Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 45th year by dining at IHOP with her friends last week… shocking fans who thought the restaurant was fairly “lowbrow” for the reality star who’s worth $65 MILLION.

- Hey… The Kardashian’s may not wear pants often, but when they do… they put them on one leg at a time just like the rest of us.

*****

During an interview with the VP on her Daytime Talk Show, Drew Barrymore told Kamala Harris that the U.S. needs “a great protector right now” and that we need her to be our… “Mom-ala”.

- I don’t know about you, but if Kamala’s gonna be my “Mom”… I’d like to put myself up for Adoption.

*****

A recent survey finds that nearly 2 of every 5 homeowners don’t believe they could afford to buy their own home if they were purchasing it today.

- And the squatters LIVING in their homes at the time, were like, “We totally get that. The prices today are OUTRAGEOUS!”.

*****

Future WNBA star Caitlin Clark was seen autographing a fan’s ultrasound photo during her appearance at the Indiana Pacers playoff game.

- Refreshing to see a Professional Basketball player signing an Ultrasound photo instead of taking a paternity test for a change, isn’t it?

*****

Two new surveys found that more than 1/3 of U.S. workers are worried that A.I. robots will result in them having their hours cut or losing their job entirely.

- And the really scary part? Half of the survey’s were filled out by robots.

*****

Dramatic video captured a Lufthansa Airlines Boeing 747 with 350 passengers on board BOUNCING OFF THE RUNWAY in California…TWICE… before aborting its landing and taking back to the skies. Officials at the airline say they’re “investigating” but admit it was a “Training Flight”.

- Well that would explain the giant “Student Driver” stickers on the Wings.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

No details yet… but Dolly Parton announced that she’s launching her own line of Wines.

- No word on whether they will be Red or White… but we do know that they will be available in Jugs.

*****

A man studying forestry in Alabama set a World Record for “Most Trees Hugged in an Hour” when he hugged 1,123 trees at the Tuskegee National Forest over the weekend.

- Question: Did he get Consent from all the trees first???

- Oh sure… it always starts with a simple hug, but pretty soon your “Sittin’ in the Tree… K-I-S-S-I-N=G. First comes Love, then comes Marriage… then comes a Baby in the Baby Carriage!”

*****

I was feeling a little nostalgic this weekend and started thinking I’d take a trip back to College and walk around campus. I wonder if anything’s going on these days….. 😳😳😳😳😳

*****

An engraved Pocketwatch that belonged to NY Real Estate Magnate John Jacob Astor IV and was with him when he went down on the Titanic… sold for $1.5 MILLION at auction. Realizing there wasn’t enough room for the men, Astor is said to have put his wife in a lifeboat, tossed her his gloves, lit himself a cigarette and went down with the ship.

- Proving once again that… Smoking Kills.

*****

Vice President Kamala Harris suggested “sexism” is to blame for comments about her notorious cackling laugh.

- Seriously? I’m pretty sure her cackle annoys Men and Women EQUALLY.

*****

In a new global survey, young Canadians’ Happiness has plummeted to 58th place.

- Simply put, they say their quality of life has gone from an “A, eh” to a “D, eh”. Or something like that.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Want to grow your own Vegetables? Mind your Pees and Q’s! Scientists say HUMAN URINE contains nitrogen and phosphorus that is considered a “superfood” for plants and that by watering them with a mix of one part urine mixed with 9 parts water… your veggies will grow like weeds.

- Well just what America needs. Another reason to NOT eat our Vegetables.

*****

A Police Officer in Canada pulled over a vehicle last week but when he approached the drivers side to speak to the person behind the wheel… there was no wheel. Turns out, the driver was using Vise Grip Pliers to “Drive” the vehicle. The was arrested… but was ticketed and asked to get a vehicle inspection.

- You can hear all about it in the new hit Country song, “Jesus… Take the Pliers”.

*****

The U.S. Postal Service wants to raise the price of a forever stamp from 68 cents to 73 cents.

- On a bright note… the cost of Losing your mail will remain the same!

*****

Caitlin Clark, the number one pick in the WNBA draft two weeks ago, is set to sign a $28 million shoe deal with Nike.

- And if you think that’s a lot wait until you hear about the deal she’s gonna get at DSW! (For you guys… That’s the “Designer Shoe Wearhouse”. I know because I’ve got a lot of daughters)

****

According to a new poll, 57% of adults would feel better if they got more sleep.

- Get more sleep?? Dream on!

*****

A Democratic State Senator in Minnesota was charged with first-degree burglary after Cops say she allegedly broke into her stepmother's house to retrieve “personal items” - including her late father’s ashes.

- She say’s she wasn’t “stealing” her Dad’s ashes so much as she was “Taking them to make sure he’d have the chance to Vote in November”.

*****

Animal rescuers in Virginia arranged a “family reunion” of sorts for a family of curious ducklings who became separated from their mother when they wandered into a hotel.

- But it was a costly mistake: The ducklings got into the Mini-Bar… and the Mama duck ended up with a huge Bill.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s “National Pigs-in-a-Blanket Day!”… Which reminds me of John Candy & Eugene Levy as the “Schmenge Brothers”. They were the Polka Duo whose hour long “Documentary” called “The Last Polka” (lol) included the hit number “Cabbage Rolls and Coffee… Mmm Mmm Good!!!”. (Look it up on YouTube.com It’s worth it… I promise).

*****

President Biden’s latest gaffe had even Democrat’s wincing… At a Tampa campaign rally on Tuesday, he said "I don’t know why we’re surprised by Trump. How many times does HE have to prove… WE can't be trusted?"

- Good question, Joe. Good question!

*****

Later today, Donald Trump will find out whether the Judge in his alleged Hush Money case in NYC finds him guilty of violating a gag order against him, and if so, what the punishment will be. Trump could face thousands in fines and - potentially - jail time.

- Gee… I’m starting to think they don’t want him to run for President or something.

*****

Several centuries-old bottles of cherries have been unearthed at George Washington’s home in Mount Vernon, Virginia. You don’t have to believe me, but…

- I cannot tell a lie!

*****

Researchers say we can significantly cut down on the effects of Global Warming by Breeding Cows that “Break Less Wind”.

- Yeah right! If that technology existed… every wife in America would have already figured out a way to buy it for their husband.

*****

The new movie “The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare” flopped on its opening weekend bringing in just $8 MILLION. Based on the book “Churchill's Secret Warriors,” the film explores the formation of a covert British commando unit during World War II.

- Apparently, most people just stay home these days and watch the World gear up for War on TV for Free instead.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s International Nose Picking Day! So no matter where you stand… Left Side or or Right Side… Let’s all come together today and Pick a Winner!

*****

JetBlue will begin implementing “surge pricing” for checked bags to counter what it says are increased costs associated with wages and fuel. TRANSLATION: You'll pay more to check a bag during peak travel times.

- I'm good with that as long as we can have "Surge Suing" where we can sue for more money if the door happens to fall off the plane during a "Peak time" during our flight.

*****

An animal rescue group in Connecticut treated a pair of drunk vultures with fluids and gave them “a big breakfast” after the birds got super drunk on food they found in a dumpster. A vet said the food had fermented causing the birds to become “wildly intoxicated”.

- On a bright note, With their experience of flying drunk… The Vultures are shoo-ins for jobs as Pilots at Southwest!

*****

The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art has unveiled a new collection of fancy Bongs used to smoke Marijauna. It's a celebration of the "Art of Cannabis Smoking".

- Or as Hunter Biden calls it... "Christmas in April!".

*****

Red Lobster is reportedly considering filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection after significant financial blows, including an $11 million loss on their “Endless Shrimp” promotion last summer.

- Which is ironic… They lost $11 MILLION on Endless Shrimp… While I gained 5 pounds on “Too Many Cheddar Bay Biscuits”. Yum!

*****

A Walton County, Florida couple is facing felony charges after allegedly fraudulently attempting to claim a million-dollar lottery prize. Get this... They taped the halves of two different losing scratch-off tickets together to make one "Winning" ticket. Cops said the tape was “Blatantly obvious”.

- Well, Duh! That’s why I ALWAYS use Gorilla Glue when I piece tickets together to scam the lottery!!! HELLO!!!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Saturday, Jim Harbaugh kept his promise and got a Michigan tattoo in honor of their national championship season. The coach - who has never gotten a tattoo before… now has “15-0” underneath a Blue block M emblazoned on upper right arm.

*****

Taylor Swift's new album, the "Tortured Poets Department" came out this weekend to largely glowing reviews... but one magazine chose to print their less than glowing review "anonymously" - lest the critic suffer the wrath of Taylor's fan's "The Swifties".

- So let me get this straight... A bunch of 18 year olds can SHUT DOWN a U.S. University by harrassing and intimidating fellow students and the University does NOTHING ... Meanwhile a MUSIC REVIEWER won't admit he doesn't like a TAYLOR SWIFT SONG because he's afraid he's gonna make a bunch of 16 year old girls MAD???

- Do you think maybe the inmates are running the asylum???

*****

A Swedish company has launched a new app which lets its users earn money by reporting wrongly parked cars.

- There's only one problem. Being Swedish, the app is made by IKEA... and you have to put it together before you can use it.

*****

According to a new report, Legal sales of marijuana and marijuana products -- like edibles -- reached an estimated $30 billion in 2022.

- Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (Or eat it... as the case may be).

*****

According to a new poll, 75% of voters think the cost of living in the United States is rising.

- The other 25% could answer the poll because they were on their way to their third job.

*****

A new survey finds that the average New Yorker eats 111 bagels each year.

- And with violent crime on the rise, more and more people are taking the Lox off those bagels and putting them on their front doors.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

During a speech in his hometown of Scranton yesterday, President Biden told the crowd that his Uncle “Bosie” was EATEN by CANNIBALS after his plane was shot down over New Guinea during World War II… despite Military Records showing the plane was shot down over the ocean.

- Well… maybe the the Cannibals were Good Swimmers??

- It could have been a kind of “Surf ‘n Turf” kind of thing.

*****

A recent survey finds that 38% of Canadian employees say they spend too much time working… with 52% saying they work more than 40 hours per week.

- Question: Is that 40 hours CANADIAN or 40 hours AMERICAN??

*****

Director Alex Garland’s provocative thriller “Civil War” lit up the box office with $25.7 million in its debut. The movie is set in the not-so-distant future where the United States goes to war against itself.

- And the way things things are going these days… the "not-so-distant future" means “this afternoon”.

*****

A new report says that reality star and stuntman ,Johnny Knoxville recently hinted at the potential for another in his series of “Jackass” movies. So look for "Jackass 5" coming soon to a Theater near you.

- Or you can just ask your kids and grandkids what’s trending on TikTok!

*****

ABC’s “Golden Bachelor” Gerry Turner and his new bride Theresa Nist announced that they’re getting a divorce just three months after getting married. AT 72 and 70 respectively, Gerry and Theresa say they “want different things”.

- For instance… She likes Raisin Bran… while he’s more of a Fiber One guy.

*****

86 men stood side by side at the National Beard and Mustache Championships in Florida, last weekend and had their mustaches clipped together end-to-end to form “The World’s Longest ‘Stache” measuring 195 feet long.

- Two questions:

1) Why?

2) How much alcohol was involved?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

This week we celebrate World Semicolon Day! So don’t forget to call your High School English teacher and schedule your annual Semi-Colonoscopy!

*****

The infamous white Ford Bronco carrying OJ Simpson in a low-speed chase across LA may finally be up for sale and is expected to get $1.5 MILLION at auction.

- $1.5 MILLION for a Bronco? There gonna make a killing!

- The Bronco is said to be in near-mint condition and can go from zero to 25 mph in less than 60 seconds.

*****

After an outcry from animal rights activists over the cruelty of glue-traps, New York lawmakers are proposing new ways to “Humanely” cut down the Rat population.

- So they’re just going to give the rats Gift Cards to White Castle and let nature takes its course.

*****

A new report says that reality star and stuntman Johnny Knoxville recently hinted at the potential for another in his series of Jackass movies. So look for "Jackass 5" coming soon to a Theater near you.

- Or you can just ask your kids and grandkids what's trending on TikTok.

*****

Disneyland is facing a lawsuit after “a worker dressed as Goofy collided with a woman and knocked her over, causing physical injuries”.

- Wait… Go back to the part about “a worker DRESSED as Goofy”??? Right… Like Goofy’s not real.

*****

CBS announced it will cancel it’s daytime show, “The Talk” after it’s 17th Season in December. .

- Now if someone one at ABC could just have the FINAL SEASON “Talk” with the ladies of “The View”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Tennessee Legislature has overwhelmingly voted to send the Governor a proposal that would BAN marriage between first cousins.

- Damn! I better call my Cousins in Bumpus Cove, TN and let ‘em know before they send out the Invites to the Wedding/Baby Shower.

*****

Former President Trump walked into a Manhattan courtroom this morning... becoming the first President in U.S. History to face Criminal Charges. For those of you keeping score... this trial is about the alleged Stormy Daniels hush money payments.

- Keep it here to stay abreast of all the details…

*****

A study into the work habits of Americans revealed that Washington, DC tops the list of America’s HARDEST-working cities.

- Really? I’m thinking that with Congress and the White House being there, that was supposed to read DC tops the list of "America's "HARDLY working cities"...

*****

According to a government survey, Japanese youth spend around 5 hours per day online.

- American parents were like, "Amateurs!"

*****

A video of a snake "doing his business" has gone Viral on Facebook... The sheer size of the "droppings" from a giant snake has left people gobsmacked, with some admitting that they didn't even know serpents pooped.

- I guess I assumed they went to the bathroom... but I saw the video and I was surprised to see the snake texting on the toilet.

- Those must be some really tiny thumbs...

*****

Today is TAX DAY!

Uh oh. I better call my Cousins in Bumpus Cove again and give ‘em the bad news.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

THIS JUST IN...

OJ SIMPSON HAS DIED AT AGE 76 FROM PROSTATE CANCER...

Yes… He's taking that final, sloooow White Bronco Ride to the sky...

*****

President and First Lady Biden hosted a State Dinner for the Prime Minister and First Lady of Japan at the White House Last night with plenty of celebrity guests in attendance… Jeff Bezos fiance Lauren Sanchez turned heads by wearing a racy, red lingerie style dress that showed off her cleavage.

- I haven’t seen a plunge like that since the Kamikaze bombers hit Pearl Harbor.

*****

Bill & HIllary Clinton also attended the soiree…

- Hillary was hoping to discuss policy issues with the Japanese Prime Minister… and Bill was hoping to get a few minutes alone with Jeff Bezos Fiance.

****

Delta Airlines announced that it will soon update the way it boards passengers… going to a “Window… Middle Seat… then Aisle” process in an effort to speed up the boarding process.

- In related news… In addition to Beverages and Snacks… United will now be handing out Parachutes on all of their troubled Boeing 737’s!

*****

“Oppenheimer” officially became director Christopher Nolan’s biggest hit overseas… grossing $640 MILLION internationally.

- Making it the most successful Bombshell to come out of Hollywood since Sophia Loren.

*****

A German art museum recently fired a staff member for hanging his own painting in their gallery.

- He swears he didn’t do it… Says he was Framed. (Ba da Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

For the first time in 75 years, Mattel is making a major change to its iconic “Scrabble” board game. Why? To make it more appealing to Gen Z gamers. The new version is “less competitive, provides clues, and can be played according to the players chosen level of difficulty”. Oh… and there’s no more scoring! Critics are calling it “Scrabble for Snowflakes” and “Woke Scrabble”.

- I call it S-T-P-I-D. (Well… I’m missing a “U”, but you get the idea…)

*****

Mount Etna, Europe’s largest active volcano delighted tourists and locals by blowing almost perfect smoke rings into the blue skies over Italy over the weekend.

- That, or Liz Warren is vacationing in Rome.

*****

“Strictly Confidential” star Elizabeth Hurley says that having her son direct the sensual love scenes in her new movie - in which she makes out with another woman - was “Liberating”.

- Her son, meanwhile, described the experience as “Gross”.

*****

A new survey finds that more Americans now prefer the hybrid work model - where they go into the office one or two days a week - over being fully remote.

- So it looks like people are finally ready to put their pants back on… Only on Monday’s and Wednesday’s maybe… but hey, it’s a start!

*****

A new restaurant chain in New York City is outsourcing staff to the Philippines, using screens with hostesses on Zoom calls instead of in-person employees. And here’s the kicker: When customers check out, they’re still prompted to add a tip of up to 18% on top of their bill - for the person 1800 miles away.

Here’s a tip for FREE: If you go to that restaurant… Don’t leave a tip!

*****

According to canine experts, when it comes to being Vocal… the #1 Dog Breed is… The Beagle.

- Charlie Brown was like, “Good Grief!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Today is “National Chinese Almond Cookie Day”! How do I know? Confucius TOLD ME yesterday in the Fortune Cookie I got with my lunch combo at Wong’s Chinese Carry Out on Woodward!

It’s also Winston Churchill Day… The man considered by most Histornians as the Man most responsible for Saving the World from Hitler.

*****

The View’s Sonny Hostin is being roundly mocked online for trying to tie the recent Earthquake in New York, the return of the Cicadas, and yesterday’s Eclipse to “Climate Change”. The claim was so ridiculous - even castmate Joy Behar called her out on it.

- Which puts me in a real quandary. Sunny’s position makes no sense. But to be honest… Joy isn’t exactly a Spokesmodel for the Mensa Society, either.

*****

Passengers on a Houston-bound Southwest Airlines flight recently watched in horror as the cover from one of the engines on the Boeing 737-800 came apart mid-flight forcing the pilot to make an emergency return to the airport.

- On a bright note… If there’s nothing good to watch on the “In Flight Entertainment System”… you can always just look out the window!

*****

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon warned that excessive government spending in the U.S. may continue to fuel both high inflation and interest rates - which goes against what Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen says is happening.

- So I guess in this case, at least, “Dimon is NOT a Girl’s Best Friend”.

*****

You probably know that next Monday - April 15th is Tax Day - but it turns out not everybody is “in the know”. According to a new survey… Nearly 50% of Gen Z and Millennials (that includes people 12 to 43 years old) DIDN’T KNOW that taxes have to be filed by April 15th.

- But let’s be honest… Even if they DID know, they’d probably just wait around for the White House to announce some kind of “Tax Forgiveness” program to get votes.

*****

From the Creative Criminals Department…

A porch pirate in Sacramento, California was caught on camera sneaking up to a home and stealing a package - while dressed in a black garbage bag. The homeowner was so amused by the burglar’s get-up he said, “Good one” to the thief over his “Ring” camera microphone and didn’t even bother reporting the crime.

- We’ve gone from “America’s Funniest Home Videos” to “America’s Funniest Home Felonies”.

*****

A new genetic discovery reveals that left-handed people are rarer than many think.

- That’s just not right.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Dog Flatulance Appreciation Day! So Ladies… Make sure to slip your Husbands an extra treat today! (wink, wink!)

*****

More importantly… It’s Eclipse Day!

Later today, a total solar eclipse will temporarily leave parts of North America in complete and utter darkness as the Moon passes between the Earth and the Sun. Being scientific types - but also wanting to help out those less “astro-physics minded”, we did some research and came up with a visual aid we thought might help explain what’s happening for you. (And mostly, us).

*****

Eclipse Trivia Time…

Bonnie Tyler’s song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” has been all over the Radio waves this weekend… but there’s another song from the 70’s that made reference to the Celestial Event: Carly Simon’s 1972 hit, “You're So Vain”.

In the lyrics… Carly sings:

“Well I hear you went up to Saratoga

And your horse naturally won

Then you flew your lear jet up to __________

To see the total eclipse of the sun.”

WHERE DID HE FLY THE JET? (Answer below my sign off at the bottom!)

*****

Speaking of that song…

At the end of that verse… Carly sings,

“Well you’re where you should be all the time,

And when you’re not you’re with…

Some underworld spy,

Or the Wife of a Close Friend, Wife of a Close Friend and…

Your So Vain. You Probably think this song is about you…”

Well… back in the day my youngest daughters Jessica and Julie were convinced that “Wife of a close friend” was “Wife of the Postman”.

*****

That wasn’t as bad as Juice Newton’s 1981 cover of “Angel of the Morning”… Remember that line, “Just touch my cheek before you leave me”?. Yeah, well my daughters thought it was, “Just LICK MY TEETH before you leave me”.

*****

But I digress… Back to the Eclipse… Doctors warn that watching it with the naked eye could cause permanent damage to your vision.

Which is gonna be a real problem for Brittney Spears. These days, it seems she does pretty much EVERYTHING naked.

*****

The next Total Solar Eclipse in the United States won’t happen for 22 years… in 2044.

-To put that in perspective… in 2044, Joe Biden will be 103, Donald Trump will be 99 - and they’ll both be running for President.

*****

Former President Bill Clinton has a memoir coming out this fall about his life after the White House.

- No title yet, but we do know it’ll be a Pop-up book.

*****

In the last week… we had a 4.8 Earthquake in NY, New Jersey, and along the East Coast, Lightning struck the Statue of Liberty… and today, we’ve got the total Eclipse of the Sun.

- Well you know what they say… If Mother Nature aint happy, Ain’t NOBODY happy!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

*ANSWER: Nova Scotia

Next month, Billions… if not trillions, of cicadas are expected to emerge from the underground in 17 U.S. states in a rare natural phenomenon not seen since 1803. (To put that in perspective, Thomas Jefferson was the US President… #3)

- There haven’t been that many bugs in one location in since Donald Trump first announced he was running for President back in 2016.

*****

Costco will begin offering $179 Ozempic prescriptions to members at some of their locations across the nation.

- You gotta love Costco! Where else can you get 36 Rolls of Toilet Paper, 10 Pounds of Frozen Cocktail Franks, a pair of Sweat Pants, a Big Screen TV, a Casket, a 1/4 pound hot dog for a buck fifty, and now… a weight loss shot… all before noon on Saturday.

*****

JetBlue’s is now changing the amount they charge for bag fees - depending on which day you fly. The busier the travel day… the more you pay… with prices reaching $50 per bag on peak dates.

- We used to say the airlines charged “An arm and a leg” for baggage fees… Nows it’s getting to the point where they may actually charge us for having ARMS and LEGS.

*****

A group of House Republicans introduced a bill on Tuesday to rename Washington, D.C.’s main international airport after former President Trump.

- Not to be outdone… The Democrats immediately introduced a bill to rename a “Stair Master” after President Biden.

*****

A new study finds that the amount of money Americans think they need to retire comfortably has hit a record high of $1.46 MILLION.

- Which the government says is absolutely no problem if you do the following:

#1) Get $1.46 MILLION…

*****

Vermont’s winter manure-spreading ban has been lifted for spring.

- And people say there’s no Positive news to report!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Congratulations to Punxsutawney Phil and his Groundhog Wife Phyliss who welcomed two babies this weekend! No word on whether the little ones are Punxsutawney Boys or Punxsutawney Girls… and no names were given… but Mother and babies are said to be doing well.

- Right after the birth, Mrs. Punxatawney emerged from her hospital room, saw her shadow and said there would be at least six more weeks of NO SEX for Phil.

*****

National Love Your Produce Manager Day - So Lettuce all take a minute to say thanks for all the Fruits of your Labor!!!

*****

During the 2024 Easter Egg Roll on the lawn of the White House, President Biden introduced two Giant White Rabbits to a crowd of children as the “Oyster Bunnies”.

- Well, knowing this White House... it was probably part of "Trans-Shellfish-on-the-Half-Shell Visibility Day".

*****

Despite overwhelming homelessness and a massive uptick in crime and drug use, a new Study by WalletHub.com found San Francisco to be the Healthiest City to live in, in all of America.

- It’s true! If you can avoid being killed… you’ll have a hell of a life there!

*****

A new survey finds that 30% of Americans say they’ll never buy an electric vehicle.

- Mostly because they don’t have an extension cord long enough to make it from their garage to the grocery store.

*****

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos paid $90 MILLION for a mansion near Miami on an exclusive man made island known locally as "Billionaire's Bunker".

- He said he hadn't planned on spending that much on a house... but when it showed up as a "Lightning Deal"... he just couldn't help putting the mansion in his Cart.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I hope you had a peaceful and joyous Easter with your Family and Friends!

*****

In a shocking move… Downey Fabric Softner announces that going forward, it’s famed “April Fresh” laundry product packaging will rotate labels to will make your clothes, “October Fresh”, “January Fresh”, etc”. It’s in an effort to be “More equitable to the other Months”.

- I thought it sounded like a pretty good idea until I thought about “February Fresh”. To be honest… that just doesn’t sound that appealing.

(April Fools!)

*****

The Pilot of a United Boeing 777 on it’s way from Germany to San Francisco was forced to return to the airport in Frankfurt after… “Poop” from a broken toilet overflowed, ran down the aisle and filled the entire cabin with a noxious odor.

- Go figure… The ONE time it would have been nice for a door to fall off and…. nothing.

*****

McDonald’s has announced plans to sell Krispy Kreme donuts.

-It’s part of their new “McHeart Attack Breakfast Menu”

*****

Transportation experts say soon… it won’t be uncommon to see fully autonomous (ie: SELF-DRIVING) 18-Wheelers on highways across America… and that the first “Humanless Big Rigs” will be on the road in Texas by the end of this year.

- Well if there’s no truck driver… Who’s gonna blow the horn when I’m driving down the highway, next to the truck, and I stick my arm out of the car window and make that pumping motion???

*****

Actor Jussie Smollett is appealing his 2021 disorderly conduct conviction, and according to the Associated Press, the Illinois Supreme Court has agreed to hear his case.

- Seriously, Jussie?? Talk about beating a dead horse!

*****

55 year old Will Smith says turning 50 changed his views on money. Smith… who is worth an estimated $350 MILLION claims he finally realized that money just buys “things” but that true happiness comes from “love and relationships”.

- Sounds like Will got hit with a little Common Sense. Or in his case, got Slapped by it.

- Then again… Will is more often the “Slapper” than the “Slappee”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

With Easter just a few days a way, Moms, Dads & of course the Easter Bunny are stocking up on sweet holiday treats. The biggest sellers this year: Chocolate Bunnies, Marshmallow Peeps, and the #1 Seller across the US: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.

- I love the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs… but, being the health nut I am… I separate them and make myself a nice Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg-White Omelet! Yum!

*****

Tonight, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama will join President Biden for a one-night only $10,000 per person fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall in NYC. The money will go to Biden’s re-election campaign.

- Obama will hit up the big money donors, Joe will hit the Democrat talking points, and Bill will hit on the Rockettes.

*****

Medical experts are calling for over-50s to be taught about “Safe Sex” after rates of gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis have soared in Retirement Communities like “The Villages” in Florida.

- Well… they say those places have “Everything You Need!”… and apparently a few things you DON’T.

*****

On his Podcast, “Arnold’s Pump Club”, Ahhnold Schwarzenegger revealed that he had surgery to have a Pacemaker put in last week. He’s had three prior heart surgeries due to a genetic heart condition - But worry not… the Terminator was already out and about by Friday.

- They worked on his front… and he’s already “Bach”

*****

An Australian snake catcher had to make a house call after residents walked in on a pair of highly venomous serpents mating in the middle of their kitchen.

- The owner’s were like, “Have never heard of a bedroom??? And the snakes were like, “Have you ever heard of knocking first?”

*****

Disney+ is adding another gem to the long list of their documentaries with the upcoming title, “The Beach Boys.”

- But with Disney being so "Woke" and all... in the Documentary, half of the Beach "Boys" will actually be "Girls"... and you don't even want to know what they do when they're "In My Room"...

- "Would it be nice" if they just left things alone???

*****

RIP… Joe Lieberman, former Democratic senator who was Al Gore's running mate and later became a prominent force for independent candidates has died from complications from a fall at his home in Connecticut. He was 82.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It's "National Country Music Song Titles Day"!

I’m not a huge country fan… but there’s a new song out that’s really catchy… It’s called: "There's Not Enough Bud Light in the World to Drink Dylan Mulvaney Pretty".

*****

President Joe Biden confused Baltimore commuters on Tuesday when he recalled traveling over Baltimore's Francis Scott Key bridge by train while commuting from Delaware "many, many times" over the years. Only problem... The Key bridge doesn’t have any Railroad tracks.

- But I say if you believe that… You’re a lying, dog face pony soldier!

*****

Dollar Tree has announced that it will raise its price cap to $7 as it experiences an influx of shoppers earning yearly salaries over $125,000, company officials said.

- So apparently when it comes to pricing… the Dollar Tree is “Branching” out.

*****

The New York Police Department is blitzing the subway system with 800 more cops over the next five days to hunt down fare-beaters.

- I'm to trying to be a naysayer here... but shouldn't New York be less worried about "Fare-Beaters" right now and concentrate a little more on "People-Beaters"???

*****

Well Shiver me timbers... there's another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie in the works.

- But to make the new movie more "current", the new version will follow a band of swashbucklers as they cruise the high seas stealing Amazon Packages. It's tentatively titled: "Porch Pirates of the Caribbean"

*****

Danny DeVito has confirmed that he will be working with Arnold Schwarzenegger on a new movie.

- That’s the long and short of that story.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Thoughts and Prayers go out to those lost and still missing in the tragic Francis Scott Key Bridge disaster overnight in Baltimore… As of this writing, 2 of the 8 construction workers who were filling pot holes on the bridge at the time of the collapse have been rescued - one is in serious condition - the other miraculously survived unscathed. Six others are still unaccounted for. Officials say they don’t know how many passenger vehicles may have been on the bridge at the time… but thanks to the Cargo Ship sending out an SOS that they were in trouble, cars were stopped and “Lives were saved”. The FBI says no foul play is suspected at this time.

*****

Last night… the Department of Homeland Security conducted an Armed Raid on the home of Hip Hop Star Sean Puffy “P Diddy” Combs. The raids are “in connection with a federal sex trafficking investigation”… and took a really wild turn when Diddy boarded his private jet and reportedly took off for Antigua in the Bahamas. BUT… He was photographed at the Miami Airport and hasn’t been seen since…

- So… Did he flee the country? Did the feds arrest him?? It’s been hours and they’re not telling us DIDDY Squat!!!

*****

A recent survey of 2,000 adults reveals that a whopping 67% of Americans feel guilty when dining out.

- 50% say they feel guilt about the amount of money their spending… and the other 50% feel guilty about counting “Deep Fried Green Beans” as a serving of “Vegetables”.

*****

A new study confirms that Viagra cuts Alzheimer’s risk by over 50%.

- Thus the old expression… “You never forget your first time… or any time after that”.

*****

Things didn’t go too well for an Olympic skier when he testified on Capitol Hill Friday about the impact of climate change on the recreation industry. The 23-year-old struggled with basic facts… like insisting that carbon dioxide is a 'huge part of our atmosphere', before Senator John Kennedy of LA pointed out that it accounts for just 0.04%. The clearly out of his league skier responded, “Well, okay. But, yeah. I don't know”.

- I felt bad for the kid. II haven’t seen anybody sit in front of Congress and make that little sense since last week when AOC tried to explain that “RICO isn’t a Crime”. (It is, btw… “The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act”)

*****

The internet is abuzz with rumors that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce asked a popular LA gym to close down so they could work out all by themselves… leaving other gym members waiting outside for two hours yesterday.

- If the Gym was smart, they would have just sold tickets! I can see it now… “Taylor and Travis: The Treadmill Tour”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Kamala Harris was filmed smiling and clapping along with some Puerto Rican singers during her visit to San Juan, but stopped suddenly when an aide translated the lyrics which included“We want to know, Kamala, what did you come here for?"

- Three + years into her term as Vice President… I think we’d all like to know the answer to that question.

*****

“UGE” day for Donald Trump…

He’s in a NYC courtroom this morning for… (let me get out my special “Court Calendar”) the Stormy Daniels hush money case… Where he is charged with 34 counts of falsifying business records regarding over $130,000 in payments to the Porn Star.

- In his defense, it’s a whole lotta paperwork when you’re dealing with $130,000 in SINGLES.

*****

Meanwhile… An appeals court slashed former President Donald Trump's bond payment this morning from $454 MILLION to $175 MILLION… and gave him 10 days to pay it in order to appeal the Civil Fraud Allegations by NY AG Letitia James. He originally had to post all $454 MILLION by midnight tonight.

- I’m no Geoffrey Feiger… and my hair’s certainly not that spectacular… But isn’t it kind of Anti-American to have to pay $175 MILLION just for the right to go to court to try to prove that you shouldn’t have to pay the $454 MILLION in the first place??

*****

Scientists in Australia have identified a new species of Beetle that they say can hide from predators because it looks eerily similar to Bird Poop.

- It was discovered accidentally by a researcher who found it on his windshield after he’d just gotten his car washed.

*****

The CEO, COO and Chairman of the Board of Boeing are all stepping down at the end of the year as the plane maker continues to recover from the Alaska Airlines Door disaster and ongoing 737 Max safety issues.

- I’m sure they all end up with massive “Golden Parachutes”… Whereas there passengers would just be happy with regular old parachutes handed out before every flight.

*****

New York City experienced a rainfall record during Saturday’s storm with more than 3.6 inches recorded in Central Park.

- It was so wet that MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet, green icing flowing down

Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don't think that I can take it

'Cause it took so long to bake it

And I'll never have that recipe again

Oh, no…

(Btw… “MacArthur Park” is considered by Disc Jockey’s everywhere as “The Bathroom Break Song” because it was 7 minutes and 20 seconds long).

*****

Thoughts and Prayers to Princess Kate, Prince William and their Children as she begins treatment for Cancer. The Princess of Wales made the announcement in an emotional video posted to social media Friday after months of speculation about her whereabouts.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

---