Congrats to Michigan who defeated Alabama 27-20 in the Rose Bowl yesterday… and are now headed to the National Championship Game!!! The No. 1 Wolverines (14-0) will face the No. 2 Washington Huskies (14-0) in the College Football Playoff National Championship game this Monday, Jan. 8 in Houston. GO BLUE!!

*****

So… It’s 2024! The New Year is finally here… and what a year it’s gonna be!

So much going on and we’re here for it! As always… the crack staff of investigative journalists here at Dick Purtan’s Official Fan Page (Okay… Jackie and I) promise to bring you the very latest, most accurate info on topics of vital interest to our country: The upcoming Presidential Election… The Border Crisis… What Taylor Swift wore to the Chiefs game… If it impacts Your world… You’ll read about it here! Whether you like it or not!

We’re so confident we’ll bring you both the NEWS YOU NEED and the NEWS YOU DON’T… we’re offering a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! And it couldn’t be easier!!!

Read our FREE BLOG…. FREE for 30 Days! If you’re not completely satisfied… we’ll refund the money you DIDN’T PAY - including shipping & handling - NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!! That’s NO QUESTION’S ASKED!!!!

If you like the blog…. (which we hope you do!) keep reading for FREE! It’s just that easy!!

*****

According to a new survey, “Improving Physical Health” was named the Top Resolution for 2024.

- It’s January 2nd! Are people STILL talking about keeping their resolutions??!!??

- I did make a resolution this year… I’m going to try to be more “Positive”. And so far it’s working! For example, last night I was “positive” I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep… and I was right on the money!!!

*****

ESPN has apologized after a video clip of a woman baring her breast was shown during the broadcast of the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans.

- But we get NO APOLOGY after that horrible call the refs made against the Lions the other night???

*****

According to NBC and other news outlets, the first 170 names from Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs will be released later today… and one name that is confirmed to be on the list is Bill Clinton. In fact, the former Prez. is reportedly mentioned 50 times in the initial batch of documents.

- Maybe Epstein just had a really, really great Frequent Flyer Program? We’ll keep you informed as details become available…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy New Year!

Wishing you a Safe, Happy and Healthy 2024!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick & Jackie

Last night the girls and I got together for a little Pre-Christmas “Daddy-Daughter Dinner-Dance” kind of thing… We all went to Jessica’s house, had take-out and watched “A Very Barry (Manilow) Christmas Concert on TV. Had a blast!!

*****

Stormy Daniels, who’s had plenty to say about former President Trump is now weighing in on the Biden Family, saying, “I’m going to get myself in trouble… but Hunter seems like he’d be fun to party with”.

- And the good news for both Stormy AND Hunter is… I’m pretty sure they’re BOTH up to date on all of their Shots.

*****

Police in Florida are looking for a man who walked out of a Walmart with a cash register.

- Well… I’m sorry… but this is what you get when you ask people to do “Self-Check Out!!!”

*****

According to a new survey, Florida is home to the most spoiled dogs in America.

- Along with some pretty mouthy alligators.

*****

Oprah - who has been a Spokesperson for Weight Watchers since 2017 - admitted that she’s using a Weight Loss Drug to help her slim down to her current weight.

- So eating celery sticks and counting points may be good… but as it turns outs out, injecting a Diabetes Drug is one of Oprah’s Favorite Things!!!

*****

People Magazine reports that Mariah Carey is taking her annual holiday trip to Aspen without her longtime boyfriend - fueling rumors that the two have broken up.

- Apparently all Mariah Wants for Christmas This Year Isn’t Him.

*****

A gifting enthusiast known as “The Gift Girl” on TikTok said there are three presents you should avoid gifting women: Household Cleaning Supplies, Things to help them on their “Weight Loss Journey” like a scale, and any kind of Anti-Aging or Anti-Wrinkle Skin Care Products.

- Well… I hate to cut this short, but I’ve got some gifts to return. (Just kidding!)

*****

RIP… Radio’s Ken Calvert who passed away Wednesday at the age of 72.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A new study suggests that humans may be fueling global warming by breathing.

- We’ll have details as soon as they become available… But Don’t Hold Your Breath…

*****

Yesterday, the Supreme Court of Colorado ruled that former President Donald Trump is NOT ALLOWED to be on the State's Primary Ballot due to “his actions” related to the January 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol… saying he violated the 14th Amendment by inciting an Insurrection - something Trump has NEVER BEEN CHARGED WITH.

- They say it’s all in an effort to “Save Democracy”… Because, as you know, the best way to “Save Democracy” is to keep people from being able to Vote for the Candidate of their Choice!

*****

President Biden is having a rough week… A driver crashed into a parked car in the Presidential Motorcade in Delaware, new polling shows he’s the most Unpopular President since World War II, and the IRS is reporting that his 42 year old daughter, Ashley Biden, owes $5 Grand in unpaid taxes since 2015.

- But on a bright note… His dog Commander didn’t bite anybody this week. (Since he’s away at “Canine Training Camp”).

*****

Declaring that “The War on Drugs has Failed” and that they have to “look at alternate ideas” … officials in Switzerland have announced that they are considering legalizing Cocaine.

- That story again: Hunter Biden Considering Moving to Switzerland…

*****

U.S. Economist Harry Dent predicts that 2024 will bring the “Biggest economic crash of our lifetime.”

- Well Merry Christmas to you, too, Harry.

*****

People Magazine reports that Mariah Carey is taking her annual holiday trip to Aspen without her longtime boyfriend - fueling rumors that the two have broken up.

- Apparently all Mariah Wants for Christmas This Year Isn’t Him.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

“Wonka” made $14.4-million-bucks on opening day - tells the story of how Willy Wonka got his start in the Chocolate business and met his first Oompa Loompa.

- It’s being described as “Fun and Family Friendly” like “Free Willy”…. which was either that movie about the Whale or the biopic about Bill Clinton’s time in the White House, I’m not sure.

*****

An Aide to Senator Ben Cardin was fired after he videotaped himself having sex with a gay partner in a SENATE HEARING ROOM and posted it on Social Media.

- I’ve always heard the Senate was a “Boys Club” but I had no idea THIS is what they meant…

- I’ve never seen a “Secret Handshake” like THAT before!

*****

A brewery and a creamery in Oregon have partnered up to create a Beer that’s flavored with Blue Cheese.

- They were all out of Limburger??

*****

New research reveals that the average person still uses 140 plastic bags in a year. To put that in perspective… if you put stack them all together, it would reach the height of an 18-story building.

- Or make one pair of underwear for Kim Kardashian.

- Just kidding! Kim doesn’t wear underwear!!

*****

84-year-old Maury Povich was presented with the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmy’s this past Saturday… by none other than his wife… 77-year-old news anchor Connie Chung.

- The couple, who married in 1984, have one child. And… later today Maury’s going to open the envelope and reveal if he’s the father!!

*****

Oreo’s will introduce its new limited edition “Black & White Sandwich Cookies” in January.

- Does everything have to be about Race?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The House voted to formally launch an Impeachment inquiry into President Biden… meanwhile the Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case that could impact former President Trump’s cases regarding the 2020 results.

- Are we actually having an Election next year or an episode of the People’s Court? All we need at this point is Judge Whopner and Doug Llewelyn.

*****

In related news… Hunter defied a subpoena and skipped out his Congressional testimony.

- His lawyer says he wasn’t trying to be difficult, he just had “A prior Holiday commitment with two of Santa’s Reindeers… Dancer & Vixen”.

*****

A new survey finds that “All I Want for Christmas is You” is the Most Annoying Christmas song of all time with “The Chipmunk Song” taking the #2 Most-Annoying spot.

- The “Barking Dogs” and “I Wanna Hippopotamus For Christmas” just called and they want their Awards back!!!

*****

Former President Bill Clinton privately criticized his wife Hillary’s failed 2016 presidential campaign, complaining to a friend that she couldn’t “Sell (Sex) on a Troop Train.”

- Well probably not to HIM…

*****

VP Harris was in Poland to deliver an address on… well… I’m not sure what… but made her point crystal clear when she said, “We all watched...The television coverage, of just yesterday. And that's on top of everything else... that we know and don't know yet... Based on what we've just been able to see. And because we've seen it or not… doesn't mean it hasn't happened.”

- I have no idea what she’s talking about… but, Well put, Kamala. Well put.

*****

The owners of a California museum dedicated to all things Rabbit-related earned a Guinness World Records title for their 40,550-piece collection including everything from Rabbit Cookie Jars to Freeze Dried Rabbits.

- The previous record for most Rabbits in one locations was held by Hugh Hefner.

*****

A French Sommelier (wine expert) says we’ve been drinking Champagne “all wrong”… He says you should Never ever drink champagne out of a fluted glass, because, “It's like going to the opera with earplugs, you miss everything”.

- Isn’t that the whole point with Opera??

*****

A highway was temporarily shut down in Washington State after hundreds of eggs spilled onto the road from a head-on semi-truck collision.

- The eggs caused a three mile back up on the highway and a severe blockage in several main arteries.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy 34th Birthday to Taylor Swift! She’s worth $1.1 BILLION so I guess the $25 Amazon Gift Card I got her isn’t going to impress her that much. Oh well…

*****

A travel booking company is now giving fans of the new movie “Wonka” the chance to stay in a Wonka-themed hotel suite for one night only… complete with edible amenities, a candy tree, cotton candy clouds and a chocolate bar bed with pillows made out of marshmallow.

- Whoa… Even Mike Lindell doesn’t have MARSHMALLOW PILLOWS!!!!!

- NOTE: The Wonka Hotel is in New York City… so if you go, you may have to share your room with an Undocumented Ooompa Loompa who came across the Southern Border.

*****

Fans have noticed a major photoshop fail on a Royal Family Christmas card, showing Prince William's youngest son, Prince Louis, missing a finger.

- But it’s turns out Little Louis was missing his middle finger in the pic… which William and Kate decided to edit out and send to “Aunt Meghan” as a Secret Santa gift!

*****

A history teacher at a Seattle high school allegedly gave a 10th Grade Student a Failing grade on a Quiz because the student answered that “Only Women can get Pregnant” and that “All Men have Penises”.

- Well one out of two isn’t bad!

*****

MLB Superstar Shohei Ohtani officially signed a ten year, $700-million-dollar contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this past weekend.

- He’s worth so much… Ukranian President Zelensky is now asking for money directly from HIM.

- I’m just spitballn’ here…

*****

Hunter Biden failed to show up for his Behind-Closed-Doors Congressional Deposition this morning, but instead held a Press Conference on the Capitol steps claiming he’s being railroaded by Republicans who are taking advantage of his Addiction and his father’s love for him.

- Boy, my Dad wasn’t nearly that supportive when I took MILLIONS in $$$ from Foreign “Businessmen” and had a Diet Coke problem.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Had a great time over the weekend… Went to see the annual “Glory of Christmas” show at Northridge Church in Plymouth. Broadway worthy! They’ve been doing it for 31 years and it’s really spectacular! Congrats to everyone who volunteers their amazing time and talents!

*****

Vivek Ramaswamy was caught on a hot mic using the bathroom during a broadcast that was live-streamed on “X” (formerly Twitter) with other celebs including Elon Musk.

- Well they said it was going to be “Live-streamed”. It’s nice to see some truth-n-advertising for a change!

*****

The world's second oldest woman has died at the age of 116 at a nursing home in Japan. Fusa Tatsumi, who was Japan's oldest person, passed away on Tuesday at a care facility in Osaka after eating her favorite meal of bean-paste jelly.

- Wow. She made it to 116 and still came in 2nd Place. See what can happen if you don’t exercise and eat right? !

*****

A recent survey finds that 87% of consumers believe “Unidentified Calls” that show up on their phone may be fraudulent… and don’t answer because it may be “people looking for money”.

- It’s true! Just this morning I let a bunch of calls go to voicemail… Two from my daughters and three from my Grandkids!

******

Yet ANOTHER Swedish Cross-Country Skier recently froze his penis during a Race… the second one in the last couple weeks.

- Yet ANOTHER reason Men might want to STOP competing in WOMEN’s Sporting Events!

*****

Charlie Glenn, of Hamilton, Ohio says he does not want an apology from his ex-girlfriend and still has love for her, even after she shot him in the testicle for “no apparent reason”.

- Which reminds me… I don’t think I’ve heard Yorgi Yorggenson’s “I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas Time” yet this year!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hunter Biden faces a nine count indictment – three felonies and six misdemeanors – for alleged tax crimes during 2016 to 2019… and could spend 17 years in Prison.

- He won’t, of course… But he COULD!

*****

A reporter went out and bought the same groceries that McCauley Culkin’s character in “Home Alone” bought for just under $20 in 1990, to see how much they’d cost today. The Total? More than $65 bucks. That’s an increase of 250%.

- To quote the movie clip McCauley plays on his TV to scare the Robbers, Joe Pesci and his partner, away from his house during the movie…. “Keep the Change, You Filthy Animal”.

*****

According to a new study, seeing a Co-worker sniffle immediately triggers your body to Prep for illness.

- A similar study found that seeing a Sander’s Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel immediately triggers my body to Gain Weight.

*****

Government Officials are warning the public about a disturbing and “very sophisticated” gift card scam that has national and international implications.

- But I’m not worried. I’ve been emailing with a guy in Nigeria the last couple of weeks and he told me the whole “scam” angle is being completely overblown.

*****

The movie “Godzilla Minus One” has brought in $52 MILLION since its release in the US on December 1st… getting good reviews from both critics and movie goers.

- Critics expected the Godzilla movie to be a bomb. Not the Biggest Bomb to ever come out of Japan in December… but a bomb nonetheless.

*****

According to a new poll 41% of Gen Z (age 11 to 26) say it’s “important” to them that they have the best holiday decor in their neighborhood.

- This reminds me of when I was a kid… Every year my mother would put me in charge of putting the Tinsel on the Christmas Tree. And then, my Mother would re-do it !!

You gotta tradition!

*****

RIP… Ryan O’Neal, star of TV’s “Peyton Place”, and movies including "Love Story" and "Paper Moon" died Friday at age 82. No cause of death was given, but O’Neal had suffered from both Leukemia and Prostate Cancer. His daughter, actress Tatum O’Neal says she hopes he’s now reunited with his “longtime love” Farrah Fawcett who died in 2009. O’Neal and Fawcett were together for 17 years.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

For the first time since its release in 1958… Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" is the #1 song on the Billboard Hot 100 chart! The holiday classic outperformed Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You," which came in at No. 2.

- Brenda Lee was just 13 years old when she recorded the song… meaning she’s 78 today. She’s still “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”… but now she does it with a Walker while wearing Compression Socks.

*****

This Saturday, Lifetime Network will debut “A Cowboy Christmas Romance”… the Channel’s first Christmas Movie to feature a Sex Scene.

- Well I guess we know who’s gonna end up on Santa’s “Naughty” list.

*****

A new report says that U.S. lawmakers are calling for more transparency when it comes to UFOs.

- I’m all for more transparency… with the exception of the Kardashian women. I think we’ve seen enough of them on the Internet.

*****

King Charles recently told world leaders that the warning signs of the Climate Crisis are being ignored and that the world is heading for “Dangerous Uncharted Territory.”

- Oh yeah? Well we told him that when Harry was about to marry Meghan… and Charles didn't do anything to stop THAT.

*****

Video game fans are reportedly freaking out after learning that the highly anticipated “Grand Theft Auto 6” doesn’t come out until 2025.

- 2025? Boy this really puts a dent in my Christmas Wish List!!

- So I’m just supposed to play “Grand Theft Auto 5” for another year????

*****

The director of the “Evil Dead” movies said he's making new installments of the franchise which feature flesh-possessing demons who wreak havoc on regular people, terrorizing their every moment.

- Merry Christmas!!!

*****

A new report says that the “Pop-Tarts Bowl” between the North Carolina State Wolfpack and Kansas State Wildcats will feature the first ever edible mascot. The winner of the matchup will get a very large toaster pastry.

- This reminds me of that one year they had the "Fiber One Bowl". If I remember correctly... It was a real blowout.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Oxford University Press has announced that the Oxford Word of the Year for 2023 is…

Rizz. You read that right. “Rizz”.

I’m just gonna say it. I’ve never heard that word in my life. So I looked it up… Rizz is defined as “Style, charm or attractiveness” and as “the ability to attract a romantic or sexual partner”.

Personally… I’d say Jennifer Aniston and Charlize Theron have “Rizz”. But that’s just me…

- “Rizz” just doesn’t sound that attractive. I mean, “Plop, Plop… Rizz, Rizz… Oh, How Pretty She Is… “ just doesn’t work for me.

*****

Climate Czar John Kerry appeared to have "Broken Wind" during one of his "Climate Change" talks in Dubai yesterday. He was in the middle of equating the Climate Crisis with increased deaths when an audible bleating noise was heard.

- Maybe John should stop worrying about SUV emissions and worry about his own.

******

The story even made international headlines... with the British paper, TheDailyMail.com calling the Flatulence episode a "Bottom Burp".

- I've never heard it called a “Bottom Burp” before. It's got a much nicer ring to it than most of the terms my son-in-laws usually use to describe it.

*****

HBO Films has optioned the rights to a new book that details the short-lived Political Career of Congressman George Santos. For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Santos was kicked out of Congress last week for ethics violations for lying about his past.

- Well if "Lying" is the standard to make a movie about a Congressman... then C-SPAN is the new Netflix.

*****

According to a new survey by WalletHub, more than 1 in 3 Americans are foregoing Christmas gifts this year due to inflation.

- That’s fine! Because all I want this year is a chance to have my Medicare Part B coverage reviewed to see if my doctor is in network… and luckily, from what they tell me on TV, operators are STANDING BY RIGHT NOW to let me know if special benefits are available in my area!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Michigan’s headed to the Rose Bowl where they’ll play Alabama… Washington will face Texas, then the winners of those games will face off for the National Championship! GO BLUE!!!

*****

Billy Crystal, Dionne Warwick and Bee Gee Brother Barry Gibb were among the five artists named as Kennedy Center Honorees by President Biden at the White House Sunday night. The group was honored for their contributions to shaping the “very soul of then nation”.

- Dionne Warwick said she had “no idea” she was even nominated for the award… which doesn’t speak to highly of her “Psychic Hotline”.

*****

This week, Slider-fans camped out for twelve hours to be the first people inside the new White Castle restaurant location in Tempe, Arizona.

- Historians say the last time someone worked that hard to get in a Castle, Meghan Markle was trying to get Prince Harry to Marry her.

*****

Speaking of Wedded Bliss…

Sanitation workers in New Hampshire went digging through 20 tons of trash to locate a resident's lost wedding ring.

- But it was all worth it when they emerged from the dump with the ring… and the bride gave them the finger… ya know… to put it on.

*****

Washington, D.C., is continuing to see a steady increase in crime with over 900 carjackings reported in the district so far this year.

- Wow… They’re REALLY GOOD at Stealing in D.C.! And now they’ve got all those carjackers, too!

*****

A stretch of highway in Ohio was closed when two-semi’s carrying candy collided, leaving the freeway covered in Caramel and Chocolate.

- Say, that would make a really good candy bar! I can hear it now… “Get your Twix… on Route 66”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The heir of the Woke Anheuser-Busch Beer Company- that lost TENS OF BILLIONS of $$$ during the Dylan Mulvaney Trans-Woman Beer Ad disaster, has put his mansion in Malibu, California, up for sale for $4.45 MILLION.

- The house has 6 Bedrooms and 7 and 1/2 Gender Neutral Bathrooms.

*****

Elon Musk said that Advertisers like Disney, NBC, and others who have pulled advertising off "X" over his Free Speech policies can go "Go BLANK Yourselves”.

- Well I guess that’s an example of that “Free Speech” he’s talkin’ about, right there!

*****

Ron DeSantis and Gavin Newsom will finally face-off in a highly anticipated debate on Fox News Thursday night.

- So the guy who's 40 points behind the GOP leader is debating another guy who says he's NOT EVEN RUNNING... Do I have that right???

- Or, if you look at it another way, The Governor of the State people are LEAVING (California) is debating the Governor of the State people are leaving to GO TO (Florida)... Get the Popcorn! This is gonna be fun!

*****

A Florida man was busted for soliciting a prostitute after he offered to pay an undercover cop with a Hamburger.

- Unfortunately, giving the Hooker a Hamburger didn't magically turn it into a "Happy Meal" like he'd hoped.

*****

Before her death in 1996, A psychic from Bulgaria, who reportedly predicted 9/11 and the Covid-19 pandemic, forecast that 2024 will be a year filled will "Dark Events" including a major economic crisis, biological attacks and an assassination attempt on Vladimir Putin.

- I don’t mean to knock her "Credentials”… but the way things are going these days, I don’t think you need to be a Bulgarean Psychic to figure out things are going in the WRONG DIRECTION!

*****

According to a new study, a “Positive Personality” may be all you need to prevent dementia.

- Well that rules most of the ladies on “The View”.

*****

“Oppenheimer” has become the new Cabbage Patch Kid or Buzz Lightyear of the 2023 Christmas Season, with shoppers buying them up faster than retailers can keep them in stock.

- What a sad commentary on life today... When the "Feel Good Christmas Gift of the Season" is a Movie about dropping the Atomic Bomb!!

*****

RIP… Henry Kissinger, who shaped America’s Cold War Policies, died yesterday at the age of 100.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Harvard will offer a new class next term called "Taylor Swift and Her World" - which will take students on a "Deep dive into Swift's music, lyrics and their impact on today's culture".

- It’ll make a great companion class to this term’s offering “How to Date a Professional Football Player”.

- In the old days, I couldn’t get into Harvard because I wasn’t Smart enough. Now I’m Smart enough to advise my Granddaughters not to take that class.

*****

Daryl Hall has filed a lawsuit and RESTRAINING ORDER against his long-time partner John Oates in a dispute concerning sales of their extensive music catalog.

- Turns out Oats wanted to Sell the Catalog to some "Rich Girl" and Hall was like, "I Can't Go For That".

*****

Security footage shows two dogs ripping apart cars at a dealership in Houston, Texas.

- The cars have been repaired, but let's just say that due to some of the Canine Criminals handiwork, the vehicles no longer have that "New Car Smell".

*****

A Georgia man was taken into custody by Sheriff’s Deputies after he got high on mushrooms, put on a yellow chicken suit and started yelling at passing cars.

- NOTE TO GUY IN CHICKEN SUIT: Next time: Glue yourself to the road and start complaining about CLIMATE CHANGE!!! They’ll LET YOU GO!!!!

*****

On Friday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un examined photos from his nation's first spy satellite.

- He was so proud because it only took two weeks to get the pics back now that North Korea has upgraded it's technology to include a new Fotomat Kiosk in the parking lot at the Pyonyang Outlet Mall.

*****

A recent report says that some stores and chains in the U.K. and Canada are ditching self-checkout machines and returning to traditional cashiers.

- And with all the crime in American Cities these days, stores here are going to ditch BOTH Cashiers AND Self-Checkout Machines to make it easier for the Looters to get to the front door with their Free Stuff!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Wishing you a Wonderful Holiday with Family & Friends!

-Dick & Jackie

Tomorrow’s the Big Day! Thanksgiving!

FYI… I’m going to keep today’s blog short because I’ve got a lot of peeling, chopping, dicing, stuffing, spooning, leveling, whisking, baking, frosting, basting, simmering, & roasting to do to get ready!

Well… To be honest… I don’t do any of those things. It’s just a regular day for me.

But I do have one very important job tomorrow: PRE-HEATING. That’s right… I’m in charge of Preheating the Oven.

It may not seem like much… but technically it’s the key to the WHOLE OPERATION! Without my part… there would be no Thanksgiving Dinner! You’re welcome!

*****

Speaking of that… Just a reminder… If you have any questions about your Bird… the Butterball Turkey Talk Line is up and running! Just call 1-800-BUTTERBALL! You can also go to Butterball.com where they have experts on hand to offer advice and provide cooks with “Emotional Support”.

- Call me crazy… but I’m thinking the TURKEY’s need the “Emotional Support” more than the COOKS do…

*****

A Hawaiian woman has been ordered to pay nearly $39,000 in restitution to American Airlines for swearing at a flight crew and will be prohibited from flying for the next three years.

- The fine seems excessive… but the way air travel is these days, the “No flying for 3 years” thing almost seems like a GIFT!

*****

A British tourist was knocked unconscious after a group of 20 Thai lapdancers began fighting over him at a Strip Club.

- This gives a whole new meaning to “Thai-ing one on”.

*****

Some Mashed Potatoes, Cranberry Sauce and a Turkey walk into a bar and order drinks.

The bartender says to the Mashed Potatoes… “I’m giving you this beer because I can see you’ve taken your lumps and I think you deserve it”.

“And for you, Mr. Cranberry… a Shot… because I can see you enjoy getting “Sauced”.

Finally, the Bartender looks at the Turkey, pushes a bottle of Vodka in front of him and says, “This is for you. It’s a reward for always sticking your neck out”.

And the Turkey says “Bada Boom!”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… Thanksgiving!

-Dick

******

NOTE: Seems hard to believe… but today is the 60th Anniversary of the Assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Aldi Foodstores is opening it’s first ever bottomless Pigs-in-a-Blanket restaurant in the U.K… where you can get an endless supply of Sausages wrapped in Bacon for one low price.

- And that price is: A Heart Attack.

*****

We’re just 2 days away from Thanksgiving...

Why didn't the Turkey cross the Road?

- He saw what happened to the Chicken.

*****

With all of the focus on Thanksgiving, let's not forget what comes next... "Black Friday"...the official kick off of the Christmas shopping season

A lot of people don't know this, but on the Friday after the first Thanksgiving, Pocahontas got in a fist fight with a Pilgrim lady at the "Kohl's of Plymouth". They were both reaching for the same pair of Cuddle Duds Flannel Christmas Pajamas... when the fists - and arrows - started flying.

*****

Over the weekend in Paris, a hat worn by Napoléon Bonaparte sold for $2.1 million at auction.

- Not sure it’s REAL, though, since it had “Make Paris Great Again” sewn into the front of the cap.

*****

A US Navy reconnaissance jet with nine crew members aboard crashed into water off the Hawaiian island of Oahu on Monday after OVERSHOOTING THE RUNWAY at a US Marine Corps base. Thankfully, there were no serious injuries.

- But, as the air escaped from the plane into the beautiful blue Hawaii waters… there were a lot of “Tiny Bubbles”.

*****

According to a new survey, 48 percent of Americans admit that they’ve have attended a Holiday party just for the food.

- Yes… and??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to President Biden who turns 81 today. The Birthday Boy spent the morning Pardoning “Liberty” and “Bell”… two Turkeys who will be “Spared” this Thanksgiving.

- The ceremony went off without a hitch until he also accidentally pardoned Chris Christie.

*****

Airlines are bracing for record Thanksgiving travel over the Thanksgiving Holiday with more than 30 Million Americans expected to be patted down by TSA agents at the nation's airports.

- If you want to avoid the hassle of having to show ID, being x-rayed and being felt-up by an armed security guard, you can always just walk in through the southern border and get a FREE flight to Grandma's house no questions asked.

- Of course you might get “patted down” by your Crazy inebriated Uncle…

*****

A cargo plane leaving New York's John F. Kennedy Airport had to turn around shortly after take-off when a horse got loose and began walking up the aisle on board.

- Apparently the Horse insisted on using the restroom in First Class… but only had a ticket for (Stage) Coach.

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The US Postal Service reported a $6.5 billion net loss for the 12 months ending September 30th and said it will not break-even next year.

- They sent out a letter with all the details… but naturally it got lost in the mail.

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According to a new report, so called “Porch Pirates” are expected to steal upwards of $74 BILLION worth of packages from front porches during the holiday season this year.

- And that’s if they just pick up the packages of cash the White House has sent to Ukrainian President Zelensky in Ukraine!

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According to a new report by Pew Research Center, Americans’ trust in science and scientists has dropped signigificantly since the start of the Covid Pandemic.

- Read all about it in the new book, “Curious George Wonders Whether He REALLY Needs That 47th Covid Booster”.

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RIP… Rosalynn Carter… Former First Lady & wife of President Jimmy Carter has died at 96 at the couple’s home in Plains, Georgia. The former first lady, who was a life-long champion of mental health, caregiving, & women’s rights, died surrounded by family and friends. In a statement released Sunday, former President Carter called his wife "my equal partner in everything I ever accomplished… As long as Rosalynn was in the world, I always knew somebody loved and supported me.”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The new superhero movie “The Marvels” has been a dissppointment at the box office. It features “Kamala Khan” - a teammate of “Captain Marvel”.

- Her character is, of course, based on “Kamala Harris” - a teammate of “Captain Confusion”.

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I read an article that said cutting just 12% of calories from your diet can help you build healthier muscles and slow down aging.

- So I figured, this sounds easy, right? So I take a $100,000 Candy Bar we had left over from Halloween and I figure I’ll cut off 12% of that… so I get out a pair of scissors and I start trimming the candy bar until I cut off what I figure is about $12 Grand worth of Chocolate, Caramel and Crispies and then eat the remaining 88%. Did my muscles get any bigger?? No. Did I stop aging? I don’t think so. Did I end up making a huge mess and then eating the parts I cut off the candy bar anyway?? You better believe it!!

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Disney theme parks have been so packed, that riders at Disneyland and Disney World have been “relieving themselves” while standing in line, according to eyewitness accounts posted on social media.

- With many of the women commenting… “It really IS a Small World, After all”.

*****

Two Girl Scout Troop leaders have been charged with embezzling more than $20,000 from an Ann Arbor Girl Scout Troop.

- On a bright note... each of the Troop Leaders will receive a special "Embezzlement Badge"!

*****

Animal rescuers on Long Island, New York had to rescue an Owl that got itself trapped in the front grille of a car.

- Not a very Wise move on the Owls part. I'm just sayin'...

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A new report says that traces of cannabis in human bones suggest 17th-century Italians were recreational pot users.

- “When the Moon hits your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie… That’s the Munchies!”

- Well this explains how Michaelangelo painted the celling of the Sistine Chapel… he was HIGH.

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Thanksgiving is one week from day… a survey found that the LEAST popular dish to grace most American’s Thanksgiving table is…. Cranberry Sauce.

- I have to throw a flag on the play on this one! I LOVE Cranberry sauce! And I’m old school - I like it the old fashioned way - Straight out of the Ocean Spray Can!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

Dick

President Biden and Chinese President Xi are meeting in San Francisco today. The White House says the goal of the meeting is to ease tensions and normalize communications with the Communist Super Power.

- That… and Joe’s hoping to get Xi to give him the “Ancient Chinese Secret” to getting his laundry so clean!

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Barbara Streisand says she will leave the United States if Donald Trump is elected President in 2024.

- In related news…. She offered to perform LIVE at the Innauguration if Joe and Kamala win. Which is great! I haven’t heard “Send in the Clowns” in FOREVER!

*****

According to a new survey, Cannabis users say the drug improves their sleep better than supplements like Melatonin.

- But according to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee… nothing will get you the good nights sleep you need like RELAXIUM!!!!

*****

A New York Post article claims that there’s an estimated $32 BILLION worth of treasure lying at the bottom of the sea inside of Sunken Ships.

- As soon as the news broke… two things happended instantly: 1) Congress tried to TAX the Money. And 2) Urkranian President Zelensky tried to BORROW it.

*****

A new poll finds that the British are among the world’s biggest binge drinkers… with British Men AND Women binge drinking more than their Irish counterparts.

- When the Irish heard the news, they were so depressed, they drank themselves into a stupor, sang a couple verses of “Danny Boy” and passed out.

*****

A CVS location in Washington DC was forced to wipe its shelves clean of toilet paper and replace them instead with framed photos of the products amid rising thefts in the country’s capital.

- It’s working out okay so far… but Note to Consumers: Be careful!!! The edges of those picture frames aren’t nearly as soft as the Charmin you’re used to!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick