Late Show host Stephen Colbert told his audience that he was one of the people cut from former Prez Obama’s Birthday Party guest list over the weekend.

- This has been a really rough summer for Stephen. First I cut him from MY Birthday Party Guest list - and now THIS.

*****

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says she probably won’t run for President in 2024.

- Can we get her to Pinky-Swear on that??

*****

Two more women have come forward to accuse NY Governor Cuomo of Sexual Harassment… Plus, his top aide Melissa DeRosa has resigned.

- As a parting gift, Cuomo gave her a hug, a kiss and a grope - “Just for old times sake”.

*****

Another trend making the rounds: Oreo Sushi… where Oreos are separated, mixed with milk, mushed up, rolled out and sliced.

- Or you can just dip the cookies in milk like most people do.

*****

Thousands of people marched in Paris for a fourth consecutive week of protests against the COVID-19 health passes that will soon be required there.

- No matter how you feel about the health passes, you gotta admit it’s nice to see someone other than the Germans marching through Paris.

*****

NBC’s TV ratings for the 2020 Olympics were down 49% compared to the 2016 Summer Olympics.

- The news brought NBC execs to their knees… just like some of the athletes.

*****

RIP… Jack Aronson, Philanthropist and founder of the Garden Fresh Company has died at the age of 68. More tomorrow.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday…

-Dick

Photos of Obama dancing at his 60th Birthday Party were posted by guests online, but were immediately taken down because the former Prez was MASKLESS.

- It was similar to Bill Clinton’s 60th Birthday Party except Bill went PANTLESS.

*****

One of Obama’s top aides is asking for people to celebrate the ex-Prez’s 60th Birthday by donating either 6 or 60 dollars to help fund his $500 MILLION Presidential Library in Chicago.

- The 500 mil will cover the cost of Sharpies needed to black out all the government secrets in the books we’re not allowed to read.

*****

A New Six Flags roller coaster is promising to offer the “World’s Steepest Dive”.

- It’s just like Andrew Cuomo’s Political Career - but you’ll wear a seatbelt.

*****

The U.S. came out the OVERALL WINNER at the Summer Olympic Games earning 113 medals - 39 of which were Gold. China came in second with 88 medals - 38 of them Gold.

- China blamed their loss of Medals on the U.S., saying the Americans MISCOUNTED the amount of wins in Column A. And Column B.

*****

NBC has halted production of a new competition show due to an outbreak of “Explosive diarrhea” among the cast. The show was to be called “Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide”.

- I’m just gonna let that one speak for itself.

*****

With fewer movies being made in Hollywood, plus a higher tax rate and an exorbitant cost of living, a growing number of celebs are leaving L.A. and moving to Austin, Texas.

- Just a few more hundred miles South and we can get ‘em all out of the country!

*****

RIP… Markie Post the actress who starred in TV’s “Nightcourt” has died at 70 after a battle with Cancer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s National Underwear Day… the day we celebrate Underwear that’s “Fun-To-Wear” !!

No matter your preference… Bikinis or Briefs…

Leopard Print or Tightie Whities…

They’re the thing you put on first everyday,

And the last you take off each Nightie!

(Not exactly Shakespeare… But Jackie just wrote it on the fly).

*****

With even Dem lawmakers in New York threatening impeachment if he won’t resign, NY Gov. Cuomo is still refusing to step down after the Attorney Generals investigation found that he Sexually Harassed 11 women.

- But on a bright note, we’re working on a new “Tickle Me Cuomo” doll.

*****

On Wednesday, The “Woke” Washington Football Team - formerly the Washington Redskins - announced that Native American-inspired headdresses and face paint will no longer be allowed at its stadium.

- But Scalpers are still allowed to sell tickets outside.

*****

A new study claims men who have sex 21 times a month have a lower risk of prostate cancer.

- Guys, I’ll give you a minute to go tell your wife… It’s okay… I’ll wait.

*****

A University study in England found that Giraffes have “High-Functioning Social Systems”.

- I don’t know how “Social” the systems are… but I bet they’re “High”.

*****

China’s Foreign Minister slammed comments by US Congressmen that there is a “Preponderance of evidence” that COVID came out of the Wuhan Lab, saying “The report is totally based on the concocted lies and distorted facts”.

- They don’t have a problem with everything else in America being “Made in China” - why the fuss over the virus??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Congratulations to Miguel Cabrera who during the Tiger’s 4 - 2 victory over the Red Sox last night, hit his 498th Home Run… leaving him just two away from entering the exclusive 500 Club!

- Boy, this really takes me back to what I was able to do when I played on my High School JV Baseball Team. No, actually it doesn’t.

*****

Former Prez Obama turns 60… and Meghan Markle turns the big 4-0.

The Queen, Prince Charles and Prince William and Kate Middleton with wish Meghan a Happy Birthday.

- The Queen wrote… “Happy Happy Birthday, Meg… You are such a dear! We miss our Harry so, so much… but are glad that YOU’RE not here!!!”

*****

After taking a lot of heat for planning a 500 person party for his 60th Birthday during a surge in COVID cases, Barack Obama has “uninvited” a lot of people on the guest list.

- But he told them they can hold onto the official invite saying, “If you LIKE your Invitation, you can KEEP your invitation”.

- He also scaled back on the entertainment for the party… So Gov. Cuomo won’t running “Handy Andy’s Kissing Booth” after all.

*****

Bill and Melinda Gates have officially finalized their Hundreds-of-Billions Divorce.

- Hey Bill… It’s tough, but you know what they say… When God closes a door… he opens a Windows 10.0

*****

In a new episode of Disney's Muppet babies, the character Gonzo dresses as a Princess to promote transgenderism.

The episode is brought to you by the letters L. B. G. Q. & T.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Former Prez Barack Obama is throwing himself a 60th birthday with nearly 500 guests and 200 staff members at his mansion on Martha's Vineyard.

- Pearl Jam will perform a private concert and for extra fun “Uncle Joe” will pull nickels out of all the guests ears.

*****

Universal Studios is set to drop $400 million for the rights of the famed horror franchise “The Exorcist” to produce a new trilogy.

- In the new version, the Devil is exorcised… but gets a Participation Trophy and an “A” for effort.

*****

A nutritionist in England claims it’s okay to eat chocolate everyday - in moderation - and to remember that “One piece tastes the same as 10 pieces”.

- Are we just supposed to take her word for it?? I’ve always thought the 7th piece tastes the best.

*****

Less than a week after she pulled out of the Olympics for mental health reasons, Simone Biles announced that SHE WILL will make one last bid for Olympic Gold by competing on the Balance Beam tomorrow night.

- First she’s in. Then she’s out. Then she’s back in again. Is this the Olympics or the Hokey Pokey?

- We wish Simone luck… but if she ends up “shaking herself all about” she’s gonna fall off that beam.

*****

A failed attempt at the “Snatch” knocked New Zealand weightlifter Laurel Hubbard out of Olympics - after she made headlines as the first Olympic athlete who used to be a man, to compete as a woman.

- Critics weren’t surprise she lost because they said, “She lifted like a girl”.

*****

Bruce Springsteen has declined to have a New Jersey Rest Stop named after him.

- I think he made the wrong decision… When I was in the Army and lived at Ft. Monmouth in Southern New Jersey, to get to New York City, you had to stop at SEVEN toll booths. And by that time… believe me…you NEEDED a rest stop.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

RIP… Ron Popeil, the father of the infomercial and creator of the Pocket Fisherman, Hair in a Can and the “Set it and Forget it” Rotisserie has died at 86.

- Popeil was said to be a firm believer in the afterlife. In fact his last words were… “But wait! There’s more!”

*****

Citing a fuel shortage, American Airlines is asking it’s pilots to “Conserve Fuel”.

- Which begs the question: When is the best time to conserve fuel?? I’m assuming it’s not during Take-Off.

*****

Speaking at an event yesterday, President Biden raised eyebrows by claiming that he “Used to drive an 18-wheeler” despite the White House admitting that there’s “No evidence” he’s ever driven a big rig.

- In his defense, the Prez may have confused the Truck with the School Bus he DID once drive for a summer job. Who among us hasn’t sung, “The 18-Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round… Round and Round… Round and Round… “

*****

Although the Govenemrnt in New Zealand hasn’t confirmed this, some Women are claiming that the Pfizer vaccine made their chests grow larger - by up to two cup sizes.

- Well, that explains why it requires two shots.

*****

The New Lamborghini “Huracan” has an Amazon Alexa in the dashboard.

- Just what I need… ANOTHER woman in the car telling me I’m driving too fast.

- So instead of fumbling with the radio dials, you can keep your hands where there supposed to be… on your phone texting.

*****

A Louisianna man is getting national attention for his attempt to turn his neighborhood into a “Trailer Park for Swingers” by posting a sign at the entrance that reads, “Bring Your House and Share Your Spouse!!”

- We’ve come a long way from the days when a visit from the “Welcome Wagon” or your neighbor meant a Tupperware container full of homemade cookies.

*****

Very proud of my 9 year old Grandson Brayden - son of my late daughter Julie, who we lost suddenly back in June. At his soccer game last night, Brayden scored FIVE of his winning teams 7 goals!!! Who needs the Olympics when we’ve got Brayden?!?!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The Communist Chinese Government is accusing the media of making its Olympic athletes “Look Ugly”.

- Hmmmm. They seem so uptight.. Maybe it’s something in the water… That water being the South China Sea.

*****

Russian President Vladimir Putin has directed the construction of two new so-called “Doomsday” planes that would function as command and control centers in the event of a devastating nuclear conflict.

- He seems so tense lately, too. I think Vlad needs to treat himself to another afternoon of shirtless horseback riding.

*****

Some Satisfaction for Rolling Stones fans… They’ll be at Ford Field on November 15th!

- The Stones are gettin’ up there… Even with Viagra, they’re re-naming their biggest hit, “Sad-Reaction”.

*****

Last years sales of Apples iPhone were up 50%.

- In other news from Apple… I still can’t figure out how to text.

*****

This morning, Elizabeth Warren renewed her call for a Tax on the Ultra Rich saying… “Yes, Jeff Bezos… I’m looking at you”.

- Liz says she’s not out to tax the little guy… just the man at the top of the Totem Pole.

*****

Speaking of Jeff Bezos… did I forget to mention that I went up to Space with Jeff last week? Had a great time, but after paying $28 Million for my ticket, you'd think he would've waived the $25 fee for my carry-on and given me a full can of coke. Flying sure isn’t what it used to be.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A new survey of 2,000 Americans finds that 2 in 3 dog owners cook special meals just for their pet.

- I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean Pup-peroni Pizza!

- To say nothing of my German Shepard’s Pie… Or my Eggs Rover-Easy.

*****

Speaking of good eats… Campbells Soup is changing the design of it’s cans for the first time in 50 years to make the label more “Modern”.

- They can do whatever they want to the label… just don’t change the Tomato Soup I grew up with!!! Did we learn nothing from the NEW COKE??

*****

Facebook is now allowing people to conduct religious services on their streaming platform… and, for a fee, will help Churches, Synagogues and Mosques find new ways to raise money.

- So now the big question: Which religion is Facebook gonna flag as “Misinformation”??

*****

There’s a new movement to remove police from NYC schools to make them more “Healing-Centered'.

- Here’s an idea… how about we try making schools “LEARNING CENTERED” and see how that works out?

- In my day, we didn’t need Cops in school… we had the Principal’s secretary - MRS. SILVERTHORN. She was the one at George Washington Elementary School who decided who had to sit on the dreaded “Blue Bench” in the hallway - the place of shame -where everybody walking by looked at you like you were a juvenile delinquent. Even my parents were afraid of her.

- But she still wasn’t as bad as my History teacher and Varsity Football Coach, Jules Yakapovitch. I got caught talking during Study Hall.. and Mr. Y told me to “Shut up”. I kept talking so he hit me over the head with a heavy book. I kept talking (of course) so he walked over, picked up my desk (with me in it) about a foot in the air - and dropped it. It was then that I “Shut up”!!!

*****

A study by Northwestern University found that the more money you make, the longer you'll live.

- According to the Bible, Methuselah lived to be 969... He must have had one heckuva financial advisor!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sunday, Dr. Fauci said that the CDC may reverse course and recommend that fully Vaccinated Americans wear masks in public.

- These people change their minds more often than J-Lo changes boyfriends.

*****

Team USA Men’s Basketball fell to France in a shocking upset on Sunday.

- Apparently they were expecting France to just walk out and Surender like they usually do.

*****

Another study says the consumption of red meat could lead to early death.

- Particularly for the cow.

*****

Lebron James' new movie “Space Jam” is being trashed by critics with some calling it “The Worst Movie Ever Made”.

- Obviously the critics have never seen 1989’s “Collision Course” starring Jen Leno, Pat Morita… and Me.

*****

Dolly Parton commented on a sexy bikini shot that Kim Kardashian posted on Instagram saying, “You’re doing a great job, honey!”

- Isn’t that like the Pot calling the Kettle Stacked?

*****

RIP… Legendary comedian Jackie Mason who passed away Saturday at the age of 93. Here are a couple of my favorite Jackie Mason jokes:

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half - it doesn't bother me.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Prince George… the future King of England… turns 8 today!

- Little George wanted to go to White Castle… but in today’s “Diverse/Woke” World, the Royal Family decided they shouldn’t go there and went to George’s other favorite spot… Charles E. Cheese.

*****

Six months after being released from Prison… Kwame Kilpatrick will get married this Saturday to a woman he got to know while he was in the hoosegow and who he calls his “Dream Girl”.

- Isn’t that always the way ladies? It seems like all the good ex-Con ex-Mayors are taken.

*****

Officials in Australia are now calling shark attacks "Negative Encounters," to reverse the trend of anti-shark bias.

- In keeping with the “Woke” generation, Great White Sharks will now be known as Not-So-Great-White-Privileged Creatures of the Sea.

*****

Jeff Bezos called his trip into space his “Best day ever”.

- For a guy who makes $321 MILLION a day… that’s sayin’ something.

*****

White House Press Spokesperson Jen Psaki threw out the first pitch at a Washington Nationals Game the other night and people are now accusing her of using Rosin.

- But it turns is was just Cocaine on the glove she borrowed from Hunter Biden.

*****

According to a new study, the one-shot coronavirus vaccine from Johnson & Johnson is much less effective against the Delta variant than the original COVID virus… and may require a booster shot.

- With the third shot, the company will now be known as “Johnson, Johnson & Johnson”.

That reminds me of an old Groucho Marx joke…

A man calls the law firm. of Johnson, Johnson, Johnson & Johnson and asks to speak to Mr. Johnson. The man who answers the phone says, “Mr. Johnson is out to lunch right now.” And the first guy says, “Oh… then can I speak to Mr. Johnson?” The other guy says, “I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson’s on vacation this week”. “I see,” says the man, “Then can I speak to Mr. Johnson?” “Mr. Johnson’s out sick today”. “Well then” says the man, “ can I speak to Mr. Johnson?” The other guy says, “Speaking!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

75 year old Dolly Parton recreated her iconic October 1978 Playboy cover to celebrate her husband Carl Thomas Dean’s 79th birthday adding, that after 57 years together, he still thinks she’s a “Hot Chick”.

- Dolly said Carl is still “Mr. Right”… and Carl says she’s still “Mrs. Right… AND Mrs. Left”.

*****

Jeff Bezos successfully returned to Earth after spending 11 minutes in Space this morning… making him him the Richest Person EVER to travel outside the Earth’s atmosphere.

- But he’s still bald.

*****

Kamala Harris tweeted, “This Delta variant is no joke. Get vaccinated”.

- Hey Kamala… “Delta is also an Airline that flies to the Southern Border. Get a ticket”.

*****

According to a new book, England’s Prince Andrew spent time at Jeffrey Epstein’s NYC townhouse during his divorce from Sarah Ferguson.

- Maybe he was just there to sell some of his dates Girl Scout Cookies.

*****

News broke on Monday that Prince Harry is writing a “tell all Memoir” to be released in 2022.

- Let me repeat that… Meghan Markle is writing a book and putting Harry’s name on it.

*****

Penguin Radom House will allegedly pay Prince Harry an advance of at least $20 MILLION for his 2022 Memoir… which Harry says he will donate to his favorite Charity…

- … the Meghan Markle Foundation for Self-Enrichement.

- Possible titles for the book include, “Fifty Shades of Green”, “The 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People” and “Rich Man, Richer Woman”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Over the weekend, Joe Vacari, the owner of the Andiamo Restaurants, invited me to see Frankie Scinta perform at Freedom Hill in Sterling Heights. Frankie is a friend of mine from Kenmore, New York (our hometown!) and is an all round incredible musical/comedy talent who performs regularly in Las Vegas and even has a showroom named after him there. You can see Frankie’s live show… “Live with Scinta” Sunday nights on Facebook Live - at 8pm Detroit time (5pm Vegas time where the show originates). I highly recommend this very funny/heartwarming/family-oriented show!

*****

Athletes at the upcoming Olympic Games in Tokyo will find themselves sleeping in specially designed “Cardboard Beds” that can hold up to 450 pounds.

- Which is great news for Gwen Berry - the Hammer thrower who turned her back during the playing of the US National Anthem! The bed should be PERFECT for her and her Hammer.

*****

According to a new study by YouGov and The Economist, 20% of Americans believe that microchips may have been planted inside COVID-19 vaccines to track people.

- Which is ridiculous! The government already uses our Smartphones and Alexa’s to do that.

*****

Over the weekend, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez toured a “Renovated” $65 MILLION mansion in Holmby Hills, California.

- Much like J-Lo… the place has had a lot of work done.

- J-Lo collects men like Hunter Biden collects Chinese and Ukrainian Pay Checks.

*****

The NYPD is looking for a pervert who has repeatedly exposed himself to women on the subway.

- Nice to see Anthony Weiner making headlines again.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

President Biden’s Secretary of State, Antony Blinken has invited the UN to investigate the United States for “Racism”!!

- REALLY?? That’s like the Louvre hiring Hunter Biden as their Art Critic.

*****

A Japanese robot named Pepper is being urged to retire after getting fired from almost every job it’s ever had.

- Good luck getting through to HUMAN resources.

*****

This year’s Canne Film Festival in France features a movie about a young woman who has sex with cars and ends up pregnant by a vintage Cadillac.

- This will be the first baby ever to need a Diaper AND and Oil Change.

*****

As a result of the “Defund the Police” movement, Mental health professionals will be sent out to respond to some 911 calls in Chicago instead of cops.

- Instead of “Drop the Gun and put your hands in the air”… they’ll say, “Lay down on the couch and tell me about your childhood… “

*****

A new high-tech toilet can turn human excrement into digital currency.

- So now you can make your own money instead of flushing it down the toilet like the Government does.

*****

The British paper “The Guardian” claims they’ve just uncovered documents that detail a plot by Vladimir Putin to put Donald Trump in the White House in January of 2016 - a plot they discovered in documents they claim were “Leaked from the Kremlin”.

- And by “Leaked from the Kremlin”… they mean “Written and Hand Delivered to them by Hillary Clinton”.

*****

It’s “National Respect Canada Day”!

- Or as the late, great Aretha Franklin would have sung, show our neighbors some “R-E-S-P-E-C-T…E-H”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

On Monday, Rosie O’Donnell was spotted napping on the beach with her new girlfriend while wearing anti-Trump paraphernalia.

- Because nothing says “New Romance” like a “Donald Trump SUCKS” t-shirt.

*****

Actor Jackie Chan says he wants to join the Chinese Communist party.

- You know the greatest part about our Democracy, Jack?? You’ve got the right to do that! Have fun!

*****

Rescue workers in California worked for two hours to free a naked woman who was trapped upside down between the concretes walls of two buildings.

- We have no idea why she was upside and naked… but I’m thinking it might be a new creative way to get rid of back pain. Of course the key to the treatment is finding two concrete buildings that are close enough together.

*****

Gillian Anderson - who stars as Margaret Thatcher in “The Crown” - says that she doesn’t wear a bra anymore because they are too uncomfortable, adding, “I don’t care if my breasts reach my belly button… I’m not wearing a bra.

- Well I guess she’s not gonna get the lead if they ever remake “Twin Peaks”.

*****

A new book claims human marriages to robots could be considered normal in the not so distant future.

- But back off ladies! Mark Zuckerberg is already taken!

*****

How about this crazy weather, huh?

- No punchline… Just wondering!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

In an effort to be more PC, Ford Motor Company notified federal regulators that the 118-year-old automaker has officially replaced the use of "Chairman" with the Gender Neutral "Chair."

- What about TABLES?? Are they going to included??

- In related story, the hyper “Woke” Disney is considering addressing what they call a “Lack of representation of Cars in movies set in Paris in the 15th Century”, by producing a new movie… “The Hatchback of Notre Dame”.

*****

A new study claims that methamphetamine in waterways could be turning Trout into drug addicts.

- That according to Undercover DEA Fish Informant, Billy the Big Mouth Bass.

*****

Because Chick-fil-A restaurants have made past donations to groups that oppose same sex marriage, Democratic legislators in New York are fighting plans to open Chick-fil-A restaurants at rest stops in the state.

- Here’s an idea: If you don’t like their policies, be like the Chicken… CROSS THE ROAD and go to a restaurant on the other side.

*****

J-Lo will direct and star in a series of Broadway Musicals that will be filmed to show on TV.

- I’m really looking forward to her version of that classic hit from “Oklahoma”… “I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No”.

*****

In the latest move to curb the spread of COVID, the South Korean government is banning fast music in gyms to “Prevent people breathing too fast or splashing sweat on other people”.

- I hope this doens’t happen over here… My favorite workout song is Bobby Darin’s “Splish Splash”.

*****

Pope Francis will be staying in the hospital for a few more days to recover from his recent surgery.

- And that’s the latest poop on the Pope.

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sir Richard Branson beat out Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk to become the first Billionaire in Space when he and five crewmates reached an altitude of 53.5 miles over the New Mexico desert on Sunday.

- Branson, who owns Virgin Atlantic said the hardest part of the trip was joining the 53.5 Mile High Club.

*****

Caitlyn Jenner is planning a bus tour of California in the weeks leading up to the California Recall election.

- The Bus tour will be sponsored by Summer’s Eve and Viagra.

*****

Pope Francis made his first public appearance since undergoing major surgery last week.

- The Vatican doctor instructed the Pope not to “Drive or have Sex” for another few weeks.

*****

A British soldier smashed through a ROOF of a California home, landing in the Kitchen, when his parachute failed to open during a 15,000 ft. training jump.

- Don’t you just hate it when people drop by unexpectedly?

*****

Bill Cosby is celebrating his 84th Birthday today!

- And he’s inviting everybody to come over to his place for a Drink.

*****

Speaking of Birthdays… Yesterday was mine. We had a small gathering at my house on Saturday with family and friends. Some special guests dropped by… Big Al, Queen Elizabeth, Gordon Lightfoot, Joe Noune, Coleman A. Young, Ronald Reagan, Columbo, Dave Zoran, Rodney Dangerfield, Kevin O’Neil, Casey Kasem, Rebekah Rhodes, Larry Lawson, the Story Lady and Wendell Ledbetter. Jackie told family stories… but not too many… And I want to thank the whole group for their very special Birthday gift - a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage Sampler!! We danced the night away to the smooth sounds of “Toots Dentino & his Melody Makers” who flew in from Buffalo. Thanks also, to the Chef at Lefty’s Coney Island - who not only catered a great meal… but threw in the loose hamburgers and mustard for FREE!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Joy Behar’s reaction to Meghan McCain’s announcement that she’s leaving “The View” has gone viral on the internet - with people saying Joy just couldn’t hide her happiness.

- I don’t think Joy looks “Happy”… I think she looks like she needs more fiber in her diet.

*****

The International Olympic Committee has finally made a decision… NO SPECTATORS will be allowed at the Summer Olympics in Tokyo which start in just two weeks.

- On a bright note… they’re in talks with Phil Collins to perform at the Opening Ceremonies with his hit, “Sushi, Sushi, Su-shi-dio”. (Does anybody know what that song was about?? I played it 600 times and have no idea!)

*****

As violent crime continues to rise across the country, Democrats - who have supported the “Defund the Police” movement for more than a year - are trying to blame it on the Republicans.

- Really? I’m pretty sure we can Pin this tale on the Donkey.

*****

After being released from Prison last week, Bill Cosby says he wants to tour the country… “Talking to folks about being better citizens”.

- Here’s an idea: How about Bill starts the whole “being a better citizen” thing by keeping his Jell-O Pudding Pop in his pants??

*****

A United Airlines flight from Maui to Newark, New Jersey was delayed after a bird got on the plane.

- What does it say about where we are today that even the Birds have gotten so lazy they don’t want to fly themselves anymore??

*****

New texts show that Hunter Biden spent thousands of dollars PER SESSION with Prostitutes in cities across the U.S.

- Or as CNN reported it… “President Biden’s Son Hunter Creates Hundreds of High Paying Jobs for Women”.

*****

Police are searching for a man who set off fireworks in a bathroom at a public park in Florida after he was seen fleeing the stall as it exploded.

- Are they SURE it was the fireworks??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Less than three months after breaking off her engagement to Alex Rodriquez, Jennifer Lopez says she’s “Never been happier” and is “Fully committed to spending the rest of her life” with ex-fiance Ben Affleck.

- This is a lesson to young girls everywhere! All you have to do is get engaged to 4 different guys, marry 3 of them, get 3 divorces, get engaged to another guy, break it off with him and get back together with one of the earlier guys you dumped… and you too can live Happily Ever After!!!

*****

Scientists have discovered a new species of Beetle hidden in 230-million-year-old dinosaur poop.

- Well I guess we know the Beetle lost THAT battle.

*****

Speaking of the Beetle… Ringo Starr turns 81 today.

-He’s hoping for a new set of Drums.

*****

Scientists say they’re using an AI computer to try and figure out exactly where in the Universe Aliens would be hiding.

- Here’s a tip for the scientists: Just blindfold the computer and have it yell “Marco”… and wait for the Aliens to yell “Polo”… That should do the trick.

*****

63 year old “Basic Instinct” star Sharon Stone is reportedly dating 25 year old Rapper “RMR” - who wears a ski mask and a gold grill over his face to hide his identity.

- I guess it’s true that opposites attract. We know what he wears… and we know what she doesn’t.

*****

Canada has begun easing COVID border restrictions - but rules barring all non-essential trips between Canada and the United States, including tourism, will remain in place until at least July 21.

- So if you’re Canadian and you want to visit the US this week… you’re gonna have to come in though Mexico just like everybody else.

*****

At least nine men smashed display cases, snatched designer handbags, and ran out the front door of a Neiman Marcus store in San Francisco during BROAD DAYLIGHT robbery yesterday.

- At this point the most positive thing you can say about San Francisco is… “It’s Not Portand”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A viral TikTok video captured the moment dozens of shoppers at a Walmart joined together for an impromptu performance of the Star Spangled Banner over the 4th of July weekend.

- It was nice to see a performance of the National Anthem where the only guy kneeling was the stock boy cleaning up a spill in the next aisle over.

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Prince Harry flew back to California from London directly after the unveiling of Princess Diana’s statue last week.

- Like the rest of us on the 4th of July, he wanted to be here to celebrate “Independence from Great Britain”.

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Rumors are swirling about troubles in VP Kamala Harris’s office after dozens of staffers allegedly complained of a “Hostile” working environment.

- On a bright note, if things don’t work out for her she can always get a job as a replacement for Ellen DeGeneres.

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A hospital in Ft. Worth Texas broke a world record by delivering 100 babies in a 91-hour span.

- The Hospital and Staff got an award… and each of the Moms got a “Participation Trophy”.

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Competitive eating champion Joey "Jaws" Chestnut won the 2021 Nathan's Famous 4th Of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in NYC by downing 76 Hot Dogs.

- He may have downed 76 dogs, but Kim Kardashian still holds the record for having the Biggest Buns.

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The Vatican has said that Pope Francis is doing well following intestinal surgery.

- They say he should be up and Pontificating again in no time.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Accusers of Bill Cosby are outraged after his sexual assault conviction was overturned by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court on a technicality and there’s even talk that “America’s Dad” may sue for wrongful imprisonment.

- It’s a bitter pill to swallow for the many women he abused through the years… which is ironically, how Cosby got in trouble in the first place.

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Portland, Oregon is experiencing an unprecedented heat wave with temperatures reaching 112 degrees Fahrenheit.

- It’s so hot… Protestors are putting Ice in their Molotov cocktails before they throw them at Police cars.

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In an effort to make reading more fun for kids… Tennessee will soon be home to “Storyville Gardens”… a theme park with attractions and roller coasters based on Children’s books.

- One of the Roller Coasters already under construction is called: “Curious George Throws Up”.

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A recent poll conducted in San Francisco found that 70% of respondents believe the quality of life in the city has declined.

- It’s so bad that People are not only leaving their hearts in San Francisco… they’re also leaving all their cash, keys and jewelry that are missing from their hotel rooms.

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RealDoll, the company that created the world’s most popular Sex Doll has created a new Male “Senior Sex Doll” complete with Gray hair and Wrinkles. They say it’s for younger women who like “a Mature experience”.

- And for those with a lot of Daddy Issues.

- The Senior Sex Doll is so realistic… it even gets up three times a night to go to the bathroom.

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The new issue of Vogue Magazine features First Lady Jill Biden on the cover and a 60,000 word article calling her “A Joy Multiplier”.

- Hmmm… Doesn’t that kinda sound like something you can get online and have delivered to your house in a plain brown wrapper?? (Asking for a friend…)

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A new poll shows more than half of Americans feel that Fourth of July parties are risky.

- Not because of fireworks or COVID… but if you attend one, people might accuse you of “Being Patriotic”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick