A man fishing for lobster survived a harrowing ordeal last week when he was swallowed by a Whale and spent 45 seconds in the creatures mouth before being spit back into the sea.

- (Pic courtesy of yours truly on my recent trip to Alaska as the Whale was making it’s get away before the cops arrived. They eventually took the suspect, identified as a “Mr. M. Dick” into custody.

*****

Scientists are tracking a new animal-born virus in eastern China that has infected at least several dozen people. The novel Langya Henipavirus (LayV) was found in 35 patients in the Shandong province and researchers say it appears to have “Originated in Shrews”.

- As a result, Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg will be put in Isolation until the danger has passed.

*****

A new study suggests that spiders actually sleep just like humans.

- And when they have trouble sleeping, they do what we do… they stay up surfing the web.

*****

Tuesday, The Fargo, North Dakota Board of Education voted to stop reciting the Pledge of Allegiance before board meetings saying it ”doesn’t ring true” for all Americans and will open future meetings with something EVERYONE can relate to.

- So henceforth the meetings with start with, “You put your right foot in… you take you right foot out… you put your right foot in… and your shake it all about…”

*****

Baseball fans booed Dr. Fauci as he threw out the first pitch in a Seattle Mariners game Tuesday night.

- His pitch wasn’t that bad… but the fans got mad when he yelled at the catcher for only wearing one mask… and that it had holes in it.

*****

A new study reveals that switching out salt for another seasoning can add years to your life.

- That’s why I start each day with a pinch of Mrs. Dash. Of course Mr. Dash isn’t too thrilled about it… but hey.

*****

Nancy Pelosi says she brought her adult son “Paul Jr.” with her on her trip to Asia as her “Escort” after her husband Paul Sr. bowed out following his DUI charge.

- It’s a nice change. When Prez Biden’s son Hunter goes overseas… he goes to MEET Escorts… Nancy’s Son went overseas to BE one.

*****

An argument between a brother and sister let to a a massive brawl involving 20 family members during a funeral for an elderly woman in Virginia… that ended with damaged headstones, a flooded grave and the man in jail for trying to run over his sister with his car.

- Well you know what they say… Everybody grieves in their own way.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The FBI conducted a pre-dawn raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate as part of an investigation into whether he took classified records from the White House to his Florida house.

- This reminds me of the time the FBI did the EXACT SAME THING TO ME when I was late in returning to my local library a copy of “Disc Jockeying for Dummies”.

*****

Trump's Secret Service agents were not allowed to watch the FBI agents carry out the raid - which took 9 hours - and even included agents rifling through Melania's wardrobe.

- Did they really think they’d find Donald’s paper’s there?? I don’t think Melania’s let Donald into her Drawers in a long time.

*****

Hillary Clinton is fundraising off the Trump raid… selling baseball caps on her website that read: “But her emails” which critics say is a “cheap shot”.

- When asked if he thought it was a cheap shot, Bill said, “I guess that depends on what your definition of ‘Is’ is”

*****

Researchers in London have released a list of the “10 Best Songs to Play in the Car if Your Dog Gets Stressed Out on Road Trips”… including “Desperado” by the Eagles” and “I Want to Know What Love Is” by Foreigner”. But the #1 Song to play to relax Rover is… “How Deep is Your Love” by The Bee Gees.

- What... No "Puppy Love" by Paul Anka??

- They found that playing “The Bitch is Back” by Elton John tends to upset dogs… especially the girl ones.

*****

Democrats claim that the 87,000 NEW IRS AGENTS they’re planning to hire with funds from the recently passed “Inflation Reduction Act” WON’T lead to more Audits of everyday Americans... but will instead mean more agents will be available to answer your questions.

- Questions like: Why am I being Audited??

*****

A new study reveals that just three grams of fresh salmon can significantly reduce high blood pressure.

- Not for the Salmon.

*****

RIP… Olivia Newton John… who co-starred with John Travolta in the movie “Grease” and the singer of many hits including, “You’re the One That I Want”, “Have You Never Been Mellow”, “Summer Nights”, “I Honestly Love You”, and “Hopelessly Devoted to You” has died at the age of 73 after a 30 year battle with Breast Cancer.

Also, RIP… author David McCullough who died at age 89.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A 75-year-old nudist was arrested in Lyon, France over the weekend for allegedly attacking a 46-year-old man on a nudist beach. Reason: He broke “Breaking Nudist Beach Protocol”.

- There’s “Nudist Beach Protocol”?? (Asking for a friend…)

*****

A shoplifter WEARING AN ANKLE MONITOR was caught on a security camera filling a bag with bottles of liquor at a Target store in Chicago while staff stood by and did nothing.

- Wait… They sell booze at Target?

*****

Velveeta is now selling a Velveeta Mac and Cheese Martini.

- Yum.

- But there’s a catch… It’s cost 5 bucks and you have to pay for it in Kraft American Singles.

*****

The Wall Street Journal reports that more and more people are taking yoga classes that involve smoking pot.

- I've seen the poses they make you do in Yoga... and frankly, I'd have to smoke more joints than Willie Nelson to get my joints to bend like that.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested after she was spotted wandering the parking lot of a supermarket highly intoxicated with a pitchfork in one hand and a black whip in the other.

- Is it just me or does that sound like the opening scene of a Lifetime movie??

*****

Charles Manson's self-proclaimed grandson has produced a birth certificate 'proving' he's the sole heir to Manson’s estate meaning he could inherit his Grandfather’s possissions which could be worth $$$.

- I mean sure… it’s not the same as going fishing or killing people with Grandpa… but it’s something.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National "Take Your Pants For a Walk Day"... TIP: Remember to PUT THEM ON FIRST.

*****

President Biden tested negative for COVID this morning and says he’s now “Back to his normal routine”.

This is good news… right??

*****

“Leave It to Beaver” star Tony Dow’s death was prematurely announced on Tuesday after his wife mistakenly notified the actor’s management team that he had died.

- When the poor guy's time finally does come, I hope they go with an Open Casket... just to be sure.

*****

Researchers at the University of Texas have reportedly developed a mattress that can trick you into falling asleep.

- It comes in King, Queen, Twin and the special “Bill Cosby” model.

*****

Over half of Americans say they feel “Scared and in imminent danger” at least once a day.

- I know I do every time I mistakenly turn on “The View”.

*****

A California ice cream shop owner says he’s “not surprised” after thieves ravaged his business and stole an ATM.

- He’s not surprised because it's part of California's "Soft-Serve on Crime Policy".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Mick Jagger who is 79 today!

- Mick said he’s “feeling great” but was a little upset when his cardiologist suggested he might want to take “Time Is On My Side” out of his Concert play list.

*****

Taiwan held widespread air raid drills on Monday as China doubled down on warnings to the U.S. against allowing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to visit the island.

- But experts say if anyone gets bombed when the Pelosi's visit Taiwan... Chances are it's gonna be Nancy's husband Paul.

*****

A survey of 2,000 U.S. adults finds that more than half love food so much they would marry their favorite food if it was a person.

- If that was true, I'd be married to either a Cheeto or a Dark Chocolate Raisinette.

*****

Elizabeth Warren is demanding that federal regulators do something to hold Airlines accountable for surging ticket prices, mounting cancellations and growing delays at the nations airports.

- Liz is really beatin’ the old war drum on this one, isn’t she?

*****

Developers are trying to install casinos throughout New York City.

- Of course that's in addition to the largest "Game of Chance" already IN NYC: The Subway System.

*****

Martha Stewart's pet Peacock was eaten by Coyotes at her Connecticut home.

- On a bright note... she had the Coyote put down and made it into a charming (and colorful!) Refrigerator Magnets!

*****

RIP… Paul Sorvino… The father of Mira Sorvino and the actor who starred in the TV series “Law & Order” and the Movies “Nixon”, “Dick Tracy” and “Goodfellas”, has died of natural causes at the age of 83.

****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Alec Baldwin… who is expecting his 7th Child with his wife Hilaria (and his 8th total) says he has “so many kids” because being a parent is “The Ultimate Journey”.

- Well, that… and - like with guns - Alec has a hard time distinguishing between “blanks” and “live ammo”.

*****

Amazon is getting into the Medical Business…. On Thursday, the company is expected to announce a $3.9 BILLION deal that will give them a “Physical network” of medical offices and doctors.

- This will be great! All those Amazon Prime trucks you see in your neighborhood can deliver your toilet paper and give you a colonoscopy at the same time!!

*****

Prince Harry is reported to have completed his autobiography and it’s expected to be out just in time for the Holidays.

- So if your looking for the perfect Christmas Gift for the Queen….. KEEP LOOKING!

*****

Despite reports that Elon Musk had an affair with Google co-founder Sergey Brin’s wife last December, Elon posted a pic of he and Sergey partying together LAST NIGHT to prove that it’s not true and that they’re still good friends. Elon added that he "Hasn't even had sex in ages (sigh)".

- Then he jumped in his Rocket Ship and left town.

*****

A survey found that over 85% of Americans experienced temperatures ABOVE 90 degrees this week.

- Luckily, here in Michigan we have an antidote for this kind of extreme weather… its called WINTER.

*****

A study by Oxford University revealed that chewing gum can sharpen your mental state.

- They say the conclusion was the result of a Double-Blind, Double-Bubble Study.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Tom Cruise is now Hollywood's highest paid actor making more than $100M for Top Gun: Maverick. Will Smith came in 2nd with $35 MIL for his upcoming film “Emancipation”.

- Well that’s a real slap in the face to all the other hard working actors.

*****

Disney says that in order to be “more inclusive”… "Fairy Godmothers in Training" will now be called “Fairy Godmother’s Apprentices” instead. “This way cast members who might not identify as female can still dress up as a female Disney character."

- As they say at Disney these days… “If it looks like a Duck, and it walks like a Duck… it’s probably a Guy in a Dress”.

*****

A new study finds that 4 out of 10 British adults brush their teeth just once a week.

- No wonder the Royal Family waves all the time. Nobody wants to go in close enough for a hug.

*****

A Giraffe in a National Park in Nairobi, Kenya has given birth to twins… a rarity in the Giraffe community.

- Even more rare… the twins were almost born AT THE SAME TIME… with the doctor saying they were “Neck and Neck” right up until the last minute when one of them pulled ahead.

*****

New York Governor Kathy Hochul is ordering state agencies to beef up monitoring of sharks following a series of “Jaws”-like attacks off Long Island.

- Why don’t they just send “Social Workers” to talk to the sharks?? I thought that was how “Woke” people like to handle “violent offenders” these days.

*****

The U.S. House of Representatives agreed to pay $96,000 of taxpayer money to provide its staff access to the meditation app “Calm”… citing the trauma of the January 6th assault on the U.S. Capitol.

- How about they pay for TAXPAYERS to get the app for the trauma of paying $5 bucks for a gallon of gas??

*****

A new report claims Rapper Lil Uzi Vert has changed his pronouns to "They" and "Them."

- Well good for They!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Pics of a rather pasty, shirtless Elon Musk vacationing on board a yacht in Mykonos, Greece have gone viral.

- The RICHEST man in the world also looks to be the WHITEST man in the world… He looks like the Poster Boy for what some people refer to as “WHITE Privilege”.

*****

A heatwave continues to sweep across much of Europe… affecting millions of homes and businesses most of which have no AC.

- For a minute I thought that read No “AOC” and I thought… “Lucky Europe!”

*****

Temps soared over 100 degrees in England yesterday causing an Airport Runway to buckle.

- Experts say they haven’t seen a Runway give way like that since Micheal Moore modeled for “Harry’s Big and Tall” Spring Fashion Show.

*****

Brad Pitt raised eyebrows at the premiere of his new action movie “Bullet” in Berlin, Germany when he showed up wearing a brown SKIRT and matching jacket.

- I guess Brad finally figured out what WE already knew… Angelina definitely wore the pants in that family.

*****

Kamala Harris' speech writer has resigned after just four months on the job.

- Wait… Kamala has a SPEECH WRITER???

- Talk about a Tiny pair of shoes to fill!

*****

The band Limp Bizkit has cancelled its European tour over the lead singer's “personal health issues”.

- They didn’t mention what those “personal health issues” were… but with the name “Limp Bizkit”… there are a few things that come to mind.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Big night last night! Went to see Elton John at Comerica Park… What a concert! Elton was in great voice and the band was incredible - although I’ll admit I did miss the Duck Suit Elton wore the first time I saw him at Olympia Stadium back in the early 70’s when my wife Gail and I took our two oldest daughters, Jennifer and Jackie who were 9 and 7 at the time to the show. (Then again, I think I wore a leisure suit to that concert which made me look more bizarre than the Duck onstage singing and playing the piano).

Last night, we had great seats courtesy of daughter #4 JoAnne who got them for us through her radio station 104.3 WOMC (Boy that rings a bell) where she does the morning show with JJ Johnson every morning from 6 to 11.

The show kicked off with “Benny & The Jett’s and included a ton of hits including one of my all time favorites, “Don’t Let the Son Go Down On Me”. The reason that song resonates with me is that I used to sign off with it at the end of my Salvation Army Radiothon every year.

It always reminds me of the late, great Gene Taylor and Doc Andrews and I thought of both of them last night as I listened to Elton sing it. But… in the interest of full disclosure… I’ll admit I listened in the walkway… as my wife Donna (Gail died in 2018 and I remarried 2 years ago) and I were trying to make it to the car in time to beat the traffic!!

And we did!! We got home by 11pm. So imagine my “delight” when the SMOKE DETECTOR WENT OFF at 1AM… FOR OVER AN HOUR.

There was no smoke… no fire that we could see… but we called the Firefighters, they came, checked everything out and determined that we had a bad battery in one of the detectors that was making them ALL go off.

Being the “Mr. Fix It” kind of guy that I am, I thanked them… put the faulty detector out on the front porch so if it set the other detectors off again WE WOULDN’T HEAR IT… and went back to sleep about 3am.

All in all… (except for the smoke detector part) it was a great night!

And hopefully, this afternoon… I’ll take a great nap!

And speaking of great… Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Rumor has it Hugh Grant has signed on to play Prince Andrew in a new film about the disgraced Royal.

- Remember when Hugh was caught by the LAPD with that Hooker “Divine Brown” back in the 90’s… maybe he was just “doing research” for the role??

*****

Harry and Meghan are in NYC today for a UN tribute to Nelson Mandela where Harry will speak to the delegates on Climate Change and Poverty.

- I don’t know what he knows about Nelson Mandela and Climate Change… but I’m pretty sure you could find someone a little better acquainted with Poverty, than Harry.

*****

A 27 year old Transgender female inmate is being moved to the Men’s prison after SHE IMPREGNATED TWO OF HER FELLOW FEMALE INMATES AT THE WOMEN’S JAIL.

- Before her transfer to the Men’s prison, she won the “Multitasker of the Year” award.

*****

They did it! J Lo and Ben finally tied the knot in a surprise wedding at the famed Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas over the weekend! It’s the 2nd marriage for Ben… and the 4th for J-Lo.

- I guess it’s true what they say!… The Sixth time’s the charm.

- They must have been SOOOO nervous for the wedding night!

*****

"90 Day Fiancé" star Larissa Lima claims a botched tummy tuck procedure left her without a belly button.

- She says she plans to join the military where she can, “Pick up a new Belly Button at one of the Naval Bases”. (Ba da Boom!)

*****

The University of Pennsylvania has come under fire after they nominated Transgender College Swimmer Lia Thomas… who was BORN MALE AND COMPETED IN THE MEN’S DIVISION LAST YEAR… for this year’s NCAA “Woman OF the Year” award.

- Call me crazy… but isn’t Lia more suited for the “BEEN a WOMAN FOR a YEAR” Award???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Twitter went down this morning leaving people unable to Tweet, retweet or read other peoples Tweets more more than a half hour.

- It’s true… For an excruciating 40 MINUTES America had to wait for Harry & Meghan to weigh in on President Biden’s trip to the Middle East.

*****

BIG NEWS!!!! Images of a new group of Emojis that will be available later this year- including a pink heart, a jellyfish and a shaking face - have been released by the “Emoji Reference Website” Emojipedia.

- I thought “Emojipedia” was one of those new medicines you see advertised on TV. You know, the ones that make cause your tongue to swell but will have you dancing while you mow your front lawn.

*****

VP Harris dished up another serving of “Word Salad” during a speech about Jobs & Transportation this week saying, “'You need to get to go and need to be able to get where you need to go to do the work and go home”.

- Can you imagine if she was ever cast as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? She’ be like, “There’s no place like home… because home, being a place… the place where our home is… is the place where we most feel at home”.

*****

Kim Kardashian’s sister Khloe made comments on Social Media implying that Kim’s boyfriend Pete Davidson may have a “Foot Fetish”.

- I’m not a Rhodes Scholar like the Kardashian girls, but my money is on Pete being more of a Butt guy.

*****

A new study found that Viruses like COVID can survive on meat and fish stored in your freezer for up to 30 days… and then infect you even after you cook it.

- Great. Now they’re gonna tell us we have to start putting Masks on all our frozen meat.

- Can we Vaccinate our hamburgers instead??

*****

According to researchers from the University of Sydney, exercise alone won’t compensate for a diet filled with fatty foods.

- The way I look at it you have two choices: Give up fast food… or give up reading depressing studies.

*****

Botched robberies led to shots being fired at six different 7-Eleven stores in California during one day last week.

- But the good news is… Alec Baldwin wasn’t involved in ANY of them. (As far as we know…)

*****

A trailer filled with 40,000 pounds of potato chips caught on fire in Florida.

- Firefighters said the chips started out as “Sour Cream ‘n Onion” but ended up as “BBQ”.

*****

Now the Church of England is going “Woke” by refusing to offer up a definition of a “woman,” arguing that RECENT DEVELOPMENTS required “additional care” when attempting to define the word.

- Where’s Helen Reddy with her “I Am Woman” song when we need her?? Unfortunately she passed away back in 2020.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Time Mag has named Detroit as one of the World’s 50 Greatest Destinations of 2022… saying “The story of Detroit’s resilient people…rich heritage of design, innovation and diversity” ensured it made the list.

- There was an * though… “Detroit: One of the World’s 50 Greatest Destinations… Unless You Want to See the Home Team Win At Ford Field”.

*****

A Hispanic journalist group issued a statement calling out First Lady Jill Biden after she said Latinos were as unique as “Breakfast Tacos”.

- With that gaffe, when if comes to public speaking it appears “Dr. Jill” is Nacho average First Lady.

*****

New numbers out this morning show Inflation rose 9.1 percent in June - the highest it’s been in 40 Years.

- It may be time for Joe to start handing out “Make Inflation Great Again!” Baseball Caps.

*****

Hollywood heartthrob Bradley Cooper is reportedly dating Hillary Clinton’s former assistant/Anthony Weiner’s soon to be ex-wife Huma Abedin.

- Wow. She’s gone from “Carlos Danger” to Bradley Cooper. That’s like trading in a used Pinto for a Mercedes Convertible.

*****

TV viewers in NYC have been treated to a new 90 second TV ad instructing them what to do in the event of a nuclear attack.

- Some found it “Terrifying”… but on a bright note - it’s sad but true - that if you live in New York City chances are a criminal is gonna take you out long before a Nuke does!

*****

Medical researchers say we’re getting closer to the day when it will be commonplace for humans to get organ transplants from Pigs.

- More info as it becomes available… but for now, Th… Th…Th…That’s All Folks!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Thank you all so much for the kind Birthday wishes and comments yesterday! I had a great day celebrating with the family. I didn’t make it to 7-Eleven for my free Slurpee but I did make it to Chick fil A for a couple of of Grilled Chicken Sandwiches. They were delicious… but by the time I got through the line, I thought I was ANOTHER year older!

*****

It’s National Cow Appreciation Day! And if I know Cows… they’re gonna Milk this for all it’s worth.

*****

After Donald Trump publicly criticized Elon Musk for pulling out of the Twitter deal - calling him a “Bull**** artist”, Musk tweeted that he thinks its time for Trump to “Hang up his hat and sail into the Sunset”.

- Personally I think it’s time for all of US to Hang onto OUR hats… because this is about to get FUN!!

*****

A conservative nonprofit estimated that California has spent over $500 million on diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives, including spending nearly $50,000 on "Racial Equity" trainings for the state Fish and Wildlife Department.

- Well it’s about time they came to grips with “Whitefish Privilege”!

*****

A Brazilian influencer had to be wheeled through a Portuguese airport after she experienced “horrible pain” and was unable to walk because she was afraid to “break wind” in front of her boyfriend whom she was traveling with.

- Wasn’t it Bob Dylan who asked, “How many Airports… Must a Girl be Wheeled, Thru? Before She Can Be Honest With Her Man? The Answer My Friend… Is Blowin’ in the Wind. The Answer is Blowin’ in the Wind”.

*****

Police in a small town in Maine tracked down a Sheep who had escaped from a local farm, coaxed it into the backseat of their cruiser and gave it a ride home.

- All told, the Sheep was only on the Lam for about an hour. (Ba da Boom)

*****

The World Health Organization (WHO) is updating their guidance to “Recognize gender and sexual diversity” by saying “Sex is NOT LIMITED to being Male or Female”.

- Really?? It’s AMAZING!! Everyday we’re learning something new!!!

*****

This summer England celebrated the 50th Anniversary of its Lawn Mower Racing Championships.

- It’s just like Formula One Racing, except instead of wearing a fireproof suit and a helmet, all the drivers wear black socks, sandals, Bermuda shorts, and a “World’s Best Dad” T-Shirt.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hi! Jackie here! It’s 7/11 and that can only mean two things: Free Slurpees at 7-Eleven and more importantly… It’s MY DAD’S BIRTHDAY!!!!

On behalf of my sisters and myself… I want to wish Happy Birthday to the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most generous, loving and supportive man EVER!!! We are so blessed to have you as our Dad!!! Despite the fact that you’ve always said, “It took Mom 54 months to have you… and my part only took 6 minutes!!”… you will never know how much you mean to us and the incredibly positive impact you have on our lives each and everyday!!!

Thank you for being the best Dad… and the best friend… your daughters could ever ask for!!!!

We love you to the Moon and back!!! (Which is A TON considering the price of gas these days!!!!)

Have the best Birthday ever and we’ll see you later!!!

Love,

Your Girls.

(Jennifer, Jackie, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica & Julie (😇 from above!)

Happy Birthday to Rapper 50 Cent who is 47 today…

- Of course if you factor in inflation… he now goes by the name $1.75.

*****

WARNING: This story (actually - this picture - may be disturbing to some - not to mention RIDICULOUS - but it IS all over the internet and TV!)

A 28 year old Democrat STATE SENATOR FROM RHODE ISLAND named Tiara Mack posted a campaign video of herself TWERKING upside down in a bikini WHILE ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR HER FOR RE-ELECTION.

- We’ve gone from “The Shining City on the Hill” to “The Big Butt on the Beach”… Am I the only one who’s worried about where this country is headed??????

*****

As inflation continues to send prices up, some grocery stores have starting putting the same electronic security tags they use on expensive items like bottles of booze, on blocks of cheese as well… to fend off shoplifters.

- If you’re a fan of Velveeta like I am… you know this security move is looong overdue.

*****

First son Hunter Biden joined his father on the White House Balcony to watch the Fourth of July Fireworks Monday night.

- There was plenty of “Ooohing” and “Ahhing”… and that was even BEFORE Hunter’s Hooker showed up in her “Sexy Betsy Ross” Costume.

*****

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot gave a speech calling for an end to the “Toxicity in our public Discourse”… just days after she shouted “F*** Clarence Thomas!” in regard to the Supreme Court ruling on Roe v. Wade.

- Well, as they say, it’s a woman’s perrogative to change her mind! (Although who am I to say what a “Woman” is?? After all, I’m no Biologist…)

*****

Brad Pitt says he suffers from “Facial Blindness” - a rare genetic condition that makes it difficult for him to recognize people - even family members by their faces.

- Brad’s been married to Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. I’m no Doctor… but isn’t it ODD that someone who is “FACIALLY BLIND” only ends up married to BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE??? How come we don’t see him dating Rosie O’Donnell??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

I hope you had a great Independence Day weekend!

Meanwhile… a new poll found that two of three young adults in Gen Z ( 10 to 25 year olds) don’t know who America declared its independence from… with one in three thinking July 4th celebrates America’s Independence from NATIVE AMERICANS.

- HOW?? HOW could have we let this happen???

- Well that would explain why Elizabeth Warren looks so angry all the time.

*****

But wait… there’s more!!! 8% say on the 4th of July we celebrate our Freedom from… SOUTH AMERICA.

- See… Even MORE reasons to keep tearing down statues of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson!!!

*****

Hot Dog Eating phenom Joey "Jaws" Chestnut ate his way to a 15th win at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, NY yesterday, scarfing down 63 hot dogs and buns - in just 10 minutes.

- In a related story, I had two 99% Fat Free All White Meat Turkey Hot Dogs (Without buns- who needs the carbs??) at my daughter Jackie’s 4th of July BBQ yesterday - along with Baked Beans, Coleslaw, Chips & Guacamole in about 7 MINUTES. So there!

*****

A hero police officer helped deliver a baby in a gas station parking lot in Atlanta over the weekend. The mom and dad were rushing to the hospital when they realized they weren’t going to make it, got the cops’s attention and pulled their car into the lot.

- The baby weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces and the gas was $4.89 a gallon.

*****

86 year old Bette Nash of Boston has been named the World Longest-Serving Flight Attendant. She began as a “Stewardess” for Eastern Airlines in 1957 before becoming a flight attendant for American - a job she holds to this day.

- Bette says a lot has changed over the years… She says passengers used to dress up in nice clothes to fly… now fists fly and some passengers barely wear clothes.

*****

NASA’s administrator Bill Nelson says that China’s state owned Space Corporation, may be PLANNING A “TAKEOVER” OF THE MOON as part of its Military Space Program.

- “Houston… We have a problem”!!

*****

The Hotel Industry is reportedly so desperate for workers… they’re giving jobs to anyone who shows up for an interview - No experience needed… with one industry expert saying, “You can basically just walk in off the street and get a job”.

- This isn’t the first time Street Walkers have walked in off the street into a hotel and gotten work… and it won’t be the last.

*****

Happy Birthday to Huey Lewis who is 72 today!

He still “Wants a New Drug”… but these days, it’s Lipitor.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

From the Purtan Family to You and Yours… Have a Safe, Healthy and Happy 4th of July in what remains the Greatest country on Earth!

See you back here Tomorrow!

-Dick

Hillary Clinton - who went to Law School with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas - said he’s “Been a person of grievance for “as long as she’s known him” and that he’s been “full of anger and resentment his whole life”.

- Well it takes one to know one!

*****

A squirrel interrupted a Pittsburgh Pirates game the other night by running around the outfield.

- At first he looked like all the other players… just standing there rearranging his nuts.

*****

According to a new survey, 1 in 4 people don’t know that Caterpillars transform into Butterflies.

- Apparently most people assume Caterpillars just “Transform” into another Gender like everybody else is doing these days.

*****

According to a new study… tiny 8-legged mites could be having sex on your face while you’re asleep.

- Well that explains the teensy tiny little pair of black socks I found on my pillow this morning.

- I don’t care what they do as long as their quiet. I’m a light sleeper.

*****

Starting tomorrow - July 1st - Broadway Theaters are lifting their Mask mandates.

- It’s about time! If you want to see someone in a Mask you’re gonna have to go see Phantom of the Opera.

*****

Transgender ex-neo-Nazi bank robber, Donna Langan - who is serving life in prison for armed robbery - will get “Gender Surgeries' fast-tracked by the Texas Bureau of Prisons after filing a lawsuit against the agency over delays.

- I don’t care who she is… or who she used to be… she sounds like my kinda gal.

*****

Nancy Pelosi and her husband Paul met with the Pope in Rome this week... ahead of Paul Pelosi’s sentencing for Drunk Driving later this summer.

- The Pope reportedly told Pelosi's husband that he "forgives him"... but he still wouldn't give him the keys to the Popemobile.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to a new poll, the majority of people are NOT changing their Fourth of July plans because of high gas prices.

- Whether you’re traveling or staying home, there’s one thing you can do to celebrate the 4th that won’t cost you a dime: FLY YOUR FLAG!!!!

*****

Tuesday, Jeffrey Epstein’s galpal Ghislaine Maxwell was sentenced to 20 years in prison for her role in his Sexual trafficking scandal.

- Maxwell is said to know the names of all the famous people who visited Epstein's famous Sex Island - so it's anyone's guess as to who's going to be the first one to try to “off her”.

*****

A 25 year old former White House Aide gave what is being touted as “bombshell” testimony in the Jan. 6th hearings yesterday, claiming that she’d been told that President Trump tried to grab the wheel of the Presidential Limo and drive to the Capitol on 1/6 - a claim that the Secret Service agents in the car at the time say isn’t true.

- Reminds me of the time I was at Paradise Park on Grand River in Novi riding shotgun on the Go-Karts with my Grandson Brayden. I thought things were great, but afterwards he told a different story. Brayden blabbed to anyone who would listen that when we went into a sharp turn, I lurched for the steering wheel saying, “Hey…. I’m the Boss!!!” He may only be 10… but he says he’s organizing a 4th Grade Committee to Investigate.

*****

According to a new report in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, Middle-aged people who can’t stand on one leg for at least 10 seconds appear to be at higher risk of dying within a decade.

- I’m no Doctor… But I think the point here is obvious: DON’T TRY TO STAND ON ONE LEG.

*****

Cops were called to Disney’s Animal Kingdom when a wife slapped her husband - but the couple told police they “rarely argue” but were “pushed over the edge” by the stress of the their Disneyworld Vacation.

- That Mad Teacup Ride can really take it out of you.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A video has gone viral that shows a Ukrainian man casually going about his morning shave with an unexploded missile lodged in the ceiling of his house.

- As the Folgers Commercial says… “The Best Part of Waking Up… Is to Shave and Not Blow Up!”

*****

President Biden’s abilities were called into question again when he accidentally flashed a “Cheat Sheet” to the cameras on Friday which showed bullet point instructions for a meeting including, “YOU sit in YOUR seat”.

- In today’s crazy world, did anyone think that maybe the Prez has decided to Identify as “Gender Fluid” and try out some new “Personal Pronouns”??? Hey… I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

*****

World Leaders gathered for the G7 Summit in Bavaria mocked the absent Vladimir Putin with jokes about showing their pecs and going horseback riding shirtless.

- I’m no fan of Vlad’s… but there are two World Leaders that I wouldn’t want to see shirtless on a horse: Ex-German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Kim Jong Un.

*****

With more than 3000 Dentists calling it quits during the last COVID lockdown, many people in Britain have been forced into “Do-It-Yourself Dentistry”… with people pulling their own teeth with pliers.

- Personally speaking, you’d never get me to do that! Why that would be like….. Pulling teeth. (Sorry! Ba da Boom!)

*****

A man in India threw a surprise party with 4000 guests and an 800 pound cake to celebrate… his Dog’s Birthday.

- Did it really need to be a “Surprise” party?? Did he think someone was going to tell the dog??

- And all the guests got extra cake to take home in a Doggy Bag!! (Another Ba da Boom!!)

*****

Firefighters in Pennsylvania rescued a man who accidentally fell into a vat of chocolate at the Mars Candy Factory during his work shift.

- The man is expected to survive but was mad at firefighters saying, “Mind your own business… I LIKED it in there!!!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick