are going these day... even if it's a Boy Koala, chances are it's gonna "identify" as a Bi-Polar Bear by the time it can Hop on its own.

*****

The NYC Police Department is looking for a man they say robbed a Wendy’s by threatening the cashier with a knife. But he didn't take any cash - instead he stuffed a bunch of cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets in his pants before taking off.

- He originally tried to shove a Frosty down his pants, but changed his mind, "Because of... you know... Shrinkage".

*****

It’s National Cupcake Day! I’ve got to admit… I’ve always enjoyed ‘em! Especially when they’re homemade! “When they’re Real… They’re Spectacular!!!!” 😉… 👍🏻👍🏻

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The internet went crazy when people spotted First Lady Jill Biden slipping the President something that he immediately put in his mouth and swallowed right before he delivered a speech yesterday.

- Some say it was Candy. Some say it was some sort of “Memory boosting Medication”. I’m going with the Viagra Bill Clinton sends Joe every year in his “Happy Ho-Ho-Holiday’s Gift Basket!”

*****

Harry and Meghan are largely being blasted on social media for their Netflix Documentary that critics claim is a staged “whine-fest” full of self-indulgence and unfair slams against the Royal Family.

- Well there goes the “World’s Best Sister-in-Law!” Coffee Mug Meghan was hoping to get from William and Kate on Christmas morning.

*****

A Florida realtor was stunned to find a nude couple having sex in the pool on the property she was preparing to show a client.

- When asked by the police what exactly the couple was doing, she said, “Well… I don’t know how to explain it exactly… but it was definitely more than the Back Stroke.”

*****

A man who was kicked out of a restaurant in Boca Raton for being “belligerent”, decided to protest by dropping his pants on the sidewalk, then did some acrobatics and “performed a musical number” before being taken into custody by police.

- Some diners on the scene said it was the first time they’d seen someone do the “Y.M.C.A.” …….. with an “Exclamation Point”.

*****

According to a new survey, nearly half of Americans feel bad taking time off from work when they’re Sick.

- But if you look at all the employment statistics, it appears a lot of people have no problem NOT going to work when they’re Perfectly Healthy.

*****

Disgraced 30 year old crypto king Sam Bankman-Fried is behind bars in the Bahamas after being arrested JUST ONE DAY before he was set to testify to the US Congress.

- Coincidence???? Maybe.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Sam Bankman-Fried, the disgraced former CEO of collapsed Crypto Currency firm FTX, was arrested in The Bahamas yesterday, just one day before he was scheduled to testify in front of House Financial Services Committee via video.

- He could be extradited back to the US this week… but not before he gets his Prison Haircut.

*****

According the The NY Times… John Fetterman isn’t just Pennsylvania’s newest Senator… he’s one of the “93 Most Stylish People of the Year”. Fetterman is featured alongside other fashion “Icons” like Kim Kardashian and Beyonce… wearing his traditional uniform: shorts, tennis shoes and a hoodie.

- He’s also been cast in a new Netflix movie set in the 1830’s (TRUE!). And if you ask me… if they ever decide to remake “Young Frankenstein”… I think we’ve got the perfect guy to step into the late Peter Boyle’s rather large shoes.

*****

Tom Brady was reportedly so upset after the Bucs 35 - 7 Loss to the 49ers on Sunday… he left Levi's Stadium WITHOUT A SHOWER before flying 3,000 miles back to his home in Florida.

- QUESTION: Did you EVER… in your WILDEST DREAMS… think the LIONS would be having as GOOD a YEAR as TOM BRADY??? (Both are 6 and 7).

*****

The Biden Aministration’s Non-Binary Nuclear Waste Expert Sam Brinton, who uses the Pronouns They/Them, was fired from his job at the Department of Energy over claims they stole two designer suitcases worth thousands of dollars from airports Minneapolis and Las Vegas.

- I’d tell you more about this story, but to be honest I have no idea what a “Non-Binary Nuclear Waste Expert” is.

*****

The new movie called "The Whale," starring Brendan Fraser as a 600 pound man, scored a big opening in NY and LA this weekend.

- If I want to see a 600 pound man, I can skip the movie and just take a look at myself in the mirror after eating my way through the holidays.

*****

Today is “National Radio Day”… and in honor of that…

A guy calls a radio show in England and says “I can make up a joke - instantly - about any subject!”

So the Radio guy says, “Okay… How about the new King?”

And the guy on the phone says, “The King is Not a Subject!” (Ba da Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hunter Biden was seen at a New York City art gallery selling his paintings to some unidentified buyers for BIG BUCKS.

- Hunter gives new meaning to “Paint by Numbers” and those “Numbers” are 200 GRAND a piece!!

*****

The Lions beat the Vikings Sunday 34 -23 bringing their record to 6 and 7… making it possible for them to win a spot in the Playoffs!!! QB Jared Goff is playing great - as are both the offense and defense… They look like a new team!!! Go LIONS!!!

Meanwhile the Buffalo Bills are 10 -3 having won their game against the NY Jets 20 -12. I mention that because - remember - Buffalo’s my hometown! Go BILLS!!!!

Quarterbacks Jared Goff of the Lions and Josh Allen of the Bills are having stellar seasons… Nice to be able to root for teams that are winning! (Especially the Lions!!)

*****

It took two years... but a Judge in Philadelphia finally ruled that a wooden box that had been erected to cover a statue of Christopher Columbus during the "Social Justice Protests" of 2020 had to be torn down... and now Chris is back overlooking the city.

- In 1492... Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue... And 530 years later in 2022, the Judge told the protestors… Screw you!

*****

According to a new study, kids who watch too much TV are at risk for becoming smokers and gamblers when they grow up.

- Especially if their parents let them watch reruns of "The Sopranos".

*****

A Detroit Popeyes restaurant was forced to close after a DoorDash driver posted video that showed it was infested with cockroaches.

- On a bright note... the Cockroaches were available in Regular and Extra Crispy!

*****

Archaeologists in Turkey found a 10,000-year-old wall carving of a man holding his genitals.

- So… it’s true! Even 10,000 years ago… “Boys will be Boys!”

- And ironically enough… today just happens to be “National Ding-a-Ling Day!!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Stormy Daniels lawyer Michael Avenatti was sentenced to 14 years in prison for dodging taxes and stealing millions of $$$ from his clients… just 2 years after some in the media were pushing for him to run for President.

- Avenatti’s still gonna run… away from a cellblock full of guys named “Bubba”.

*****

New York is poised to become the sixth state to legalize ‘human composting’ — where people pay $7,000 to be turned into “Soil” after they die that can be used by their families to start a garden.

- So now, even when Grandma’s GONE parents can still say to their kids… “Over the River and Though the Woods… to Grandma’s House We Go!”

*****

CNN’s Don Lemon says he hopes to see ABC anchor’s TJ Holmes and Amy Robach - who have been suspended for having an affair - so he can “Give ‘em a hug”… saying we shouldn’t judge people in these situations “until we know what all the facts are”.

- You know… kind of like Don did during the whole Jussie Smollett hoax thing.

*****

The Washington Post slammed Discovery Channel’s "Shark Week” for featuring too many White men as “Shark Experts” and repeatedly broadcasting "negative messages" about Sharks. The Post’s conclusion?? The show is “Racist”.

- What’s next? Separate Aquarium bathrooms for Rainbow Trout??

*****

American Girl… makers of a popular line of dolls… is facing intense backlash after they published a “Guide for Girls” age 3 to 12 with advice on taking puberty blockers and other ways to alter their gender.

- Things used to be so simple… Dolls for girls. Action figures for boys. Now it looks like we’ll all be getting coupons for stuff like “G.I. Joe’s Foxhole-Ready Eyeshadow/Lipstick Combo Kit”.

*****

According to new research, some COVID-19 infections are causing liver damage lasting months after diagnosis.

- Dr. Fauci says it’s possible to minimize the damage, but the hard part is getting the mask to stay on your liver.

*****

RIP… The over 2400 men who were killed at Pearl Harbor on this date, December 7, 1941.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick