Happy Halloween! In keeping with tradition… Tonight I’ll be handing out Chunky Vegetable Soup - for health reasons of course! Bring your pillowcases… cuz you won’t want to miss a drop! I just need a few more feathers and my Elizabeth Warren costume will be complete!

*****

Kardashian sister Kylie Jenner threw a 70th Birthday party for her Dad Caitlyn Jenner.

- Caitlyn said he and his daughter “share everything” with each other… including size 11 pumps and push up bras.

*****

The Washington Nationals won their first World Series in their 51-year history after a 6-2 victory over the odds-on favorite Houston Astros in Game 7.

- There hasn't been this big an upset in D.C. since November of 2016.

*****

Julie Andrews says she was too 'truly stoned' on prescription meds following surgery to accept a role in a Martin Scorcese movie.

- Put another way, she was Higher than Mary Poppins during a wind storm.

*****

A Kansas man took a joy ride on a stolen tractor — allegedly leaving properties damaged and injuring at least one police officer.

- He was upset because he’s just gotten a John Deere letter.

*****

John Legend and Kelly Clarkson have rewritten the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” to keep the #MeToo movement and Climate Change people happy.

- The song is now called, “Consenting Partner, Because of Global Warming It’s Not Nearly As Cold Outside”.

*****

Beto O’Rourke criticized Prez Trump for his handling of the raid that killed al-Baghdadi.

- Then, as part of his “Gun Buyback Program”, he demanded the U.S. Military hand over their assault weapons.

*****

On a personal note… One year ago today I lost my Beautiful wife, Gail.

We met in High School.

So many years together… And now one year apart. I miss you my love.

-Dick

Hillary Clinton celebrated her 72nd birthday over the weekend.

- Wow. She doesn’t look a DAY over the election.

*****

Jeff Bezos - who is worth $110 BILLION - is being called a “FASHION INFLUENCER” after bathing suits similar to the $280 Octopus print trunks he wore on vacation almost sold out on… yes… Amazon.

- I haven’t got Bezos’ money… but at least I’ve got all of my hair.

- I swim three times a week and my bathing suit isn’t Octopus print… but it does have Flamingos all over it. (True) My girls tell me I’m an “UNFASHIONABLE NON-INFLUENCER”.

*****

United Airlines is set to unveil a new Star Wars themed Boeing 737 which will be painted with scenes from the movie, play Star Wars music as passengers board and offer galactic goodie bags.

- The best part is when the Captain comes on the loudspeaker and announces, “Luke… I am your Pilot”.

*****

Thousands of people have signed a petition to shut down an Extreme Haunted House in Tennessee that tortures its visitors and features terrifying creatures.

- What’s the big deal? “The View” does that EVERYDAY.

*****

The World’s Oldest Woman, Tanzilya Bisembeyeva who credited “optimism and fermented milk” for her longevity has died at age 123.

- Apparently “fermented milk” isn’t quite as good for you as she thought.

*****

Another woman in China became the “World’s Oldest New Mother” Monday when she gave birth at age 67.

- The baby has her nose… and her husbands bladder control issues.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Joy Behar criticized Trump for saying that ISIS leader al-Baghdadi “Died like a Dog” saying “You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead”.

- This is why Joy only speaks ill of the Living.

*****

One of informants who tipped off the Americans to the location of ISIS leader al-Baghdadi, STOLE a pair of his UNDERPANTS for DNA testing to prove his identity before the US took him out.

- This is the first time a known terroist has been eliminated in a “PANTY RAID”.

*****

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said his old boss, Trump, called him this past Sunday night to compliment him on the weight he’s lost during “Dancing With The Stars”.

- And then he fired him.

*****

Narcissists - people who "engage in risky behavior, hold an unrealistic superior view of themselves, are over-confident, show little empathy for others, and have no shame or guilt"… are HAPPIER than “normal” people.

- Forget Disneyland. If this is true, CONGRESS is the Happiest Place on Earth.

*****

Bishops at the Vatican are urging Pope Francis to allow Priests who serve in the Amazon to get married.

- And they want Priests who serve in the Amazon PRIME to be allowed to marry in just Two Days.

*****

During a recent interview, Kanye West - who’s married to Kim Kardashain - said “Marriage years are different than human years—like, you know how dogs are, what is it, seven years? Every marriage year is like a hundred years”. Adding his 5 years with Kim seems “Like 500 years”.

- Kanye’s just cranky cuz every time Kim turns over in bed, she knocks him across the room.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Washington Post took heat for their obit of ISIS leader al-Baghdadi who was killed over the weekend in a raid by American Rangers which called him an “austere religious scholar who wore wire-rimmed glasses”. People Tweeted the insanity of the headline by posting mock obits of their own. Here are some theirs and some of ours:

"Osama bin laden, known for being very tall and fathering 23 children, dies at 54."

“Rev. Jimmy Jones, minister and beverage enthusiast dies after delivering last rites to 900 followers”.

“Mao Zedong, who saved 20-45 million of his own people from having to suffer through the struggle of living, dies at 82.”

“Charles Manson, Beatles lover and devoted Family man, passes away at 83.”

“Adolf Hitler, dynamic public speaker and tireless community organizer, dies at 56.”

*****

Freshman Rep. Katie Hill is resigning amid an ethics investigation over an allegedly inappropriate relationship with a staffer and her participation in a “Thruple” with her husband and another woman.

- I thought a “Thrupple” was a winning hand in Bridge.

*****

A new survey found that 70% of Millennials are likely to vote Socialist and that one in three young people see Communism as “favorable.”

- Attention Parents: You still have time to put a lock on your basement door before Election Day.

*****

Buckingham Palace insiders say Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle may be moving to California.

- Just what we need in Hollywood… Another couple who thinks they’re Royalty.

*****

A new report claims that Kanye West will never perform his past songs in their original form again and is now purely a gospel artist.

- Kanye may be a gospel guy… but I’m having a hard time buying his wife Kim Kardashian as the Virgin Mary.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Madonna has a new Boytoy! The 61 year old is dating one of her back up dancers… who is 24.

- They even have nicknames for each other… She calls him “Stud Muffin” and he calls her “Grandma”.

*****

A survey by the U.S. Department of Agriculture found that - due to a surge in the hog population - the U.S. has a massive surplus of bacon.

- I’d love to tell you more… but "Th-Th-Th, Th-Th-Th, Th-Th... That's all, folks!”

*****

NASA is now predicting that humans could land on MARS by 2035.

- Humans on Mars. Wow. I guess that rules out the Kardashians.

*****

Trudeau won reelection in Canada this week.

- Canadians clearly wanted a fresh face… So Justin washed off his make up.

*****

A Florida man was arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting an “Olaf” stuffed Snowman doll from the Disney movie “Frozen” — in a Target store, before he began “romancing” a stuffed Unicorn.

- Who among us hasn’t slept with a stuffed animal at some point in our life??

- He also wanted to make-out with a Sleeping Beauty doll, but he couldn’t wake her up to get her consent.

*****

On this day in 1911, Orville Wright set a new flight record when he stayed aloft for nine minutes and forty-five seconds in a glider over Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina where he landed.

- His luggage ended up in Atlanta.

*****

A new study suggests that fertility doctors are giving couples BAD advice when it comes to conception.

- On the other hand, NIKE is giving GREAT advice to couples when it comes to conception with their slogan, “Just Do It”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Friday!

-Dick

A new survey claims that a growing number of Americans are buying “Doggie DNA Kits” to find out the true origin of their pets.

- There’s a DNA kit for Cats too… It’s called “23 & Me-ow”.

*****

A stray dog boarded a bus in England and rode for twenty minutes before they kicked her off.

- You know society is getting out of shape when even the Dogs don’t want to take a walk.

*****

Martha Stewart said Felicity Huffman “looked pretty schlumpy' in photos of her in a Green Prison Jumpsuit.

- Then Martha sent Felicity a festive hand made Shank from HER days in the Slammer.

*****

Bernie Sanders lashed out at Hillary Clinton’s claim that Democrat candidate Tulsi Gabbard is a “Russian Asset” calling Hillary’s comments “Outrageous”.

- Bernie wants us all to be Socialists… but apparently being a “Communist” is NOT okay.

*****

Alec Baldwin says he doesn’t believe the parents in the college admissions bribery scandal should go to prison.

- And I think we should listen to him. Because we all know what happens when you make Alec angry.

*****

On this day in 1973 Richard Nixon agreed to hand over the White House tapes.

- Remember the good old days when the whole country was obsessed with impeachment??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Insiders say that Lori Loughlin - who is facing 40 years in the College Admissions scandal - may change her plea to from “Not Guilty” to Guilty” since Felicity Huffman, who plead guilty, only got 14 days in jail.

- But legal experts say Lori is Up the Creek Without a Paddle. Or her case, an Oar.

*****

Happy Belated Birthday to Kim Kardashian who turned 39 yesterday!

- I wanted to get here something she could use, so I got her a Fanny Pack… by Samsonite.

*****

Justin Trudeau overcame his Blackface Scandal to win reelection in Canada yesterday.

- After his victory speech, he went out to Paint the Town Black… um… I mean RED.

*****

For $250 bucks, Stormi Daniels will record a personalized 60 second video Birthday Greeting or Bachelor Party Message complete with a seductive wink.

- It’s like the Porn version of Hallmark: “When You Care Enough To Send the Very Chest”.

*****

Tiger Woods is about to release a memoir about his career that’s called “BACK.”

- He decided to write the book after getting bored just puttering around the house.

*****

Joe Biden’s son Hunter - of Ukraine fame - has agreed to take a paternity test, but insists he is NOT the father of an Alabama woman’s child.

- In keeping with his dealing in the Ukraine, Hunter didn’t actually DO anything with the woman… he was just paid to consult.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Republican Senator and Trump Critic Mitt Romney admitted he has a second account on Twitter that he uses under the name “Pierre Delecto”.

- Looks like someone’s been hangin’ out with “Carlos Danger”.

*****

Felicity Huffman was spotted wearing a green convict jumpsuit in the “Yard” of her California prison over the weekend as she was visited by her husband and daughter.

- Kids aren’t allowed to visit, but Felicity gave the Warden 20 Grand to get her daughter in.

*****

After lots of complaints that his hotel would get free publicity, the White House announced that next year’s G-7 Summit will NOT be hosted at Trump’s Doral Hotel after all.

- Trump tweeted: “FINE! Then we’ll have it at Mar-a-Lago!”

*****

Hillary Clinton made headlines Friday by calling Army Vet Democrat Tulsi Gabbard a “RUSSIAN ASSET” who is being groomed by Putin’s government to run for US Prez in 2020 as a third party candidate.

- BILL Clinton tweeted: “ Tulsi is HOT!”

*****

Tulsi fired back by calling Clinton the “Queen of warmongers, embodiment of corruption, and personification of the rot that has sickened the Democratic Party”.

- Some say Gabbard’s brave for serving in the military. I think she’s even braver for crossin’ Hillary.

- Don’t beat around the bush, Tulsi. Tell us what you really think.

*****

Porn Star “Bridget the Midget” is facing up to 20 years for stabbing her boyfriend in the leg.

- He’s lucky considering she was aiming for his heart.

*****

Canadians head to the polls today to decide whether Justin Trudeau will be reelected.

- All politicians are Two-Faced. Justin’s Two Faces just happen to be different colors.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

NBC Insiders say Matt Lauer’s former co-host Ann Curry could “Destroy” him if she reveals what she knows about his behavior with women.

- I’m pretty sure the “Destroy Matt” train has already left the station. What’s left to Destroy??

*****

North Korean State TV broadcast a pic of Kim Jong Un having a “great moment of thinking” while riding a white horse on a sacred Mountain and claimed that Kim will soon “Strike the world with wonder again”.

- I always imagined Lil Kim having his “great moments of thinking” in the Palace Mens’ Room.

*****

The National Enquirer is reporting that after 36 years of dating, 73 year old Goldie Hawn is ready to marry 68 year old Kurt Russell.

- I guess her biological clock finally started ticking.

- I hope their parents sit ‘em down for “The Talk” before the Wedding Night.

*****

A startup tech company claims it is planning to send pregnant women on 24-hour to 36-hour missions so they can give birth in orbit.

- What if the women don’t wanna give birth in orbit??

- Didn’t this happen years ago? I thought this was how we ended up with "Moon Unit Zappa”.

- They say labor pains in orbit will be “Painfree”… but that’s only because In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream.

*****

Felicity Huffman reported to a minimum security “Club Fed” prison in California this week to begin serving her two week sentence in the College Admissions Scandal. The prison features floor to ceiling windows, vending machines, fitness classes and a weight loss program.

- Did she go to jail or join a Health Club??

- Wow. Two weeks. I just hope she can adjust to “The Outside” when she gets released.

*****

Protesters in Hong Kong have taken to the streets to burn LeBron James jerseys because of his support for China.

- In a related story, protestors in Detroit have taken to the streets to shred Referee shirts because of their support of the Packers.

*****

A Staten Island woman is making headlines for keeping a horse in her house that she also rides around her neighborhood.

- Her mom said, “Whudya do? Grow up in a Barn??”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

- Dick Purtan

Last night at the Debate all 12 of the Democrats on stage said they believe President Trump should be impeached.

- Boy, I didn’t see that one comin’.

*****

When Democrat candidate Cory Booker reminded the audience that Sanders supports legalization of Medical Marijuana, Bernie responded, “I’m not on it tonight!”

- And then he reached under the podium and pullout out a bag of Doritos.

*****

A former NASA Scientist claims they found alien life on MARS IN THE 70’s.

- Big Deal! We had aliens at PINE KNOB IN THE 70’s too! They wore bells bottoms, flowered ties & bushy mustaches. And I was one of them.

*****

LeBron James - who supports Colin “Take a Knee” Kaepernick - is being criticized for supporting China over pro-Democracy Hong Kong protestors.

- In a related story, LeBron will be leaving the LA Lakers to play for the Hollywood Hypocrites.

*****

Yesterday, Taco Bell recalled about 2.3 million pounds of beef after a customer discovered a metal shaving in a Taco.

- Well that’s one way to get Iron in your diet.

*****

According to the new book “Catch and Kill” disgraced Today Show host Matt Lauer had an affair with a “Well known, well respected NBC personality”.

- So now we know! Al Roker lost all that weight to look good for Matt.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

36% of Americans say Reese’s Peanut butter cups are their favorite Halloween candy followed by Snicker’s with 18% and 11% picked M&M’s.

- And once again… Goobers get the shaft.

*****

85-year-old Larry King and his 63-year-old wife Shawn are selling their LA mansion as part of their divorce - including a giant portrait of Larry made out of Jelly Beans - for $17 Million.

- Larry’s sons say Shawn is looking for a big Payday and their Dad is a DumDum for marrying her in the first place.

*****

Hunter Biden went on ABC to answer questions about the Billions he was getting from Ukraine and China saying he made “poor decisions” but that he did “nothing wrong”.

- Well that’s good enough for me.

*****

Over the weekend, former Disney star Bella Thorne was given the “Vision” award for Best Director of an ADULT FILM by Pornhub.

- In her movie, Snow White has an affair with the Eighth and Ninth Dwarves: Horny and Frisky.

*****

Kanye West told his wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to an event earlier this year was “too sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey”.

- And then she wore it anyway.

*****

Insiders say that Matt Lauer’s three teenaged sons are so upset over his behavior they want to change their last name.

- to Weinstein.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Columbus Day!

There. I said it. :)

Taking the day off… Back tomorrow!

-Dick

Elizabeth Warren is under fire for claiming that she was fired from a teaching job in 1971 because she was pregnant. A reporter obtained documents that show she was actually given a raise and then she resigned a year later.

- Me thinks she speaks with Forked tongue.

*****

Some on Social Media are lashing out at Ellen DeGeneres for asking people to “Be Kind to One Another” after she was called out for sitting next to George W. Bush at a Dallas Cowboy’s game.

- I didn’t realize that “Be Kind to One Another” had been added to the “Insensitive Things You Can’t Say” List.

*****

73 year old Dolly Parton says she’s launching a new “Lifestyle Empire” that will sell clothing, home goods and wigs based on her own home and wardrobe.

- This is great for women who want a bra that doubles as a couple of laundry hampers.

*****

Miley Cyrus is in the hospital recovering from Tonsillitis capping off a year that saw her get married, cheat on her husband, file for separation, start dating a girl, dump the girlfriend, then begin dating a guy.

- And all she got was Tonsillitis??

*****

An elderly Florida man will serve a month in jail for battery after he squirted a female neighbor in the face with a water pistol filled with urine.

- Why didn’t he just use a Pee Shooter?

*****

A new documentary series about men who have married sex dolls premieres next week on STARZ.

- In the first episode, in addition to going to marriage therapy, each man has to take his wife to Tech Support.

*****

According to a new study, 1 in 4 American adults say they’ve NEVER eaten a vegetable.

- The other 3 say they love vegetables… like ONION Rings and CORN Dogs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Jimmy Carter has two simple pieces of advice for Donald Trump as he faces the threat of impeachment: tell the truth -- and tweet less.

- How long before Trump tweets: “Odds are… I don’t need advice from Jimmy the GEEK!!!”

*****

Alec Baldwin fell for an infamous NYC scam - paying $40 per ticket for his family to go on what it turns out is a FREE boat ride to the Statue of Liberty.

- And then Alec got in a fistfight with Lady Liberty over a parking space for the boat.

*****

Y-day, after Trump egged Hillary on to run again, she said “Don’t tempt me”.

- Which is exactly what Bill said to Monica. Except for the “Don’t” part.

*****

72% of those 65+ say that most wealthy people in America “earned their wealth” without exploiting people… but 52% of those under 30 say that “most” rich people in the United States got rich “by taking advantage of people.”

- Apparently living rent free on the couch in your parents basement doesn’t count as “taking advantage of people”.

*****

The Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia now features a “Rage Room” where those attending sporting events can use a sledgehammer to destroy TVs, Dishes, etc… to let out their frustrations before heading home from a game.

- They were going to build a Rage Room for Lion’s fans at Ford Field but they couldn’t find enough Sledgehammers.

*****

A North Carolina female Assistant Principal has been arrested for having sex with a male student six times. Her bail was set at $6000.

- Which will be paid by the Other male students who set up a GoFundMe page.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump tweeted that “Crooked Hillary should enter the 2020 Presidential Race” so she can unseat the “Uber Liberal” Elizabeth Warren.

- Two words: Chick Fight!!!

*****

According to a new study… Farmers have more sex than members of any other profession, with 33% of them saying they “do the deed” at least once a day.

- Well High Ho the Derry-Oh… Looks like the farmers aren’t spending as much time in the Dell as we thought they were.

*****

An Artificial Intelligence expert claims that Voice Technology will soon allow us to control everything with just our voice - and that phones will disappear in ten years.

- I’m ahead of the game. I use both. As in this morning when I said, “Where the hell did I put my $@#!^*% Flip Phone???”.

*****

Astronauts have successfully grown Meat in a lab on the International Space Station 248 miles above earth.

- How do you GROW Meat??? I guess we finally know where the new “Impossible Burger” comes from.

*****

A Texas man is in jail after he robbed a bank last Friday to pay for his wedding on Saturday.

- The bride-to-be cancelled the wedding… but he still ended up with the Old Ball and Chain.

*****

RIP… Rip Taylor. The confetti throwing comedian has died at the age of 84. One time my late wife Gail and I were at the Tonight Show and Rip Taylor was one of Carson’s guests. Rip held up a large painting - the kind you’d hang on a wall - of a large Screw. And he said, “Ladies and Gentlemen… The Framing of the Screw!” One person laughed in the audience. And that laugh came from my wife Gail. Rip looked up and said “Thank you Lady!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

On this day in 1806 Ralph Wedgwood patented Carbon paper.

- Boy I didn’t CC that one coming.

*****

FACT: On this day in 1986 now GM Steve Yzerman was named Captain of the Red Wings, a title he would hold for over 1,300 games.

*****

79-year-old Sir Patrick Stewart announced that he’ll be starring in a new “Star Trek” Spinoff.

- In the new series, the “Enterprise” is a rental car he picks up at an airport in Miami.

*****

Bernie Sanders vows he’s headed back to the campaign trail after suffering a heart attack last week.

- Beto O’Rourke immediately blamed Sander’s heart attack on “White Privilege” and demanded that all Illegal Immigrants be given the same chance to have Heart Attacks that US Citizens enjoy.

*****

Lori Loughlan hasn’t gone to trial yet, but friends say she’s already shopping a prison tell-all book in the hopes of making millions from her possible jail sentence.

- Let’s hope she WRITES better than her daughter ROWED.

*****

Insiders say Democrats are again urging Michelle Obama to jump in the race for the White House but she says she’s not interested.

- “Over my dead body!” - - - said Hillary.

*****

43 percent of Americans surveyed say it’s okay to start decorating for the Holidays on November 1st.

- The other 57% never take the lights down.

*****

On this day in 1492… Christopher Columbus missed “discovering” Florida when he changed course.

- Making him the first person in history to curse Google Maps.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Police are still trying to identify the two men who hacked the electronic billboard on I-75 at M-59 last weekend and showed a 20 minute porn film to motorists.

- There will be an 8:40 & 10:50pm showing of the film tonight on the billboard. It’s BYOP… Bring Your Own Popcorn. As always, police ask that motorists keep both hands on the wheel.

*****

White Castle is now selling its own beer.

- Instead of being brewed, the beer cans are poked with holes, covered with onions, and then steamed.

*****

The State Department is ramping up its probe into Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 deleted emails.

- But Hillary said, “There’s nothing there”. Well, yeah… because she DELETED ‘em.

*****

Archaeologists have unearthed a giant penis statue in Sweden that was used by a cult.

- A huge crowd turned out to see it… but I think we all know the size of the crowd doesn’t matter.

*****

It’s National Virus Appreciation Day!

- So if you see Madonna… Give her a Hug.

*****

Mickey Mouse plays a big part on this day in history.

The “Mickey Mouse Club” debuted on TV on this day in 1955… And on this day in 1995, O.J. Simpson was found “Not Guilty” - after an eleven-month long Mickey Mouse Trial.

*****

Saw the Steve Martin/Martin Short show at the Windsor Casino last weekend. Brilliantly funny! If they come back to town and you get a chance to see them… DO!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Yesterday, during China’s 70th Anniversary as a Communist country, they unveiled a nuclear missile that they claim can strike the United States in thirty minutes.

- It’s an improvement on their old “Amazon Prime” missile which arrived in two days.

*****

Two former producers of the Jerry Springer Show claim that it was “all fake” and that their real job “was to get pretty girls, strippers and porn stars for Jerry to sleep with”.

- Upon hearing the news Jerry threw a fit. And a couple of chairs.

*****

88 year old Regis Philbin is trying to convince 72 year old soap star Susan Lucci to join him for a new nationwide singing tour.

- The two were seen talking on the set of her new show, “All My Grandchildren”.

*****

A Florida Church bought a local strip club because they needed more space for their growing congregation.

- In keeping with the buildings tradition they’ll have sermons every hour and 50 cent wine after 10pm.

*****

Prince Harry closed his African tour by calling on the world to end “greed, apathy, and selfishness” so we can fight climate change.

- Hey Harry… How about you go first?

*****

A pic has surfaced of Joe Biden, his son Hunter and one of Hunter’s co-workers from the Ukrainian company golfing together in 2014 - although Joe says he and his son NEVER discussed his Billion Dollar deals with Ukraine and China.

- And we all know men NEVER LIE about what happens on the Golf Course.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Nancy Pelosi told reporters that she was “Prayerful” and “Heartbroken” to move forward with the impeachment inquiry into President Trump.

- I hope Nancy’s wearing flame retardant underwear… cuz I think her pants are on fire.

*****

Pregnant women in Minnesota are flocking to a local restaurant for a taste of “The Labor Burger” which features an angus beef patty, bacon, peach caramelized onions, and spicy mustard - which they say sends women into labor.

- And the new Taco Bell Toasted Cheddar Black Bean Chalupa will send you into the Bathroom.

*****

According to a study published in “Current Biology”, too much exercise leads people to make bad decisions.

- In a related story, a new book claims John Lennon ran a marathon right before proposing to Yoko.

*****

Oprah told her viewers that she wants Disney CEO Bob Iger to run for president.

- Why not? We’ve already got two of the Seven Dwarves running: “Sleepy” Joe Biden and “Tweety” Donald Trump.

*****

A survey by the Wall Street Journal found that a growing number of Americans are getting stoned before they go to the gym.

- They’re easy to spot… They’re the ones eating a bag of Doritos on the Treadmill.

*****

A 20 year old woman - who became a vegan two years ago - claimed a Bakery served her a sandwich containing sausage which she says “poisoned her body” and left her “traumatized for life”.

- You want to be traumatized for life??? Try taking a bite of my Uncle Mark’s famous “Pickled Pigs Feet Meatballs”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s going to get to around 80 degrees today… and 87 tomorrow.

- I don’t know about you but I always love it when we have a little Indian… uhhhhh… I mean “Indigenous People Summer”!

- And speaking of Native Americans… Elizabeth Warren made a campaign stop in Madison Heights Sunday.

*****

PageSix is reporting that Dolly Parton has signed a major book deal.

- It’s a pop up book. Well, two of them actually.

*****

Drivers on I-75 in Auburn Hills got an eyeful Saturday night when an “Adult Film” started playing on one of the electronic billboards.

- For some reason driver’s speeds dropped from 90 to 15.

*****

The Russian Space Program has discovered a drill hole in the International Space Station that was “made by a human”.

- Since there are both Russians and Americans on board… I think we’ve finally uncovered the long-missing COLLUSION!!!

*****

Eddie Murphy told the New York Times that he cringes at his old stand-up material because of how insensitive it was.

- Remember the good old days when comedians didn’t have to be sensitive… They just had to be FUNNY??

*****

The World Health Organization says that this years flu shot may be PROTECTING AGAINST THE WRONG KIND OF FLU.

- Well that’s certainly the feel good story of the day.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick