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For the first time in 32 YEARS… The Lions… OUR LIONS are the CHAMPIONS of the NFC NORTH after winning their first playoff game since the 1991 season last night with their 24-23 win over the LA Rams! Much of the game was a QB battle between the Lions QB Jared Goff and the Rams QB Matthew Stafford (who played 12 seasons with Detroit). Both looked pretty good… and I have to say I was personally disappointed when the fans booed Stafford. He gave a lot to this team. Not cool.

Next game for the Lions: TBD!

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Meanwhile… The Buffalo Bills… will play the Pittsburgh Steelers today at 4:30pm IN BUFFALO after that game was postponed due to snow yesterday. The Team has been paying local kids $20 bucks an hour to come shovel out the nearly 4 feet of snow that covered the stadium and all of Western New York over the weekend. If only I still had the shovel I used when I was a kid growing up in Kenmore, a suburb of Buffalo. (My dad didn’t may me $20 bucks an hour to shovel our driveway… that’s for sure!)

Go Bills!!!!

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The Lions weren’t the only Big Winners last night… 22 year old Madison Marsh a Second Lieutenant in the US Air Force and “Miss Colorado” added another crown last night… “Miss America”.

- They don’t carry the “Miss America” pageant on regular TV anymore... You have to “Stream It”. Personally, I shy away from anything that requires me to call a Urologist!!

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The 2024 Republican Primary officially gets underway today with the Iowa Caucuses set to begin at 8pm EST… The temperature in Des Moines right now is -4 degrees with a “Feels like” temp of minus 20.

- Weather and Politics go hand in hand… In fact, Political Pundits are saying it’s “Almost as cold as Bill & Hillary’s Bedroom”.

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This Just In… Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has been released from the Hospital and will be “Working from home”.

- There are some jobs I just don’t think you can do adequately “From home”. For example… Secretary of Defense, Policeman, Gynecologist… Maybe it’s just me??

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Fruit Stripe, the decades-old gum brand that was known for its fruit-inspired flavors and zebra-print design is going bye-bye. The iconic gum, which has been sold since the 1960s, came in five flavors: Melon, Cherry, Lemon, Orange and Peach.

- This may not seem like a big story to you… but my daughters are having a hard time with it. Apparently Fruit Stripe gum was a BIG DEAL. They tell me they used to chew it while taking turns riding up and down the driveway on their Big Wheels!

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RIP… Joyce Randolph who played Trixie Norton, the upstairs neighbor, on “The Honeymooners” has died of natural causes. She was 99.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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We’re back! Techno glitch fixed… And thus, instead of Thursday’s blog, you get one today!

The forecast for Saturday nights AFC Wild Card Round Playoff Game between the KC Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins looks grim and not because of snow… but because of cold temps that could go as low as -30 degrees! They say that would be one of the coldest environments for an NFL playoff games in League history. But the NFL has not considered changing the location according to Fox Sports.

Meanwhile… Sunday’s 1pm game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Buffalo Bills could be moved out of Buffalo to Cleveland if Lake Effect Snow prompts a state of emergency to be declared in Western New York. That would be a huge blows to the Bills if they have to give up the Home Field advantage in the first round of the Playoffs.

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During Congressional testimony this week, Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that the whole “Six Feet Apart Social Distancing” thing “just sort of appeared” and wasn’t based on any kind of scientific data.

- That News Again… They basically got the Official US Government Covid Social Distancing Policy from the HOKEY POKEY: “Put your right foot in, take your right foot out. Put your right foot in, and you shake it all about. Do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!”

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Fauci also said he’s “not convinced” that locking down schools and forcing kids to do “Online Learning” is what led to the dramatic decline in test scores across the country.

- Well duh! It had NOTHING to do with School Closures… It was obviously Climate Change!!!!

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Chris Christie dropped out of the race for the Presidency Thursday… narrowing the GOP field and making the DeSantis and Haley camps Happy.

- Now if Christie can just drop a hundred pounds, he’ll make his CARDIOLOGIST happy.

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Waymo will start testing its Robo-Taxis - self driving cars WITHOUT A HUMAN MONITOR on Phoenix freeways… beginning next month.

- And to make it more like a “real taxi ride”, the driverless car is programmed to take you out of your way, swear a lot, almost get in an accident, then overcharge you for the trip.

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A new survey shows that a hot shower, a glass of wine, and sex are a few of Americans' favorite ways to unwind at bedtime.

- And if you’re like most Americans, you can fit those all in between 10:50pm and 10:59pm and still be tucked in by 11 !

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Hundreds of hunters are expected to compete for cash and prizes in Arkansas' annual Squirrel-Hunting Competition this weekend.

- That must be somethin’ to see… At the end of the weekend… All those guys with their Trophy Squirrels strapped to the roof of their SUVS…

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Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

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What a few days for the Biden White House! Nobody seems to know who’s where… or who’s doing what…

It’s like one big game of… Whack a Mole!

This morning… Hunter Biden, his lawyer & the guy who pays a lot of his tax bills CRASHED a Congressional Hearing designed to debate whether or not he should be held in Contempt for defying a previous Subpeona. The stunt threw the hearing into chaos with plenty of yelling… with one Rep. even calling for Hunter to be “arrested right here, right now”. He was not.

- Between this and the Trump trials… Who needs Netflix?? 🍿

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National Security Spokesperson John Kirby admitted yesterday that President Biden had been completely unaware that Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin’s Prostate Cancer diagnosis for a MONTH… and didn’t know he had gone in for surgery before Christmas, nor that he had been rushed back to the ICU on January 1st.

- But rest assured, Kirby was extremely CLEAR about the complete lack of transparency!

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Only 23% of “Boomers”… those aged 11 to 26 years old… say they are Sports Fans, with experts saying things like short TikTok and YouTube videos making it hard for them to sit still for “A whole two or three hour football game”.

- Wow… If they can’t make it through a football game. Wait til they get married.

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Remember the guy caught on video last week leaping through the air to attack a Judge about to rule on his assault case? Well he was back in front of that SAME judge for sentencing yesterday… and she gave him up to 48 months for Felony Battery.

- So bottom line: He threw himself at her… and then she Threw the Book at him.

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Calls are growing for the governing body of Harvard to be FIRED and a full-scale Congressional investigation be launched into how it covered up allegations that University President Claudine Gay was a Plagiarist.

- I’m all for getting to the bottom of this… but are we really sure that CONGRESS is the best group to investigate allegations of STEALING??

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An Orlando man will send his mother's remains to deep space aboard the Vulcan rocket.

- He also tried to send his Mother-in-Law into Space last year but it didn’t work out… It might have had something to do with the fact that she was still ALIVE at the time.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

Congrats to the Michigan Wolverines who are the 2024 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS after last night’s decisive 34-13 win over the Washington Huskies!

This is Michigan’s first National Championship of the millennium, with their last coming in 1997. That was 27 years ago! We didn’t have Smartphones or Self-Driving Cars back then… and the biggest Political Scandal was Bill Clinton’s sexual escapades.

- I guess the more things change… The more some things stay the same.

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A new study reveals that exposing toddlers to screen time can lead to difficulties in processing their surroundings.

- Well this is really bad news for Apple’s New “Inter-Uterus-My-First-iPhone” they were planning on marketing to the lucrative “Pre-Born” market.

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A new Delaware bill aims to allow bird hunting on Sunday.

- Not surprisingly, the Bird Hunting Bill is supported by both the Left Wing & Right Wing of Congress.

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A Russian singer has been arrested for performing a concert wearing nothing but a Sock on his…. Manhood… and has been charged with “Minor Hooliganism”.

- The singer’s lawyer says his client, “Will take responsibility for his actions… but ‘takes exception’ with the characterization that his ‘Hooligaism’ was ‘Minor’”.

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The “Drunkards Association of Ghana” have taken up the challenge to set a Guinness World Record by having a one-week non-stop drinking party. FYI… This is serious business: The Ghana Drunkards Association have more than 10 million members.

- They even have a theme song: Prince’s “Tonight we’re Ghana Party Like It’s 1999!”.

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A new study proves that mice can indeed recognize themselves in the mirror.

- And, as it turns out, they think they look “Fat”… just like the rest of us.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Tonights the Night!

Michigan v. Washington

Game time: 7:30pm

The Michigan Wolverines and Washington Huskies, both 14-0 face off tonight for the 2024 College Football Playoff national title. GO BLUE!!!!!

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“Oppenheimer” took home the award for Best Film at last night’s Golden Globes Awards.

- It’s the biggest “Bomb” in Hollywood history… with the exception of Jeffrey Epstein’s list.

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Taylor Swift was in the audience at the Golden Globes last night and didn’t seem too happy when the emcee made a joke about her getting less camera time there, than she does during an NFL game.

- Hey Taylor… “Shake it Off”!!!

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So… over the weekend, it was disclosed that Lloyd Austin, the Secretary of Defense, had been Hospitalized for 3+ days following a mysterious “elective surgery” before letting anyone - including President Biden or Congress - know. They say they been told Austin was “Working from home” - despite the fact that he was actually in INTENSIVE CARE.

- Let me get this straight… We’re involved in two wars, terrorists groups are firing missiles at our soldiers and ships overseas, we have American hostages still being held in Gaza… and the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE decides he doesn’t need to call in sick??

- I’m starting to think we don’t live in a real country anymore. It’s more like some kind of bizarre reality show… like “The Biggest Loser” meets “Survivor”.

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Donald Trump is calling for Defense Sec. Austin to be fired immediately… citing his “failure to disclose his whereabouts as in the hospital… as grounds for immediate dismissal”… but the Biden Administration says they have full faith in him and are “Looking forward to having him back at the Pentagon”.

- The White House did admit that they’re going to take away Austin’s toy soldiers and put him in a time out, “So he can think about what he did!”

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A new survey of employers found that 40% admit they avoid hiring Gen Z workers (those aged 11 to 26).

- Although the 11 year olds were “Top Choice Hires” for Lemonade Stands.

One in five employers surveyed also reported college graduates bringing a parent with them when they interview for a job.

- Well, duh! Who do you think in going to buy them lunch after the interview?

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According to officials, 374 Pounds of Cocaine washed up on the shores of Australian beaches on the 22nd of December.

- At least SOMEBODY had a White Christmas.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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-So the first batch of names came out in connection to Jeffrey Epstein and it reads like a who’s who in Politics and Hollywood…Prince Andrew… Al Gore… Stephen Hawking… Naomi Campbell… and Bill Clinton who was mentioned more than 50 times.

- And it also reads suspiciously like Santa’s “Naughty” List from a couple weeks ago.

More documents and names are set to be released today. Stay tuned…

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Washington, D.C. residents received free Apple AirTags this week to help them locate their cars in the event they're stolen. It’s part of the cities response to a dramatic increase in crime including car theft in D.C.

- They should give us all Air Tags to put in our Taxes. That way we’ll know when our money arrives in Ukraine!

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A new study suggests that speaking to babies in “sing-song” speech, such as nursery rhymes, is the most effective method for teaching them to talk.

- It’s also a great way to approach Potty-Training! Might I recommend my personal favorite… “Tinkle, Tinkle… Little Star…”

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Recently resigned Harvard President Claudine Gay - who stepped down amid accusations of plagiarism - will remain on staff as a Professor and will still likely earn her nearly $900,000 a year salary.

- Which she plans to put away for retirement, writing, “A Penny Saved, is a Penny Earned!”

- Well put, Ms. Gay. Well, put!

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Health experts say you can expect a “healthy mix” of coronavirus, influenza, RSV, and other cold viruses going around this winter.

- A “Healthy mix”? Really?

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According to animal experts, a Capuchin Monkey who escaped from a sanctuary in Ireland is likely on the hunt for a mate.

- They could tell the monkey escaped in Ireland because after he got out, he went to a pub, got drunk on Banana Schnapps, and passed out singing “Danny Boy”.

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Disney’s 95 year copyright on Mickey Mouse ran out this week… meaning Mickey is now in the Public Domain… and - not surprisingly - is already the subject of a new horror movie: The “Mickey Mouse Trap” - about a deranged serial killer dressed in a Mickey Mouse costume who chases a bunch of teens around an arcade at an amusement park hits theaters this March.

- The only thing that will kill you faster is the $15 Cookies ‘n Cream Funnel Cake with Whipped Cream and Chocolate Sauce you get next to “Dumbo the Flying Elephant”.

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An Australian man set a new Guinness World Record by putting on 10 pair of underpants in only 13.03 seconds.

- Why?

- The REAL question is… How fast can he get 10 pair of underpants OFF??

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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The NY Times, the Rev. Al Sharpton and other liberal outlets and activists are blaming Harvard President Claudine Gay’s resignation yesterday on “Racism”… saying she was forced out of her job because she’s a black woman, NOT because she failed to condemn calls for the genocide of Jews on campus or Plagiarized more than 50 times.

- Well message received! Or as Claudine would say… “Copy that”.

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When asked by Ryan Seacrest what foods he’d been enjoying over the Holidays, President Biden had to be reminded by First Lady Jill Biden that he’d been having a lot of his favorite food - ice cream.

- Hey… I promised we’d bring you all the latest Scoops this year! Well, there ya go!

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UPDATE: The list of people who flew on Jeffrey Epsteins plane and/or flew to his island that was supposed to be released yesterday has been moved by the Judge to January 22nd… because one woman whose name is reportedly on the list complained to the Judge. More info when available…

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This just in… The Surgeon General of Florida, Joseph A. Ladapo, has just called for a HALT to all mRNA Covid Vaccines - the kind made by Pfizer and Moderna - due to Public Safety Concerns.

- While I appreciate the warning… I REALLY would have appreciated it say… three years ago.

- So if you were thinking about getting your 3,759th booster this week, you might want to think again…

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TSA agents at LaGuardia Airport in NYC found 17 bullets concealed inside a disposable baby diaper in a man’s carry-on.

- With six kids… I changed a lot of “Loaded Diapers” in my day… but never like this.

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Think you’re doing your body a favor by going for that Plant-Based Burger? Think again… A new study of plant based sandwiches, burgers and pizza from fast food restaurants in 5 countries found that each of the “Vegan” options contained LESS protein and sodium, More carbs and sugar, and MORE calories overall than their “regular menu” items.

- I found this out the hard way. You should check out the “Plant Based Spare Tire” around my waist.

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Huge announcement out of Hollywood this morning: The next Star Wars film will be directed by a feminist activist & former journalist… with a theme “centered around feminism”.

- So look for Darth Vader to say, “Luke, You have Two Mothers!”

- And instead of wearing a dress and putting her hair in braided buns on the side of her head, Princess Leia dons a Power Pants Suit, dyes her hair blue, and identifies as a Pan-Sexual Storm Trooper.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Congrats to Michigan who defeated Alabama 27-20 in the Rose Bowl yesterday… and are now headed to the National Championship Game!!! The No. 1 Wolverines (14-0) will face the No. 2 Washington Huskies (14-0) in the College Football Playoff National Championship game this Monday, Jan. 8 in Houston. GO BLUE!!

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So… It’s 2024! The New Year is finally here… and what a year it’s gonna be!

So much going on and we’re here for it! As always… the crack staff of investigative journalists here at Dick Purtan’s Official Fan Page (Okay… Jackie and I) promise to bring you the very latest, most accurate info on topics of vital interest to our country: The upcoming Presidential Election… The Border Crisis… What Taylor Swift wore to the Chiefs game… If it impacts Your world… You’ll read about it here! Whether you like it or not!

We’re so confident we’ll bring you both the NEWS YOU NEED and the NEWS YOU DON’T… we’re offering a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! And it couldn’t be easier!!!

Read our FREE BLOG…. FREE for 30 Days! If you’re not completely satisfied… we’ll refund the money you DIDN’T PAY - including shipping & handling - NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!! That’s NO QUESTION’S ASKED!!!!

If you like the blog…. (which we hope you do!) keep reading for FREE! It’s just that easy!!

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According to a new survey, “Improving Physical Health” was named the Top Resolution for 2024.

- It’s January 2nd! Are people STILL talking about keeping their resolutions??!!??

- I did make a resolution this year… I’m going to try to be more “Positive”. And so far it’s working! For example, last night I was “positive” I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep… and I was right on the money!!!

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ESPN has apologized after a video clip of a woman baring her breast was shown during the broadcast of the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans.

- But we get NO APOLOGY after that horrible call the refs made against the Lions the other night???

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According to NBC and other news outlets, the first 170 names from Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs will be released later today… and one name that is confirmed to be on the list is Bill Clinton. In fact, the former Prez. is reportedly mentioned 50 times in the initial batch of documents.

- Maybe Epstein just had a really, really great Frequent Flyer Program? We’ll keep you informed as details become available…

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Happy New Year!

Wishing you a Safe, Happy and Healthy 2024!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick & Jackie

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Last night the girls and I got together for a little Pre-Christmas “Daddy-Daughter Dinner-Dance” kind of thing… We all went to Jessica’s house, had take-out and watched “A Very Barry (Manilow) Christmas Concert on TV. Had a blast!!

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Stormy Daniels, who’s had plenty to say about former President Trump is now weighing in on the Biden Family, saying, “I’m going to get myself in trouble… but Hunter seems like he’d be fun to party with”.

- And the good news for both Stormy AND Hunter is… I’m pretty sure they’re BOTH up to date on all of their Shots.

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Police in Florida are looking for a man who walked out of a Walmart with a cash register.

- Well… I’m sorry… but this is what you get when you ask people to do “Self-Check Out!!!”

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According to a new survey, Florida is home to the most spoiled dogs in America.

- Along with some pretty mouthy alligators.

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Oprah - who has been a Spokesperson for Weight Watchers since 2017 - admitted that she’s using a Weight Loss Drug to help her slim down to her current weight.

- So eating celery sticks and counting points may be good… but as it turns outs out, injecting a Diabetes Drug is one of Oprah’s Favorite Things!!!

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People Magazine reports that Mariah Carey is taking her annual holiday trip to Aspen without her longtime boyfriend - fueling rumors that the two have broken up.

- Apparently all Mariah Wants for Christmas This Year Isn’t Him.

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A gifting enthusiast known as “The Gift Girl” on TikTok said there are three presents you should avoid gifting women: Household Cleaning Supplies, Things to help them on their “Weight Loss Journey” like a scale, and any kind of Anti-Aging or Anti-Wrinkle Skin Care Products.

- Well… I hate to cut this short, but I’ve got some gifts to return. (Just kidding!)

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RIP… Radio’s Ken Calvert who passed away Wednesday at the age of 72.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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A new study suggests that humans may be fueling global warming by breathing.

- We’ll have details as soon as they become available… But Don’t Hold Your Breath…

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Yesterday, the Supreme Court of Colorado ruled that former President Donald Trump is NOT ALLOWED to be on the State's Primary Ballot due to “his actions” related to the January 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol… saying he violated the 14th Amendment by inciting an Insurrection - something Trump has NEVER BEEN CHARGED WITH.

- They say it’s all in an effort to “Save Democracy”… Because, as you know, the best way to “Save Democracy” is to keep people from being able to Vote for the Candidate of their Choice!

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President Biden is having a rough week… A driver crashed into a parked car in the Presidential Motorcade in Delaware, new polling shows he’s the most Unpopular President since World War II, and the IRS is reporting that his 42 year old daughter, Ashley Biden, owes $5 Grand in unpaid taxes since 2015.

- But on a bright note… His dog Commander didn’t bite anybody this week. (Since he’s away at “Canine Training Camp”).

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Declaring that “The War on Drugs has Failed” and that they have to “look at alternate ideas” … officials in Switzerland have announced that they are considering legalizing Cocaine.

- That story again: Hunter Biden Considering Moving to Switzerland…

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U.S. Economist Harry Dent predicts that 2024 will bring the “Biggest economic crash of our lifetime.”

- Well Merry Christmas to you, too, Harry.

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People Magazine reports that Mariah Carey is taking her annual holiday trip to Aspen without her longtime boyfriend - fueling rumors that the two have broken up.

- Apparently all Mariah Wants for Christmas This Year Isn’t Him.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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“Wonka” made $14.4-million-bucks on opening day - tells the story of how Willy Wonka got his start in the Chocolate business and met his first Oompa Loompa.

- It’s being described as “Fun and Family Friendly” like “Free Willy”…. which was either that movie about the Whale or the biopic about Bill Clinton’s time in the White House, I’m not sure.

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An Aide to Senator Ben Cardin was fired after he videotaped himself having sex with a gay partner in a SENATE HEARING ROOM and posted it on Social Media.

- I’ve always heard the Senate was a “Boys Club” but I had no idea THIS is what they meant…

- I’ve never seen a “Secret Handshake” like THAT before!

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A brewery and a creamery in Oregon have partnered up to create a Beer that’s flavored with Blue Cheese.

- They were all out of Limburger??

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New research reveals that the average person still uses 140 plastic bags in a year. To put that in perspective… if you put stack them all together, it would reach the height of an 18-story building.

- Or make one pair of underwear for Kim Kardashian.

- Just kidding! Kim doesn’t wear underwear!!

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84-year-old Maury Povich was presented with the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmy’s this past Saturday… by none other than his wife… 77-year-old news anchor Connie Chung.

- The couple, who married in 1984, have one child. And… later today Maury’s going to open the envelope and reveal if he’s the father!!

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Oreo’s will introduce its new limited edition “Black & White Sandwich Cookies” in January.

- Does everything have to be about Race?

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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The House voted to formally launch an Impeachment inquiry into President Biden… meanwhile the Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case that could impact former President Trump’s cases regarding the 2020 results.

- Are we actually having an Election next year or an episode of the People’s Court? All we need at this point is Judge Whopner and Doug Llewelyn.

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In related news… Hunter defied a subpoena and skipped out his Congressional testimony.

- His lawyer says he wasn’t trying to be difficult, he just had “A prior Holiday commitment with two of Santa’s Reindeers… Dancer & Vixen”.

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A new survey finds that “All I Want for Christmas is You” is the Most Annoying Christmas song of all time with “The Chipmunk Song” taking the #2 Most-Annoying spot.

- The “Barking Dogs” and “I Wanna Hippopotamus For Christmas” just called and they want their Awards back!!!

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Former President Bill Clinton privately criticized his wife Hillary’s failed 2016 presidential campaign, complaining to a friend that she couldn’t “Sell (Sex) on a Troop Train.”

- Well probably not to HIM…

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VP Harris was in Poland to deliver an address on… well… I’m not sure what… but made her point crystal clear when she said, “We all watched...The television coverage, of just yesterday. And that's on top of everything else... that we know and don't know yet... Based on what we've just been able to see. And because we've seen it or not… doesn't mean it hasn't happened.”

- I have no idea what she’s talking about… but, Well put, Kamala. Well put.

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The owners of a California museum dedicated to all things Rabbit-related earned a Guinness World Records title for their 40,550-piece collection including everything from Rabbit Cookie Jars to Freeze Dried Rabbits.

- The previous record for most Rabbits in one locations was held by Hugh Hefner.

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A French Sommelier (wine expert) says we’ve been drinking Champagne “all wrong”… He says you should Never ever drink champagne out of a fluted glass, because, “It's like going to the opera with earplugs, you miss everything”.

- Isn’t that the whole point with Opera??

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A highway was temporarily shut down in Washington State after hundreds of eggs spilled onto the road from a head-on semi-truck collision.

- The eggs caused a three mile back up on the highway and a severe blockage in several main arteries.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Happy 34th Birthday to Taylor Swift! She’s worth $1.1 BILLION so I guess the $25 Amazon Gift Card I got her isn’t going to impress her that much. Oh well…

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A travel booking company is now giving fans of the new movie “Wonka” the chance to stay in a Wonka-themed hotel suite for one night only… complete with edible amenities, a candy tree, cotton candy clouds and a chocolate bar bed with pillows made out of marshmallow.

- Whoa… Even Mike Lindell doesn’t have MARSHMALLOW PILLOWS!!!!!

- NOTE: The Wonka Hotel is in New York City… so if you go, you may have to share your room with an Undocumented Ooompa Loompa who came across the Southern Border.

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Fans have noticed a major photoshop fail on a Royal Family Christmas card, showing Prince William's youngest son, Prince Louis, missing a finger.

- But it’s turns out Little Louis was missing his middle finger in the pic… which William and Kate decided to edit out and send to “Aunt Meghan” as a Secret Santa gift!

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A history teacher at a Seattle high school allegedly gave a 10th Grade Student a Failing grade on a Quiz because the student answered that “Only Women can get Pregnant” and that “All Men have Penises”.

- Well one out of two isn’t bad!

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MLB Superstar Shohei Ohtani officially signed a ten year, $700-million-dollar contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this past weekend.

- He’s worth so much… Ukranian President Zelensky is now asking for money directly from HIM.

- I’m just spitballn’ here…

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Hunter Biden failed to show up for his Behind-Closed-Doors Congressional Deposition this morning, but instead held a Press Conference on the Capitol steps claiming he’s being railroaded by Republicans who are taking advantage of his Addiction and his father’s love for him.

- Boy, my Dad wasn’t nearly that supportive when I took MILLIONS in $$$ from Foreign “Businessmen” and had a Diet Coke problem.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Had a great time over the weekend… Went to see the annual “Glory of Christmas” show at Northridge Church in Plymouth. Broadway worthy! They’ve been doing it for 31 years and it’s really spectacular! Congrats to everyone who volunteers their amazing time and talents!

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Vivek Ramaswamy was caught on a hot mic using the bathroom during a broadcast that was live-streamed on “X” (formerly Twitter) with other celebs including Elon Musk.

- Well they said it was going to be “Live-streamed”. It’s nice to see some truth-n-advertising for a change!

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The world's second oldest woman has died at the age of 116 at a nursing home in Japan. Fusa Tatsumi, who was Japan's oldest person, passed away on Tuesday at a care facility in Osaka after eating her favorite meal of bean-paste jelly.

- Wow. She made it to 116 and still came in 2nd Place. See what can happen if you don’t exercise and eat right? !

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A recent survey finds that 87% of consumers believe “Unidentified Calls” that show up on their phone may be fraudulent… and don’t answer because it may be “people looking for money”.

- It’s true! Just this morning I let a bunch of calls go to voicemail… Two from my daughters and three from my Grandkids!

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Yet ANOTHER Swedish Cross-Country Skier recently froze his penis during a Race… the second one in the last couple weeks.

- Yet ANOTHER reason Men might want to STOP competing in WOMEN’s Sporting Events!

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Charlie Glenn, of Hamilton, Ohio says he does not want an apology from his ex-girlfriend and still has love for her, even after she shot him in the testicle for “no apparent reason”.

- Which reminds me… I don’t think I’ve heard Yorgi Yorggenson’s “I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas Time” yet this year!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Hunter Biden faces a nine count indictment – three felonies and six misdemeanors – for alleged tax crimes during 2016 to 2019… and could spend 17 years in Prison.

- He won’t, of course… But he COULD!

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A reporter went out and bought the same groceries that McCauley Culkin’s character in “Home Alone” bought for just under $20 in 1990, to see how much they’d cost today. The Total? More than $65 bucks. That’s an increase of 250%.

- To quote the movie clip McCauley plays on his TV to scare the Robbers, Joe Pesci and his partner, away from his house during the movie…. “Keep the Change, You Filthy Animal”.

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According to a new study, seeing a Co-worker sniffle immediately triggers your body to Prep for illness.

- A similar study found that seeing a Sander’s Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel immediately triggers my body to Gain Weight.

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Government Officials are warning the public about a disturbing and “very sophisticated” gift card scam that has national and international implications.

- But I’m not worried. I’ve been emailing with a guy in Nigeria the last couple of weeks and he told me the whole “scam” angle is being completely overblown.

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The movie “Godzilla Minus One” has brought in $52 MILLION since its release in the US on December 1st… getting good reviews from both critics and movie goers.

- Critics expected the Godzilla movie to be a bomb. Not the Biggest Bomb to ever come out of Japan in December… but a bomb nonetheless.

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According to a new poll 41% of Gen Z (age 11 to 26) say it’s “important” to them that they have the best holiday decor in their neighborhood.

- This reminds me of when I was a kid… Every year my mother would put me in charge of putting the Tinsel on the Christmas Tree. And then, my Mother would re-do it !!

You gotta tradition!

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RIP… Ryan O’Neal, star of TV’s “Peyton Place”, and movies including "Love Story" and "Paper Moon" died Friday at age 82. No cause of death was given, but O’Neal had suffered from both Leukemia and Prostate Cancer. His daughter, actress Tatum O’Neal says she hopes he’s now reunited with his “longtime love” Farrah Fawcett who died in 2009. O’Neal and Fawcett were together for 17 years.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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For the first time since its release in 1958… Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" is the #1 song on the Billboard Hot 100 chart! The holiday classic outperformed Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You," which came in at No. 2.

- Brenda Lee was just 13 years old when she recorded the song… meaning she’s 78 today. She’s still “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”… but now she does it with a Walker while wearing Compression Socks.

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This Saturday, Lifetime Network will debut “A Cowboy Christmas Romance”… the Channel’s first Christmas Movie to feature a Sex Scene.

- Well I guess we know who’s gonna end up on Santa’s “Naughty” list.

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A new report says that U.S. lawmakers are calling for more transparency when it comes to UFOs.

- I’m all for more transparency… with the exception of the Kardashian women. I think we’ve seen enough of them on the Internet.

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King Charles recently told world leaders that the warning signs of the Climate Crisis are being ignored and that the world is heading for “Dangerous Uncharted Territory.”

- Oh yeah? Well we told him that when Harry was about to marry Meghan… and Charles didn't do anything to stop THAT.

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Video game fans are reportedly freaking out after learning that the highly anticipated “Grand Theft Auto 6” doesn’t come out until 2025.

- 2025? Boy this really puts a dent in my Christmas Wish List!!

- So I’m just supposed to play “Grand Theft Auto 5” for another year????

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The director of the “Evil Dead” movies said he's making new installments of the franchise which feature flesh-possessing demons who wreak havoc on regular people, terrorizing their every moment.

- Merry Christmas!!!

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A new report says that the “Pop-Tarts Bowl” between the North Carolina State Wolfpack and Kansas State Wildcats will feature the first ever edible mascot. The winner of the matchup will get a very large toaster pastry.

- This reminds me of that one year they had the "Fiber One Bowl". If I remember correctly... It was a real blowout.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Oxford University Press has announced that the Oxford Word of the Year for 2023 is…

Rizz. You read that right. “Rizz”.

I’m just gonna say it. I’ve never heard that word in my life. So I looked it up… Rizz is defined as “Style, charm or attractiveness” and as “the ability to attract a romantic or sexual partner”.

Personally… I’d say Jennifer Aniston and Charlize Theron have “Rizz”. But that’s just me…

- “Rizz” just doesn’t sound that attractive. I mean, “Plop, Plop… Rizz, Rizz… Oh, How Pretty She Is… “ just doesn’t work for me.

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Climate Czar John Kerry appeared to have "Broken Wind" during one of his "Climate Change" talks in Dubai yesterday. He was in the middle of equating the Climate Crisis with increased deaths when an audible bleating noise was heard.

- Maybe John should stop worrying about SUV emissions and worry about his own.

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The story even made international headlines... with the British paper, TheDailyMail.com calling the Flatulence episode a "Bottom Burp".

- I've never heard it called a “Bottom Burp” before. It's got a much nicer ring to it than most of the terms my son-in-laws usually use to describe it.

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HBO Films has optioned the rights to a new book that details the short-lived Political Career of Congressman George Santos. For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Santos was kicked out of Congress last week for ethics violations for lying about his past.

- Well if "Lying" is the standard to make a movie about a Congressman... then C-SPAN is the new Netflix.

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According to a new survey by WalletHub, more than 1 in 3 Americans are foregoing Christmas gifts this year due to inflation.

- That’s fine! Because all I want this year is a chance to have my Medicare Part B coverage reviewed to see if my doctor is in network… and luckily, from what they tell me on TV, operators are STANDING BY RIGHT NOW to let me know if special benefits are available in my area!!!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Michigan’s headed to the Rose Bowl where they’ll play Alabama… Washington will face Texas, then the winners of those games will face off for the National Championship! GO BLUE!!!

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Billy Crystal, Dionne Warwick and Bee Gee Brother Barry Gibb were among the five artists named as Kennedy Center Honorees by President Biden at the White House Sunday night. The group was honored for their contributions to shaping the “very soul of then nation”.

- Dionne Warwick said she had “no idea” she was even nominated for the award… which doesn’t speak to highly of her “Psychic Hotline”.

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This week, Slider-fans camped out for twelve hours to be the first people inside the new White Castle restaurant location in Tempe, Arizona.

- Historians say the last time someone worked that hard to get in a Castle, Meghan Markle was trying to get Prince Harry to Marry her.

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Speaking of Wedded Bliss…

Sanitation workers in New Hampshire went digging through 20 tons of trash to locate a resident's lost wedding ring.

- But it was all worth it when they emerged from the dump with the ring… and the bride gave them the finger… ya know… to put it on.

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Washington, D.C., is continuing to see a steady increase in crime with over 900 carjackings reported in the district so far this year.

- Wow… They’re REALLY GOOD at Stealing in D.C.! And now they’ve got all those carjackers, too!

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A stretch of highway in Ohio was closed when two-semi’s carrying candy collided, leaving the freeway covered in Caramel and Chocolate.

- Say, that would make a really good candy bar! I can hear it now… “Get your Twix… on Route 66”

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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The heir of the Woke Anheuser-Busch Beer Company- that lost TENS OF BILLIONS of $$$ during the Dylan Mulvaney Trans-Woman Beer Ad disaster, has put his mansion in Malibu, California, up for sale for $4.45 MILLION.

- The house has 6 Bedrooms and 7 and 1/2 Gender Neutral Bathrooms.

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Elon Musk said that Advertisers like Disney, NBC, and others who have pulled advertising off "X" over his Free Speech policies can go "Go BLANK Yourselves”.

- Well I guess that’s an example of that “Free Speech” he’s talkin’ about, right there!

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Ron DeSantis and Gavin Newsom will finally face-off in a highly anticipated debate on Fox News Thursday night.

- So the guy who's 40 points behind the GOP leader is debating another guy who says he's NOT EVEN RUNNING... Do I have that right???

- Or, if you look at it another way, The Governor of the State people are LEAVING (California) is debating the Governor of the State people are leaving to GO TO (Florida)... Get the Popcorn! This is gonna be fun!

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A Florida man was busted for soliciting a prostitute after he offered to pay an undercover cop with a Hamburger.

- Unfortunately, giving the Hooker a Hamburger didn't magically turn it into a "Happy Meal" like he'd hoped.

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Before her death in 1996, A psychic from Bulgaria, who reportedly predicted 9/11 and the Covid-19 pandemic, forecast that 2024 will be a year filled will "Dark Events" including a major economic crisis, biological attacks and an assassination attempt on Vladimir Putin.

- I don’t mean to knock her "Credentials”… but the way things are going these days, I don’t think you need to be a Bulgarean Psychic to figure out things are going in the WRONG DIRECTION!

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According to a new study, a “Positive Personality” may be all you need to prevent dementia.

- Well that rules most of the ladies on “The View”.

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“Oppenheimer” has become the new Cabbage Patch Kid or Buzz Lightyear of the 2023 Christmas Season, with shoppers buying them up faster than retailers can keep them in stock.

- What a sad commentary on life today... When the "Feel Good Christmas Gift of the Season" is a Movie about dropping the Atomic Bomb!!

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RIP… Henry Kissinger, who shaped America’s Cold War Policies, died yesterday at the age of 100.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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