Red Wings & Other Things...

Wings vs. Blackhawks Game 1 of Round 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight in Chicago! 8pm our time! 

*****

Disney is considering adding a new ride that promises more spins, twists and turns than Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

- They’re calling it “The Obama White House”.

***** 

Fox announced that Kiefer Sutherland will return in a new, limited series version of the show “24”. 

- It will run over three nights and be called “8”, “8” & “8”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan is upset because the doctors at her rehab facility won’t let her have the Adderall pill she claims she needs to treat her Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  

- She’s also upset that the only thing in her mini-bar is Diet Coke and Orange Juice. 

*****

Convicted murderer Jodi Arias continues to insist that she wants to get the death penalty. 

- With the media focused on the three White House Scandals instead of her, she figures she’s got nothing to live for. 

- A prison guard overheard her saying, “Who do I have to kill to get some TV coverage in this town?”

*****

A cleric in Iran is warning that a big earthquake is on the way and it’s the fault of women who wear skimpy dresses. 

- In Iran, “skimpy dresses” means burkas that only go down to your ankles. 

- The cleric is known by the name “Nostra-Ridiculous”. 

*****

It’s so hard to find a dentist under Britain’s National Health Service that thousands of Brits are buying do-it-yourself dental kits to glue down loose veneers and yank out their own teeth. 

- My Grandpa had one of those kits…it came with a piece of string and a door knob. 

- The most shocking part of this story is finding out that British people have any teeth at all.

- The story was leaked to the press by a disgrunted molar in the Health Department.

*****

Have a great day, I’ll see you back here Thursday and GO WINGS!!!

-Dick

"The Lions Are Goin' To The Super Bowl!!!"

Detroit linebacker Nick Fairley said that this year, the Lions are going to the Superbowl. 

- They’re gonna have a heckuva time getting the whole team tickets in the same section. 

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick submitted a personally written motion to the court asking that his Guilty verdicts in the Federal Racketeering Trial be overturned because his lawyer did a bad job representing him. 

- If he thinks his lawyer did a bad job, I wonder what he thinks of the job he did as Mayor? 

*****

Meanwhile OJ Simpson was back in court Monday asking for a new trial. 

- I say give him a new trial - not the one about armed robbery; the one about him killing his wife.

*****

President Obama called the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups “outrageous”. 

- And added that if he’d known it would go public, he never would have ordered them to do it.

*****

An American Airlines pilot on an L.A. to New York flight made an emergency landing in Kansas City to kick a woman off when she wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” at the top of her lungs. 

- At lease it wasn’t “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton!

- Everyone else on the plane was arrested for holding up lighters in the cabin during her performance. 

*****

A new study says that nearly 10% of Mexico’s population lives in the United States. 

- I almost dropped my Chalupa when I heard the news.  

- I knew I should have bought stock in Taco Bell!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Wings and Moms Were "Hot" On Mother's Day!

Hope you all had a sensational Mother’s Day! We had a great time… My daughter Jessica hosted brunch for all 21 of us. Lot’s of fun, lot’s of food, and lot’s of Moms! 

From the left…

Jessica, JoAnne, Julie, Gail, Jennifer, Jill & Jackie. 

There hasn’t been that much estrogen in one room since all of Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends held their annual “Playmate Playdate”! 

All of the Grandkids were there, too… Matt (18), Julia (15), Lauren (12), Preston (11), Charlie (11), Adam (10), Jack (9) and Brayden (15 months). I’d mention who belongs to which girl, but frankly it’s hard to keep track. Continuing the tradition of “Lousy Weather in Michigan on Mother’s Day” each year… the younger kids braved the elements to play outside. Not pictured: Matt & Julia (because they’re too cool to play outside) and Brayden (because at just over 1 year old, he’s too smart to go out when it’s that cold). 

****

In other news…

The Red Wings beat Anaheim 3-2 last night and will now go on to face the Blackhawks in the next round of the Playoffs. 

- The Ducks weren’t too upset…just like water, they let the loss roll off their backs. 

*****

Barbara Walters to retire in 2014…

- Allowing her to include herself as one of “The Most Fascinating People of 2014”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Mother's Day!

From the entire Purtan Family to you and yours… Happy Mother’s Day Mom! 

In keeping with a long-standing tradition on my radio show… we remember Dad’s contributions as well — IN SONG!

If It Wasn’t For Your Father, Would Your Mother Be Your Mother? 

The Wicked Glich Of The Midwest...

Welcome to Mother’s Day Weekend! We had a brand new Podcast recorded and ready to post, however, in listening back to it I realized that my microphone was not working and I sound like I’m talking from the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  

So instead of re-doing it, I decided to give my Podcasting partners, daughter Jackie and more importantly the mother of my six daughers, my wife Gail an early Mother’s Day Gift and NOT make them re-record the Podcast.

Okay…it’s not that I was that generous, it’s just that Jackie had plans and Gail and I are getting ready for our weekly “Date Night”. Speaking of which…I have to go now to make reservations for the 4pm Early Bird Special. (Tonight they’ve got all-you-can-eat green beans!)

We’ll be back next Friday with a “Post-Mother’s Day” Podcast…and look for a special surprise right here at dickpurtan.com on Sunday!

Thanks!

Dick 

Two Detroit Sports Losses...

The Wings quacked under pressure last night, losing to the Anaheim Ducks 3-2 in overtime. 3-2 is also how the series stands with the Ducks on top - meaning we need to win the next two games or we’re out of the Play-Offs. Game 6 at the Joe Friday night… GO WINGS!!!

And RIP Carol Anderson, wife of Tiger’s legendary manager Sparky Anderson. She passed away yesterday of natural causes at the age of 79. 

*****

Pfizer announced it will start selling Viagra online. 

- So now men can avoid the embarrassment of trying to “get it over the counter”. 

- Makes sense since online is where so many guys meet their dates. 

***** 

After a ridiculously long trial, Jodi Arias was found guilty of the First Degree Murder of her boyfriend.

- She told reporters she felt like the Jury had “stabbed her in the back”…like, maybe 27 times???

She also said she would prefer the death penalty to life in prison. 

- Okay. 

*****

78,000 people have applied to leave Earth forever to seek a new life on Mars. 

- Linsday Lohan wants to go because she figures Mars will have one of those cool bars like the one in Star Wars. 

- Tom Cruise said, “Great…there goes the neighborhood!”

***** 

Speaking of Tom Cruise…he’s signed-on to return as Ethan Hunt in the fifth “Mission: Impossible” movie. 

- In this sequel, the “Impossible Mission” is Tom actually keeping a wife. 

***** 

Beloved soap opera star Jeanne Cooper of “The Young and the Restless” has died at 84. 

- Or so the writers would have us believe…

- Her son Corbin Bernsen confirmed that she is really gone…unlike the 18 times she died and came back to life on the show. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with an all new Podcast Friday!

-Dick 

Chris Christie Turns 50...Loses 40!!!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie revealed that he recently got secret lap band stomach surgery and has already lost 40 pounds. 

- The doctors didn’t actually put a “band” around his stomach…they used a Hula-Hoop. 

- They tried to use liposuction, but the bag on the Hoover kept exploding. 

***** 

A real estate company is selling lots on the Moon for $19.99 an acre. 

- Finally! I can afford to live next to Tom Cruise! 

- They call it “One small step for man…and one giant leap for Century 21”. 

*****

NASA says the Earth will soon be experiencing “extreme” rain. 

- So apparently the rain is about to get a lot wetter than we’re used to. 

***** 

Insiders say that Prince William and Kate Middleton are having a boy. 

- Turns out they saw the little guy’s Royal Sceptor on the Ultrasound. 

- When the OB-GYN says “You’re crowning” during delivery, he’s gonna mean it LITERALLY!

***** 

A British company is selling the Ultimate Beach Bikini, which uses gels and foam to make a woman’s boobs look up to two cup sizes bigger. 

- We can only hope that the French never steal this idea and use it in men’s Speedos. 

***** 

A coroner testifieding in the Michael Jackson trail said that many of Michael’s facial features were artificial. 

- Boy, I didn’t see that one coming! 

He added that in additon to his ever-changing nose, Jacko had no real eyebrows…just eyebrow tatoos and had his lips dyed permanently pink. 

- That way he didn’t have to ask his monkey Bubbles to carry his lipstick for him. 

*****

The Betty Ford Center in California decided that Lindsay Lohan will not be granted the privilege of coming and going from the celebrity rehab center. 

- You realize what this means? She’s going to have to have her drugs and booze delivered!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Now You Can Have Your Cake...And A Heart Attack Too!

A new test can predict a heart attack seven years in advance simply by looking at your fingers.

- If you’re licking frosting off them at the time of the test, you may have the heart attack even sooner.

- Actually they just need to look at your middle finger. If it’s up enough, they figure you’re a really angry person with high blood pressure.

***** 

Al Jazeera is opening an office in Detroit.

- Good for Al…I didn’t realize his business was going so well! 

***** 

For the first time, Facebook has entered the Fortune 500 list of the 500 biggest companies in the world. 

- Apparently Forbes doesn’t realize that Facebook has a million “fake shareholders”.

***** 

KFC is marketing its new chicken using the slogan “I ate the bone!”

- The guy who came up with the idea was so emotional, he was all choked-up. 

- Apparently they’re trying to get a piece of the coveted “Dogs who love fast food” market.

***** 

North Korea sentenced an American citizen to 15 years hard labor. 

- Unfortunately that American citizen wasn’t Dennis Rodman. 

***** 

Fox canceled the reality show “Cops” after 25 years, but it was immediately picked up by the cable channel, Spike TV. 

- To spice up the show, Spike TV is adding anchors who will wear the same sleeveless, ribbed, stained white TV shirts as the suspects.  

***** 

An Australian menswear designer has created a $2400 wallet made out of whale foreskin.

- It seems to me a whale has enough foreskin to produce a full set of luggage and a weekend getaway bag.

- Interestingly, the inventor was a marine biologist who spent some time in the penile system. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to check out Podcast #78 “Tom Ryan’s Excellent (Air Conditioned) Adventure in Disney World”! It’s up on the homepage NOW!

-Dick

Mad About Kathleen Madigan!

Hope you had a great weekend… One of the highlights of mine was seeing the amazingly funny Kathleen Madigan at the Royal Oak Music Theater, with a fabulous opening by Lewis Black. The show was filmed for a National TV special, and as per usual, Kathleen was fantastic! She may be from St. Louis, but she loves Detroit and (despite protestations from the producers in California) that’s why she chose this town for the taping. I was thrilled and humbled when she asked me to stand up and thanked me for “helping her career” by having her on my morning show so many times. (Of course it didn’t hurt that she always brought me cinnamon-raisin & salmon bagels!) As an added bonus, she invited Gail, Jackie and me back stage after the show to hang out with her and Lewis. Kudos to Mark Ridley for putting it all together…and make sure to look for the show when it airs! 

***** 

There’s new technology that allows college professors to track if their students are actually reading their textbooks.

- The old technology was called “a test”. 

- Professors’ had a feeling something was wrong when Grad students submitted thesis’s that were only 140 characters long. 

***** 

Weight Watchers is celebrating it’s 50th Anniversary. 

- They’re having a huge cake but no one is allowed to eat it. 

*****

Researchers at Britain’s University of Bradford claim they’ve discovered a topical treatment that reverses gray hair back to it’s original color. 

- Aging blonds everywhere are terrified. 

- They’re publishing the results in a report called “Getting Rid of Fifty Shades of Gray”. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan reportedly took 270 outfits to her 90-day rehab. 

- Can you blame her? Imagine the embarrassment if another woman wore the same dress to dinner in the locked down cafeteria! 

- All 270 of the outfits are white because they hide that pesky Cocaine residue so much better than darker colors. 

***** 

Lilo also told Piers Morgan that instead of going to rehab again, it would do her more good to send her overseas and let her work with children. 

- Lindsay loves kids and says they make excellent drug mules. 

***** 

Have a great “Seis de Mayo” and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #78: "Tom's Excellent (Air-Conditioned) Adventure!"

Welcome to the first weekend of May and a brand new Podcast (#78). Today Jackie and I welcome my long time on-air partner Tom Ryan back to the table (This makes two weeks in a row!) for a Podcasting Potpourri of Entertainment. 

I may not be a genius, but I reveal some little known facts about Albert Einstein. (I’ll betcha didn’t know he was a chick magnet!). And speaking of people who are never gonna make it onto MENSA’s short list, we share some stories about our (many) former Radio Program Directors. I’ll explain how the “10 Second Rule” works in Radio and how I bucked the system (and risked losing my job at WKNR and some of my other multitude of Radio Stations) by refusing to follow it.

I also tell you the true story of a Program Director who burst into the studio while a jock was on the air, demanding to know why he was playing a certain song that he felt didn’t match the weather outside!

And while we’re on the topic of weather, Tom shares a bunch of “Goofy” stories about his recent trip to Disney World. Turns out he doesn’t mind that it’s a “Small World Afterall” — but he did everything but give Donald Duck his pants, in exchange for some air-conditioning and a place to sit down.  

Plus, a story about Jackie, Morey Amsterdam (from the Dick Van Dyke Show) and The Seven Dwarfs that will give you a new appreciation for Snow White. 

We’re also interrupted by our standard “Podcast Phone Call”, discuss the alarming number of wheelchairs on the jetway after a flight back from Florida, and in our “High-Tech” segment, I’ll tell you why I won’t give up my 6-year-old flip phone for an iAnything! 

So sit back, relax, and join us for a trip through the Magic Kingdom that is Podcast #78!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #78 (30:41)

Guess What Ahnold? This Time, SHE's Baack!!!

NBC has rehired Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ex, Maria Shriver, as a news anchor. 

- They were going to hire her as an investigative reporter until they remembered that it took her ten years to figure out that while her maid was doing the windows, her husband was doing the maid. 

***** 

Bobby Ferguson is in hot water again…this time with his wife Marilyn. She’s hit him with a suit for unpaid child support and claims that their 15-year-old son is living on public assistance. 

- So Bobby’s son is just like Kwame…He lived on public assistance too, it’s just that the public didn’t know they were “assisting” him.

- Ferguson said he’d be happy to pay, as soon as he remembers where he hid the millions of dollars he denies having. 

***** 

Health advocates are worried about the dangers of Wrigley’s new caffeinated gum. 

- They’re afraid if teenage girls talk any faster than they do now, they’re heads will explode. 

- I can’t wait til someone comes out with Decaf gum…oh wait, that’s all the other gum in the world. 

***** 

Sylvester Stallone is working on a Broadway musical version of his movie Rocky. 

- In the stage version, instead of running towards the ring, Rocky’s girlfriend Adrian tap-dances thru the crowd while he sings “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”. 

- They were gonna turn “Rambo” into a musical, but it was too hard for actors to sing and dance while holding AK-47’s. 

***** 

A new study shows that gardening can actually burn calories and keep you fit. 

- So apparently Kirstie Alley wasn’t born with a green thumb. 

*****

During a speech about rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy yesterday, NJ Gov. Christie told parents to cover their kids ears, then shouted “Bu——it” into the microphone. 

- Let’s face it, everything that comes out of politicians’ mouths is “Bu——it”!

***** 

White rapper Vanilla Ice is in a reality show where he joins an Amish community. 

- The Amish Elders are upset saying network execs are putting the horse before the cart. 

- On the show, he’s known as Jedadiah Vanilla Iceth. 

- What’s next? The Real Housewives of Appalachia? 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with an ALL NEW Podcast (#78)! And due to semi-popular demand, Tom Ryan is back with stories about his recent and memorable trip to Disney World! 

-Dick

It's Uno de Mayo!

Well it’s finally here! After what has to be one of the longest winters and most definitely sluggish Springs on record, we’ve finally reached MAY! Does this mean the snow is gone for good? Of course not! This is Michigan! But if you’ve been debating whether or not to bring out the old black socks and sandals…debate no more!

 

I think my old friend Charlie Krutsch celebrated it best when he said, “Hurray! Hurray! It’s the 1st of May! Outdoor Scr—wing Starts Today!”

 

*****

Kwame’s Mommy & former US Congresswoman Carolyn “Cheeks” Kilpatrick, is currently serving on an independant committee looking into extra-terrestrial alien life. She, along with a few other former Congresspeople, are attending a 5-day conference, and for this, each are being paid $20,000. Cheeks says that “I’ve always been interested in extra-terrestrial life”. 

- It must be true since she gave birth to an alien. 

*****

Inmates across the country have been giving Prison reviews on Yelp.com. Yelp is a site where people usually write reviews of restaurants and hotels.

- “Yelp” is also the most frequently heard word in prison showers. 

- Hotels are rated 1 to 5, Prisons from 20 to life. 

*****

While were on the topic of reviews…Texas authorites are investigating a website called eecie.net that allows users to rate the services of prostitutes. 

- The site was created after Hookers put up a site that rated their clients, and most of them said, “Not everything is bigger in Texas!”

*****

A new report says that 57% of companies are giving employees the option of working from home. 

- The practice is otherwise known as “Firing people”. 

- Drive-thru fast food restaurant employees have the option - but they have to have really long arms. 

*****

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Hey...I'm Gay!

In an article for Sport Illustrated, former Wizards and Celtics center Jason Collins came out as the first openly gay NBA player. 

- So now we know there’s one less NBA star trying to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record. 

- Looks like Dennis Rodman’s wedding gown may get another go down the aisle! 

*****

Collins explained sexual orientation by saying that while some people are born knowing they’re gay, others need “more time to cook”, and he “baked for 33 years”. 

- This explains why the Pillsbury Dough Boy has never had a girlfriend. 

***** 

LaToya Jackson claims she can hear her late brother Michael’s ghost, tap-dancing in the family home.  

- LaToya added that she actually saw the ghost and that he looked “Just like Casper, but with interchangable noses”.  

- Michael did spend years tap-dancing in that home…around charges that he was inappropriate with kids. 

***** 

Tom Brokaw says he didn’t go to the White House Correspondent’s Dinner this year, because Lindsay Lohan showed up last year and it ruined it for him. 

- Actually, what Lindsay ruined was his suit when she threw-up on it. 

***** 

A company called HommeMystere had created a line of women’s style lingerie that can be worn by men. 

- It will be sold at a new store called “Victor’s Secret”. 

- Anthony Weiner has already bought several thongs to make the pictures he tweets of his privates just a tad more provocative.

***** 

Saudi Arabia has deported three men for being “too handsome”.

- Their names? Larry, Curly & Moe-hammed.

*****

A Wisconsin woman called 911 after seeing two kittens having sex in her backyard.

- Meanwhile her husband was busy filming it on his iPhone and posting it on YouTube. 

- It’s not like it was kinky or anything…they stuck to the Mewsionarry position. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget new Podcast (#77) with guest Tom Ryan is up for your listening pleasure on the homepage. 

-Dick 

Couch Potatoes Get "Fries With That" Without Leaving Home!

McDonald’s may soon offer home delivery nationwide. 

- Hollywood is already casting a movie about it called “Grease”. 

- Of course this means we may never see Michael Moore in public again. 

***** 

Visa reports that prom night will cost an average of $1,139 this year, up 5% from last year. 

- The kids spend a thousand of that on dresses, tuxes and limos…and the other $139 on pregnancy tests about a month from now. 

*****

Despite Presidents of both parties trying for decades to eliminate the Federal Helium Progarm, the House vote 394 to 1 on Friday to keep it. 

- President Clinton was the execption. He wanted to keep the Helium, but vowed he didn’t inhale. 

- I didn’t realize the Chucky E. Cheese Birthday Lobby was so powerful. 

***** 

Dave Gold, the founder of the 99 Cents Only store chain, has died at the age of 80.

- He would have made it, if only the doctors hadn’t used the 99-cent Defribrulator they’d bought at one of his stores. 

- He asked to be creamated and put on the mantle in his favorite fake plastic Chinese Ming Vase. 

*****

German researchers report that some women are using so much Botox, their bodies are developing antibodies against it, and it’s no longer working.  

- Pamela Anderson was reportedly stunned by the news. Of course you couldn’t tell…but she said she was stunned. 

***** 

To prepare for their upcoming world tour, the Rolling Stones played a surpise gig at a small club in LA on Saturday. 

- Apparently “Small Club” is the new term for “Nursing Home”. 

- These days, Mick and Keith’s idea of “Satisfaction” is when their Fiber One kicks in. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget…Kathleen Madigan tapes her hour-long National Comedy TV Special this Saturday night at the Royal Oak Music Theater! Shows @ 7 & 9:30. Tix start at $35 dollars and are available by clicking on romtlive.com. Hope to see you there! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #77: "We're Back, And Oooooh...That's (Count) Scary!"

Well it finally happened…

No, they didn’t find Jimmy Hoffa. 

No, Kim Jong Un didn’t “unfriend” Dennis Rodman on Facebook. 

And no, I have not been offered a spot on the next season of “Dancing With The Stars”…

But…I am back from a six-week Spring Break with a BRAND SPANKIN’ NEW PODCAST! (#77). And what better way to kick off a “New Season” than with my long-time radio partner and current special guest, Tom Ryan. (Admit it, you’re doing a Sgt. Sacto Double-Pumper right now…) Today Tom, Jackie and I sit down to tackle some of today’s most talked about issues like, is that orange fish pronounced “Salmon” with an “L” or “Samon”. Edgy stuff, I know. 

We also “Pontificate”, if you will, on how germaphobia and gluten allergies have affected the Catholic Church. (You can’t make this stuff up…)

Tom and I also take a trip down memory lane - (and I mean a very fast trip) - involving my driving technique in the Windsor Tunnel back when we used to ride over to Canada together during our CKLW days. And the time a prank by two of my daughters could have landed Mr. Ryan and me in big-time trouble with Canadian Immigration. 

And being the fashion-forward guys that we are, we discuss our (failed) attempts to emulate all “cool guys” by altering our shaving routines, and debunk the common belief about what colors are best to wear to deflect the summer sun. (That’s, of course, assuming that we ever actually SEE the summer sun this year). 

Plus…the three of us reveal the vehicles that none of us will park next to, and more importantly - WHY? 

Spring Break may be over, but I invite you to join us for a “Senior Trip” (not counting Jackie who is 27!!!) in Podcast #77. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #77

My Son-In-Law Brad & My 15-Month-Old Grandson Brayden Off To Work...

It’s National “Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day”! 

- It’s a great opportunity for the Octomom’s 14 kids to learn their way around an Adult Film set! 

*****

It’s also a rather historic day, as all five living Presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. 

- Bill Clinton said he’s excited to attend…because he’s got a thing for chicks dressed up as Librarians. 

- In the spirit of bi-partisanship, Bush added a whole extra wing to the library just to hold a copy of Obamacare. 

***** 

Al Qaeda has a magazine that trains people how to make bombs.

- It’s called “Jihad For Dummies”.  

- It’s kind of like Playboy…but with a different kind of “bombshell”. 

***** 

The French parliament voted to allow gay marriage and to let gay couples adopt children, which sparked violent protest riots in Paris. 

- Apparently they don’t want anyone named June marrying “April in Paris”. 

- I’m surprised they protested…the French usually just surrender. 

***** 

New York mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner admitted to reporters that there might be other embarrasing photos of him out there that haven’t surfaced yet. 

- And if they’re aren’t…he’s more than willing to take some more with his cell phone. 

***** 

A scientist claims it would have been physically impossible for Fred Flintstone to stop his car with his feet. 

- He did commend him however for using fossil fuels, and added that it was perfectly plausible that Fred had a talking purple dinosaur named “Dino”.

***** 

Virgin Airlines has launched a new service that lets passengers flirt with other passengers by sending a drink or snack to their seat, followed up with a text message. 

- Nothing says “I think your hot” like a $7 mini-can of Pringles.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an ALL NEW PODCAST with special guest Tom Ryan!  (Honest…Seriously…I mean it this time!) 

-Dick

Stranger Things Have Happened...

The Tigers are bringing back Jose Valverde. After falling apart at the end of last season, he’s been looking sharp in the minors and is headed back to the D. They say his speed and his change-up pitches are back.

And speaking of change-ups… If Chastity Bono can become Chaz Bono - why can’t Valverde become Verlander?   

BTW… Chaz is showing off a svelte new figure. He announced that the former She had dropped a whopping 60 pounds, going from 250 to 190. 

- He attributes the loss to healthy eating and a dramatic reduction in PMS cravings for ice cream and chocolate. 

***** 

All charges have been dropped against the Elvis Impersonator who was accused of sending poisonous ricin-laced letters to Politicians in D.C. 

- The FBI should have known it wasn’t him from the beginning because none of the letters were marked “Return to Sender”.  

***** 

TV Guide ran a poll asking “What’s the best TV theme song of all time?” The winner? The theme from “Cheers”. 

- The theme from “The Jefferson’s” started out strong, but then it quit “Movin’ On Up” the list. 

***** 

North Korea is reportedly training 11-year-old-soldiers for their army. 

- So now Kim Jong Un not only has children to command, but also to have playdates with! 

***** 

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr were seen having dinner together last Sunday in Beverly Hills. 

- They reportedly got into an argument, but luckily Yoko Ono was there to break it up. 

- Their waiter lamented that in lieu of a tip, “All I’ve got is a photograph”. 

***** 

Some toddlers in England have become so addicted to their iPads that they need therapy. 

- Remember the good old days when you got excited when your toddler said “iPoop”?

- Luckily, there are therapists available online 24/7. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! Plus an all-new Podcast Friday - Honest!!!!!

-Dick

"But I Don't Understand...I Thought You Were Happy?!"

A new study found that men really have a hard time reading women’s emotions. 

- D’oh! I mean Duh!

 *****

The latest hipster parenting movement is “going diaper-free”: Instead of putting diaper on babies, parents look for signals that they’re about to go and rush them to a bathroom.

- “Signals” include warm liquid running down the parents leg.  

- So basically they don’t believe in Pampering their kids. 

 *****

President Obama offered to wash the cars of U.S. Senators if they pass the immigration bill. 

- Then once it’s passed, all the immigrants will wash the Senator’s cars… just like they do now.

- The Senators said they’d consider it, but only if Obama wears a bikini.

***** 

4 in 10 Americans say obese people should have to buy an extra airline seat and should be weighed at the airport. 

- Which basically means that 6 in10 Americans are obese. 

- In a related story, 9 out of 10 Americans believe Linsday Lohan should be charged extra for all of her emotional baggage. 

***** 

New York mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner has opened a new Twitter account. 

- Hot dog!!!

***** 

Last week Kim Karsashian and Kris Humpries officially divorced. 

- Finally our long national nightmare is over. 

- Humphries didn’t get a dime in the settlement but got something much more valuable - He’s no longer related to the Kardashians. 

***** 

Have a great day, and thank you all for your kind wishes to my daughter JoAnne on her birthday yesterday!

P.S. NEW PODCAST FRIDAY…GUARANTEED! 

-Dick 

You Can't Spell "Comedy" Without A "K" As In "Kathleen"!

The Great Kathleen Madigan is coming to town on Saturday, May 4th, to record her upcoming TV comedy special at the Royal Oak Music Theater! I’ll be there and you can too… Shows at 7pm and 9:30! Produced by The Comedy Castle’s own Mark Ridley! For tix… click on Kathleen Madigan.

*****

Pope Francis has decided not to give bonuses to the Vatican staff that usually come with the election of a new Pope. 

- So that white smoke you see is coming out of the Cardinals ears instead of the chimney. 

- How are all the Father’s gonna afford their kids Christmas presents without a bonus? No, wait…

*****

Details of Kim Jong Un’s childhood will allegedly be revealed by his father’s former chef. 

- Turns out during potty training Un could never hit the Cherrio in the toilet bowl…which explains his pre-occupation with hitting American targets with missiles. 

***** 

Carnival Cruise Line has announced that it’s spending $300 Million in improvements to it’s ships. 

- The upgrades will begin as soon as they get all of the ships towed back to port. 

***** 

McDonalds in Japan is offering a “potato basket” to hold your fries next to the sterring wheel so you can eat them while you drive. 

- It replaces the earlier version of the fry holder known as “your knees”. 

***** 

Bus drivers in Marseille, France, are threatening to go on strike because the pants they have to wear are too tight. 

- And bus riders in Marsaille, France, are threatening to boycott buses because the bus drivers pants are so tight they can see their Eiffel Towers. 

- They could kill two birds with one stone by just having the bus drivers trade pants with the plumbers. 

***** 

A consumer group projects that by 2019 airlines will be losing 70 million pieces of luggage a year. 

- This explains their new “$50-We-Won’t-Lose-Your-Luggage-Fee”. 

*****

Before I wish you a great day…and Daughter #4, JoAnne, a great Birthday… just wanted to apologize for the much-promised brand new Podcast NOT going up this weekend. We actually recorded it - but due to a technical snafu (amazingly NOT my fault) it’s lost somewhere in cyber space. New one FOR SURE (I pinky swear) up this Friday! Thanks for your patience!

-Dick 

Kim Jong Goes Un-derground???

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has not made a public appearance in over 2 weeks. 

- Apparently he ran out of things to point at.   

*****

In a related story…Dennis Rodman has confirmed that he will be heading back to North Korea in August. 

- If there still is a North Korea! 

***** 

A 6-year-old boy here in Michigan ran into a sign after taking his dad’s car to go look for Chinese food at 7:30 IN THE MORNING. 

- As punishment his father took away two of his video games…one from Column A and one from Column B. 

- The kid ended up making himself Moo Goo Gai Pan-Cakes for breakfast. 

- With a side of Almond Boneless Bacon. 

***** 

A woman in Russia has given birth to a child in a car for the third time.  

- And for the third time, she gave birth in the very same car in which the child was conceived. 

*****

Now that Disney has purchased the Star Wars franchise from George Lucas, starting in 2015 they plan on releasing a sequel every summer. 

- So look for all the Storm Troopers to be wearing glass slippers…and Darth Vader to reappear in a sparkly dress and announce, “Luke…I am your Fairy Godmother!”

***** 

A French company is marketing a fork for dieters that vibrates to tell you when you’re eating too fast. 

- So now you know what to do when your eating and come to a vibrating fork in the road. 

***** 

Playboy has a new app that allows you to access only the articles on your Smartphone. 

- We’ll let you know how it goes over, as soon as somebody actually downloads the app. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with an all new Podcast - featuring special guest Tom Ryan! He’ll share stories about his recent and rather eventful trip to Disneyworld! 

-Dick